Last Letter to Isi - 1. The Story

TO ISI

Hello my dear Isi. Yes, that's right, my dear Isi. Yours is the last of a series of letters I've been typing today... I've been doing this all day now. I saved the hardest for the last.

I'm not going to wait to say this for the entire length of this letter... so here it is. I am in love with you, Isi. I'm totally and desperately in love with you. I can honestly say that I've never before been so in love with anyone in my life.

This will probably come as a shock to you, right Isi? I don't think you ever noticed. I always was rather good at hiding it. But when you weren't looking, I was. I would stare at your infinite beauty and smile.

I never thought I would ever be writing you this letter. If you read this... you will actually know. I already know you're straight. I asked you myself, remember? You know I'm gay, I know you're straight. And that was it for you. You never really asked much further... have you ever wondered if I was in love with you? Feared it, maybe? Were you disgusted by the thought?

I don't think you ever thought of it. If you had, you wouldn't have been so damn sweet all the time. But you'll never tell me. Because as you read this letter, I will no longer be here, not on this world. I'll be in a better place by then. But know that I will be watching, no matter what.

Let me tell you a bit about what happened in my life... there's no reason for me to hide it anymore. When I was nine, as you know, my father died of cancer, and my mother never quite knew how to handle that. She was still working as much as she could, but she was overstrained more and more often and after a while she was sent on sick leave. We still got her full salary by the social security, but I rarely saw my mother again after that. She would lock herself in her room and just came out to cook us both dinner, which she took to her room with her, leaving me to eat mine on my own downstairs. God, I was so angry at her... she just seemed to assume that she was the only one suffering over my father. But I loved him too!

My mother has recovered long since, but I never really got over that. She is now working again and she talked everything out with her boss. I even have a suspicion that she's seeing another guy, behind my back because she fears I would get angry, telling her she forgot about dad and everything. I wouldn't, but she doesn't know that. I mean, it's not like she never missed him, or hurt over him.

Then when I got to freshman year of high school... I was bullied. I was the one with the least resistance and the other kids picked up on that soon enough. So I was bullied pretty badly all through first year, then when I went to another year, higher than theirs by the way, I met you.

I didn't know what happened to me... it was love at first sight. Honestly! That must be a shock too! You never knew me when I wasn't in love with you. And it's not like I haven't known you for very long either.

I stayed secretly in love with you for about two whole years before at one time, about a week ago, I couldn't take it any longer and decided to tell you somehow. It hadn't gotten any less by then... I felt like the older I would get, and thus the longer I would know you, the more I fell in love with you... like I was able to feel more love with every year I grew. Something like that. So I decided to tell you. I didn't know how, though, I was way too afraid that you would turn me down and wouldn't want me to be your friend anymore. So I decided to somehow 'check' about you a little bit first. You never acted extremely straight to me, and you rarely talked about girls, at least not in the way the other guys would. So it wasn't like I felt it was hopeless. I was, in fact, excited and full of hope. I couldn't imagine what would happen if you were to be gay too, let alone in love with me, but I knew it would be good.

So I decided to come out of the closet. I didn't care much for the reactions of other people anyway, all I could think of was how you would respond to it.

Then, weird enough, almost everybody was nice about it! The worst reactions were of those who didn't care at all... doesn't that sound stupid? I think at one point they got so uninterested, most of them probably just wanting me to see how okay they were with it that way, that I had rather had one who wouldn't take it that well... it would be less boring! Can you imagine? Nothing overly dramatic, just a good discussion about it or something. Because I'd thought out all the possible discussions about it from the beginning. But all in all, it was a great coming out...

Then... you heard... and you came to me to ask me if it was true. It was the most nervous moment in my life when I said 'yes' that day... and you said 'oh' first, then waited a while, before saying 'that's cool!' And I didn't say anything and you told me you thought it was cool of me to tell you, along with everyone for that matter, and that you liked having a gay friend, that it was something new. I didn't dare talking any more about it then, but I was so happy that day... only five days ago now.

But then came the next day, and I talked to you online. I started talking about it immediately, if you remember, because online I'm always far less shy and that combined with my good hopes made me take my chance... and I asked if you were straight, and you said you were. If you remember, I left shortly after that, I didn't want to talk to you for a while.

Isi... I really love you... and I don't think I'll be over you very fast, especially because I see you daily, us being the good friends that we are. And I don't want that. So believe me when I say that this is honestly for the best. Maybe you'll be sad and angry for a while, but it's all just a part of life... it'll pass. You'll find new friends, and you'll move on. And I promise I won't hate you for that. I would never want you to be unhappy because of me.

I wrote a letter to my mother too... I got a little emotional there, but it's gone now. I feel a strange peace... I know you're not religious, but I am convinced it is me nearing God that I feel. I'm glad to know I'll be in His arms soon. But though religion has always helped me through whatever I had on my mind, now even it can't.

Anyway, in the letter to my mom, I got a little angry when I tried to describe to her what I felt when she was retreating to her room all the time back when my dad died, and I typed this long piece in the letter with rather angry text... I thought about deleting it and starting it over, but I felt the letter should be honest... maybe this way I can go without worries. But I'm afraid she might take this badly. She has always liked you... do you think you can maybe look after her for a while? It'll be the last I ever ask of you.

I'm sorry to do this to you, Isi... but I knew that nobody could ever replace you in my heart. Nobody could ever be as smart... or as beautiful, as kind, as understanding, as cute, as sweet and as HOT as you... (sorry about that...).. and nobody can talk like you, act like you or think like you... ever.

So... do you understand? I have to do this, Isi. I have to. I'll never get another chance like I had with you. I'm going to send all the mails I wrote today in a few minutes... and then I'll do it. I'm not going to tell you where and how, I don't want to risk you still finding me. You'll find out in time.

Again, Isi... I'm very sorry... I love you, always will. Yet I hope, honestly, I really hope, that soon, you will find a very sweet and loving girl to look after you, and to hopefully make you forget about me.

With love,
Bertie.