The Beaten Path - 1. The Beaten Path

I could just make myself out in the reflection of the broken mirror that the faint light seeping though the barred window provided me. It was dusk time, and they expected us to be resting in our beds shortly. I don’t know if you could call that a bed, and truthfully, I couldn’t decided which was more uncomfortable to rest on, the wooden box that they called a bed frame, or the thin mattress that makes hospital beds seem like a royalty’s dream. I guess I shouldn’t complain, at least now I’m no longer sleeping on the streets like I was before.

 

I couldn’t help but feel like I was just taken out of one hell, and thrown into another one altogether. At least out there, I wasn’t in jail like I felt now, unable to breathe with the musk smell from those who have shared this same domain as I currently found myself in. The room was big enough to rest your head and for a small nightstand, and a lamp. A mirror was attached to the right of the door, I guess so one could check to make certain they looked presentable come dawn. That was when it was time to be allowed out of the confined space. I couldn’t help but feel slightly more than a little claustrophobic as a result.

 

I gently touched the side of my face and winced from the pain of doing so. The bruises were noticeable, and no doubt by morning, I would have at least one good black eye. I noticed how different I looked compared to when I first entered as I got a quick glance at my face. I couldn’t recognize myself as my face was covered from having it pressed into the muddy ground. I could also make out dried blood as well, knowing full well it was my own. I guess because I was gay, I was being punished and allowed to practice what my afterlife would be like.

 

I was lying down in a park, though frankly, for all I remember, I could have been in an alleyway from the lashing I had just received. I just remember a complete stranger found me there, broken and destroyed. I could tell it was a female by the tone of her voice, but what she said didn’t make sense. I just wanted to be left alone and allowed to have my remaining life end where I currently was.

 

She had other plans for me though, and as she helped, or rather dragged, me up off the ground, she proceeded to introduce herself as Sister Mary Bernadette.

 

“What is your name?” she asked me after a few moments of me staring at her.

 

“Ethan,” I muttered out as I lowered my eyes to the ground.

 

“Hmm… I have to wonder what it is that you find so interesting about the pavement down there, perhaps it’s that piece of chewing gum,” the nun commented, breaking the silence that had once again befallen upon us.

 

I have to admit; I didn’t notice the piece of chewing gum until she pointed it out, but it was enough for me to raise my head so I was looking properly at her again, which was what, I’m certain, she was aiming for in the first place.

 

“You seem beaten, Ethan,” I raised my eyebrow and wondered why she was stating the obvious. I went to open my mouth to speak, but was silenced as she spoke, “Do you have someone to call?”

 

I didn’t say a word, I just shook my head while my eyes lowered and looked to the side as if I was trying to hide something from her.

 

“May I show you something, Ethan?” she asked me, which after a few moments of wondering exactly what it was she wanted to show me, I nodded my head.

 

She started to walk away, but stopped a short distance away when she looked back to see if I had followed. I hadn’t, and she waved me forward, to which I responded reluctantly. Perhaps it was my legs that were slowing me down, or perhaps the pain I felt from the recent pounding I received, but regardless, the nun slowed herself down to allow me to remain close.

 

We continued walking in total silence and although I knew these streets fairly well, currently they seemed foreign to me, as if nothing around me seemed real anymore. Soon we had reached an intersection that I was all too familiar with. It was also enough for me to break the silence between us.

 

“Why did you bring me here,” I asked as the nun stopped at the edge of the curb.

 

“So we could cross to the other side,” she answered which I have to admit, provoked about a dozen jokes that pertained to the same meaning. I held back making any one of those commentary jokes as I figured this nun wasn’t one for joking with, and frankly, I wasn’t in a mood for one anyway.

 

As we crossed the intersection, I couldn’t help but look back at were we came from and stared for a few moments, taking in the moment. Shortly though, I had to look away for it felt almost as if I was looking at a former home. I couldn’t help but notice when I turned back towards the nun that she had been paying attention, but had turned herself back towards where she was leading us.

 

What she didn’t know, as least as far as I knew, was that, in fact, that corner had been my home for sometime now. It felt as if it was calling to me now, asking me not to leave, as it did not want to be left behind. A part of me, in that moment, felt like turning around because it was what I knew, and going with this nun held a certain sort of unknown approach behind it.

