Someday Out of the Blue - 21. Funeral for a Friend

When Ryan and I ran into the hospital, I was once again accosted by the strong smell of disinfectant. And added to the intense sense of anxiety and trepidation I was already feeling, it was like hitting a brick wall of nightmares and bad memories. But the knowledge that something was wrong with Toby was enough to make me suck it up, grow a set, and keep running, with Ryan hot on my tail.

I had been a little disappointed in myself when I had woken up Ryan that morning and told him that his mom called and said we had to get down to the hospital right away. For some reason, I was half-expecting him to say it was "no big deal" or something like that. He'd been acting so weird lately that I wasn't really sure what to expect from him anymore.

But he surprised me, and was out of bed, dressed, and in his car even faster than I was. I'd never seen him drive like such a lunatic, either, running through several red lights and almost getting blindsided by a bread truck on the drive over to the hospital. Fortunately, though, we ended up making it there in one piece.

Maggie was waiting for us by the reception desk, and she looked almost as terrible as I was feeling. Just from the expression on her face, I could tell that it was very bad news. But after running across the parking lot and dodging people left and right as we ran through the halls, I was so out of breath that I couldn't speak. The fact that I was on the verge of a full-scale panic attack wasn't helping, either, and I felt as though I might faint at any moment.

"Where's Toby?" Ryan demanded. "What's going on? Where's my brother?"

Again, I was surprised at how upset Ryan was. It was like he'd made a 180 degree shift in personality since the night before. Perhaps I'd underestimated him.

I was still gasping for air and couldn't say a word, so I was just waiting for Maggie to reveal the bad news ... that Toby was dead. I was almost certain that I'd have a complete mental breakdown once I heard those words come out of her mouth, and was hoping that she had the sedatives at the ready. I would be needing them.

"Boys, let's go into the waiting room over there and talk," she said, her voice sounding tired and sad. But she wasn't bawling her eyes out like I'd have expected if she'd just lost her own son. Maybe she got her crying over and done with before we got there, or maybe she was just trying to put on a brave face for us.

"Just tell us now," Ryan demanded, his voice beginning to crack.

"Come on now, boys. Just come with me and I'll explain everything," she said.

She ushered us into the waiting room, Ryan following along impatiently, and motioned for us to sit down on the sofa.

"What's happened to Toby?" I finally managed to spit out. "Where is he? What's wrong? Is he ok?"

The questions were just flowing out of my mouth like word vomit. I wanted answers, and I wanted them now!

"Toby's fine," Maggie said, with a forced smile. "We finally managed to get his fever under control. He's still very weak, and has a slight fever, but he's doing much better now."

"Couldn't you have told us that over the phone, instead of worrying us sick and us almost getting into a car wreck on the way over here?" Ryan asked, obviously very unhappy with his mother.

While Ryan seemed angry, I was just relieved. Toby wasn't dead! But it wasn't exactly Maggie's fault that we had panicked and almost gotten ourselves killed.

"Uhhh ... Ry," I said sheepishly. "I kind of freaked out as soon as I heard your mom say 'it's serious,' and hung up the phone. I'm sorry."

"It's ok, sweetie," Maggie said, gently patting my knee. "Toby isn't the reason I called you down here, anyway, boys."

As she was talking, Maggie wiped a stray tear from her face with the back of her hand. If Toby was ok, then why was Maggie so upset? Toby wasn't gone ... that was supposed to be good news!

"Then what the hell's going on?" Ryan practically shouted.

"Sweetie, it's Mikey. He was in a serious car accident and was brought in shortly after midnight," she said.

"What? Is he ok? What happened?" I asked, my panic returning in full force. What the hell could have happened? And why was Mikey out driving after midnight? Wasn't he supposed to be grounded?

"Boys, the doctors worked on him for several hours, trying to repair the damage, but we lost him. I'm so sorry," she said, as more tears flowed down her face.

