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Found 11 results

  1. It is done. They were able to place my Boy's headstone yesterday. C's sis sent me an email at almost midnight last night that I didn't see until lunch today. It looks good. It feels.... relief? I had really wanted / needed it to be installed before his birthday on Monday, and was afraid they weren't going to be able to do it because of the weather. His sis was wanting it done before his birthday as well. If the state doesn't wash away, I'll go down on Monday for his birthday, and be able to look at it first hand. 💔
  2. My Boy's headstone is - finally - ready; HOWEVER -- they are going to have to wait "until the ground is a bit drier" before they can install it. I just want him to have it before his birthday on the 27th. At least they didn't screw it up a third time. It does help some to know that it's ready. Extremely annoyed at my best friend who, not intending to be a bitch she says, used the word "antzy" to describe my feelings on it's continuing delay. More storms moving in overnight into tomorrow. High winds, moderate risk of night-time quick spin-up tornadoes (those that pop up and dissipate quickly), and half-dollar sized hail.
  3. I had problems falling asleep last night and this popped into my head unbidden and fully formed. Then insisted I write it down before it would let me rest (you can picture whatever Muse is to blame standing behind me, his sharpened quill-pen ✒️ at my throat) : My beautiful rose made of shattered glass, glittering in the sunlight and morning dew. Beautiful from afar, but made of sharp points and rough edges which cut & scar when you try to hold it too close, hold it too tightly. Your fragile beauty falling apart in the heat of the midday sun. I wrote that thinking of Mr P, who I knew before C and I got our relationship going. Sexually-fluid, gender-queer, skin like smooth chocolate, beautiful lips, a body that was… mmmmm… did I mention the boy was pretty? Damn was he pretty. Lace & corsets; mascara & lip gloss; muscles & strength. Mostly, but not entirely, gay; mostly, but not entirely, a top. Starting in a hole he had no hand in digging and determined to climb out, but he kept sliding back in. Looking for a Daddy with a firm hand and love but afraid of finding what he needed. Someone called him a Butch Queen, which I'm sure they did not mean as a compliment, but which is probably the best label for him. Though he hates labels as they bind you as much as they identify you and he never wanted to be tucked neatly into any box. The trust between us finally wore away but I still wonder how he is and what may have been. He lost himself to the shadows in the hole and I am afraid it will bury him.
  4. Something during my trip up to see mom and my Aunt on Friday has triggered a full-blown allergy attack. If it weren't for my stubborn insistence that I will have my bœuf bourguignonne for lunch I'd still be in bed. But... as I so want it for lunch it has to start now. One of the reasons I rarely make it -- too much of a pain in the ass to bother for one person. However, it's what I was going to make my Boy last year before our plans fell apart, and what I was going to make him for Valentines this year before.... before the aneurysm. I have to make it -- it's part of my dealing with his no longer being here. My head is stuffy and I feel miserable and am probably on the verge of a full-blown sinus infection but I'm going to make the d** stew, eat it for lunch, and think of all the good times I had with my Boy in the short time we did have together.
  5. Finally realized that I'm going to have to finish painting the loft the same way I started: playing songs of love and loss, grieving for my boy, and loosing myself in the painting. It's the only way the loft can get done and -- more importantly -- I think it's one of the things that has to be closed for me to let him go. Though I should have left Rebecca Ferguson's version of "I'll Count the Days" off the playlist. 😭 The other is for his headstone to finally be installed. Sent an email to the friend I'd been talking to. A couple of weeks ago she said it would a week or two before the 3rd one [since they F*d the first two] would be ready; then FOUR to SIX WEEKS before it got installed. I'm still hoping it's there in time for his birthday on Memorial Day. Finished the first coat and stopping for lunch, pain Rx (storms moving in), and a Xanax (because I'm not so stupid as to not realize I need one).
  6. Need a vacation -- too much stress. Reading "Between the Shadow and the Soul" has brought back memories of my cub. Wish I knew where he was, but he stopped talking to me a couple of years ago. My cub is the one person I've loved with all my heart who I knew would never love me back the same way. He stayed in my apartment for about a month while he was trying to get things together. Always tried to be circumspect about when he was going out, to not hurt my feelings, but I always knew. Thing is, I loved him enough that I wanted him to be happy -- even if that happiness wasn't with me. It would have still killed a little bit of my soul had he found it though. Enough maudlin memories for the night.
  7. Went tot the performance of Ailey II last night that had originally been C's and my's big night out. Glad friends (IRL and online) encouraged me to go. I did have to leave at 2nd intermission, but that was because of my joints and not my mental state. If you ever get a chance to see them, or the main Alvin Ailey troupe, do so - they're wonderful. Touch & Agree was their second of the three sets. Music was about 2x as loud as it should have been, but overall it was an enjoyable evening -- barring my joints; and the little incident right at the start of the show. Their very first dance segment of their first set used a fog machine; which set off the smoke alarms❕ Took them a few minutes to get the fog cleared out and the alarms turned off (though probably not as long as it felt). I felt bad for the dancers, but they were able to start back up again like they hadn't been interrupted [they finished the first segment before the house lights came back on and the stage cleared]. Touch & Agree was moving in a way that all good art should be. Brought back the sweeter memories of my Boy, and made me smile. 💖 Did have a brief moment of sadness this morning when I woke up alone instead if with my Boy in my arms, but work distracted me from that. Still "candidate season" and the weather caused delays again today for the early morning outbound flight. Flight in tomorrow should be fine, but the return flight on Tuesday -- and the inbound flights for the last candidate -- could be... um... "interesting". They're predicting snow, and the line between a dusting and several inches is way too close to here for comfort.
  8. L gave me the number to the Memorial place that C's sis had used. She'd put down a down-payment on the headstone, but wasn't sure how she was going to pay for the rest of it. It's been such a busy week, I hadn't had time to call them until lunch today. Thay had to call his sis to get her verbal OK before talking to me (which I expected) and I paid off what was left on the headstone; was about what I was expecting. It was something I felt like I had to do for my Boy. I didn't expect the emotions that took a hold of me. Doing this was such a final thing - the period at the end of a painful sentence. And in the afternoon mail was the pamphlet from his funeral, and a DVD with a copy of the recording they took of his funeral. I think it will be awhile before I can watch that. Most days are better. I can look back and think of him and the time we did have together and smile, but.... I know there will always be that "but" -- those moments that sneak up on you from nowhere.
  9. Got an email this evening from a mutual friend of C and his sister. His sis isn't doing that well dealing with the loss; neither am I to be honest. C was a very private person, with everyone it seems, so I spent the last hour trying to decide how much to say and what I shouldn't. I did say that he was a man I loved dearly, that we had been dating off and on the the last several years, and that he was someone I saw a future with. I included the last selfie he sent me (G-rated) and the pic of the flowers I took after I put them on his grave, along with the pic he sent me when we first started dating - a time that seems like it was yesterday, even though it was so many years ago.
  10. Finally switching out some light fixtures in my loft, which means once that is done I can start to repaint, replacing the hideous colors that were there when I moved in. So this afternoon I cranked up the music (hopefully not enough to bother the neighbors), started some prep-work, and did a couple of test patches. I'm a twisted individual who actually finds painting a room to be relaxing; and though some may have found my song choices to be a an odd choice for relief from grief, the music and work was calming. Some of the songs I listened to, if you want a glimpse of my current head-space: Candi Stanton: He Called Me Baby One eskimO: Kandi George Michael: A Different Corner; Waiting For That Day / You Can't Always Get What You Want Moby: When It's Cold I'd Like to Die [lyrics are depressing, but letting the melody wash over you is odly comforting; he's also called it one of the best songs he's ever written] Jimmy Sommrville: For a Friend [this one did make me cry, but in a way that was releasing; a goodbye through music] Rebecca Ferguson: Nothing's Real but Love; Teach Me How to be Loved Sophie B. Hawkins: Did We Not Choose Each Other I should have done this earlier; I'll need to do it again.
  11. Dark