 

“Coming?” the nun pulled me from my thoughts, as I hadn’t noticed my legs had stopped. I nodded once again as I took one last glance back, almost in an attempt to apologize to the corner for having to leave it behind.

 

We didn’t speak another word until we reached the place she was leading me to. I should have guessed it was some sort of monastery, but I never expected to be taken in, cleaned up, and then fed. The nun showed me a room that looked more like a tiny storage closet and proceeded to inform me that this room was for me to rest. I didn’t know whether to be insulted, or grateful, but nodded my head as I entered.

 

“We will continue this in the morning, Ethan. For now its time for you to get some rest,” and with that the Sister Mary Bernadette closed the door.

 

 

---

 

Morning came for me all too quickly, mostly because for years now, I’ve never had to wake up at the crack of dawn, and that includes even when I was sleeping on the streets. I could get away with sleeping in much later than this ridiculous time and it was so clear to me that the sun itself had yet to break the horizon. I doubt even God himself would want us up at this time, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was written somewhere in the bible too, but none the less, there was a knock at me door demanding my presence.

 

“Ethan,” I could hear that familiar voice calling from the other side of the door.

 

I didn’t respond, I just rose from where I was laying down and since I went to sleep with my clothes on, mainly from habit, I only required to combed my hair with my hands after glancing into the mirror before heading for the door.

 

I think I might have startled Sister Mary Bernadette when I opened the door as quickly as I did, because she took a step back as I opened the door.

 

“I’m sorry,” was what blurted out of my mouth.

 

“There is nothing for you to be sorry for, now please follow me,” the nun declared as she turned and walked away.

 

Sister Mary Bernadette began showing me around the convent and even though it appeared large from the outside, the inside was even more deceiving. The convent turned out to be a four-story building, not including the basement. The first level was your typical church aspect, where the people would come and pray on a weekly basis. Part of the second floor was used for classroom purposes, and there was also a larger room for studying. I guess it’s best to say it’s the library of the convent, despite the fact that the selections of books were limited. The third level was the section for sleeping, and the fourth level wasn’t really used, so the nun didn’t show me that level. The basement was used for mostly storage.

 

The last place Sister Mary Bernadette showed me was the kitchen, located at the back of the building on the first level. By that point, my belly was clearly letting anyone who was in earshot know that it was very interested in being filled.

 

“While you stay here, Ethan, you will be expected to earn your keep,” she stated which I turned and looked baffled.

 

Stay? I thought she was just being nice, and by giving me a place to rest since I didn’t have a place to stay. I nodded my head in acknowledgement, while I slowly digested what was being offered to me.

 

“There are a few rules which you much live by, the most important is to honor those around you, Ethan,” the nun declared before continuing. “We will not tolerate violence, regardless of where it takes place. You will also be expected to help clean, cook, and maintain the convent. You will respect the privacy of others, as they shall do the same for you. Also, because we know you will likely not be here forever, getting a job to prepare you back into the world is also advisable. However, before you can do that your studies need to be properly brought up to speed.”

 

I couldn’t help but feel a bit insulted. I’ve been on my own for years, and now I’m being given rules to follow. On the other side, I sort of felt grateful that someone actually cared enough to want to install rules upon me. The last time I had to worry about that was when I was thrown though the front screen of my house, and then having the front door slam in my face. It truly was a bittersweet feeling, and my thoughts were pulled away once again when the nun raised her tone to grab my attention.

 

“Does that sound acceptable to you, Ethan?”

 

“Yes,” I responded.

 

“That’s ‘yes Ma’am’, Ethan,” the nun corrected me.

 

“Yes Ma’am,” I answered while nodding my head.

 

“Good. Then let’s get started.”

 

---

 

Six months had passed since I joined the convent. By now, I had settled into a routine of getting up as dawn was staring to break. My studies were progressing very nicely, and I actually was almost back to where I would have been had I not left school. It wasn’t easy adjusting to this new way of life and leaving my old ways behind me. Sister Mary Bernadette seemed to take special interest in me as she always corrected me when I erred. Never in a negative way, but rather, in a positive, let’s talk about it and understand why you did falter, kind of way.

 

Sister Mary Bernadette approached me in the, I need your help but I’m not asking you if you want to help, kind of way. I just followed her, and soon enough I found myself in a room where there was a teenage boy sitting in a chair. He looked, and I swear one would have thought, that I had really hurt him badly by the way he responded to my presence.