WHAT?!?! Mikey was dead? How in the hell could this have happened?! It was such a surprise, so unexpected, that my brain was having trouble processing this new information. I had myself all worked up and prepared to hear the devastating news about Toby. How could it be Mikey? I had just seen Mikey the day before at school. Sure, he was still depressed and withdrawn and all ... but he was alive! However, I felt incredibly torn inside. I was ecstatic that Toby was alive, but at the same time, totally heart-broken that Mikey was gone. I didn't really know what I should be feeling at that moment.

I looked over at Ryan, and he was as white as a sheet, his eyes completely blank. Before I could reach over to grab his hand, he fell off of the sofa onto the ground and started wailing. I'd never heard such a horrible, high-pitched, heart-wrenching sound before, nor had I ever seen him break down like this. It sounded almost inhuman. And it terrified me. I was the one who was supposed to be having the breakdown, not Ryan!

My concern for my boyfriend outweighed anything else I was feeling at the moment, so I jumped off the sofa and rushed to Ryan's side, wrapping him in a tight hug and holding on to him as he sobbed and shook uncontrollably. As soon as Maggie joined us on the floor and wrapped her arms around both of us, the waterworks began to flow freely from my eyes as well, with Maggie the only one holding us together at that moment.

Our hysterics weren't stopping, so Maggie announced that she was going to give each of us a Valium and put us in a room for a few hours to calm down. Then, she said, there was a police officer who needed to speak with us, and he would explain everything. Even though I wanted to know what had happened right away, I also knew that in my current state, I probably wouldn't have been able to focus on what he was saying. I knew I needed to get it together first.

And Ryan ... what was I going to do about him? How could I take care of my boyfriend when I was such an emotional wreck, too? And what about the rest of our friends? And why in the hell did we need to talk to the police? Maggie said it was a car wreck, and we obviously hadn't been there. We were both sound asleep in bed. In fact, we hadn't seen Mikey since the day before at school So what could this possibly have to do with us? It was all just too much to think about, my brain churning a hundred miles a minute ... and when it finally became too much to take, I fainted.

When I woke up, I was lying on a hard cot in a dimly lit room. I felt a little groggy, but not too bad. I turned my head to look around and saw Ryan on a cot next to me. His eyes were open, but he was just lying there staring at the ceiling. Unfortunately, I realized that none of what had happened that morning had been a dream. Mikey was dead.

I felt slightly calmer than before, no doubt as a result of something they had given me. Since Ryan was no longer in hysterics, he'd most likely received the same medication. But despite my feeling calmer, the pain and sadness I felt was still there, ripping my heart to shreds. Mikey had been one of my best friends, and we'd grown even closer over the past couple of months. And he was Ryan's best friend.

As all of these thoughts and emotions were running through my head, the door to the room opened and I saw Maggie poke her head in.

"Are you two feeling any better?" she asked gently.

"Yeah, I think so," I said.

"Good. Now why don't you come with me, and you can speak with the detective. He'll fill you in on what happened, and he also has some questions for you," she said.

I felt my head swim a bit when I got up off my cot, but managed to steady myself. I noticed that Ryan still wasn't moving, so I went over to help him up. He didn't resist, but he didn't help much, either. It was almost as if he'd become catatonic. I hooked my arm around his, and led him out of the room. He was walking on his own, but he just seemed ... gone. It was scary.

After leading us quickly through a maze of hallways, Maggie showed us into what appeared to be a small, sparsely decorated office, with nothing more than a metal desk and several chairs. Sitting at the desk was a familiar face -- Detective Franz, the police officer who had been working on my rape and assault case. We hadn't heard much from him in a while, as they hadn't come up with any leads yet as to who my assailant had been.

"Connor Matthews, it's good to see you again," the scruffy looking detective said. "I hear you're in a good place now. I'm very happy for you. I just wish we could be meeting again under better circumstances.

I just nodded and helped Ryan sit down on one of the uncomfortable-looking chairs, and then took my own seat next to him.

"So can you tell us what happened?" I asked. Part of me was curious, but another part wasn't so sure I really wanted to know.

Detective Franz began shuffling some papers around on the desk, then took a sip of coffee out of a Styrofoam cup. He looked about as tired as the rest of us.

