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Up until now I have been using the identifier 'non-binary' , mostly because I have no idea what my gender is, how I want to express it and so on. Also, it just fits. Over the last few months I have been paying around with my gender expression; clothing, hair style, accessories, binder. I also started using men's body wash and deodorant. I definitely feel best when I'm as 'man' as I can be. The idea of top surgery in theory is nice, and I would love to take T to give my body more masculine features, again in theory. But I'm not yet sure if t's what I really want, to be just 'man' always and forever. I don't know if it's my identity that's stopping me from next steps or fear. I have been so lucky with my husband; he has been super amazing and supportive and just.... I have to admit I was amazed. We have had some really great talks and he has just been so positive. But the other night we discussed potential trouble areas I may face if/when I decide to come out 100%. It made me really nervous and kind of shut down. Maybe I'll feel like I'm in a place to deal with it one day, but I'm not right now. My mom wouldn't understand at all, she would be nice but treat it the same way as she treated my pagan religion "yes, okay your 'pagan', sure." Thinly veiled skepticism. She wouldn't be hostile, but she doesn't understand the concept that gender is different than sex (she still is weird about Caitlyn Jenner). It's not as bad as it could be, but it a struggle I don't know I'm ready for. My mother in-law would be the type to just flat out ignore it; she has made some comments about what she calls "this gender movement thing" and "kids these days just need to make all these things up" . Sure I could sit them down and show them the science stuff behind it and explain it and talk about how it FEELS, but again, even he idea is exhausting and I don't know enough or how to explain to even try. I work in retail so dealing with being misgendered at work with customers is another thing that feels like it would be exhausting. It's hard enough every time I have to correct someone when they assume I'm a child (I usually get 16-19 vs my 27), I couldn't imagine having to do the "actually sir/madam, I'm not a female child, I'm a adult male" . Sigh, I need a nap just thinking about it. In the end it will probably feel worth it, but I'm not there yet. Also, what if I go through it all and then have a 'girl day' ? Like 'oh shit, I know I told you all I'm trans but hey... hahaha I'm not.' I mean... yes I know I can feel like a boy and dress like a girl Gender can be fluid My gender is defined by ME and ME alone I get to decide what kind of 'man' I am, maybe I'm a man who wants to wear dresses sometimes (i know I'll be a man that paints his nails). Fuck the haters But knowing it and feeling it are two different things. Arrrgg... this became lots of word vomit hahaha. It's a bumpy ride, huh?

I always hated shopping. I would see cute clothes, but not cute FOR ME. Nothing ever felt like it fit right, even when it fit the way it was 'supposed to'. I found myself constantly passing by masculine looking clothes even though they felt more ME. I never understood the 'in fashions' or shared my friends idea on perfect outfits. I felt awkward in the women's section, like I was an invader that didn't belong. I always felt like people were looking at me thinking ' you shouldn't be here!' especially in the change rooms. Just the idea of having to go out shopping for new clothes was exhausting and just felt so 'wrong'. The last 2 months or so I have started shopping in the men's/boy's section. I have been choosing clothes that FELT right and fit COMFORTABLY. Men's jeans and t-shirts, long board and cargo shorts, muscle tanks and men's accessories. Shopping doesn't feel wrong any more. Getting dressed doesn't feel like a lie. I don't feel quite so out of place (maybe only a little because I don't pass very well, but it's ignorable because I FEEL like I belong, fuck what others think) . I invested in a really nice and comfortable binder tank and I LOVE it. I feel more comfortable and confident while wearing it. I feel like I look more RIGHT, more like ME. I even wore it to work for the first tie today. At first I was super nervous and shaky, because I'm not exactly out to everyone there and I didn't want any awkward questions. I don't know why I thought someone would say "hey, here did your boobs go?" but it seemed like a legitimate fear on the way in. Of course no one said anything, and there was no weird looks. I felt so much better! I even told my one work friends who I am out to I was wearing it and how excited I was and she was cool about it and asked how it worked and commented on how well it worked. It was really nice. I'm going to request a new uniform shirt, men style because the women's in tapered and extenuates my hips awkwardly, and I think that will help even more! I just need well fit men's dress pants and my work uniform will be ballin' ! It's still super awkward to go to bathrooms and change rooms though. Since I'm not 100% out (and even if I was I don't pass very well I've been told), I still use the women's, but it feels wrong and like with shopping I feel like I'm in the wrong place and I'm invading. I just try to time it to make sure I'm not in there alone and it's the only time reminding myself 'the rest of the world thinks I'm a women' is a good thing. But that will come eventually.