Jason Rimbaud

Even though you obviously had a negative response to parts, most, or all of the narrative, you read it all the way through. The story must have resonated with you, in some way. I’d love to hear what kept you reading. Ugh, this is exactly what I meant when I said my comments are taken as negative. Which only goes to show you how bad of a writer I truly am. This time, I am taking my time to make sure I convey my thoughts in a manner that is honest, yet easier to understand. This is going on my fifth hour and third re-write. Because if anyone knows me at all, I tend to overwrite. Firstly, I really enjoyed this story for reasons I will explain. But first, when I actually take the time to comment on a story, it is because I really enjoyed it. I like the author's voice, the plot points, characters, and lately the sex scenes. And when I like a story enough that I want to comment, I tend to be bluntly honest in my comments. And since you took the time to graciously respond to me I will attempt to answer the questions you asked and hopefully explain myself better this time around. My Confusion Most of my confusion stemmed from the actual formatting of the words on the page. There were many times, based on formatting, I lost track of who was speaking as the usual "he said" or "she said" were missing. I kept having to go back and count the sentences to see who was speaking. There were also times, within a single paragraph where the action switched times as well as places. This was jarring and it took me out of the narrative. You want to avoid anything that would take the reader out of your narrative for any reason. Use of Time Jumps: There are two different time jumps that also confused me. The first type, when there was a time jump buried in the narrative itself. Time jumps are fine and necessary in any narrative, but they should be easy to spot. IE: "For the next few hours, Carey focused on his homework, but he couldn't get his mind off Apollo's smell. He gave up and went the store." Indicators such as this was missing. The other time jump could be fixed by shuffling the order of the chapters. I would have started the story with Chapter Two: The Lake and put Chapter One: Tybee Island as Chapter Four. I would have moved Apollo's time jump back to when it happened in real time in regards to Carey's journey. This ties back in my theory that Carey is actually the protagonist of this story. I will die on that hill. Two Stories In One This makes sense now in my tiny brain. But if you were to honestly ask any reader who the protagonist of this story, I would venture a guess the answer would be Carey, as he seems to be the emotional glue that holds the story together. With the exception of Toby, they only have one interaction, Toby is only connected to Bell, and Bell isn't the main character either. So for me, in regards to Carey's story, Toby is the odd man out. So when I wrote pointless characters. I now can read that back and see how arrogant and hurtful that comment could be taken. Because what I should have written, those characters and/or scenes that do not move Carey's story forward actually hurts the narrative. Remember, I did not know it was two stories mashed together, I went by what I saw on the page. Chapter 27, nice little chapter with some sex, but it doesn't affect the outcome of the story at all. Chapter 30, I don't remember reading about Liam, so if I did, his character didn't resonate with me so why should I have a whole chapter about him falling in love in Europe. I wanted to know what the *insert explicative* was happening with Apollo! I want to be very clear. This is only my opinion, this doesn't mean I'm right. But you asked so nicely I felt you deserved to know my convoluted thought process. You wrote, I guess I might have disappointed you by not fleshing out those parts, Would I have liked to know more about Apollo? Yes, and I'll tell you why. You made the decision to bring him back in the narrative. You could have chosen to keep him gone until he showed up on Carey's door in the last chapter. But you didn't, so I blame you for making me crave more of this fascinating character. You asked, What story did I want told? There is an old saying in the theater, if you show a gun in the first act, someone better be dead on the stage by the third. You introduced what I thought was great conflicts for our characters to overcome, the Shadowy Circle, Cary and/or Toby navigating the upper crust of society and the manipulations that could result in that, Harper being the scorned lover and seeking revenge on Carey, Bell using his charms to leave a path of destruction until it all comes crashing down and he realizes that Toby is actually the one he needed, but it was too late as Toby moved on. The professor, he groomed Carey to a point, went after Bell, and then Toby, but in the end even he got a happy ending with Micah. Apollo faced real adversity and had to overcome tremendously. But we are given but a taste of that conflict. And through it all, I didn't really see growth in Apollo in terms of character development. He was pretty much the same when he started as when he ended. Carey had nothing to overcome really except his acceptance that he was a sub. It was enjoyable to read about his sexscapades with hot guys, but what I was hoping for was conflict. I wanted him to grow as a character through facing adversity. And then there's Bell. That selfish, manipulative asshole that floats through the story without once getting called out on his self-entitled behavior. And the one time you could have broken him down a little, enough to cause him to run back to Toby, he came out on top again. I'm referring to the encounter with the husband and wife, they should've have used him in a way that would force him to change his behavior. But not only did he get away with all of that, he ended up with the second best character in the entire story. And boy did that make me mad, Toby deserved someone better than Bell. For me to feel so strongly is a credit to your strong characters. This is why I said I thought it was a great first draft. You have already told an entertaining story with great characters, and you have hinted at a deeper, richer story lurking underneath that could be brought out with further re-writes. But if you are finished, then I can respect that. Remember, you wrote the story you wanted to tell. And I really did enjoy it very much. So at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what story I want told. I hoped I answered your questions, I know that I tried to honestly convey my thought process. I also hoped it came across how much I enjoyed your story very much. And if you go on to write other stories, I would volunteer to be a Beta Reader for you anytime. Though I could only assume how much I'd suck at that job as well. So to clarify my rating for you, and hopefully I explained my thought process, I broke it down into categories. Compelling characters: 4 out of 5 Books Compelling sex scenes: 4 out of 5 Books Overall Narrative: 2.5 out of 5 Books Story Structure & Formatting: 1 out of 5 Books Overall Enjoyment: 4.5 out of 5 Books

