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Showing results for tags 'struggle'.
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Hello All, I hope everyone is having a good 2019. I’m alive, so there’s something positive to say about it. I logged on the other day for a bit. First time in months. I tried before, but just couldn’t. I’m writing this message for those who sent private messages with concern. I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder as a teenager. Anxiety has been my sidekick through life. Managed by meds, but it can’t always be controlled. Dealing with people, crowds, and many other things set it off. Only amplified by my blindness in certain situations. Anxiety also has played into confidence. Doubting myself, not feeling worthy. Something which led to isolation. Self destructive behavior and harming myself. Therapy, and lifestyle have always been what I turn to and how I coped. Along with writing, meditation. However, in dark times... Your routines just aren’t enough anymore. The last year was rough, but I kept getting back up. A breakup I didn’t see coming, some health issues. It came to a head after taking my mothers ashes home to Connecticut and the family plot. I’ve had a tenuous relationship with my family. Always an embarrassment and never good enough. Needless to say... The trip was too much. I left early. Some things just will always be. Even with 15 years away. The year started with increased panic attacks. So bad that it felt like a heart attack, or limbs were frozen for long periods. The worst came when I became agoraphobic. I’ve never been afraid to leave the house before. Completely debilitating. Again, the cycle of doubt, being useless... Why am I even here? I have new meds, and things are slowly getting better. I’m leaving house for short periods. Seeing friends again. I’ve also been told I’m dealing with Seasonal Affective Disorder this year. I would get the “Blues” in Jersey. This is a first for Vegas. It was a colder and darker Fall/Winter. We had snow multiple times. So now I’m doing light therapy daily. Just didn’t want people to still worry. I’m slowly finding passion in things again. Things involving large crowds are a process. That includes sites with many people to interact with. It can be overwhelming and paralyzing. Sending you all my best and deepest gratitude. jp
While I've done my best to be as transparent as I possibly can with all of you. I can't honestly sit here and say that I haven't been lying to myself, because with every alarm that’s to wake me for the beginning of the day, I proclaim: Today will be the day I don't get alcohol, I swear to God, and by all that is good and Holy, I MEAN IT! Then as my work day comes to a close.... All I want is that one sip, that luscious taste hitting my tongue. The sweet bitter goo going down my throat, and I must say, now that I'm here, I never thought I'd become addicted to this ball of sludge. And really, that's what it is. My father struggled with this, but he'd never care to admit it, but he followed in his own father’s footsteps as well. This has been a generational curse that has consumed at least half of my family. I honestly thought I was stronger than them, that I'd never go down this road to alcoholism. Over these many months it has robbed me of everything I’ve held so dear, and I have no one to blame but myself. This has, at least in my eyes, taken many things away from me, such as, my ability to write, as I’m sure is blatantly obvious. I’ve also robbed my readership of that consistency as well, and for that I’m ever sorry. Even as I sit here in this present moment in time, and for once, I didn’t get anything to shove down my throat until it knocks me out for the night. I can honestly say that I still have the urge to have a drink. It’s a constant reminder even when I put up my fists and say, ‘NOT TODAY DAMNIT!’ I wholeheartedly want this cycle to end, truly and honestly. I know it would be easier to take that drink, I know this. But as this psychological warfare continues, I grow ever weaker. Today, or should I say, another attempt, is my first day without a drink. Yes, I’ve said this many times now, it’s a constant struggle and yet, here I stand again, trying to be transparent and hope that this time, yes this time, will be the last. I can only hope and pray.