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Found 57 results

  1. Thorn Wilde

    This Is What Always Happens

    I always end up feeling a little bit on the outside. It's nobody's fault but my own. I don't do well in large groups. I used to be the one who just sat in the corner. I'm better now, I can talk to people and partake in group activities, but I invariably keep everyone a little bit at arm's length. Not that I don't share or discuss, I'm quite open most of the time, just that I keep me, the person I am on the inside, the quirks of my personality, a little bit on the inside. So I keep my distance, emotionally, to everyone but maybe one or two people whom I end up clinging to for dear life. And I always find myself disappointed when it turns out that I'm not as important to them as they are to me, because they have other people in the group, while I don't. Thing is, it always feels, at first, like I've come into a group that's perfect and lovely and where I get along with everyone and everyone's so nice to me and we all love each other. Which is true, as far as it goes. But then some people get to know each other better, and they break off into smaller groups that sometimes overlap, and I just... don't. I stay mostly on the outside, and occasionally I grab hold of a person in one of the groups and drag them out to play with me for a bit, before they wander back into their pack again and I end up wondering, what did I do wrong? Why aren't I part of a pack? When did these groups form, and where was I? Then the bad thoughts come. Maybe they just don't want me to be part of their packs? Maybe they were just pretending, and I don't really belong here and when they're nice to me they're just being, well, nice? Nobody really likes me, they all just pretend so they won't hurt my feelings, and when I leave a room they're happy I'm gone because I was so annoying. I wonder what they say about me when I'm not there. I wonder if they say anything at all. Then I become sad and depressed, I spend more time away from the groups, more time inside myself, digging a hole, trying to figure out where I went wrong, thinking there must be something terribly wrong with me that makes it so people don't like me, even though, rationally, I already know, the answer's right in front of me, clear as day. I should have been there more. But I'm an introvert. That's not the same as shy. I used to be shy. I'm not really shy anymore. Maybe sometimes, a bit, in the beginning, but I get over it quickly. I don't feel anxious about being in the same room with other people, or about getting to know new people or talking to them or anything. In fact, give me a glass of wine and some good background music and nobody would believe I was ever crippled by social anxiety. I'm just an introvert. Which means that when I've spent some time with people I feel really tired and exhausted and want to be somewhere else for a while. I prefer smaller groups, conversation to raucous partying, nights in with a few friends to nights out with lots of them. So, I leave early. I go home, make a cup of tea, watch a movie or do some reading or writing or play the guitar for a bit. On-my-own activities. I even like it when Magpie works night shifts sometimes, because it means that I can have some just-me time where I don't have to pay too much attention to the needs of anyone else. I'm also very empathetic, so being near other people can be very exhausting because I constantly have to care so much. It's in my nature. And that's why I never belong. Because I'm there for a bit and then I sign off, and when I get back things have changed, people have formed packs, groups, clans, families and I'm left wanting to be a part of them with no way inside. I want to belong. I just don't know how...
  2. stephanie l danielson

    Finding Focus

    Last week was pure hell. Anyone who has ever lost a beloved furbaby you have my sincerest condolences. I lost my little girl last Tuesday and I miss her terribly. She was over 18, had end stage kidney disease, and a couple new health items that cropped up. We did all we could to save her, but it was too late. She awaits us over Rainbow Bridge now. Luckily, I have a tuxedo kitty too and he is not quite 14 yet. Diabetic, but in good health otherwise. He's been my love and light. He loves to cuddle and purr as soon as I touch him. Cats are definitely one of the three greatest loves of my world. After such a loss, I took a few days to recoup and regroup and cope with how quiet the house is, and it feels emptier without my six-lb calico always vying for attention. I luckily, found solace in writing again. Anyone who's a regular sees that I've been posting a LOT more and trying really to get involved. I have no day job, and hubby works a lot, so it's just me and tux baby all day. My love for words, men in love (or falling) and trying to be social are winning out over the choice to be a hermit or grieve forever. I have dealt with the fact girl kitty is gone, but I still kiss her urn and picture every morning and night. She's never really gone...just waiting.
  3. stephanie l danielson

    I have returned...

