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... even if the road is often long and painful. I may have shed a tear or ten while reading this article https://www.outsports.com/2017/6/20/15835374/ryan-ocallaghan-gay-nfl-new-england-patriots-kansas-city-chiefs

***Warning: This is a bit of mess. It's rather like the head it came out of. Just be glad you don't live here full time. So, i've been away for a while. i'd pop in here and there but i found i just couldn't be here for any length of time. There's a lot of sadness here for me. Things have happened. People deciding things about me, without discussion. Deciding things about me for reasons i'll never understand. And as is normal online, they can just stomp out of the room rather than talk. i'm not saying i'm right and i'm not afraid to apologize if i'm wrong. But these people have decided, and i know they sit enveloped within their blanket of smugness. i wish them well, if pushing me away has helped them in some way. Anyway. Whatever. For my own sake, i need to move on. Problem with that is, i'm not terribly good at leaving the past back there behind me. i am very good at keep my messes raked up fresh and in front of me. The other thing is my mental health. I was again moving toward suicide. The thoughts of death and dying, were there, so was the desire to just stop everything. A good friend said, it's your meds. He was right, of course. But i was not pleasant company for a few days/months. You think about suicide because you want these thoughts, the pain and hurt to go away. i suppose it could be painless for me, but would it painless for those left behind? Would some of them spend time in the past wondering if they could have done more. Could they have done something or said something that would have kept me from that most ultimate of choices? i don't think it would be painless for them. My Husband would be wounded most of all. My doctor said, "Do you want to actually be gone, or do you want the pain you feel to stop?" It was the pain we decided. i really don't want to die. He changed my meds and gave me some rules to follow. Daily exercise, some of it outside. Proper sleep. These things seem to be helping as does our usual therapy sessions. i've been doing a bit better. A friend was coming over and i said i felt excited about that. i hadn't felt anything like that for a few months. i am looking forward more rather than behind me all the time. Writing a little but that's still something i'm deciding about. Suicide isn't painless and there is help. Telling someone is so hard mostly because you don't want to talk about it or hear about it. You're already suffering and saying it makes it real and no longer a secret. There is no happiness without some pain. If you're feeling you're on the edge, don't be afraid to tell someone. Don't be afraid to lean on someone. The people who love you are more than willing to catch you. let them

I've wondered for a while if I should talk about things going on in my, our, lives. I'm not much in the way of an attention seeker. I've always found being who I am attracts enough attention without me seeking it. I returned to school last year, I'm nearly done the first part of the course I'm taking: cybersecurity. It's in line with what I used to do, and what interests me and what I know can contribute. I'll look for a job in that field once I'm done, but I know there will be more schooling to come, likely at night school or distance. I then hope tim can reduce his hours or quit altogether if he wishes. tim's job is extremely stressful. Enough that a month or so ago he attempted to end his life. There was blood and hospital for a week. On my part fear and profound sadness. I was asleep at the time this happened and if it hadn't been for our other partner, Dan, tim likely would not be with us. Dan woke and noticed tim wasn't in bed and he got up to investigate. I slept through it all until Dan had bound tim's wounds, called the paramedics and at that point he woke me up. I think about that. Too much and too often. I wonder if I did so purposely and that thought feeds the sucking guilt in my soul. My more sensible side tells me, you were asleep because you don't sleep enough, you have a chronic disease, you're going to school and you're dealing with your father who has cancer. I try to believe this voice. Dan tells me the same things, as does my therapist. Dan's been with us for a while now. He's a good fit and we have a good time together. He makes my life much easier, as he's home, while I'm at school, so tim isn't alone. More than all of that he's my friend. I hope when I'm working again, that tim will at the very least reduce his hours. Maybe he'll find a way to write and publish again. he says its because he doesn't have an editor, but I'm not so sure about that. I'd like him to have more leisure time, write, volunteer, sleep more, exercise, visit ... whatever he'd like as long as it doesn't involve trying to keep customer's happy. he is very good at his job, but it's taking a toll. I saw a guy on tv last night. He'd been a cop for 17 years, and doing what I'd done for a part of that time. He worked trying to track pedophiles, he worked to help save kids. It's a necessary job but it takes its own toll. He went home one night.. and sat down.. and could not move. He was having a very real breakdown. I was lucky to have left before that happened to me. He had to retire and deal with the never ending nightmares. They are part of the reason I don't like to sleep too early so when I finally sleep I don't remember dreams. Even with all of this .. all of what could be, I'm hopeful that tim will fight back and choose life, I'm hopeful I'll be able to give him and us the life we want and deserve. As I read this over I ask myself why I'm writing this. I don't know really .. better out than in? Maybe someone out there needs to read it? Don't know. But here it is.

