Undetermined Identity - 10. Chapter 10...No Looking back

Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.”

~Kahlil Gibran~

~*~*

After Lisa was dragged out of the coffee shop and back to her car, she couldn’t help but wonder if her situation could get any worse. She sat in her car and leaned her forehead against the steering wheel. She sighed heavily and put the car in drive.

She pulled up into her driveway, and saw that Nick’s car was parked in front of her house. She grinned slightly, but then remembered the situation. She and Nick ended on bad terms last night. She silently prayed that he was in a better mood before getting out of the car. Lisa unlocked the front door, and stepped inside just in time to see Nick coming down the stairs while buttoning his shirt.

Lisa closed the door behind her, causing Nick to jerk his head up sharply as he noticed her arrival. Lisa smiled up at him; Nick didn’t return it.

“You're back,” Lisa murmured quietly as she reached the stairs. Nick sighed as he reached the last step.

“I need to get to work, Lisa.” Nick stated, walking passed her to the front door.

“We need to talk, Nick.” Lisa persisted. Nick was slipping on his shoes.

“And, we will. Just, not now,” He answered. He opened the door to step out. Lisa, bit her lip, and tried to think of a way to stop him from leaving. The idea came to her.

“Well, please, Nick answer me this.” Lisa said. Nick licked his lips hesitantly and turned to face her.

“What?” he sighed with a half-hearted shrugged.

“Do you want to be a part of my child’s life?”

“My child too, Yes, yes I do,” Nick ran his hand through his hair. “But, please, I’m going to be late-”

“Nick, I think the matters of this child is far more important than your job.” Lisa interrupted.

“I don’t think so, considering I need my job in order to support the child.” Nick countered. Lisa rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest.

“Well, Nick, if you don’t listen now, you’re risking your chances of ever being in the child’s life.” Lisa warned. Nick just rolled his eyes and turned back to the door. “I mean it, Nick. If you want to be in the child’s life, you can’t be just a part of it.”

“What?” Nick turned around in utter shock. “What…what are you saying Lisa!?” Nick tried to put together a coherent sentence.

“I said, if you wanted to be a part of this child’s life, it’s a packaged deal. You heard me; I didn’t speak Japanese.”

“Okay…okay.” Nick said,, scratching his head as he sat down, trying to process what he just heard. “You are telling me that in order for me to have an active part in my child’s life... I have to be with you?” he asked through clenched teeth.

“Oh Nick, please! Don’t act hurt, I mean you don’t want the kid anyway… remember?” Lisa fired back. “Besides, what, do I repulse you now?” she gave a sarcastic laugh.

“Lisa.” Nick said shaking his head. “What you’re trying to do is so wrong.”

“What!? Wanting my husband and my family together is wrong. Not in America, baby.”

“Lisa, shit, what the fuck...okay, okay.” Nick said trying to comprehend what Lisa was saying, digging his nails so deep and hard into the palm of his hand he broke the skin. As he rubbed his temples in an attempt to release the pressure that was building inside his head, Lisa noticed the faint sign of blood that was smeared across Nick’s forehead. Her natural response was to tend to his needs, but not this time. She had needs and his name was Nick.

Lisa decided to hit below the belt. “Look Nick, I know you didn’t want a child, but your son or daughter is growing inside of me.” Nick looked up quickly at the realization of what Lisa said. She was right - he was going to be a father. And he wanted to be different then his dad. He wanted to teach his son or daughter about equality, about self-respect…about love.

“You would actually try to keep my child from me.” Nick said, his voice quivering in a failed attempt to stay calm. BAM! He slammed his fist into the wall, and shook his head in disbelief. “You bitch,” He hissed and walked out the door, slamming it behind him.

Lisa smiled a victorious smile. Looking down at her belly, she rubbed it as if she was trying to cradle her baby. “See, I told you daddy would be home.” She walked upstairs, knowing she had just sealed the deal.

~*~*~*~

Nick pulled the truck out of the driveway, leaving skids marks on the road. Tears streamed down his face while Lisa’s threats rang in his ears.“I did this to her.” He thought.“If only I had only been honest with myself, there would be no her.”