    Wow...I cannot believe my last entry was eons ago! My life has taken some serious twists n turns...I got out of a loooooooong marriage in 2015, found love and married again just last October I moved to a new state, new home, with my new man, lost my job (twice) and am once again on God's good humor. LOL The one huge plus is that my stress level (not over jobs) but everything else is greatly diminished...so I can focus on life again and writing. So...a question! You know you love questions...right? Do you want to see more of stuff I wrote as a teenager (and converting it to a lil more modern) OR new stuff that I create in my lil head? Great to be back here again, I loved this site and the fabulous readers, authors, and helpful advice I get every single day.
  4. mollyhousemouse

    unintended consequences

    in life, there are unintended consequences. today was full of those for me. getting ready to leave the house just before noon, i asked Phil if He'd like to go to the store with me, as i had to go to WalMart for this week's shopping, and i know He enjoys wandering around there. miracle of miracles, He said yes. He normally passes as the meandering, slow crowds try His patience. unintended consequence number one, had to go to a pawn shop to look at a thing, some kind of tool. unintended consequence number two, He had His own agenda. a trip to Costco to take advantage of a new benefit from the city. now, our town is too small for a Costco, so we had to go 15 miles up the highway to get there. so, we got there, listened to the spiel, got the cards, looked around liked what we saw, and grabbed a bite at the snack bar. unintended consequence three, we weren't done! ran back to Georgetown to pick up Number One from work, then back across town to the Costco to shop, then back to our town to get Number 2 and Daughter from the library. unintended consequence number four, with the Christmas Stroll yesterday and today's adventures, none of the laundry got done. so while dinner is being cooked, laundry has been started. on the positive side of this whole adventure, since Phil was there, and i was not in charge (as i usually am when shopping keeping in mind the given budget) i was able to conquer my anxiety regarding the crowds and the final total at the cash register. i was talking to a friend who has anxiety in just shopping for two. he said that shopping for 5 (my little army) would give him palpitations! i admitted that oftentimes, i do get those. so, i made it. i did very well, received a "Good Girl" for my efforts, and just now a thank you and a kiss. i'm pooped, but i am a happy girl.
  5. Hunter Thomson

    Thoughts Before Teaching

    In eight hours, I'll be inside a science classroom, watching my new patron teach and taking copious notes about how to do the same when my turn comes. The main thought I've been having during all of the long spring break is "how did this happen?" Not the teaching part. I gathered that would happen when I went to teacher college and graduated with a bachelor of education degree. That part makes sense. But how did I go from being a political scientist, political activist and former candidate to a science teacher? I took my teaching program in civics and history, subjects I actually know something about. Now I'm preparing a lesson on comparative energy sources for a physics class that I'm nowhere near prepared for. I suppose this is similar to how substitute teaching would be as well; no preparation or strategy, just a classroom that you get thrown into and you do your best to work with what's left to you. But, wow. This is hard to consider and deal with, even if this is for the best in terms of my career development. This isn't really where I want to be. I want to be in back in my social studies classroom, where I can mold minds and teach students to think critically about things. I haven't even started teaching in this class yet, and I already miss my social studies practicum when my students would openly debate me about the issues we were discussing.Those were the best moments in class for me, when I could stop everything and have a class debate, or invite my students to come back during lunch or after class to finish arguing a point they passionately believed in. You can't do that in science. A resource is either renewable or its not. Energy conversion formulae are not subject to different perspectives and contexts, they're the same all the time and you either do it right or you don't, but there's no way to say "well, if we consider it from another perspective, here's how it could be". I shudder at the very thought. But, as I said, it's another way into the school system to become a real teacher. All of this is to say that while I know I'll enjoy teaching, wherever I'll end up because of how much I enjoy working with youth, this whole thing is weird. And it makes me miss politics. God, it actually makes me miss being politically involved. That'll be a post for another night. Wish me luck, and for goodness sake, pray that I don't have to do any lab experiments!
  6. lilansui

    Of Weddings And Broken Hearts

    Decided to go for a certain wedding, dressed in red. I figure supporting is better than sulking at home like a little child. This is the point where I discover that I'm a tad masochistic. I had lunch with one of my friends the other day, and we got to talking about how it gets harder to make friends as we grow older. I'm thirty-one right now, and it seems the same circle of four friends I have is the same one I've had forever. In fact, the circle dwindles at times, there are times when I'm closer to one friend more than the others, other times we're all stuck together, but it never goes beyond these four. So when one of them has suddenly become a source of stress, (see previous post on unrequited love) I feel like I'm losing a vital part of my life. Hence the decision to go to the wedding I wish wasn't happening. I'll smile and laugh and dance...like a fool. What does that mean exactly? My friend says I might get lucky....find my soulmate at the wedding party later. I guess I gotta cast the net wide again. Cheers, to all y'all. Writing takes a break this weekend as I sort through this mess. Sui
  7. Billy Martin

    Moving on.