 

“Ethan, this is TJ,” Sister Mary Bernadette introduced us with a beat as she added, “He’s a runaway.”

 

“Oh,” I said as I extended my hand in a friendly manner trying to defuse his unsettling manner just as I finished asking, “So TJ, what has you on the run?”

 

TJ didn’t answer as Sister Mary Bernadette jumped in to answer for him, “That doesn’t matter, Ethan. What matters is that TJ is under God’s protection now and you will respect TJ’s privacy, just as we respect yours.”

 

I nodded in acknowledgement and dropped the matter, however not before making a mental note that TJ breathed a sigh of relief as a result. With that made clear, Sister Mary Bernadette made her way out of the room leaving us to get to know each other better.

 

“So TJ,” I said as a mischievous smirk began to appear upon my face, “shall I show you around? I promise not to bite,” I fired out to break the ice before adding, “much.”

 

It was enough to make him smile.

 

---

 

Today was TJ’s birthday, and after him joining the convent for several months now, I figured he deserved something special. It didn’t take long for us to become the closest of friends as we hit it off right from the start. By this point, there wasn’t too much that we kept from each other anymore, but still there were some things we dared not speak of. There was certainly one thing I dared not breathe a word about, considering how negative everyone reacted when they learned about it in the past.

 

That, of course, was me being gay. I was thinking about that and remembered some of the assaults I’ve experienced from being found out of when TJ ripped me from my thoughts. I had hit the roof and he clearly saw it too.

 

“Hey, Ethan, what’s wrong?” he asked sounding a bit sad from starting me.

 

“Sorry TJ, I was just lost in my thoughts, that’s all,” I honestly explained as I placed a few books back on the shelf.

 

I had started working at a bookstore part-time and although I tried to give most of the money I made to the convent, Sister Mary Bernadette insisted I open up an account and put at least half of it in there for when I would need it.

 

“Hey no worries, I just hope they were enjoyable thoughts,” he stated in a tone that suggested he was hoping they were erotic.

 

“I guess that depends on what you mean by enjoyable,” I stated in a tone that told him I want to make a joke back, but frankly, what I was really thinking about was clearly not enjoyable. TJ frowned slightly and dropped the topic right there on the spot.

 

“So, I know you have something planned for us tonight, so spill, I can’t take it anymore,” he declared in a desperate tone, while pleading with me with those eyes of his.

 

I have to admit that he’s learned very quickly how to read me and push my buttons, and it was taking everything I had, not to spill right then and there. I actually had to turn away from him just to avoid eye contact, or I knew I would break.

 

“TJ, you’re going to just have to wait until I finish my shift,” I declared as I shifted my body away from him so that I wouldn’t see the disappointment coming from him. I put a few books back on the shelf, and decided that I needed to give him something to think about while he waited me to finish my shift. “I promise you one thing, TJ, it’s going to be a night you’ll never forget.”

 

I could feel the smile grow upon his face, and remained there plastered, waiting as impatiently as possible for me to end my shift, even if he was half acting it just to drive me nuts in return.

 

---

 

 

Sister Mary Bernadette with all her wisdom, made it clear to me that, in order for me to break free from the broken path I continued to follow, that I would have to be honest with myself and those around me. Now, I’ve never openly spoken with her, or anyone else for that matter, regarding the fact of me being gay, but I was certain she already knew the truth, even if I was too afraid to ask her about it.

 

I was kicking stones outside in back where TJ and I would often go out to get fresh air. We stayed close though because by the time we finished all our chores, lessons, and both of our part-time jobs, dusk wasn’t far behind, which means we were bound to have to head to our chambers soon enough. Still, that would be nearly an hour away and we had lots of time for us to enjoy each others company.

 

At least, I did anyway, I couldn’t help it that my emotions for TJ became more and more empowering, and the emotions I felt were clearly stronger then I’ve ever allowed before. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was mixing friendship emotions with other emotions, or if there really was something there. More than likely, it was wishful thinking, either way, I couldn’t go on avoiding how I felt, for it was eating at me more so than the fear of how he would react to learning the truth about me.