Nick realized he was the cause of this. ‘Lies are ruinous to the bone and causes evil to creep up’. Nick remembered the saying he had learned in Sunday School when he was a small boy. He also remembered learning that homosexuality was wrong, and a sin punishable by death.

Nick had tried to deny who he was his whole life - he had thought he could change, he had prayed that he would be able to change. He had prayed for God to removed these so-called 'evil thoughts' from him, to make clean. That’s when Lisa had walked in his life. He had thought she was his answer. She would make him over, make him clean, make him straight. It didn’t work.

He played the game and learned to play it well. He was a master at lies - lying to Lisa, her parents, his parents, himself, until he laid eyes on Danny. Danny was indeed it for him.

Danny was the answer he had been praying for…not Lisa. Danny would stop the lying, the denying.. Nick would be clean, free from his lies. Nick was already late for work, but he needed to see an angel, his angel. He made a brief phone call to give his assistant instructions on what to do until he arrived before he headed to the Coffee House to see Danny.

When Nick walked in, he could tell that the café was abuzz with chatter, gossiping about some sort of altercation. Lee looked up, relieved to see him.

“Nick.” Lee gave a warm smile, acknowledging his presence.

“Lady Lee, how’s it going?” Nick asked, clueless to the events of the morning.

Lee nodded toward Danny, who was sitting in the back by the window lost in thought. He didn’t even notice Nick’s arrival. Nick looked at Lee with a curious look in his eyes. He mouthed the words, “Tall black.” Lee nodded that she understood and would bring it over to him.

“Hey.” The sound of Nick’s voice brought Danny out of his trance.

“Hey.” Danny replied, despair clear in his voice.

“May I?” Nick motioned to sit down.

“Of course.”

Both men sat there in silence. Nick tilted his head, giving Danny a sideway smile.

“Hey.” Nick said while reaching for Danny’s hand. “Are you okay?”

Danny exhaled a heavy sigh before speaking. “Lisa came by to see me.”

“WHAT!?” Nick’s voice echoed though out the café. He looked around before lowering both his head and his voice. “Wait...Lisa was here?” Nick asked with his hands still extended to Danny. Danny gently intertwined his hands with Nick’s. Nick squeezed Danny’s hands as he was holding on for dear life - his life.

Danny nodded yes, causing Nick to look deeply into Danny’s eyes. “Danny, I’m sorry.” They were the only words that fit at that moment. Nick lowered his head as he released Danny’s hands, only to find Danny wouldn't let go. Nick glanced up, then did a double take when he saw Danny’s smile.

“Hey, are you leaving me already?” Danny asked as he ran his fingers over Nick’s hand.

“No, no! I don’t want to go, but this battle isn't yours to fight Danny - I can’t ask you to do that.”

“You’re not asking me to do anything, Nick. Yes, Lisa said some pretty awful things, but I understand she’s hurting. To her I’m the enemy. I understand that.”

“But Danny, you didn’t do this to her. I did this to her. Lisa is blaming the wrong person.” Nick sighed. Just as he was about to continue, his phone rang.

“217-555-3435,” Nick read aloud. "I’m not sure who this is, hold on let me take this call, don’t move.” Danny nodded and smiled as he took a sip of his latte.

“Tsangaris.” He spoke into the phone.

“Um-hum, yes Mr. Harvey, yes I do remember you.” Nick looked over to Danny with excitement shining in his eyes. “Yes, really, When? Um-hum... that’s perfect. How much do I need to bring... okay,” Nick glanced over at Danny squeezing his hands tightly. “Sure I will see you after work. Yes... Um-hum…yes I got it. Thank you, Mr. Harvey.” Nick hung up the phone.

“Danny, do you have any plans tonight?” Nick asked, enthusiasm infused in his voice.

“Um…I was just planning to study... why?”

“Would you like to have dinner with me in my new place tonight?”

Danny looked taken aback. He just got his head chewed off by Nick’s wife, scratch that, Nick’s pregnant wife; told to go to hell and stay away from her husband.

