Someday Out of the Blue - 24. I Want Love

Yes, those were definitely slurping sounds I was hearing coming from Toby's room, and since Cody had come over just twenty minutes before, I had no doubt who was involved in making those sounds. It seemed like someone had an excess saliva problem, though.

Now, I typically wasn't one for eavesdropping, but when it came to what was going on between Toby and Cody, my curiosity got the best of me. Hence, I had pilfered one of Maggie's stethoscopes and was now standing with my ear pressed up against Toby's bedroom door -- well, more like it was the stethoscope pressed up against the door. But it kind of made me feel like James Bond, which was cool. I didn't really need it, however, as they weren't making that much of an effort to keep things quiet. They may not have even realized I was at home. And since I hadn't been getting any for a while, I had to live out my sex life vicariously through others -- and at the moment, those "others" happened to be Toby and Cody.

"Put it in," I heard Toby whine. "Hurry up."

That was odd. I'd never heard Toby whine before. And put what in where?

"Since when have you wanted to try being a bottom?" Cody asked.

"I never said I didn't like it. I just prefer being a top, I guess," Toby replied. "But I want to show you how much I like you. No, I mean, love you. And I want to show you, not just say it. That's the only way I can think of."

"You love me?" Cody asked. From the way his voice cracked when he asked that, he seemed to be quite taken aback. Cody wasn't the type to be caught off guard, but apparently he hadn't been expecting Toby to say that. In fact, neither had I. But of all the people I knew and cared about, there wasn't anyone who deserved to hear those words more than Cody.

It also reminded me how much I missed hearing them. Those three simple words -- "I love you" -- could be so powerful. Unfortunately, it seemed like many people just threw those words around carelessly. So, sometimes, saying them wasn't enough. Even at his young age, Toby seemed to know this instinctively. He had always been one to show love, not just say it.

"Yeah, I do," Toby replied. I was surprised at the conviction in his voice.

"What about Connor? Do you love him, too?" Cody prodded.

"It's not like that, Cody. I don't feel that way about him anymore. I want you to be my boyfriend. Please believe me," Toby pleaded.

"No, that's not what I meant," Cody interjected. "I want you to love Connor. I love him, too."

That certainly perked my ears up. How did they go from having sex to discussing their feelings for me? I was certainly intrigued, though.

"Of course I love Connor," Toby stated. "He's been a better brother to me lately than Ryan. He's probably the greatest thing that's happened to me over the past year. And it's hard to hate Ryan, even though he's been acting like a dick, because without him, Connor never would have come into our lives."

"Yeah, Ryan's the one who basically forced Connor to start hanging out with me, too," Cody agreed, with a chuckle. "It's amazing to see how much Connor's changed over the past few months, especially considering everything he's been through. I know he thinks I'm spiritually balanced and all, but I don't think I could have handled everything he's had to face. Sometimes, when I think about it, I just want to scream. It's not fair that anyone, especially someone as gentle and sweet as Connor, should ever have to deal with that."

It was a bit strange hearing those kinds of things from Toby and Cody. Sure, they'd said things like that before, but it's a totally different feeling when someone says something when they don't realize that you're listening. But anyway, they were right -- about Ryan, that is. I hadn't thought about that since we'd broken up. Maybe I should have. If it hadn't been for Ryan, I would never have had people in my life like Toby, Cody, and the twins. As for everything I'd been through, Ryan had been one of the main reasons that I'd survived. Thinking about that, it was difficult to hate him.

"What do you think about Connor and Ben?" Toby asked.

Hmmm ... I definitely want to hear what they think about that, I thought to myself.

"I think it's great," Cody began. "I don't know if it'll turn into something serious or not, but I think it's good that Connor is at least willing to try. I just hope he'll be happy. I don't think Ben will hurt him, but then again, I never would have thought Ryan could hurt him the way he did ... and I'm usually pretty good at reading people. It's good that they're taking things slow, though."