 

“So, Ethan, what’s eating at you?” TJ asked

 

“Oh, I was just thinking about stuff,” I responded in a dumb way, which I knew by now, would only provoke TJ to inquire further.

 

“Like what sort of stuff?”

 

“Err… hum… well… I… huh,” I stuttered out which kind of brought an amusing smirk out of TJ.

 

“Sounds deep, Ethan, how about we try creating a understandable sentence like we learned in first grade,” he laughed, poking fun at my expense, which was enough to make me laugh and kill the tension I was feeling just then.

 

“It’s just that when I talk about it, I often end up having a rotten experience come out of it,” I spoke with a sense of courage to admit the truth to him.

 

“You’re talking about how you learned how to fly through screens aren’t you,” TJ concluded and I responded by nodding my head.

 

TJ was quick to pick up on my thoughts, as our bond was undeniable. There was something that just clicked between us, but, what kept us from being as tight as possible was a dark secret which I dared not share from fear of the backlash I was certain to receive.

 

“You know, you never did tell me why they threw you out,” TJ interjected in a subtle way of asking me for the truth but yet giving me the ability to back out if I wished it.

 

“Oh, well it’s simple actually,” I braced myself as I tried to force it out of my mouth. “I mean it’s because they learned how sinful I was… err… I mean how bad I am.”

 

“Ethan, you’re hardly a bad guy, in fact, I’d be willing to say you’re rather a sweet guy who cares about those around him.”

 

“I’m gay,” I blurted out to him from out of nowhere.

 

I don’t know why I said it at that moment, maybe I saw an opening and took it full on, or maybe I just needed him to see me for me for a change, either way, I had now spoken the dreaded words that held me at bay. I now winced at the half frown appear upon his face in the moment. I quickly went rigid, expecting a fist across my face at any given moment.

 

“I know,” TJ spoke softly almost with a hurt tone.

 

“What do you mean you know?” I couldn’t help but ask. How could he know, I tried everything I could to hide it.

 

“I’ve known for a long time, Ethan. Ever since you… I mean… I just… I,” he seemed to fill up in pain inside as it became very clear that his emotions were hitting him hard.

 

“TJ,” I asked in concern while completely forgetting what I just admitted to, finding myself worried about TJ instead. “Come on man, tell me what’s wrong?” I begged him as I subconsciously touched the side of his arm in support.

 

“I’m sorry, Ethan, I just don’t want to hurt you again,” TJ blurted out as he bolted from me and headed inside the convent, practically in tears.

 

I don’t know what bothered me more? The fact that me being gay made TJ cry, or the fact that apparently he’s afraid of hurting me. I decided to chase after TJ, because frankly I didn’t think there was a way he could possibly hurt me. As I got close to reaching out for his arm to hold him at bay, Sister Mary Bernadette blocked my path giving TJ the opportunity to escape for the moment.

 

“Ethan,” she said in her stern tone. It was enough for me to forget TJ altogether, as I knew we were about to have another one of our chats.

 

---

 

I decided to give TJ a bit of space, mostly out of fear of how he would react towards me, since I’m certain it will be different now that he knows the truth about me. It was my turn to do the dishes and I offered to do it alone since I wanted to be alone at the moment, and besides I knew the others had studying to do.

 

Because I was doing it alone, things were going slower then normal, I had gotten all the dishes done and I was now cleaning the last of the counters. I heard someone come in, but I didn’t pay any attention towards whom it was, and after a few minutes of silence, I figured they had left.

 

“Ethan?” I heard TJ’s voice coming from behind.

 

“Yes, TJ?” I turned my head a little unsure of myself, but I couldn’t help but smile at him as I stopped what I was doing to give him my full attention.

 

“I need to tell you something,” he stated with what sounded like a hint of a nervous tone in his voice.

 

“Oh, and what is that?” I asked in a concern tone still half expecting him to be upset with my admission.

 

“It’s about the reason why I came here, the reason I was on the run,” he declared with an expression that showed just how determined he was to inform me of what he’s kept hidden all this time.

 

“Okay, then, take a deep breath and start at the beginning,” I smiled to try to ease his state of mind so I took us into the hallway where there was a bench and sat us both down. I figured this would give him the time to gather his thoughts so he could explain to me what was on his mind.

 

“I just know, Ethan, that you’re not going to be happy about what I have to tell you,” TJ spoke with a desperate tone in his voice.