“Nick.” Danny said shaking his head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“What, why… having dinner with me?” Nick looked surprised.

“Yes, dinner, everything.” Danny removed his hands from Nick’s. “I don’t want to be the cause of your unhappiness.”

“This is about Lisa, Danny - isn’t it.” Nick argued.

“No Nick, well yes and no. This is more about the baby.” Danny explained while looking at his cup of latte. “Lisa was pretty upset, and I don’t want to hurt her, but more importantly I don’t want the baby to suffer. If Lisa keeps getting upset, she's going to hurt both herself and the baby.”

“I understand Danny. The baby she’s carrying, it's mine, remember?” He asked matter of fact.

“Yes, I know that Nick, that’s why I think we should back up, slow things down. Your son or daughter needs you.”

“Yes, that's true, but I need you Danny, let me deal with Lisa.” Nick pressed his lips together lowering his head. The conversation was interrupted when Nick’s phone starting ringing again, this time due to Tyler calling him.

“Hold on.” Nick held up his finger motioning Danny to stay put. Pulling out his phone, he answered.

“Hey man what’s up?”

“What’s up? Where the hell have you been? I thought Lisa killed you!” Tyler said in all seriousness.

Nick laughed at the not so funny joke. “No, not yet.” He replied.

“Man I talked to her last night; you better watch your back.”

“That’s what I got you for, right?” Nick teased.

“Oh, so I get back patrol…I don’t know Nick, they might find her floating in Lake Michigan, the bitch is crazy."

“Not crazy Ty, just hurting.” Nick sighed, knowing he was the cause of her pain.

“Where were you last night? I tried reaching you until I fell asleep.”

Nick looked over to Danny who was in his own world. He was truly an angel. His hair a golden blond that fell perfectly in his warm, chocolate brown eyes. Nick watched as Danny ran his fingers through his bangs, removing them from his face only for them to fall back into his eyes. Nick noticed how Danny licked his tongue over his lips as if he was enjoyed his own enticing flavor. Most of all, Nick noticed Danny’s beautiful smile; the smile that lit up Nick’s world.

“I was with Danny.” Nick looked over at a shocked Danny, who was smiling from ear to ear.

“Damnit Nick! You need to tell me these things. Shit man, Ashley is breaking me.” Tyler laughed.

“Oh, another bet, huh?”

“Well, if you must know, she bet me fifty dollars that you were with Danny. I told her you were laying up in some fleabag motel feeling sorry for yourself.”

Nick laughed, looking into Danny’s wondering eyes.

“But no, you were freaking your boy Danny.” Tyler laughed.

“Hey, let me talk you when I get to work, I’m with Danny right now, and he’s trying to kick me to the curb” Nick smiled.

Danny shook his head and smiled at the blue eye beauty that has stolen his heart.

“Okay, I’ll see you when you get here.” Tyler said, hanging up the phone.

Nick smiled at Danny, “Well, I better get going.” He rose up from his seat.

“Oh I forgot. Do you have a pen?” He asked Danny, who pulled one from his apron.

“Paper?” Nick asked, watching as Danny brought out his order pad and handed it to Nick.

Nick sat back down and wrote something.

“Oh, Danny let me just say this.” Nick stopped writing. “I know you want what’s best for me and the baby.” He looked into Danny’s eyes. “And in my humble opinion, that’s you.”

Danny was about to speak when Nick placed his finger over Danny’s mouth to quiet him.

“Shhhh. Danny, I’m gay, and it is what it is. I can never be with Lisa, and one day I hope she realizes that.” Nick sighed with hope. “So don’t let me go, I won’t hurt you... please.” Nick pleaded, a beg reflected in his clear blue eyes.

Danny placed his hand over Nick’s heart and sighed.

“Have dinner with me tonight, my place seven o’clock at….” Nick wrote the address down. "We can keep it discreet, I won’t tell if you won’t. Until I see a lawyer, I will not let Lisa keep me from my child, I just won’t. You see Lisa cannot control my life anymore.” Nick said, tears brimming in his eyes.

