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Living with mental illness and depression is difficult. Having a partner who suffers, is also challenging, but I will not let him down. I am proud of him and he is worth all my love and effort. I watch the ghosts of your past Swamp and overwhelm you Though I intervene, too often Their pull is greater than my power But always I will be your tether And safety net, I will not let you fall

Wow, I didn’t realize I haven’t done a blog entry since September, 2018. A lot of water has gone under the bridge since then, so I suppose it’s time for an update on what’s occurring here in Gold Bar, WA. First off, I’ve been doing quite a bit of writing, but other than the 2019 Fall Anthology and the 2020 Spring Anthology I haven’t posted any stories here since August 2018. In 2019, I wrote a YA Fantasy novel, The Birthday Present, about a young boy who runs away from home to go to Faerie to meet a dragon and submitted it to a story review site. An English university creative writing professor reviewed the novel and gave a very thorough critique. My writing was great, but there were two many characters and the protagonist got lost in the shuffle. Plus, my presentation of Faerie beings was a bit off from current interpretations. As it stands now, there are only dwarves, a brownie, and a dragon. The story is now in a total rewrite with over 11,000 words in 5 chapters. Then there is an apocalyptic virus novel, M. C. Escher Under Pale Turquoise, about a small group of survivors of a viral epidemic who are transported by aliens from LA to place far, far away. The protagonist is a late middle man who is the elected leader of the group. The antagonists are the aliens who turn out to be the aliens who visited Earth early in man’s development and made significant impacts on early religions. The story currently has over 36,000 words in 12 chapters. I’m also working on a YA/NA novel, Cary Grant and the Cougars, about a young man who sees and interacts with ghosts. When he was fifteen he went through a sweat lodge ceremony and while in a trance Cougar accepted him as his spirit animal. Plus, he has schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. On top of everything else, he’s a mathematical genius who does differential equations to quiet his mind, he’s starting his first year of college, and he’s gay. The story currently has over 31,000 words. Then there is another schizoaffective novel, Arnold Snell (working title), about a long haul trucker nearing retirement. He is quite delusional and frequently has blackouts. It is currently at over 17,000 words in 5 chapters. Finally, there is another schizoaffective novel, When Eyes Cannot See the Truth (working title), about a young man growing up during the Vietnam war era. He is significantly impaired due to his mental illness. He tries very hard to exist in the real world all the while failing horribly at every attempt. It is currently at 5 chapters. My plan is to put it up on GA. So, you’re probably wondering where all this schizoaffective shit is coming from. Well, lo and behold, yours truly has been moved from good ol’ Bipolar Disorder I to Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar Type, due to my past and present delusions, hallucinations, and other issues. It doesn’t help that I may, though probably not, slightly be suffering from Asperger Syndrome. I spoke with my psychiatrist about that, but she says that while I am slightly symptomatic, I have to realize slightly is the key word. I was finally able to see a neurologist at the VA. I’m now taking a beta blocker to treat Essential Tremor, which affects my hands and fingers making it difficult to hold things, type, write, and sign my name. Also, though I am not diabetic I have Peripheral Neuropathy in my feet and hands (no wonder I drop things). Unfortunately, there isn’t any medicine I can take other than the 5% Lidocaine Ointment I was given for my arthritic knees, which didn’t work. When I go back to orthopedics in July for cortisone injections, I’ll be asking about at least one new knee. Also, I may be in the early stages of kidney disease, but due to the coronavirus situation at the VA I won’t be able to get another round of urine and blood tests until June. Well, that’s the current news from Gold Bar, WA. Hope everybody is hanging low and practicing physical distancing.

***Warning: This is a bit of mess. It's rather like the head it came out of. Just be glad you don't live here full time. So, i've been away for a while. i'd pop in here and there but i found i just couldn't be here for any length of time. There's a lot of sadness here for me. Things have happened. People deciding things about me, without discussion. Deciding things about me for reasons i'll never understand. And as is normal online, they can just stomp out of the room rather than talk. i'm not saying i'm right and i'm not afraid to apologize if i'm wrong. But these people have decided, and i know they sit enveloped within their blanket of smugness. i wish them well, if pushing me away has helped them in some way. Anyway. Whatever. For my own sake, i need to move on. Problem with that is, i'm not terribly good at leaving the past back there behind me. i am very good at keep my messes raked up fresh and in front of me. The other thing is my mental health. I was again moving toward suicide. The thoughts of death and dying, were there, so was the desire to just stop everything. A good friend said, it's your meds. He was right, of course. But i was not pleasant company for a few days/months. You think about suicide because you want these thoughts, the pain and hurt to go away. i suppose it could be painless for me, but would it painless for those left behind? Would some of them spend time in the past wondering if they could have done more. Could they have done something or said something that would have kept me from that most ultimate of choices? i don't think it would be painless for them. My Husband would be wounded most of all. My doctor said, "Do you want to actually be gone, or do you want the pain you feel to stop?" It was the pain we decided. i really don't want to die. He changed my meds and gave me some rules to follow. Daily exercise, some of it outside. Proper sleep. These things seem to be helping as does our usual therapy sessions. i've been doing a bit better. A friend was coming over and i said i felt excited about that. i hadn't felt anything like that for a few months. i am looking forward more rather than behind me all the time. Writing a little but that's still something i'm deciding about. Suicide isn't painless and there is help. Telling someone is so hard mostly because you don't want to talk about it or hear about it. You're already suffering and saying it makes it real and no longer a secret. There is no happiness without some pain. If you're feeling you're on the edge, don't be afraid to tell someone. Don't be afraid to lean on someone. The people who love you are more than willing to catch you. let them