Tuesday, in New York, another young teen felt he couldn't take anymore. For whatever sad reason or reasons, this 12 year old boy hanged himself in the bathroom of an apartment he shared with his mother. For months he had been harassed at school by bullies, for his intelligence, his height, and his deceased father. After enduring incessant taunting for months, Joel Morales transferred to a new school, but the bullying persisted at his new school. Kids chased Morales, threw sticks and pipes at him and teased him for his smarts and his 4-foot-9 stature. Morales’ anguish reached a breaking point when bullies taunted him about his father, who died when he was four years old. His mother, Lisbeth Babilonia, found him hanging in their apartment at about 11:30 p.m. Tuesday, hours after she had organized a search party when he didn’t return home on time from an after-school club. A classmate told Morales’ family that the boy had said he was tired of the bullying and told them the details of the remark about his father that sent him over the edge, according to the News. School officials declined to comment on the alleged bullying, citing privacy issues. How many kids are going to die, or kill themselves, before adults in this country demand school officials and our elected officials put a stop to the bulling in our public schools? How many before we make the officials accountable for their actions or inaction? How many? Perhaps it's time for the bullied students of America stand up and make their voices heard throughout this land. NOT through violence, not through hate for the hate, but by their feet. Walk away from the schools that refused to stop the harassment, the hate, the violence, the bulling. How can any child be expected to learn in an environment as they find themselves in? No wonder our country's youth scores so low on tests compared to other nations. They don't have time, during the school days, to learn and study, when they are always looking over their shoulders for who may be coming up behind them, for an attack! Or watching their feet, as they are walking the halls, for fear someone will tripped them. Or having to hear the racial, homophobic, or ethnic taunts. Every student that has been bullied should stand with every student that is being bullied, and every student that knows in their hearts that what is taking place in our schools concerning bulling is wrong, should also stand with these students and say, No more. stop the bulling or we will strike and not return to school until new rules are in place that stops the bulling. Every parent that has a child in school should stand with these students and back them. One day it could be your child found hanging and all life gone from the body. It's time for a change, and not the type promised by politicians. It's the kind of change that starts at the grass roots of this country, We The People. This story can be found HERE Please, give a damn.

Life's curves I don't know, I get so confused sometimes. I listen to people talk, read stories (fiction, i know) and like all stories there's usually a grain of truth in them. They do came from someone's experiences. Like it's been said, there's nothing new under the sun. Years ago I admitted to a friend that being gay scared me not because of what other people thought, since I had been through so much already by the age of 27 to worry with opinions not my own. It scared me because I never saw any older gay couples and I didn't want to die alone. I think the fear of dying alone made me reach out through the internet to feel close to more people since I was limited at home. Through all the chemo, radiation, and other crap I had to deal with, I was always scared of dying alone. I mean I knew my parents would always be there for me, but I mean that someone, that special someone. Yet the more I learn about life, the more I feel alone. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I'm not in remission yet, but I should be soon. So, I guess I'm getting better. There's still the bone marrow transplant donor to find and do. But, things are looking better again. Yet, I also see now that I missed out on so much as a teenager. I think I would trade my life today to have had a normal life as a teenager. Making all the mistakes and finding the new experiences. I guess I'm making a fool of myself. Tonight I set up most of the night reading a long story on nifty and envied the characters, even the sad ones. At least they got to experience life. I guess after so many years of battling my battles, I'm starting to become a little bitter over it. I do treasure my online friends, even some of the old guys that pretended to be teens before they either literally died from old age or disappeared. Life isn't always fair, in fact, it rarely is. But, I have to have the hope and belief that if you pour yourself into life, in the long run, it's all worth it. I am however real enough to know that's not always true. And it saddens me to see people have to deal with the worst life can throw at you. I wish the world wasn't like that. And like I said earlier, I dunno why I'm writing this, but here it is, raw, unedited me. Please, if you feel you can't take anymore, it will get better. There's nothing life can throw at us that we can't over come or find a way around it, it will get better. Nothing last forever, including the bad times, it will get better. Reach out to someone, talk to someone, share your feelings, it will get better. Never ever give up, it will get better. There are organizations that are there to help us through the bad times, it will get better. The Trevor Project is just one of those, reach out to them, support their work, it will get better. The Trevor Project