"Well, I'll tell you what the facts are as we know them right now, based on what I gathered from the deceased's parents," he began.

"His name is ... was ... Mikey," I interjected, somewhat angrily.

The detective just nodded and gave me a weak smile.

"Anyway," he continued. "There was apparently a pretty serious fight between Mikey and his parents at around midnight. Lots of yelling, screaming, and throwing things. Shortly thereafter, Mikey ran out of the house, got into his car, and drove off. About thirty minutes later, a passing motorist called 9-1-1 to report a car had slammed into a telephone pole. When the paramedics arrived, Mikey was in pretty bad shape. He was already unconscious and barely clinging to life. He was still alive when they brought him to the hospital, but the doctors were unable to save him. The internal damage his body sustained was too serious. I'm very sorry."

I was too stunned to speak, and as I glanced over at Ryan, he was just staring at the blank wall.

"We're not sure yet whether to classify his death as an accident or suicide," Detective Franz said. "That's why I wanted to talk to the two of you, since you were very close to him, and we know that he confided a lot in you recently."

"It doesn't really matter which one it was, though," I shouted. "Whether it was an accident or he killed himself, it was his fucking parents who drove him to it, just because they don't like that their son is a faggot. Those goddam fucking bastards!"

"Calm down now, Connor," the detective said gently. "His parents are also very distraught over this whole thing. They said the exact same thing you just did. They blame themselves for this. His mother had to be sedated, and his father broke down sobbing hysterically. In fact, his dad even asked to be arrested."

He damn well should be arrested, that fucking sonofabitch! I thought to myself. It was a little too late to feel regret. Mikey was already dead. They should have thought about that before they treated him like shit!

"Do you know if Mikey was contemplating suicide, or did he say anything to you recently, leave a note with you, or anything like that?" the detective prodded.

"He mentioned it briefly to me one time, the night his parents found out he was gay and threw him out of the house," I said, not even trying to keep the disdain from my voice. "But I don't think he was serious. He was just really upset. And I made him promise that he would never, ever do anything like that."

"Thanks for that information, Connor," Detective Franz said. "Right now, we're leaning in the direction of calling this an unfortunate accident. He was obviously very upset when he left, and that may have caused him to drive recklessly. There was no suicide note found, and the preliminary analysis of the forensic evidence on the scene, such as tire marks, leads us to believe that it was probably just that ... an accident. Unfortunately, since there were no eyewitnesses, we may never know for sure."

I didn't think Mikey would have committed suicide. It wasn't like him. But for some reason, that wasn't really important to me, since I'd already convinced myself that he had been killed by his parents, whether he drove into that telephone post intentionally or not. That's all I could think about at that moment. And I was pissed! I hoped they had police officers around Mikey's parents, because if I saw them, I was gonna open up a can of whoop-ass and lay the smackdown on them!

Because of their ignorance and hatred, they had taken a wonderful, beautiful person from this world ... and for nothing. It was their fault, but since it was just an "accident," they would never be punished for what they had done. They would get to go on living their lives, and Mikey would never get to enjoy his. He didn't even get to enjoy it while he was alive. His parents had made sure of that, ever since they found out that he was gay ... and even before that, since they forced him to live in an environment where he couldn't be open about who he really was.

"And since I've got you here already, Connor," the detective interjected, "I just wanted to let you know that we're still working on your case. We've come up with a few new leads recently, and we're checking them out. However, they're out-of-state, so it may take a while, having to cooperate with other law enforcement agencies and the FBI."

"Do you think you're gonna catch the guy?" I asked. Even though I was more worried about Ryan and Toby, I was still curious as to what was going on with my case. I hadn't heard any news in a while.

"We're doing our best, Connor," he answered. "We'll let you know as soon as we have something more substantial."

"Thanks," I mumbled. I didn't like the thought of that man continuing to run around free. I wasn't so much afraid of him coming after me again. As far as I knew, he didn't know my name, nor where I lived. But I was scared of what he might do to other kids out there.

As Detective Franz walked us to the door of the small office, he put his hand on my shoulder and spoke softly to me.

"Connor, it looks like your friend is having a tough time dealing with this."

