In the Rough - 1. Someday Love Will Find Me

In the Rough

Someday... love will find me. I know it has to. Judging from how many happy couples I see on a daily basis making out on television, on the silver screen, at the Starbucks down the street, in front and inside of the local movie theater, and around every corner in my school hallways... I know that love is everywhere. I just wish it would make its way into my life for a change. I'm tired of watching everyone else be content with their blissful lives. Just for once, I'd like to be the happy one. I want to be the one with my arms thrown around someone's neck, feeling the warm cushion of another set of lips pressing against my own. I want to know what it's like to be held closely by my waist and look up to see a pair of eyes, searching my soul for as much love as they were sending to me. To be cared for, listened to, desired... to be loved; it seems almost impossible at this point with what I go through every day. And yet, I can't give up on the idea. My heart refuses to let me, because deep down I know that the prospect of love is the only thing keeping me going at this point. It's the brilliant horizon that I look toward as an incentive for surviving the beatings. It's the only thing that keeps me from just giving up and letting him be the death of me. Someday... love will find me. I just have to keep telling myself that. Having someone to make me feel adored and appreciated would make everything else bearable. But whether I'll be worthy of the attention or not is a whole other story. My dad, for one, doesn't seem to think I'm worthy of anything. And with each hateful word he spits in my face, I'm starting to believe him.

My name is Aiden. Normally, I would beat around the bush admitting this, but I'm gay. And as much as I still cringe on the inside when thinking about it, I know that it's who I am. I've fought against the idea in the past, not wanting to cop to the fact that I'm attracted to the testosterone-filled sexy boys around me, instead of the budding breasts and bubble butts of the cute girls that my peers lust over. However, I can't fight against it anymore; I am who I am. Although, that doesn't mean that I'm overjoyed enough at being gay to go throw a parade in the middle of town, wearing rainbow colors and singing “Born This Way” by Lady Gaga at the top of my lungs. Being gay has made my life miserable. I would much rather be straight, because then I would be normal. I wouldn't be the stereotypical lonely gay boy that has to jump through hoops normal people don't in order to ask someone out on a date. And maybe then my dad wouldn't hate me. Maybe he wouldn't hurt me like he does if I was normal. We used to get along pretty well until I told him that I was gay, but now I'm lucky if I can slink past him and into my room without a slew of insults or a physical confrontation. I wish it were different.

Back when my mom was alive, we were a happy family. We all got along. I was treated with love and kindness, and my mom spoiled me to death. If she were still around, she would never let my father treat me the way he does. In fact, she might have even helped him accept me and love me again; she was that remarkable of a woman. Unfortunately, she passed away from pancreatic cancer a few years ago. It took over her body and she was gone in less than a year after the diagnosis. Consumed by guilt over never letting her know the real me, I told my dad that I was gay shortly after her death. I wanted him to know before I lost him too; I didn't want to regret anything else. He just... didn't take it as well as I had hoped. He started drinking a lot. Partly because he missed my mom, and partly because he was too disgusted with me to face me sober. He also became violent and verbally abusive, lashing out at me every moment he could. A part of me wants to hate him for the way he treats me, but another part of me still craves the love and affection he used to give me so openly. My, times have changed.

I grabbed my backpack and a protein bar before leaving the house, making sure to glance at myself in the mirror one last time. It was the first day of the school year, and my first day of tenth grade. I wasn't looking forward to the inevitable mounds of homework I would soon have, but I was excited to see my friend Luke and search the school for any cute new boys. And if I find some, then I better look presentable. Unfortunately, I wasn't happy with what I saw in the mirror. I felt like my hair was all wrong. And my outfit? It suddenly looked too tight. Even if I did find a cute gay boy at school... I doubt he'd want me. I look like a loser.

With a heavy heart, I passed by my dad, who was sitting on the couch in the living room eating an apple. He held a menacing little knife in his hand, and he used it to slowly slice off a chunk of the apple before placing it in his mouth. He chewed sloppily, and a small amount of its juice escaped the corners of his mouth. I mumbled a soft goodbye and he didn't even look in my direction.

“Don't let the door hit you on the way out, faggot sissy boy.” he hissed. I cringed and lowered my head, crying slightly on the inside. And instead of trying to defend myself, I just walked out the door. Defending myself would mean a knee to the stomach, and I didn't want to deal with that. So, I just let what he said eat away at me as I walked to school, and I tried to prepare a fake smile for Luke. He doesn't know anything about my dad, or my sexuality. And I'd like it to stay that way.

Luke and I grew up together, and inseparable doesn't even begin to describe us. After my mom passed on, he and his parents semi-adopted me. They made it a point to let me know that I was always welcome, and they frequently invited me over or offered to drive me home to alleviate the parental pressure on my dad. And I thank God for that, because the less time I spend with him, the better. Anyway, it's needless to say that Luke has become like my little brother. He's just this huge bundle of energy that's always adorably glued to my hip. And I honestly don't know what I'd do without him. I'd be an absolute mess if he wasn't here to cheer me up or beat some common sense into me from time to time. So, I can't do anything to jeopardize our friendship. It means too much to me. I mean, I'm sure that Luke would be okay with me being gay, but I just don't want to take that chance. Not after my dad's reaction.