    Dear GA I have come to a conclusion that is based on actions and non-actions over the last several months. What social life I may have had here on GA has come or is coming to an end. I will meet my obligations to the authors I work with and to my readers. However, that will in all likelihood will be the extent to my involvement with anyone here, with the exception to answer all e-mails and comments made on Trials and Tribulations. There are those here that I love and miss, but even being here I still love and miss them. So what's the point? Therefore, I'm moving in this direction with a sad heart, but it appears to be time to turn the page and make the next chapter in my life. Peace out. Billy
  8. The statement that is the title is an opinion. To determine if a system is flawed, the purpose of the system must first be established. Once it's established, and only then, can the determination be made if it's functioning correctly or not. So, this prompts the question: What is the purpose of the education system? To educate, of course! But the deeper and real question is, to teach what? Currently, the education system roughly works like this: Elementary school teaches you basic English and math skills. There's also basic religion thrown in there, physical education and... nothing else comes to mind from what I can remember. Science, I guess, but even then, nothing ground breaking. Secondary (high) school teaches you the foundation for advanced math, science (atoms, weather, etc then specializes in chemistry, biology and physics), more religion and English. These four subjects are the major aspects of these four years. The anchor subjects, if you will. Post-secondary teaches you (more or less - more on this later) the tools you need to be qualified for your chosen career. Elementary school, fundamentally, from a curriculum perspective, is more or less acceptable. The basics are there: reading, writing, addition/subtraction/multiplication/division - basic things you need to know to function in society. However, the problem with elementary school is that they coddle their students. I'll take my brother, for example. Let's call him John (not his real name, taken after John Doe). John is lazy, and doesn't do homework. John is in absolutely zero danger of failing his grade. The policy is not to fail students, because it 'hurts their feelings' and affects their self-esteem. Intention is good, I don't dispute that, but it's unrealistic. As a result of this policy, My brother's grown up in a bubble; he has no sense of failure, it's not something he's experienced before. If he doesn't hand in an assignment, the teacher will say something like this: "It was due last week, John. You really need to hurry up and get this project in to me." "John, you're late with your assignment. Once you get to high school, this will be unacceptable." There's no real incentive to do anything and there's no real understanding of the consequences of inaction. The words of the teacher fall deaf onto John and his peers. They nod, say okay and they understand, and they think they do, but they don't. They've never fallen before. They've never been told that they've failed something and need to deal with the consequences. They've always been caught before they hit the ground, whether they realize it or not, and are living in a false sense of reality. As I'm sure the readers of this are aware, the world does not catch you. This is setting up young children to have unrealistic expectations of life and is setting them up for catastrophic failure. Secondary school is a disaster, almost a complete waste of time. For anyone over the age of twenty, someone that may rent, have a job, possibly owns a car or even have considering owning a house, I ask you this: What have you learned from high school that helped you with these things? Personally, my four years prepared me for nothing. There was a half-semester of Careers (which, really, was a joke) and a half-semester of Civics. Both, in theory, are life-essential courses, but the curriculum foundation makes them a joke. Half a semester is several weeks, that's not a lot of time. Besides Careers & Civics, what is taught that's essential? Geography is arguable, you have a general sense of the world's politics and a rough idea where all the countries are. Math sets you up for higher-level courses (more on that later). Science gives you a general idea of how atoms work and elements, which is nice, but not something you need to know on a daily basis. World Religion is arguably relevant, but even then, it's falls in the category of Geography, which is "nice to know, but not essential". What is essential in secondary school? I struggle to answer that question. Besides the aforementioned Careers & Civics, I can only think of the Automotive class, which at least teaches you basic vehicle maintenance. That's something that everyone should know. What about English? That course doesn't teach you anything, besides trying to get you to think a certain way. English teachers are notorious for their "my way or the highway" way of thinking in regards to symbolism. If you don't interpret the piece in the way that they feel is correct, then you're wrong. This is so counter productive, it boggles my mind. One of the goals of high school is supposed to be to teach you to think for yourself, but this is accomplishing the exact opposite. On top of that, it's with the topic of symbolism. Symbolism is one of the most opinionated and subjective topics in the entire English subject. Symbolism is open to interpretation, that's the whole point of it. Secondly, in regards to English, the courses fail in the very name. In my post secondary education, there was a mandatory (required) English remedial class. The professor explained that there was so many complaints by other professors as to the state of the assignments being submitted, that this course had to be created and made mandatory. The second half was productive - showing us how to write various types of reports (it was a technical campus, associated with a university), but the first half was basic grammar. Literally, basic grammar and usage. We'd have a week dedicated for each topic and a quiz at the end of the week, to determine if we were proficient enough with the topic to not be required to go to extra seminars. Such topics included: commas, semicolons and when to type out or spell numbers. These are all things that should be taught in secondary or even elementary school. I won't even get into the tuition cause and issues associated with this. Another course that stands out in my mind that I took in post secondary was pre-calculus. The second time I took the course (don't ask), it all became so clear. The random and dis-jointed Math courses in secondary school were all coming together as the foundation to calculus. That made the struggles through those four years seem justified, almost. But, really, how useful is pre-calculus? I can't say that I use it on a daily basis. It's not something that a normal person uses in their day to day lives, besides really cheesy pick-up lines. This, to me, is a sign that the post secondary system is failing at their job: to make us the best possible person we can be in our chosen field. However, it's not really their fault, as they're picking up the slack from secondary schools. Secondary school is where the blame lies, squarely. Not solely, but significantly. The system needs to change, or it will become like the financial system in recent years, it'll crash in on itself. Much like the financial system dramatically affected society, so will this. A generation of young people is being unleashed upon the world that has no idea how to do basic things: buy a car, rent a house, get a job, buy a house. I was planning on including an example of a ridiculous mortgage offer from a bank, to prove that I wouldn't know if it was a ridiculous offer or not, due to the failure of my education system. The sad thing, though, is that it occurred to me that I don't even know enough about how mortgages work (and how to get one) to be able to come up with an example. That's pretty sad, isn't it? Note: My experiences are based primarily on the Ontario provincial education system.
  9. W_L