I didn't know exactly what to tell him. How could anyone not be having a tough time dealing with something like this?

"Well, I'm sure he's in good hands with you and Dr. McCormack," he said, with a sympathetic smile.

Exiting the office, I noticed Mikey's parents sitting in the waiting room, holding each other and crying. I couldn't bring myself to feel any pity for them, though. Sure, maybe now they regretted it. Maybe now they realized how stupid, closed-minded, and bigoted they'd been. Maybe now they realized that a parent's love should be unconditional. But it was too late for that. Mikey was gone, and no matter how bad they felt about what they'd done, nothing would ever, ever bring him back.

When we met back up with Maggie in the cafeteria, it was shortly after ten o'clock, so I figured we'd be missing school that day. Ryan was still out of it, and I had to hold on to him as we were walking, help him sit down, and try to get him to drink some coffee. Even the hot liquid didn't seem to help him snap out of it.

"How're you boys holding up?" Maggie asked.

"Not so good. I'm not sure if it's really even hit me yet ... but I'm worried about Ryan. He hasn't said a word since we woke up. He just seems really out of it," I answered.

Maggie stood up and walked over to stand in front of Ryan, then took a pen light out of her lab coat pocket and shined it in Ryan's eyes. He blinked at the bright light, so he was obviously still with it ... sort of ... but he didn't say anything. I was starting to get extremely worried. Why wasn't he talking? Why hadn't he shown any kind of reaction at all since we'd woken up?

"Ryan, sweetie?" Maggie prodded him gently, placing her hands on either side of Ryan's face and looking him in the eyes. "Can you tell me how you're feeling?"

I could hear Ryan take a breath and let it out slowly, but he made no other response, and his eyes appeared glazed over. If I wasn't still feeling the effects of the medication the doctor had given me earlier, I probably would have had a panic attack right then.

Maggie smoothed back Ryan's hair and kissed him on the cheek. As she turned back toward me, I could hear the exhaustion in her voice.

"Connor, honey, keep an eye on him. He's probably just very upset right now, with everything going on with Toby and now Mikey. But if he doesn't snap out of it later, I'll have someone come check on him."

I nodded and then asked, "Does Toby know about Mikey yet? Can we go see him?"

"Yeah, I told Toby while you boys were talking with the detective. He took it really hard. I didn't want to tell him, considering the condition he's in right now, but I felt I had to. You boys can go see him if you want."

When we got to Toby's room, with me half-carrying, half-dragging Ryan the whole way, we found him sitting up in bed. Other than the fact that he was sobbing softly, he did look a little better than the day before. He wasn't sweating profusely, and a little color had returned to his face. But he still looked very weak and sickly.

I sat Ryan down in one of the comfy chairs, wondering if I was going to end up having an invalid for a boyfriend, and then made my way over to sit down next to Toby on his bed. Neither of us said a word, just immediately grabbed a hold of each other and began sobbing loudly again. I had no idea how long we sat there, clinging to each other as if for dear life.

Mikey had been very special to Ryan and me, but in some ways, he'd had an even deeper relationship with Toby. I couldn't even imagine how hearing the news had hit Toby, especially considering his already fragile state. I also wondered who was going to break the news to the rest of our friends. Although I really didn't want to, Ryan and Toby obviously weren't in any condition to do that right now.

I eventually let go of Toby and stepped out into the hall to make a few phone calls, leaving messages on everyone's cell phones to call me as soon as they got off for lunch. Natalie was the first one to call me, but even though they were all sitting together in the cafeteria at school, I insisted on speaking to each of them individually. For some reason, it seemed like the right thing to do. But nothing could have ever prepared me for how difficult that task would be.

As could be expected, everyone was totally devastated, and there were lots and lots of tears. I had no idea how, or if, any of us could recover from losing one of our best friends. There would always be an empty place there, not just at the lunch table, but every time we hung out together, as well as in all of our hearts. It seemed to me that a wound like that would never heal.

