Undetermined Identity - 13. Chapter 13...Forgiveness and Finding Peace

“You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.”

~Lewis B. Smedes~

~*~*~*~*~*Chapter 13

It was a gloomy day, the pouring rain matching Lisa's mood. She sat by the window of a local cafe, watching rain splatter against the windowpane, creating streaks that matched the tears falling down her beautiful face. Her emerald green eyes were red and puffy from crying.

She was sipping a cup of decaf green tea while she waited on Nick to arrive. Nick. Just the thought of him gave her butterflies, despite everything that had happened. He was her world, the love of her life. Her mind drifted to his tall lean body, his beautiful blue eyes and his black curly hair, which she loved to run her fingers through, especially when it was wet - it was so sexy. She shook her head to clear her mind and sighed.

"How am I supposed to do this Nick? How am I to give you up, give you to him?" The thought of losing Nick was a crushing blow to her, not to mention a bruise to her ego. No way was this supposed to be happening; it was supposed to be 'till death do you part.' She remembered those words very clearly. They were engraved in her heart. Lisa was so lost in thought she didn't even see Nick arrive.

"Hello Lisa.” The sound of Nick's voice startled her.

Placing her hand over her heart she said, " Nick! You scared me, I didn't see you come in," all the while staring into his eyes. Nick sat down eyeing Lisa the whole time trying to gauge her mood.

"You said you wanted to talk.” Nick stated as he scooted in his chair.

"Yes, oh wait." Lisa reached in her purse, pulled out a card, and handed it to Nick.

Nick read the card and a huge smile crept across his face. "Are you serious?" He asked, unable to believe what he was reading.

Lisa nodded yes. "Yes, Nick." The card Nick was holding was for Lisa's next doctor's visit. She lowered her head and moved her hair from her eyes. "I want you to come... that is if you can take a few hours off of work."

"Of course I will Lisa! I want to be a part of our child’s life, I want to help you in any way I can, if you will let me." Nick gave her a warm smile as he placed his hand on top of hers. Her first response to move it, but she was trying to accept things and she knew Nick was indeed trying to make amends.

" Nick, this is so hard for me." Lisa confessed.

"I know Lisa, but....” Nick interrupted. She moved her hand on top of his, patting it gently.

"No, let me finish while I have it in me to say." She smiled and continued. "I have loved you since the day we first met. There was something different about you that drew me to you." She spoke softly as Nick paid complete attention to her.

"I feel so silly now when I think back. I asked you out, I asked you to marry me, and you were wrong for saying yes." She pointed her finger at Nick as she laughed softly, trying to make light of the situation.

"I know, and Lisa...”

"No, let me finish please." Nick ducked his head, pressing his lips together and sitting back to pay attention.

Lisa exhaled in a heavy sigh before she spoke again.

"I always felt that I loved you more then you loved me." Lisa eyes were filling with tears, and she felt a glide down her cheek when she blinked. Nick gently placed his finger against her cheek to catch it. Lisa closed her eyes, enjoying Nick's touch even though his touch was never truly meant for her.

"I knew you didn't want a baby, but I wanted one; I wanted you, and I thought if I gave you a child, something of your very own to love, that somehow you would love with me too." She rolled her eyes, "crazy I know.” She said through sniffles.

Nick handed her the napkin from the table to wipe her eyes. "I do love you Lisa, very much."

"I know... I know, but not the way a man loves a woman." She said nonchalantly. "Not the way I want you to." Nick lowered his head, shaking it slowly. "No, Lisa." He said faintly, tears starting to fill his eyes as he watched the ones streaming down Lisa's face.

"Lisa, if I thought staying with you would somehow make up for the pain I've caused you, I would." Nick placed the back of his hand on her tear stained face. "But that would hurt not only you and me, but it wouldn't be healthy for our child."

"I know.” Lisa acknowledged. "My parents were great; I could see the love they shared every day.” She nodded, "I totally understand, but that doesn't make the pain of losing you any less."

“You’re not losing me, Lisa. We will have at least eighteen years of constant contact and the rest of our lives to be great parents to our child. We can do this together if we put our minds to it.”

“ Nick, can I ask you something?” She asked, biting her bottom lip.

“Sure Lisa, what is it?”

“Are you sure, I mean how do you know... how can you be sure it not just a phase?” Lisa asked with all sincerity.