    The Shutdown and Me

    I've seen enough to make up my mind about this shit. Alright, most of the people around GA have only mentioned news stories or circumstantial issues with the government shutdown, let me give you all a real life experience, but first let me lay down three points: 1. I have never been a fan of the Tea Party. The members of the GA Soapbox and GA Right Forum can attest to this fact. 2. I am actually applauding President Obama's no negotiation stance. He is showing courage and leadership. If I were in his shoes, I'd never negotiate under duress. The United States has a formal policy, "We Don't Negotiate with Terrorists". You cannot demand concessions by threats against the United States or its peoples; I consider this an act of terror (Democrats won't say it to that extent, but I will call this act terrorism as a conscious non-PC Republican) 3. I also weep for Representative Peter King and other Northern Republicans, who cannot seem to get our house in order, so to speak. He has a direct way of speaking the truth that is refreshing and even if I do not agree with all his stances; he is true to his words, so I can commend that. Now on to the the situation: Yesterday, I found out that my paternal grandmother, an 85 year old with decent mobility, was going to be evicted by her senior housing administrator due to late filing of income verification. It was a mistake not to check with her housing office and depend on her to give us documentation to fill out. She has been going more and more senile for the last few years, but she appeared to have a handle over her own affairs and my family tried not to take over too much of her life. Since, my grandmother cannot seem to remember her English (She was a British Citizen of Burma back when it was still a colony and was educated. A lot of well-off Ethnic Chinese people migrated to British territories for business during the 1900's), I act as her proxy for government documents and other issues. Well, first, I tried to present the senior housing administrator with bank statements, but the asshole said that those cannot be used to substantiate income. He told me that I must go to the SSA , Social Security Administration, and get a formal letter from them showing her income. I told the man that I was not sure if the Social Security Administration would be open or not, plus did not know if the Shutdown would limit their services for income verification. He told me as a matter of fact, "You must provide me with a "government issued" income verification form". I called the SSA and they said that they could not provide me with an income verification document as they are currently unable to process those types of documents. I told them our situation and they said, my grandmother must go in person to the main office in Boston, but warned that they have limited hours due to the shutdown. I knew I couldn't go with her, so I ask if they had Chinese translators or any other administrative personnel, who could help her once the transportation drops her off. They told me the translators were furloughed and did not know the current situation with staffing there. This is fucked up, my elderly grandmother may lose her apartment, because some guys in Washington are trying to "raise a voice for the people". Breaking down the system is supposed to be Patriotic. I will answer that with "F" "U"1 Fucking BS, who are "the people" anyway that you represent, the American who has nothing better to do than go to rallies and tell you guys to breakdown government with NO PLAN TO END IT. That's not Conservatism, it's reactionary and it's populism or Mob rule. I've got my own job and my own responsibilities to hundreds of employees across the country. I have to answer to a lot of major clients with huge stakes. I don't like Obamacare either, but I know why I hate it, because I actually live with it, what the Fuck has the "Average American" needed to do? Buy Insurance! Oh Shit, let's start a whole Revolution! I had to go through three IT Audits, HIPAA evaluations, and URAC credentialing to keep our medical firm operational and profitable. Compared to that, the "Average American" has it easy. I might hate it, but I can live with the crap and so can my industry. The "Average American" is up in arms, threatening grassroot campaigns and primary challenges. Maybe I am not the "Average American", but I am what represents the largest part of America. I don't need this type of BS in my life and I should not need to worry about my own grandmother losing her home. If anyone find my blog offensive to your political beliefs, I can only say "Get a F*cking Life!"
  10. comicfan