“See you at seven… I know this great Chinese place that delivers.” Nick handed Danny the paper that he wrote his address on and walked away. He stopped to get his coffee from Lee, paid her, and walked out the door. Danny sighed and held the paper to his chest. He brought it to his lips and kissed it.

“See you tonight Nick.”

~*~*~*~

Nick’s day ended pretty well. The shoot finished on time, without any major occurrences. Lisa called about twenty times and each call ended badly. Her ultimatum to Nick was her and the baby, or Danny - no if ands or buts. She was "ever so graciously" giving him a week to decide.

Nick thought long and hard about the decision he was going to make. Life was too short, he had wasted so many years just living and not enjoying life. Being content was not enough for him anymore. He wanted to enjoy life, to wake up happy and not just pretending to be. He knew that it didn’t mean he would be a bad father if he lived his life as he was; a gay man.

Nick stopped by Mr. Harvey’s office, signed the lease, got his new keys and headed to Target. He didn’t want Danny to come to a completely empty apartment. He picked up basic toiletries, toothpaste, toothbrushes (one for him and Danny), bathroom tissues, soap, deodorant, and some mouthwash. He walked down the Home Goods Isle and grabbed a couple of huge floor pillows, a couple of throw rugs, a comforter, and a dinning set for four.

“Hum,” he stopped by some candles before impulsively decided to buy a few. “I’ll be needing this.” He thought as he picked up the large flame lighter. Nick felt like a kid in a candy store. He checked out feeling as if he had spent the best four-hundred dollars in his life.

~*~*~*

Danny pulled up to the building, looking down at the address written on a piece of paper.

“Yep, this is it.” He said getting out of the car. He reached into the back seat and grabbed Nick’s house warming gift. He closed and locked the door, making his way up to the building.

Danny rang the bell for Nick to let him in though the security locked door and took the elevator up to Nick’s floor. Once there, he checked himself in the hall mirrors that were located by the elevators. Danny wore a navy blue Calvin Kline fitted shirt and pair of Khaki denim pants. His hair was perfectly messy, and even though his bangs were a little longer than he liked, they still looked great.

Danny knocked on Nick’s door and waited patiently. He knocked again, carefully balancing Nick’s gift in his right arm. Finally, Nick opened the door, and his attire surprised Danny. Nick was wearing drawstring, lounge paints and no shirt. He was towel drying his dark, wet hair. Danny stared at him in awe as Nick stared at the plant.

“Is that for me?” Nick asked, gesturing to the potted plant. Danny shook his head in an attempt to clear it.

“Uh, yeah. Here,” He responded dumbly, handing Nick the plant. Nick motioned with his head for Danny to come in.

“Come in,” Nick said. Danny obeyed and looked around the apartment. Danny nodded his head in approval. “Nice.” Danny scanned the place.

There wasn’t much in there. Actually, there really wasn’t anything there except for burning candles on the counter and floor, setting a romantic mood. A burgundy comforter and a few throw pillows of different shapes and sizes were also present, while the Chinese takeout was sitting on the counter. Danny didn’t mind though because as Nick walked ahead of him, his silhouette illuminated by the light of the candles was heavenly.

Nick sat the plant down in the corner by the window. “What do you think, here?” He asked.

Danny thought before responding, “No over there," pointing to the other corner. Nick picked up the plant and moved it.

“Here?” Nick asked sitting the plant down.

“Um…No, over there is better.” Danny pointed back to the original place. Nick sighed and put the plant in the middle.

“How about here?”

“Perfect.” Danny smiled.

Nick walked over to the kitchen as Danny watched. He watched the curve in Nick’s back, his broad shoulders. Danny even noticed how Nick’s pants hugged his hips.

“So tonight we are having... sweet and sour chicken, spicy shrimp and broccoli, chow main, and special fried rice with hot and sour soup.” Nick stated, pointing to the variety of food.

“Wow!” Danny looked over the food. “You went all out.” He said smiling to Nick.