Nick laughed a little at Lisa’s question before answering. “I’ve always known”

“Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“Okay, well if you are indeed…you know.”

“Gay.” Nick filled in the blank.

“Yeah, that.” Nick chuckled at Lisa candor. “You were still able to get hard, I mean you must have liked it, look at me.” She said rubbing her belly and slightly blushing at the question.

“Lisa.”

“ Nick.” She smirked.

“I did, I mean I’m not dead.” He laughed. “You are a beautiful woman Lisa; that’s just not what I want….”

“So.” Lisa sounded sad. “You knew this all along; all it took was for you to see him and BAM! My life changes.”

“I’m sorry, Lisa so so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I thought I could control it, deny who I was, to live my life the way people expected me to.”

“So.” Lisa ran her hand through her long black hair. “I suppose you want a divorce?”

“Yes.” Nick whispered. “I’ll give you whatever you want.”

“What I want is I can’t have.” Lisa stated, giving Nick a shy smile. “So, when are you getting the rest of your things?”

“I’ll get them when you want me to; I’m in no hurry.”

“Well I am. The things in your office need to go, soon; I want to turn it into the baby room.”

“Okay.” Nick said quietly. “I would like to help, that is, if you want me to.”

“Sure Nick, that would be nice.”

“So can we try to get along? Not only for the baby’s sake, but for mine?” Nick asked. “I really do love you Lisa, and I care about what happens to you, not only because you are the mother of my son.”

Nick laughed when he stressed the word son, causing Lisa to laugh. She secretly wanted a girl, but Nick’s wants far outweighed her own. If Nick wanted a boy then so did she - her need to make him happy was something that Lisa was going to learn to change. After all, soon he would no longer be her husband.

Lisa finished her tea while she and Nick discussed future plans for their relationship, and the baby. They laughed about names and whether they should focus on names for boys or girls. Lisa had one more stop to make on her way home.

~*~*~*~*~

The coffee shop was oddly empty that day. Lisa looked around and spotted Danny at the register, drumming his fingers on the counter. Lisa took a deep breath and slowly began walking over to him. Before she reached him, she spotted Lee at the far end of the shop, eyeing her carefully. Lisa gave her a nervous smile, but Lee kept a questioning gaze.

Danny looked up, and the surprise of seeing Lisa caused his breath to hitch slightly. His heart rate sped up slightly as he eyed Lisa warily. Lisa looked at him with an apologetic smile. He took a deep breath and stood up straight.

“Uh, welcome to the Coffee House, what can I get for you today?” He asked routinely. Lisa bit her lip.

“Danny, can I please talk to you?” She asked hesitantly. Danny looked around, and spotted Lee getting ready to intervene, but shook his head to stop her.

“Sure,” He answered. He leaned his head in the direction of one of the empty tables. “Follow me,”

Lisa did as told and followed Danny. They pulled out their chairs simultaneously, and sat down. They both stared at each other, neither of them daring to say the first word. The silence was consuming.

“I’m sorry,” They both said. They stared at each other in surprise. Both were quiet for a moment before Lisa decided to speak up.

“Why are you sorry?” She asked curiously. Danny sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“I know how much Nick means to you. I didn’t want to take him away from you. Plus, you both have a baby on the way, and I don’t want to mess anything up.” Danny answered. Lisa shook her head.

“You’re crazy,” She stated. Danny looked at her in shock. “I mean, here you are apologizing to me when you’ve done nothing wrong. I'm the one that should be apologizing. I’m the one who’s been a bitch.”

“Are you apologizing?” Danny asked a moment after Lisa’s rant.

“I’m so sorry, Danny. Sincerely so…I was wrong for what I did in the coffee shop the other day.” Lisa said. She paused and looked down at the table. “I was angry.” She looked back up at Danny with sorrowful eyes. “I was hurt. I was being completely irrational.”

Danny shook his head. “Lisa, don’t-

“No, no, I need to do this. I had no right to come in here and cause a scene. Embarrassing you… embarrassing myself,” Lisa interrupted quietly. “Please, you have nothing to apologize for.”