    Signs of Immaturity

    You live your life and grow older, but occasionally you show signs if immaturity. I think I can sum this up in one word - smurfs. Growing up there was only thing I collected, and it was smurfs. Eventually, the shop I bought them from closed and I just varied displaying the ones I had. Then I found out every year they released a few new ones. Those I would find on line and like a giddy little kid order them. Today, I got a surprise. A little kid came into my job with his mom. While she waited to talk to someone about her computer he ate his McDonald's kids meal. When he finished he began to play with the toy inside. The toy was a smurf. Anyone wanna guess what I bought for dinner tonight? I got toy 12 of 16 of the smurfs. Only problem is how do I find the rest? Lol. Signs of an immature 40+ year old.
  11. DarkestFey

    March 15

    You know I used to remember when Fridays meant something. They were the reward for a week hard done or they were the mini break from school. Now, they are just another day. I guess this means I am done with my mini-break from employment and ready to go back to work. Sad really, since I was sick for six of the eight weeks I was unemployed. One would think there would be some justice since this is the first time in over twenty years that I have claimed unemployment...but no that isn't my fate. I have had to go into the unemployment office twice since I started claiming to review my requirements. LMAO...others can sit and do nothing...for me if there is a chance I am going to have to be reviewed...it will happen. It might sound like I am complaining, but I'm not. It keeps me on my toes and prepared for the truth that life is what you make it. So this week has had a few twists and turns. So it started out with my ex having a "talk" with "O" my forth child about his decisions regarding his ftm transformation. "O" came back in the house stating that his father wondered if he was going to be telling everything they talked about and telling him that it was none of our business. This might need some elaboration. My ex was an abused child. He has since developed strong feelings about privacy and secrets, meaning he holds on to them and keeps them because he doesn't understand that although somethings are private not everything is and those that love you can't help you if you are keeping things from them. I am the opposite. I do really stupid stuff, like accidentally using Desitin to brush my teeth instead of toothpaste, which by the way tastes like fish oil and is gross; but rather than hide it, I declare it and own it. It is freeing and allows me to move on and become a stronger better person. Not because I made the mistake, but more because it allows me the complications of being a real person. To me, the only reason you tell someone to hide something is because you have something to hide. I didn't press "O" about what his father said to him. That is between the two of them and I would never press. But it is just another brick in the layer of "You can be married to someone and not know them" that he thinks I would question him about it. We have been divorced for thirteen years, I know I have grown and changed since then, why is he still acting the same? Is just my name a trigger for his old behavior? What was shared to me was that my ex is still stuck in stereotypes, which is why we never worked in the first place. I am a "get it done" kind of girl. I don't mess around with blame or why, I want resolution. The other thing that just made me laugh was that he wants to take "O" hunting. Now hear me out here. My ex is a religious Jew that means that although deer meat might be kosher, it isn't if it isn't slaughtered correctly. One of his reasons for divorcing me was that I moved out of a religious community, never mind it was so he could go to school and I couldn't afford him being away to attend school and supporting a household of five kids on only my income. So even if he killed a deer, he wouldn't be able to eat it. And "O" can barely eat meat, much less cook it, how is he supposed to be able to dress a deer that he just killed, if he could kill it, which i seriously doubt. He can't even take a fish off a hook. Even writing this I am rolling my eyes up at the ridiculousness of this scenario. Now if he had said, I want to take you shooting, that would be fine. I don't have a gun issue. I feel that there needs to be precautions and regulations regarding firearms, but honestly common sense regarding guns, knives, and heavy paper is just practical. (if you have ever had a paper cut with cardboard you know what I mean.) I could have insisted on being part of their conversation, but I declined the slight invitation my ex gave me. "O" and he need to figure out how to relate to each other, regardless of how silly I think my ex is. My only legitimate issue is the secret keeping. Child abusers and pedophiles ask secrets to be kept, parents shouldn't. I don't ever tell my kids "don't tell your father about this", I go into all situations knowing they are going to tell him everything from their perspective. That is how being a mom works. So, next on my week was going into the office for unemployment. I have been on unemployment for two months and gone in there twice. I think this might be a record. I have known people on unemployment for a year who haven't had to report anything. But honestly, it is what I expect. I know that I am not allowed free passage in this life. I have to participate and be proactive. Fortunately, because I know this I was ready and had all my paperwork ready. It was still stressful, who knows what someone else is going to find fault with. I did get some help on my resume though. I have also had an exponential amount of people in my house all week. "O" has a lot of friends and my house ends up being the place they like to congregate. "E" has also been home all week when she usually is only here four days out of the week. So my household of three has grown to no less than six all week long. I don't mind the people, I mind the fiances of wondering am I going to run out of toilet paper, milk, food and not be able to provide? LMAO...I have to go back to work soon. It will ease my stress a lot. Yesterday my youngest asked "what would life be like if she lived with her father". Now remember my ex has had two of our children since our divorce and our pregnant daughter won't tell him that he is going to be a grandfather. Our son, "D" , has threatened to leave his house and never talk to him on numerous occasions, "O" and he had their first talk in four months this week and our youngest goes to his house every other week end to be passed of to her step-sister and step mom while he does stuff on the computer. How do you answer a question like that without becoming reactionary? I took a deep breath, resolved not to talk bad about her father and told her the truth. I told her that I didn't feel private schools would give her the support she needed, that I felt she needed the social interaction she got from our house (we play board games as a family and are almost always together, her father has his computer in his bedroom and frequently goes in there to "work"). I mentioned that I have never stopped him from inviting her to do things and that he could participate with her as much as he liked, all he needed to do was let me know something was going on. And then I waited for her response. She said it was what she thought and that she had felt she made the right choice about staying with me (I didn't tell her she didn't have a choice). She is generally a happy person and I love seeing how much she has grown, she is an amazing, talented person and I don't want her to go through any heartache. If she lived with her father he wouldn't give me the same consideration of being able to talk to her when I want or see her all the time. He has put so many burdens on my son "D" that he never calls me and I haven't seen him for more than two minutes all year. So for most of the day to day, I have downtime. I am venting my week here and moving on. I hope everyone has had a wonderful week and will have an amazing weekend. Have a safe and happy St. Patties day to those who participate. Peace
  12. asamvav111