So I read this story in its entirety over the last two days. And I held off with leaving any comments for two distinct reasons. Reason One: I tend to be too direct and honest with my critiques and this is not really encouraged. Reason Two: Every single comment would have been seen as negative. I think everyone can be honest and admit the first few chapters are in desperate need of re-writes and editing. As one person commented, this story is very confusing. Though the prose gets markedly better as the chapters progressed. I would say this is a really good first draft. But to see it fully realized, it should be gone over again. But I saw in a comment above, the author says these characters are retired. So I must see this for what it is. This story seems to be two different yet similar stories that were mashed together. I would be curious to see if the author wrote each chapter and posted it immediately. I wonder this as numerous plot points were introduced in early chapters only to be dropped by the wayside to focus on sex scenes, which there are a plethora. The standout character by far, is Apollo. It would have been amazing if instead of all the other characters that really did not add anything to the story except gratuitous sex scenes, were dropped to focus on what I felt was the A story, Carey and Apollo. Instead of Tobey's pointless story arc, (my second favorite character), we got to see Apollo's journey as he tried to make his way through the seedy gay underground. As Carey get's more entangled with the Shadowy Circle, Apollo helps a young boy get out before he is fully corrupted. My mind grew wild with the possibilities. I grew increasingly frustrated until I remembered. I was mad that the author didn't write the story I wanted and instead selfishly wrote the story the author wanted to tell instead. How dare that author. (this is said with my tongue firmly placed against my cheek) So I adjusted my thinking and thought about the story I was freely given. Should you read this? The chapters are short, it's a quick read with some interesting characters and plot devices. There are some filler chapters that could be cut without hurting the narrative, but you do get one really hot sex scene and a happy ending. There are a lot of stories on this site that I wouldn't even take the time to rate much less finish. So I'd give this 2.5 out of 5 books. J

I tend to agree with this comment. I started this story because I wanted a story about vampires. I was warned they wouldn’t show up for a while. But we are now nine chapters in on a twelve chapter story and not a mention of the supernatural save for a few intriguing sentences that could be interpreted as such. we are given an utopian narrative where two meet, fall in love immediately and declare it openly in front of friends and parents alike. They get suddenly wealthy and seem to be experts in business and are trusted by all the adults, matter of fact are treated as equals. They have group jerk off sessions with straight boys who are so accepting it borderlines on comedy. They are encouraged to sleep at night together because the parents are so accepting or have decided not to interfere with their decisions because they are good boys . Tia story has no conflict, everything they do they do perfectly. good luck in your continuing success, and all the hard work you put in. This is not for me. But who am I, just someone who like hotdogs and not tuna. j

Hmm, I’ll keep my comments inside at the moment, is that a flipperless tuna salad? j

I will agree to your disagree happily. 😊 the only thing I’ll say, a burgundy is not a full bodied red, on with the story!!! J (French Wine is the best)

I would have to disagree with you. In my stupid opinion, there are no rules for enjoying wine with your dinner. The only real universal rule about enjoying wine with dinner, it must be French! They are the only ones that do it right, besides a few California wine makers like Joseph Phelps, who has amazing Burgundy. But nothing beats a Bordeaux. I'm surprised that no one brought up that the author casually mentioned Albert-Bichot has been in their family for generations. Now I want to do naked wrestling and have some hands on time with Scott. I don't really like blonde's, especially those that may or may not be a vampire, but to get access to that very famous winery, I'd swallow my "pride". J

I'm not a crazy person Mister Author person, of course flipper safe tuna!! J

I'm just gonna bow at the author and declare, yes your excellency, I'll patiently allow you to reveal all those secrets as you deem proper. Jake is the doomed soul, I can feel it. J