    Remember Me

    Hello GA! As many of you know, we've recently lost one of our own. Nathan89 was a valuable and special friend who touched many people's hearts. In chat, we were thinking of a way to remember him and do something in his memory. Making a donation in his name was suggested. To that end, I'm creating this thread to memorialize not only Nathan, but for all of the special people in our lives. For example, I recently lost my grandfather, a man who had inspired me throughout my life. He, like Nathan, had an especially large heart. Another loss to my life this year was a young, closeted man I knew in college. He recently lost his fight with depression. There was another man who helped save my life in 2002. I wish I could have done the same for him. So what I'd like to suggest is that we remember these special people by posting a few sentences about what they mean/meant to us and include a link to the charity which received the donation in their name(s). Here's mine: Donation to GLADD 07/07/12: For my grandfather and my friends, may you continue to inspire me! For those not certain which charities to donate to, I'll include a list of ones I've found. If you have one to suggest, please PM me and I'll happily add it. I'll especially need help with international organizations. Currently, we cannot donate directly to GA. Myr tells me there's some issues with that, but I'll add directions for that if the chance arises. Don't forget that a subscription to GA's premium services helps the site and is only $8 (approximately). I do not ask you to state how much you donated, as that is private. Some of us can afford to donate a hundred bucks or more and some of us only a dollar. Please do not use this thread as a way to guilt or shame others. This is merely to remind ourselves of our loved ones in a positive way. Some suggested GLBT-friendly charities: Astraea Lesbian Foundation for Justice -- addressing "the lack of funding for women-specifically lesbians and women of color." Gay & Lesbian Leadership Institute -- tracking and training the future gay leaders of tomorrow. GLAAD -- by ensuring that the stories of LGBT people are heard through the media, GLAAD promotes understanding, increases acceptance, and advances equality. Gay-Straight Alliance Network -- a youth leadership organization that connects school-based Gay-Straight Alliances (GSAs) to each other and community resources to support young people. The Point Foundation -- providing financial support, mentoring, leadership training and hope to meritorious students who are marginalized due to sexual orientation, gender identity or gender expression. The Trevor Project -- the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning youth.
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