 

---

 

I don’t know how I got where I was, or how much time had passed since TJ’s admission to me, I only know I was fueled by a new emotion that I wasn’t able to contain. Rage. It consumed me to the fullest extent. Somehow, I had gotten to the library, and was busy redecorating the place. I was so consumed by my thoughts that I was unaware that someone had entered the room.

 

“What troubles you my child, that you have allowed this darkness that seems to cover you like a shroud?” Sister Mary Bernadette calmly spoke while ripping me from my thoughts.

 

“Why do you think I’m troubled?” I asked out of confusion.

 

“It could be the sour look that is currently displayed on your face, or it might even be the tightly clenched fists you currently seem to have. Either way, that freshly made hole that you’ve kindly created for us on the wall over there suggests that something has you so deeply troubled,” she gestured towards the hole on the side of the wall.

 

I had been so consumed by TJ’s admission to me, that I hadn’t realized that it consumed me to the point that it took complete control over my emotions. Only now, did it dawn on me that I had become so angry, that I managed to punch a hole into the wall.

 

“I’m sorry,” I spoke in a weakened tone that clearly showing my shame.

 

“I take it TJ has something to do with your current mood,” she firmly spoke more as a statement then a question.

 

“Why do you think that?” I muttered, more in a whisper that suggested that I just been caught with my hand in a cookie jar.

 

“It was one of the less colourful words you were using just before I entered to witness you assault the wall,” she offered.

 

“Oh,” was all that came out of my mouth as my body relaxed and all the anger within me dissipated. Sister Mary Bernadette seemed to pick up on that, because I’d swear she seemed to relax suddenly too.

 

“Do you realize that this is the first time you’ve ever repressed any anger towards anyone other than yourself, Ethan?” Sister Mary Bernadette pointed out.

 

I went to object, and as I opened my mouth to correct her, I found myself closing it with the sudden truth of that realization. I always suppressed all anger towards anyone, for I quickly turned to believe it was my fault that they were angry in the first place.

 

“He was one of them,” I weakly pointed out towards Sister Mary Bernadette that she then nodded in response.

 

The two of us began discussing resent events and what lead up to my current mood. I don’t know how long we stayed there, discussion my current situation, but Sister Mary Bernadette was the one who noticed that night was now upon us.

 

“We will certainly be talking more regarding this, Ethan, but for now it’s time for you to head to your sleeping quarters and to get some rest,” she stated.

 

“Yes, Sister Mary Bernadette,” I bowed in respect as I finished, “and thank you.”

 

“You’re welcome, Ethan,” she offered as I headed towards the door. “Oh, and Ethan.”

 

“Yes Ma'am?” I asked with my hand on the door.

 

“Tomorrow you will patch this unsightly hole,” she once again gestured to the hole I had made.

 

“Yes Ma’am,” I nodded in acknowledgment as I made my way out of the room and towards my chambers.

 

---

 

It had been over a week since TJ admitted to me that he belonged to the gang that decided to gang up on me the night Sister Mary Bernadette found me. I had not spoken with him since that day. I could see in his eyes that he missed me, though my anger prevented him from ever daring to approach me.

 

I felt betrayed, largely at TJ, but partly myself, for allowing my memory to fail me like it had. I was also angry towards Sister Mary Bernadette too, for I was certain she knew of the part TJ played towards me and I no longer knew where people loyalties laid.

 

I was asked to work late and I gratefully accepted the extra hours tonight. First and foremost, it was my birthday, and I’m turning the age of an adult. Secondly, I no longer had anyone I wanted to hang out with. For the first time in a long time, being alone hurt, so I found the added distraction of working welcoming.

 

Still, I knew I wouldn’t be able to work to closing the store, as I still belonged with the convent and I was used to certain rules now. I had an hour before nightfall, and I knew it was time for me to head back. I swiped out and headed back to the convent, however, since I was running behind, I cut down an alleyway that I knew about, but rarely took.

 

I had to duck quickly when I turned around the corner, as there were a group of people talking in the alleyway when I entered and at first I thought they had seen me, but quickly learned they were focused on each other. There were five of them, and that’s when I saw him.

 

TJ was one of the five there, and it dawned on me then who the other four were. I bet they were getting a good laugh at my expense and I wasn’t in the mood to take it. Seeing the sight actually fueled my fire inside and I was ready for them, even if I was still terrified from the last encounter.