“Well…it’s my first date.” Nick said, looking proud.

“You mean our first date.”

“No, I mean my first date and I wanted it to be special, so beer, or wine?”

Danny understood what Nick meant. This was Nick’s first date in his own place - and his first date with a guy. “I’ll take the wine…white.

“White it is, hey, grab the soup and chow main, I've got the rest.” Nick made his way over to Danny. They sat down and dug in. The food was great; the company was better. Danny and Nick ate and laughed. Danny told Nick of his childhood and about his family back in Oakdale, how he developed his love for writing.

Nick told of his travels, his life as an army brat. He told Danny how he met Lisa, and that she really was a good person. He explained how he carried the blame for how she was behaving. Nick spoke of his love for film and how he loved being behind the camera. His dream was to direct an Oscar winning movie some day.

“Man! I’m stuffed.” Danny said rubbing his stomach and breaking the conversation. He laid his head back on a pillow.

“Stuffed? You can’t be stuffed, you have to eat your fortune cookie first.” Nick was not joking as he handed Danny a cookie. “It’s a tradition.”

“Oh a tradition, well far be it for me to break tradition.” Danny cracked the cookie in half and pulled out the little piece of paper. He cleared his throat and read.

“Tonight is your lucky night Danny…” Danny repeated his name in surprise he looked over to Nick and slowly continued, “ Danny, you will get laid.” Danny placed his hand over his mouth and laughed.

He looked into Nick’s sparkling blue eyes and kissed him. Nick warmly received the kiss as he moaned at the sheer pleasure of Danny’s mouth against his. He pulled back. “Wait, wait! I have to read mine.” Nick smiled as he broke opened his cookie. He also cleared his throat before reading.

“You have met the man of your dreams, and his name is Danny Tillman, oh and you too will get lucky tonight.” Nick grinned at Danny who had a look of wonder on his face.

"Give me that.” He said reaching for the paper. “Nick, how did you do this?” Danny asked looking at both fortunes.

“What, me?” Nick asked, looking innocent. “I didn’t do anything! They came with the dinner." He laughed.

Danny lowered his head, biting his lip he asked, “Do you believe it?

“Believe what?” Nick asked as he ran his fingers through Danny’s hair.

“That I’m the man of your dreams?” Nick ran his tongue over his top lip seductively, looking into Danny’s wanting brown eyes. Nick answered, “No, I don’t believe it - I know it.” Danny swallowed the feeling of Nick’s warm breath against his face. He closed his eyes in order to better feel the sensation of Nick’s warm, soft lips slowing pressing against his.

“Mmmm.” Danny moaned with pleasure, keeping his eyes closed to heighten the sensational feeling. Danny licked at the entrance of Nick’s lips, asking to enter. Nick slowly sucked Danny’s tongue into his mouth, allowing their tongues to dance together.

Nick wrapped his arms around Danny’s back to bring Danny’s body up to meet his, taking full control. Danny loved being in Nick’s strong arms; they made him feel safe. The kiss was demanding, even though it started slow and seductive. Nick kissed Danny with so much force, so much passion, their bodies craving more.

Nick laid Danny on his back and climbed on top of him. Their passion was fully ignited, their breathing shallow and ragged…hearts pounding, moans floating though the air. Nick slowly pulled Danny’s shirt over his head. Danny arched his back and tilted his head just enough for Nick to attack his neck, kissing, nibbling, sucking.

"I want…I need more.” Nick spoke with hollowed breath.

“Nick…” Nick’s name dripped off Danny’s tongue like melting chocolate. “We should stop.” Danny said between moans.

“You don’t want me to stop.” Nick growled, continuing to kiss Danny and work his way down to his favorite spot right above Danny’s collarbone, where skin was soft and delicious to Nick’s tongue. Nick rubbed his hard erection against Danny’s, bringing them cock to cock - the only thing preventing that needed skin to skin contact were the pants they were wearing.

“Let’s take these off.” Danny whispered in Nick’s ear while licking the outer shell. No words were spoken Nick pulled down his pants, exposing his full erection to Danny’s eyes.