    Désespéré et terrifié

    It is often very difficult to put into words what you feel. I am better at this with poetry. But, simple hard truths are never really my style. I like them the way I like hungry lions, caged and at a distance, preferably with a loaded gun in my hand. Yet, sometimes it becomes emphatic to tell the truth. And then it becomes hard. For years I have worn many masks; Masks of happiness, of humour, of grandiosity, of known lies and unknown truths. But, beneath all that garbage, lies a scared boy and a vain man and a chimera of sorts, made of all the failures and loses that life puts you through. I hide my true self beneath the said masks because, I fear the naked skin underneath that is vulnerable and raw. Right at this moment, as I am writing this, my self preservation systems are shutting down my brain and my hands are not following my command. My mind is going blank. I thought, I am capable of putting this out, putting my bleeding heart on a plate. But, clearly as always I misjudged myself. May be some other day. Just a little info, I think I am in love with a certain someone, I am not telling whom, so don't ask. And I am afraid, terrified, petrified that if he knows, he will or will not return my feelings. But, if he does, it will end up as a failure sooner than later. And I will be alone once more and the darkness will eat me up whole. That is the subject of my recurrent nightmares, that have pushed me to the end of my sanity. I'm tired of going through the same dream of acceptance and then eventual harsh rejection or worse. It is curious to note that, my mother, who is a lovely lady and the queen of my heart, figures prominently in these dreams, and more often than not, is the source of the discordance, direct or indirectly. Even funnier still, is the fact that she always leaves me at the end of the nightmare. Abandoned by my mother and my lover, I finally drown in heretofore unknown depths of despair and languishment. It is very unlike me to remove my masks and let my rotten carcass breath the air. But, the nightmares have become unbearable, and I want the routine to end. So, I have chosen to make this public (which is also a part of the inner fear). Hopefully, it will end here... or not.
  13. Edward