As I walked into school today, I was still trying desperately to believe that happiness was waiting right around the corner. However, it wasn't working. I felt myself slump a little bit in sadness, and I angled my gaze down at the floor as I made my way to my locker. It's the first day of the school year, and I already wish it were the last. I just want to go back to my summer routine and sleep until noon. The longer I was unconscious, the less I had to think about my emotions. And not being able to think sounds really nice right now. However, I had to stuff that desire in the back of my mind and put on a fake smile as I saw Luke rounding a corner up ahead. Once he realized I was here, he ran down the hallway to meet me. What a goofball.

“Hey Aiden! What's up? I haven't seen you in like... forever!” he said excitedly as he leaned against the locker next to mine. He was breathing heavily and his face was flushed.

“I'm okay. And I saw you just yesterday when I came to your house!” I answered. He giggled and wiped a bead of sweat off of his face. “What's with the running?”

“I guess I was just a little overexcited to see you. I haven't seen anyone that I recognize yet, so I've been all alone trying to figure out where my classes were. Now we can do it together!” he said. I opened my mouth to respond, but before a single syllable escaped my lips, Luke straightened up and started to march away. “Come on, Private! We need to assess the battle grounds!” I burst out laughing and followed behind him at a safe distance. I don't want anyone thinking that I'm associated with him, after all. Heaven forbid that my best friend in the whole world is such a weirdo. Yet there he is, marching down the hallway. And here I am, following him and trying not to look too embarrassed. Thankfully though, he soon glanced over his shoulder and smiled warmly at me to signal the end of the playful torture.

“Sometimes I question your sanity.” I said. He fell into a normal walk by my side and tried to suppress a smile.

“HA-HA. Real funny!” he responded sarcastically, rolling his eyes. “I just thought you needed something to make you smile. You looked a little down. If you want to talk, you know I'm always here.” He gave me a tender look and then smiled sweetly. And I have to admit that, for a split-second, the invitation to spill my guts to him sounded nice. Luke is my best friend, and he deserves to know all of my secrets, but for some reason I can't get myself to tell him that I'm gay. I can't take another negative reaction from someone, especially my only friend. And I absolutely cannot tell him I'm being abused by my father! He shouldn't have to worry about that... that's my problem to deal with.

“I'm okay, Luke. But thank you for the offer. And you know that I'm always here for you too.” I said. My answer seemed to satisfy him, and he nodded in response before looking down at his schedule.

“Hey do you have your schedule? We need to compare. Like...THIS second!” he said, glancing back up at me. He seemed so bouncy and energetic right then that I mentally questioned whether he had downed ten cups of coffee this morning.

“Okay, okay. Here. Happy?” I said, pulling my schedule out of my pocket. He grabbed it from me frantically, and I half expected him to start chanting 'my precious' as he held it in his hands.

“Ooh! We have world history and chemistry together. Right on!” he yelled, holding up a hand for a high five. However, before I could respond to the gesture, somebody distracted me. It was a boy I had never seen before, so he must've been new here.

He was tall, and he had short sandy blond hair that was spiked up in the front. But what really caught my attention was his sun-kissed skin and piercing emerald-green eyes. The way the light caught them made them look brilliant from far away, and I could only imagine what they would look like up close. He was just starting to develop his muscles, and they barely revealed themselves in each step that he took. So, at times he looked a bit defined, and at other times his skin looked soft and sweet like a child's. His stomach and waist were extremely slim, and his jeans barely clung to his hips. He was the kind of beauty that must've stopped traffic everywhere he went, and he had to have attracted multiple offers from modeling agencies by now. He was hot. And I was instantly captivated by him.

Luke realized that I wasn't returning the high five, and he turned to see where my attention was focused. “Who's that?” he questioned, his forehead wrinkling up in confusion.

“Who's who?” I asked. Luke gave me a sideways look as I tried to snap out of the trance I was in. And believe me, it was hard. That boy is a real life Adonis. I bet that he'd make even an angel jealous with his gorgeous golden locks and bedroom eyes. Simply put, if you took every closeted gay boy's fantasies and mixed them together into one body of absolute perfection, it would be his.

“That guy over there. You were looking at him.” Luke responded matter-of-factly. I flitted my eyes down to look at Luke, then back up at Mr. Adonis. I really don't have a good reason to be gawking at this vision of sex on legs, but I can't help it. He's alluring. Although I can't really say that to Luke. I think that might elicit a very surprised reaction that, again, I'm not ready for. So, I struggled to come up with an excuse for him. Something believable, and not too pervy sounding... come on, think Aiden!

“Oh! I was just... wondering who that was. He looks new.” I answered, trying my best to hold back a dreamy sigh. This wasn't just normal lust. I actually found myself wanting to run over and ask him questions. Strangely, I think I want to get to know him. The idea of just using him or thoughts of him for sexual gratification seems wrong to me. I want to know what it's like to just hold his hand and make him laugh. Maybe if I go up and say hi, we could become friends? That's a good first step, I think.

“So what?” Luke scoffed. He interrupted my train of thought, and the little bit of courage I was building up to go talk to this mystery boy drained from my system. “It's just some new guy. Come on, we have to get to our homeroom history class.”

And with that, Luke grabbed my arm and dragged me off to begin our morning, leaving Mr. Adonis behind in the main hallway. As he disappeared from my sight, I sighed inwardly. I'm not sure if it was a dreamy sigh or a depressed sigh, though. I was still filled with my angst and sadness from earlier this morning over feeling so alone in love and in life, but now a kernel of hope was buried in my heart. I didn't know anything about this new boy, but for some reason he had made my lonely heart feel a little bit better than it usually did. Maybe that 'someday' that love will find me... maybe it was today. Or maybe I'm just getting ahead of myself.