Danny gasped for air… “My god, I love it.” Danny murmured as he slowly reached for it.

Nick released a lingering moan as Danny wrapped his hand around the thick cock, stroking it.

“I want it; I want to feel you inside of me.” Danny pulled his pants off and he fell back, giving himself to Nick completely. Nick’s heart raced, pumping lust through his veins.

“Tonight, is this what you want Danny?” Nick asked, giving Danny one last chance to say no.

“Yes, my god yes... want to be yours, Nick.”

Nick reached under the large pillow and pulled out lubricant and condoms. Turning Danny onto his side, Nick continued to kiss him, his neck working his way around to Danny’s hairline. Nick licked slowly up and down to Danny’s shoulders, planting wet kisses over his delicate skin.

“Let me know if I hurt you.” Nick whispered in Danny’s ear, sending chills throughout his body. Danny nodded as he raised his left leg slightly higher to allow Nick full access. Nick put his lubed finger at Danny’s entrance, rubbing around the tight muscle, playing with it, before he slowly pushed it inside.

“Ahhh.” Danny moaned throwing his head back.

“Breath Danny.” Nick kissed Danny’s ear as he pushed his finger in and out…kissing…pushing. Nick’s own cock became harder as he enjoyed the pleasure he was receiving from Danny’s body.

“Two, is two okay?” Nick whispered.

“Yes.” Danny nodded with a whimper.

Nick added another finger. “Mmmm.” Nick moaned at the amazing feeling.

Danny slowly wrapped his hand around his own hard member and started pleasuring himself, using his pre-cum as lube.

" Nick…, now… I want you now."

Nick continued kissing Danny’s neck as he pulled his fingers from Danny’s warm craving body. He rolled down the condom, slicked it up. He wrapped his arms around Danny’s waist.

“Are you ready?”

Danny nodded, licked his lips, closing his eyes he relaxed his body to receive his lover into him.

Nick tried to steady both his breathing and his body. He held onto Danny tightly, resting his head on Danny’s back. He closed his eyes and slowly entered.

“Ahhh….ahhh” Danny’s breathe was short and shallow. He rested his head against Nick’s chest. Nick stopped suddenly.

“Are you okay, Danny?” He breathed into Danny’s ear.

“Yes, yes! It feels so damn good, please… please don’t stop.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.” Nick whispered, concerned.

“You won’t, just take it slow, okay?”

“Okay” Nick kissed Danny on the neck while rubbing his hands up and down his thigh. Slowly he pushed in a little more.

“Fuuuuck.” God, you’re so tight. Nick held his breath as he pushed all the way in. “Ohhhh.” Nick’s breath hitched. “Ahhh…damn baby you feel so good." Nick stopped moving, otherwise he would have cum right then.

“No, don’t stop.” Danny licked his dry lips, engulfed in the pleasure of his and Nick’s body uniting as one.

Nick thrusted in slowly. His body had a mind of its own, taking over and causing his thrusts to became faster and faster. Loves light was in flight, and Nick felt as if he were soaring. With every stroke, Nick felt himself move closer to that needed release. "Just one more, just one more," drifted through Nick’s mind as his body betrayed him yet again.

“Noooo, fuck, shit...” Nick was shooting hot cum into Danny’s body, his body convulsing with every spasm. "Uhum…uhum…Uhum…" Nick could not form a coherent sentence; the feeling racing through his body was euphoric. "Oh my god, oh my god.” Nick spoke through nervous laughter.

Nick held Danny tight, coming down off his high. “I’m sorry.” Nick whispered in Danny’s ear.

“For what?” Danny asked as he laid his head on Nick’s chest. “You enjoyed yourself, and so did I.” Danny placed his cum filled hand on Nick’s side.

“Oh.” Nick took Danny’s hand and placed it to his mouth. The cum was still warm as he slowly licked it clean. They rocked their bodies together, relishing the sensation of their first time together.

“Wow. This is what I have been missing my whole life,” were the thoughts flowing through Nick’s head as his and Danny’s world faded into a purple haze.