I am halfway through the story, but I just have to stop and write an overall review, because I feel the story will be the same as we go forward. First, I think you wrote an amazing story. The plot is interesting. The idea is amazing, and i love that you wanted to build a complex breathing world. With that said, the building of the complex breathing world and characters are the problem. With regards to the world, I feel that you've only gone halfway. I'm sure you can see the world in your mind, but as a reader, I can tell you that I have trouble visualizing the world. Besides Jensen's house, there is very little description in the text regarding how the different worlds look. As an example, what's so special about the Vampire world? Buildings and areas that they visit should also be described in the text, and with detail so I can close my eyes and be there. Along with a world building goes the complex makeup of these societies. I understand there is an Alliance, but there is very little description of how it or the other worlds are run. For a story that relies on a diplomatic/political premise, explaining the societies and their government is important. Some of that needs to be in the text. While some can be in a reference glossary. Lastly, the character and aliens. I think you began to describe them well, but you didn't take it to the level you could have. Each alien should be describes in more detail. Also, right now it feel like all of the aliens are so human, the reader can easily forget they are a different species from human. An example, Merrick's green team member, is green with larger eyes, but with nothing else, he might as well be a green human who can swim well. Did he have gills, so he stays underwater. Large lungs? Why not make him green with huge eyes, and a short skinny gnome-like frame? With gills?These aliens should have cool standout qualities! Lastly, and this keeps bothering me. The vampire race. We all know vampire lore. But, besides drinking blood and long age, they are not special at all. Why not give them some heighten senses, or speed or strength. Or something new. But just to make them no better than a mere human, is disappointing. it's like why pen vampires if you won't use most of what make vampires cool or create something new thats cool. I think, adding descriptions to the world, changing a few characteristics of the people won't change or original vision. It will bring it up to another level. My humble opinion. I love the story and I'm going back to it now!