I also couldn't help but feel that I had somehow failed to save Mikey. I should have tried to do more. It gave me some comfort, though, that the twins shared my feelings in that respect. They also blamed themselves for not doing more or pushing their mom to do something to get Mikey out of there. But I couldn't hold them responsible. I only blamed myself, and I especially blamed Mikey's parents.

We ended up spending the rest of the day with Toby. It was probably one of the most miserable days of my life. Ryan hadn't said a single word the whole time. It was like he had completely shut down. Toby and I both cried off and on throughout the day. The only good news was that Toby was feeling better. His doctors seemed to think he was out of the woods for now and would be able to begin his treatments again soon. But I was still worried about him.

The chance of Toby dying was still there, looming over us, even though Maggie had said that other than his recent episode, it appeared that he had been responding to his treatments pretty well, and they would know more in a few weeks when they ran some more tests. If the results were good, they could reduce the medication, and he would start to feel better. We could only hope.

I took a short break from my bedside vigil with Toby and made my way to the hospital's small chapel. I wasn't sure how I ended up there, because I'd never been religious, and I'd had my fair share of "disagreements" with God over the years. He had abandoned me. Even so, I still held out a little hope that He wouldn't abandon the people I loved.

The next thing I knew, I found myself kneeling in one of the pews, saying a quiet prayer. That was something I couldn't remember ever having done before.

"Please, God, I don't even know if you're listening, or if you even care about me. Just please watch over Toby and Ryan. I would do anything to protect them, so please don't forsake them like you did with me. If you'll do that, I'll try to find it in my heart to forgive you for all the shit you made me live through for all those years. And if Mikey's up there with you now, please take extra good care of him. He's one of the most wonderful people I know. He's never known love before, and I was just hoping that maybe you could show him what that's like. He doesn't deserve to feel alone anymore. Amen."

After sitting there in quiet reflection for a few more minutes, I got up and made my way back to Toby's room, still not completely believing what I had just done. I had actually prayed.

During the afternoon, one of the psychiatrists that Maggie knew at the hospital came in to check on Ryan. At eight o'clock, as we were getting ready to leave, Maggie handed me a small bottle of pills and told me to give one to Ryan before we went to bed. I was also to take one if I felt myself starting to have another breakdown.

Since Maggie had to continue working -- which, honestly, never bothered me, since I was not the type that like to be mothered, and I still had some issues with women in general, which Dr. Frazier said was to be expected, considering the relationship I had with my own mother -- I drove the two of us home. Once we got there, I had to help Ryan get showered, brush his teeth for him, and put him to bed. I also gave him one of the pills, hoping that would help him sleep a little better. He really was out of it. What was I going to do if he didn't snap out of it soon? How could I take care of both Toby and Ryan all by myself? Sure, Maggie was there, but she was always working, and she was so exhausted herself, I wasn't sure how much more she could take.

After I had tucked Ryan in, I didn't know what to do with myself. I wasn't tired. Part of me felt like I needed to talk to someone, maybe Cody or the twins, or even Natalie. She'd always been one of the most compassionate members of our group and a very good listener. But I was too afraid to leave my boyfriend alone. So I stayed with him to make sure he was okay, although I didn't end up getting much sleep. To say that it had been a horrible day couldn't even being to describe what I was feeing inside ... empty, scared, depressed, and angry. The anger was mostly directed at Mikey's parents.

Between the news of Mikey's death, the funeral, the memorial service at school, and now Toby finally coming home, I was drained, physically and emotionally. But not even I could compare to the mess that Ryan had become. Somehow, we all managed to make it through our finals, including Toby, even though the idiotic principal decided that it would be alright to interrupt them with the memorial service. Ryan didn't do so hot, but he still managed to pass. I was surprised that he was even able to take his finals, considering the condition he was in.

The atmosphere around the school those last few days before the summer vacation was thick with grief. The school had arranged to have extra counselors come in to talk with any students who needed it. It was mostly girls who went to see them, but there were a few boys who did, too. Surprisingly, even the homophobe jerks who had given Mikey and some of the other gay kids a hard time kept their mouths shut during those few days. Everyone just seemed to be walking around in a daze.