I know the story takes place in the first person, so the scene where Scotty's parents give him a deadline to tell the truth only works if Greg is present. But logically, they would never have that conversation in front of an outsider. They talk about the fates deciding, what is done can be undone, foreshadowing to the eighth degree, it just doesn't work for my tiny little brain. So I hate you for making me care about this story. Secret gay friend, his entire team knows but he's left out of the dark. One of them has a crush on him, a fellow wrestler, and he never made a move, not even by accident? They just casually drop it into the conversation, by the way, I like hotdogs instead of tuna salad. I hate you for making me care about this story. Dad dropped so many hints he suspects his son is gay that the person sitting next to me on the bus figured it out. Greg seems to be the most clueless boy on the planet. So I hate you even more for making me care about this story. Amongst those tropes that drive me around the twist, I love your interplay between the characters. You have some great zingers sprinkled about. So yes, I am off to the next chapter, less hesitant than I was in chapter two. And now I have an intellectual crush on this author, so thanks for that as well. J (urges everyone to join in reading chapter 4) *my guess, Scotty is the old man that gave Greg the car, he was somehow rebirth-ed because he fell in love with Greg all those years earlier. How does that work into vampires? Greg is from a family of vampires that are human until they come of age and then are turned by eating hotdogs instead of tuna salad*

I'm so out of touch with reality it scares me that I can still make it to work without a GPS. I'll keep my stupidity to myself. J

As long as they don't sparkle when they show up, I'm down!!!!! Thanks for the recommendation, I love multi-part series, it allows the characters to. breathe. I'm on to Chapter three, again if I don't get sidetracked to replying to comments.

Many others have commented on the intentional or not foreshadowing of things maybe to come. So I won't add my two cents. The writing is quick paced and the characters are interesting enough to move me into chapter three. But I'm now more hesitant as the quickness of them "getting" together is not to my taste, though the scene was written well, I just wished it came in like chapter five after a buildup of will they or will they not. That being said, I understand that the author is not trying to tell that story but of something more so I see why the author got that part out of the way to move onto the story that author wants to write. (I didn't look at the author's pronouns choice so I am referring to the author as the author) I think I'm going to do that from now on in this thread because it makes me laugh. Onto chapter three... PS: I won't mention this, "Finally, I settled on khaki shorts and a navy polo shirt with brown dockers" This made me laugh, the idea of wearing dockers and then pulling shorts over them. Now I'm just being silly! J (enjoying the story thus far)

I am in desperate need of a good vampire story, which is why I decided to read this. I'm intrigued enough to go to the next chapter. One thing that "literally" made me bang my head into the wall, when you wrote" I was wondering if he liked spaghetti and if he ate meat or not. , " When a few paragraphs above you mentioned they had bambi burgers for lunch. Off to read chapter two J

I tend to believe most American's have a very unhealthy attitude towards sex. I won't tell you my number, for one, I stopped counting in my late twenties, for two, I wouldn't want to alarm anyone. Promiscuity is a manmade convention, designed to shame people from enjoying sex. Some humans on this planet think if one has sex outside of marriage, that it somehow makes that person bad. Or if you have multiple partners they see you as less because you were out having fun instead of staying at home making an "O" face into your gym sock. Sex is a natural and healthy way to relieve stress. I have had countless encounters with random men over the years, and they were amazing, unfulfilling, mind blowing, dangerous liaisons, life changing ho hum adventures that all resulted in the same thing, I made the "O" face. I've bottomed, topped, been DP'd, fisted, and spit roasted, and they all resulted in me making the "O" face. I've played safe, not so safe, partially safe, and it all resulted in me making the "O" face. I've had onesomes, twosomes, threesomes, orgies, and they all resulted in me making an "O" face. Am I less because I've enjoyed a natural bodily function with other likeminded individuals? Sex is a natural and healthy way to experience mind blowing connection with a loving partner. I've been married for six years, with my man for longer than that. We still get up to no good at least three times a week in some form or fashion. About the same average I've done for all of my adult life. I'm still having the same amount of sex, I just choose to only experience it with the same person. And I've proud to say all my encounters, save the one where I lost my virginity, were consensual between age appropriate humans. I've never understood why body count matters to people. Why would I want an inexperienced partner for the rest of my life? In the same vein as one desires a virgin for their wife. I for one want someone who knows which end of the dick is which. *Previous sentence edited by author to conform to posting guidelines but trust me, it was funny* Am I promiscuous? What does it matter? The only thing that should matter to you is can I make you experience the "O" face. And if I bake you cookies.

For any of you that like your cowboys on the gay side...Here is Dixon Dallas with a song about sexy cowboys. I think this is a satire of homophobia in country music, but it made me laugh.