    Reflection

    Recent events have had me thinking about a lot of things lately. One thing is what lead me to this site. A little over 6 years ago (tax day 2006) I decided to follow the link to the site from Nifty. The link was at the bottom of my favorite story from author Vance aka Vlista20. When I joined the site I didn't know what to expect, nor did I think I would find some many different stories. I eventually branched out and found some really cool stories to follow and authors. I eventually became a Domaholic among other things. I pretty much have been a lurker for a majority of the 6 plus years commenting here and there on stories and some forms. Mostly remaining quite and staying in the shadows which I am good at. I have interacted in posts and some message with a small variety of people. Mike aka Meeko was one of the firsts contacts and it's gone on from there. More recently I've had interaction with Ashi, He is a really positive person and I hope I can use some of the positivity he has provided. (I had to word this carefully because what I was thinking sounded dirty even through it wasn't ) More recently in my personal life I've felt alone. I've never really gotten along with my 4 siblings and I do have a decent relationship with my parents, but since they have to worry about everyone else its been worse. Let's just say.... people call me the normal one. I don't have many friends... more of acquaintances. A majority of them I worked with at some point in time or currently work with them. I do have to say that work friends can be worse because all you do is talk about work, which can be boring. One person I used to consider my BFF, who I've known for 19 years, recently has drifted away. Our friendship became mostly one sided with me doing a lot of the work. I kind of miss hanging out with him but he's always busy or just can't commit to a time to meet up. Last year he kept pushing out the date we could hang out back. It went from October to November to December and finally in January he was available. We didn't have much of a conversation then because he was too engrossed in his phone (all ways has been). The only thing I think I will miss is some of the stories from his parents. His dad is a PH. D (real rocket scientist works for NASA and another government agency) and his mom has multiple Master's degrees in languages and library science ( she translates books for the Library of Congress). I mention this because they are a real smart group of people but did one stupid thing that always makes me laugh. They vacuum sealed their bread and could not figure out why it became so flat. I've had a bit of a hard time letting go..... I had this dream job with a really great company fall through because the hiring manager couldn't make up his mind and they weren't sure where the job would be located. Worse case scenario it would have been between 2 locations both, which were an hour and fifteen minutes apart, but one was 15 minutes from my house. I didn't care about the commute and did express I was open to commuting. The recruiter wanted me to apply for the position down in Glendale, AZ. I did apply for it and I am waiting to hear. I initially came to this site many moons ago as a reader, now its more of a refuge where I can come to hang out with judgement. I am on the site daily but mostly anonymously to read and browse the forums and blogs. It is also a place where I can voice my thoughts and feelings without family becoming nosy and asking questions. Right now I am just trying to find my place in the world and thanks for allowing me to vent.
  14. Today, I had to tell Georgie George had died. I wonder if he understands what that means. Perhaps to him, it just means the ginger cat won't be here to compete with him anymore. A triumphant story of the undercat, or it seems. Georgie had overseen the death of two cats. One is my own cat. When Georgie came along, my father shifted the affection toward Georgie and my own cat died slowly out of depression (and he just quietly sit on my lap the day before, and finally accepted my affection). Then George came along. My father once again, liked the newer cat, and Georgie suffered the same injury my own cat endured because of his aid. And now George is put to death by his legal owner (our cross door neighbor), I wonder how Georgie would feel. He had been both the mistress which accelerated the death my own cat, and through the act of karma, he was also the bullied. Except this time, he outlived his bully. Is he really happier to be a survivor? Isn't that a twist of fate? Both cats who died were remarkably beautiful cats. That also makes me