Danny remained quiet. He didn’t know what to say. All this time, since the incident, he never thought she had a heart. However, that was ridiculous, because everyone does. And Lisa’s was broken. She acted out of hurt, anger, confusion… love. He didn’t blame her. In all honesty, he would have felt the same way. Maybe he wouldn’t have acted out as she did, but it still hurts to be in love alone.

“Lisa,” He breathed. “I forgive you. But, please believe me when I say that I will step out of the way, if you need me to.”

Lisa shook her head frantically. “NO! You can’t do that to Nick. You can’t do that to yourself. He cares about you a lot.” Lisa sighed. “I love him. I’m not going to lie, I do love him.” She admitted. “But let’s face it; you two were made for each other. I’d be the spawn of the devil if I kept you apart.” Lisa joked, sadly.

“No,” Danny shook his head. “Not the spawn of the devil. Just a woman who’s had her heart broken in the worst way possible.”

“No, not the worst way,” Lisa disagreed. “Just not the best way, either.”

“There isn’t a best way to break a heart.” Danny said. Lisa stood up, and Danny followed suit.

“Thanks, for talking to me and… accepting my apology.” Lisa said.

“What kind of person would I be if I didn’t?” Danny asked. Lisa made her way to the door. She turned around and looked at Lee, who was still watching them.

“I’m sorry, Lee. I was wrong for what I did, and I didn’t mean to cause you any trouble.” Lisa apologized. Lee smiled at her and waved good-bye. Lisa turned back to Danny who was holding the door open for her. “You take care of Nick, he’s a good man… and so are you.”

“Will do,” Danny said. Lisa smiled kindly before walked outside. For some odd reason, it was sunny out. It was funny that the past days had been cloudy, dark, and cold. Kind of like the way Lisa felt. But today, it was sunny, bright, and blissful. Just like the way Lisa felt now.

~*~*~*~*~Three Months later…..

“ Nick and Lisa Tsangaris. After reviewing the terms set out in the decree, it appears you concur with the terms and conditions, is that correct?” The judge asked, tapping his pen against the desk.

“Yes, Your Honor.” Nick answered, Lisa nodding her head in agreement.

“The baby that you are carrying is Mr. Tsangaris’s, correct?” The judge asked, looking directly at Lisa. Lisa placed her hand on her small bump of her belly and smiled. “Yes sir, Nick Tsangaris is the father of my baby.”

“Okay, it looks like you have worked out the living arrangement as well; I see here we are asking for joint conservatorship. Is that correct? He asked, looking over his glasses at Lisa and Nick.

“Yes.” Lisa spoke up.

“Divorce granted. Bailiff, call the next case. Good luck to the both of you.” He smiled as he hit the tapped the gavel down.

Nick and Lisa walked out of the court as if they had lost their best friend. This was the hardest thing Nick had to do in his life so far. He watched Lisa adjust the strap on her purse and smile as they walked out. Here she was, hurting on the inside but refusing to let the world see.

Lisa watched Nick fumble for his keys, laughing to herself as he did so. He always placed them in his left pocket, but for some reason, he always forgot that they were there.

“The left pocket.” Lisa reminded him, nodding towards Nick’s left. He felt the left pocket and sure enough, there they were.

He smiled at Lisa, slightly embarrassed. “Thanks.” He said, pulling the keys from his pocket.

“No problem.” She said with a smirk. Lisa knew Nick like the back of her hand; as his wife it had been her job to know. She smiled longingly at him, hoping that Danny was indeed what he wanted, because if Danny hurt Nick her plan was to be right there for Nick.

“Well I guess this is it.” Nick said, looking sadly into Lisa eyes.

“Yeah, I guess it is.”

Nick kissed Lisa on the cheek and held her in his embrace, remembering the smell of her hair and of the perfume she wore. He closed his eyes, inhaling the memories they had shared and cherished every moment.

“Well, I’ll talk to you soon.” Lisa nodded, pretending that she was okay. She bit her bottom lip nervously. She knew Nick would not be coming home.

“Okay, don’t forget that we have Lamaze class next Tuesday.” Nick reminded Lisa.

"I won’t.” She promised, waving as she watched Nick walk away. Now he was truly gone, her tears would not stop flowing and she cried as if someone had died. She didn’t want to look, but curiosity got the best of her. She watched Nick get into Danny’s car across the street. She watched Danny wrap his arms around Nick’s neck and kiss him languidly before they drove off, together.

~*~*~*~*~