I’m sure many of you read that this past week my cousin decided to end his own life. As I’ve been struggling with this, crying constantly, and the likes. I’ve found strength that I never knew I had. Over these past twelve months that I’ve been a part of gayauthors, I’m sure you’ve gotten to know me (to some extent) and where I stand on the topic of suicide. On September 27th one of the questions that I posed to our fellow authors/admins/editors, etc, was simple and direct to this fact. “Given the modern climate in our society, constantly hearing of another gay teen committing suicide across our television screens, how would you, given the chance, save someone's life? Yes, the Trevor Project is amazing, as is the It Gets Better movement. So, in as few words as possible, how does it get better and why does it get better?” Here’s the link if you’re interested. Despite the attitude of this being directly correlated as teens committing suicide because of their sexual orientation, is moot at best. Regardless of orientation, anyone doing such an act is tragic and not only hurting the person, but also their entire family. Including me in this instance. Some of you may know my own past and possibly not. But I was suicidal for two years about eleven years ago. That time in my life was hell on earth, but unlike some; I actually had a support system and a logical mind that told me that if I went through with such an act, not only would I no longer be here, but I would crush my family. This was something I didn’t want to do. So in that respect, I know how it feels; I’ve been there. I just wish he knew how much he was loved. During the viewing and funeral, people like myself, couldn’t understand why he’d done such a thing. Everyone was crushed, torn, and left feeling empty. About 300 people showed up to pay their final respects, while many others couldn’t even enter the room. They wanted to remember him like he was; a joyful young man who always had a smile on his face. To say it was a difficult day would be an understatement. But my resolve is the same, I want to help people, and unfortunately I couldn’t be that rock for my own cousin. I know I can’t dwell on the what ifs, and the whys. But I still know that tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe one day, given the chance, I’ll once again try my best to save that one life. That’s always been my goal.

Wanted to start an open discussion about the story, in case anyone wanted to talk about it. I also wanted to thank everyone for the fantastic comments and support that I've received so far. [sharedmedia=stories:stories:5199] And here's my cat tax, if you're into that sort of thing:

I didn't know if this is appropriate, but it's New Years. The last couple of weeks may have been difficult for many people, especially members of the LGBTQ2 community. But I've also been reading in the media the amount people, of all ages attempting or committing suicide this year. It saddens me but I need to remind myself that I'm a survivor from an attempt this year. If you're in trouble, reach out to someone, anyone, or call one of the numbers below. I spent 32 years as a police officer and then paramedic, helping the people who needed it or taking care of them after the act. I learned the hard way that even us who were the tough rescue people need help too. If I can come to the realization, you can too. Reach out before an attempt. Help lines: Canada: ·Canada Suicide Prevention Service (CSPS), French or English: toll-free 1-833-456-4566 Available 24/7 ·Crisis Text Line (Powered by Kids Help Phone) Canada Wide free, 24/7 texting service is accessible immediately to youth anywhere in Canada by texting TALK to 686868 to reach an English speaking Crisis Responder and TEXTO to 686868 to reach a French-speaking Crisis Responder on any text/SMS enabled cell phone. ·Kids Help Phone Ages 20 Years and Under in Canada 1-800-668-6868 ·First Nations and Inuit Hope for Wellness 24/7 Help Line 1-855-242-3310 ·Canadian Indian Residential Schools Crisis Line 1-866-925-4419 · Trans LifeLine – All Ages 1-877-330-6366 United States: ·LGBT National Hotline 1-888-843-4564 -Trans Hotline US: 877-565-8860 / Canada: 877-330-6366 ·National Hope Helpline at 1-800-784-2433 ·National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 ·The TREVOR Project for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth 1-866-488-7386 US Veterans – First, after dialing the National Suicide Prevention Line at 1-800-273-8255 then pressing "1" will get one directly to people trained to help Veterans. Veterans (or those helping them) can also send a text message to 838255.