wonder if being beautiful really has any effect on our final destination. After all, life is fragile, an anomaly. My cat suffered through depression (no matter how much I loved him, he just couldn't overlook that my father preferred Georgie), and George happily meowed and leaped into his legal owner's hands, into his death. No matter which way, depressed or happy, they are both beautiful goners. The plain Georgie outlived them both. Be gracious we are still alive, because we'll never know how the fate could turn on a whim. I still don't have the heart to tell my parents that the cross door neighbor took him to vet to get a vaccine is really a euphemism to have him euthanized (how could she lied to my mom and then told me what she was about to do, and told me not to tell my mom?). At the same time I have to endure the terrible secret in me. I know if I don't tell my parents eventually, it will kill me to see two bowls of kitty kibbles being filled every morning, but only one bowl will be bothered.
  15. Good Day, I will be posting updates with regards to this novel and some queries that my friends have asked me in relation to my story. This will give you, as a reader, insights to the process of how I started to write this novel. I will be providing the link as well to the story in this site. http://www.gayauthor...ybook1breathing NOTE: I will be posting the next chapter next week Monday or this Sunday. Although it's done up to chapter 7, I'm too lazy to press the spacebar five times just so I could copy the format it had when I wrote it on MS-Word. I'm a nutcase with these things. So please bear with me.
  16. I thought I should do this to get more exposure to my story. Fifth chapter of this story was posted yesterday, so if you haven't read it yet you haven't missed too much. You can catch up quickly enough. About the story - It is from the point of view of a guy named Austin Reyes. He is quite a looker - a small town boy, a funny man, a great friend and a loving son. His life used to be quite normal, working as bartender serving the patrons, earning a decent income and checking out hot guys secretly; that is until a horrible incident happens to him. He is raped and it all ends up being a mess after that. His mother commits suicide, he loses his job and is forced to flee away from his own home to hide from his molester. Ending up in a big city like Denver, Austin finds his life going back to normal. it gets better when a guy named Dylan Carver walks into it. Dylan is the hottest thing in the city and a porn actor by profession. They cross each other's paths and series of unexpected events begin to stir up the life of him... Let me introduce you to the characters: Austin Reyes - the main protagonist of the story and the narrator Dylan Carver - Austin's potential love interest and a porn actor by profession Liana Myles - Austin's childhood best friend, who takes him in when she finds him aimlessly wandering around Denver streets Amy Roerig - Liana's room-mate and friend, having only one thing on her mind - sex! Caleb Marshall - The son of the bar owner where Austin worked as a bartender. Trevin Murphy - Dylan's manager and his best friend. He is also a hot-shot porn movie director. Minor ones - Amy's friend Eddie, the truck driver Ben, Porn actor Rafe Here are the links to the chapters that are already posted under this story: Chapter 1 || Chapter 2 || Chapter 3 || Chapter 4 || Chapter 5 Chapter 6 || Chapter 7 I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. Please do leave a review to let me know of your thoughts. Don't hesitate to point out the flaws either.
  17. Yettie One

    Memory

    From the album: Inspiration

    They don't always have to be good ones, but they'll always be with you unlike stuff.
  18. Yettie One

    Strength

    From the album: Inspiration

    This is so true about life.
  19. Yettie One

    Look Hard

    From the album: Inspiration

    Look hard when you can't see what you expect to find.
  20. Yettie One

    Hate

    From the album: Inspiration

    You are you through what we bare.
  21. Yettie One

    POINT

    From the album: Inspiration

    This is SOOOOO true!!!!!!!!
  22. Yettie One

    Important

    From the album: Inspiration

    Of all of them, I guess this is the most important.
  23. Yettie One

    Sorry

    From the album: Inspiration

    I saw this and thought it was pretty amazing.
  24. Yettie One

    Love

    From the album: Inspiration

    Oh how true is that!
  25. Yettie One

    Scream

    From the album: Inspiration

    I'm going to try enjoy the ride! More...
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