 

I was about to make a move, and move back out of the alleyway, but as I was about to budge I saw the four gang up on TJ. It quickly went from shoving to punching, and before I was able to process what was going on, TJ was on the ground as the four of them were kicking the crap out of him.

 

A flashback rolled through my mind just then, as I knew how it felt to be where TJ was now, and part of me was slightly content that TJ was living where I had been, but that’s about where things began to blur for me.

 

The anger of all my life came to the brim, as I couldn’t stand the site of TJ being pummeled needlessly. Without thought, I grabbed the nearest object and threw it as hard as I could at the four bullies.

 

“Hey assholes,” I spat out in a venomous tone, “don’t any of you know how to fight fair, or are you all a bunch of wimps who can only win a fight in groups?”

 

It was enough for the four to alter their focus to me, and forget about TJ, which I was grateful for, despite my current mood towards him. I grabbed a stick and over the next few minutes I took some interesting assaults while fighting back for the first time in my life. At one point, I was on the ground but I could have sworn I saw TJ fending them off for me. Before I knew it, the tables had turned and the four bullies were crawling away after receiving the most vicious beating of their lives.

 

Now that the fight was over I turned my attention to TJ and I was still fueled from adrenaline. I think I slightly frighten him as he backed up quickly and fell down on his backside. It was enough for me to wash away the remaining rage I held onto and tossed the stick I clenched onto tightly to the side.

 

“Sister Mary Bernadette isn’t going to happy about this,” TJ blurted out as he touched the already growing shiner on his left eye.

 

“Yeah well, sometimes, one needs to face the devil full on,” I shot back knowing full well he was talking about me fighting the bullies who just picked on him and not the bruises he was about to get.

 

“That’s not what we were taught, Ethan, and now that you’re eighteen, they will kick you out of the convent for this,” TJ spoke while clearly showing how much he still cared.

 

“I don’t care. Besides, it’s not the first time I’ve been kicked out of a place or found myself on the streets,” I declared while giving TJ a stern look.

 

TJ made no attempt to get off the ground almost as if he was hopping I would just leave him there to rot right were he laid. I actually found myself pondering doing just that, but I knew I couldn’t and instead offered a hand to help him up. Rather then taking my hand though, TJ sat there staring at it as if it was some sort of foreign object.

 

“I don’t deserve your friendship,” TJ blurted out in a weakened tone after a few moments of awkward silence.

 

“No, you don’t,” I spoke coldly as I gave up waiting for him to take my hand and bent down and pulled him up.

 

As we walked back towards the convent, I saw TJ constantly looking at me from the corner of his eyes and a few times he even opened his mouth to speak but dared not say a word out of fear of what I might reply. I have to admit, it actually bothered me to see him so broken up over what I still thought of him, and I couldn’t help but feel guilty over that. I found myself nearly breaking the silence, if only to break the awkwardness between us that was so clearly present. Perhaps I was just unwilling to give into him yet, or perhaps, I really didn’t care about us anymore, either way, I ended up never wavering, and as a result nothing more was said between us on our way back to the convent.

 

 

---

 

 

My eyes wandered around the tight space which was my own private space for the last few years and wondered if this would be my final night that I would spend protected in what I now considered home.

 

When I first was brought here, the strange aromas revolted me because they were so apparent, but as time went by, I grew accustomed to them, and now found the thought of not sleeping with them around me disturbing. My fate was sealed though and I figured there was no point in worrying about what would come next.

 

I turned towards the mirror and saw the bed in the reflection of the mirror. I couldn’t help but chuckle slightly to myself as I remembered that when I first arrived here. I couldn’t decide what was more uncomfortable, the wooden bed frame or the mattress that actually made hospital beds comfortable. It was then that it dawned on me that I still had no clue of an answer to that question, and suddenly realized that I no longer cared.

 

It was springtime and the end of my eighteenth birthday I looked hard into the mirror seeing my reflection staring back at me. My childhood was behind me as I was now officially an adult. I peered into the eyes of the face that is so familiar to me, yet I could not help but see a stranger looking back. My childhood was indeed ending as my life as an adult was just beginning; yet strangely for the first time in my entire existence I found that I was not afraid.

 

 

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