Mikey hadn't been the most popular kid in school, and he wasn't a jock or anything, but because of his sweet personality -- and good looks -- he was well-known and liked, despite the few jerks who gave him a hard time occasionally about being the "school fag." And since to many people he wasn't just some face in the yearbook, but someone with whom they had had some sort of personal contact over the past two years, that made it even more difficult. The kids in GSA were probably upset the most, and Miss Oh had a counselor come in to talk to everyone during our final meeting.

And ever since the day Mikey had died, Ryan had become unusually clingy. I didn't mind at all, but it wasn't really like him. Usually, I was the one who clung to him. But now, he was stuck to me like super glue wherever I went. The problem was, he still wasn't saying much. I knew that he needed to talk and get whatever it was off his chest, but whenever I tried to ask him what he was thinking or feeling, he clammed up. But I wasn't stupid, and I knew that eventually the dam would burst. I just wasn't sure how bad it was going to be when it did.

Maggie was also worried about Ryan's condition and asked me if I had any suggestions as to how to handle it. I was a little surprised that she would ask me, considering that she was a doctor, and I wasn't in exactly the most stable of emotional states at the time, either. Maybe that's because I actually talked about how I was feeling with Toby, Cody, the twins, and Tatyana.

"I don't really understand why you're asking me about this," I said to Maggie, when she brought the subject up.

"Well, I feel really bad about this, Connor, but ever since Toby's diagnosis, I haven't really been paying attention to much besides work and taking care of him. I think you know what's going on with Ryan right now a lot better than I do," she said, looking guilty.

"He has his psychiatrist that he goes to see once a month because of his ADD, right?" I asked.

"Yes, but that doctor specializes in ADD. I'm not sure he'd be the best at handling this," she said. "Maybe I should look into finding someone else for him to go to."

"I don't know," I said hesitantly. "He still hasn't had a whole lot of time to get over it. Maybe we should wait another week or two and see if he snaps out of it. Plus, I don't think he'd be all that willing to go see another shrink."

And so that was that. We decided to try the "wait and see" approach, but I wasn't convinced that would work. I was really worried during those first couple of weeks. On top of that, even though Toby was home from the hospital, he was still sick, and had just gotten another strong dose of chemotherapy, making him sick all over again. Fortunately, it wasn't as bad as the last time, but I now had to divide my time between tending to him and keeping an eye on Ryan.

On the bright side, Ryan seemed to have gotten over his denial issues with Toby and had started spending more time with him. He wasn't really talking to him, but at least he wasn't avoiding him when he was sick. Most of the time he just sat quietly in Toby's room, watching television with him or spacing out. I was still in charge of emptying Toby's pail and wiping him down with the washcloth.

With everything that had happened, I hadn't really had much of a chance to talk with Cody, either -- except for at the funeral and memorial service at school -- and I was worried about how he was dealing with his apparent break up with Toby. Although nothing had been confirmed by either of them, from what I had witnessed in the hospital that day, I assumed that's what had happened. So I felt like I should try to be there for him, but at the same time, I needed him, too.

And in addition to all of these people that I had to worry about, I was also getting ready to start my job at the piano store in about a week. I'd decided to take a week or two off once school let out, so I could at least have a little breather. I was most definitely in need of one, with all of the stress that had been placed on me. The manager of the piano store turned out to be very flexible and said I could start whenever I was ready. I was hoping that I could get things at home more under control before I began at the store, though. With Maggie working all the time, someone had to be around to keep an eye on Ryan and Toby. If things weren't any better by the time I had to start my job, though, I wasn't sure what we were going to do. It just seemed like things were falling apart all around me.

As for my own grieving, I did that on my own time. I tried to be strong for Ryan and Toby. They weren't in any condition to deal with me. Fortunately, I still had Dr. Frazier to talk to, a few phone conversations with the twins, and I had also moved my Wurlitzer piano into the basement, so I could go down there late at night and play without disturbing anyone. I ended up doing that almost every night after Ryan fell asleep. I'd tip-toe downstairs, tinker away at the piano for a while, and then break down in tears. I wanted to be able to fix everything, but I didn't know how.