"Yeah," Toby sighed. "I just wish Ryan hadn't been such a fuck up. And I don't know how he's gonna react when he finds out that Connor and Ben are seeing each other. But I'm glad that Connor's not moping around any more, or I might have had to sleep with him to get him smiling again."

WHAT THE FUCK?!

"Ouch! What was that for?" Toby shrieked. I could only imagine what Cody had just done to him.

"Well, I hope I'm the only one you'll be sleeping with ... at least for a while," Cody replied. "I love Connor sooo much, but I think it's okay for me to be a jealous, bitchy teenager every once in a while and stake my claim to your ... well, you know ...."

"Anything you want, babe. Now can we get back to what we were doing?" Toby asked. "I mean, I adore Connor and all, too, but he's not here in bed with us."

Even though I couldn't see them, I could imagine the cute, sexy grin that must have been plastered on Toby's face right then. And, knowing what they were up to, and that they were both probably naked already ... well, I had to go take care of some business. I briefly considered the possibility of rushing over to Ben's house and totally ravishing him, but I thought that would be taking things a wee bit too fast. So, I took care of things myself. I tried focusing on Ben, but for some reason, Ryan kept popping into my head, and that was rather disconcerting. When I eventually came, though, it was Ben who I was thinking about. And I was sure it was Ben that I wanted to be with now.

After cleaning myself off, I lay back on my bed and thought about everything Toby and Cody had said. Yeah, I felt a little bad about eavesdropping on them, but it made me feel so much better -- not just hearing how they felt about me, but that they approved of my dating Ben. I guess I was afraid that people would think I was being a total whore or something, or that I was just on the rebound. But everyone had been great about it so far. And, of course, I was tickled pink (how gay is that?!) that Toby and Cody were back together.

*****************************************************

It was a little strange without Ryan around the house, but it was definitely turning out to be a good thing. I felt much more relaxed and had the chance to explore my new relationship with Ben. If I had to see Ryan all the time while things were just starting out with Ben, I'd probably feel guilty. I didn't want to feel that way, because I knew that I wasn't doing anything wrong by dating Ben. The only problem in our new relationship, though, was that it was difficult for us to get much time alone together. When we were at his house, Derek was usually around. I still didn't feel comfortable bringing him over to my house, either. Sure, Ryan wasn't there, and Toby didn't have a problem with it, but it just felt ... weird.

When Ryan did get back from baseball camp, I had no idea how things were going to go. Part of me wanted him to know about Ben and me, wanted him to know that I'd moved on and found happiness again. But even after the "Sally Bolero Incident," I didn't want to hurt him any more. That was still a couple weeks away, though, and I wanted to spend my "free time" exploring things with Ben. It wasn't like the privacy issue was that big of a deal, since we weren't having sex or anything like that, but it would have been nice to be able to cuddle and kiss without the feeling that we were being watched.

Ben had been really wonderful so far. He was turning out to be a better companion than I could have ever hoped for. Even though we'd agreed to wait a while before deciding whether to be actual "boyfriends" or not, a big part of me wanted us to be together. But I didn't want to push Ben into doing something he wasn't ready for yet, especially since he was being so great to me. It was obvious that he wasn't quite sure how he was supposed to date a boy, though. Getting flowers and teddy bears with sappy little cards made me feel a bit like a girl, but it was sweet, and I knew that it wasn't Ben's intention to treat me like a girl ... although I hoped he didn't see me as one. I mean, I had a penis, and I didn't go around shaving my legs or armpits. I was definitely all boy.

Working at the mall, I saw lots of couples together, almost all of which were boy-girl couples. As I watched how they interacted with each other, something seemed "off" to me. The mushiness, public displays of affection, and conversations often seemed artificial. For all the talk by religious bigots about how homosexuality was "unnatural," it felt to me like the opposite was true. When two boys were together, just hanging out and goofing off, it seemed much more real, and much simpler.

Sure, I'd had mushy moments with Ryan, and now Ben, but for the most part, we had been friends, first and foremost, and the other stuff just kind of happened when it felt right. It was hard to explain, even to myself, but I couldn't imagine being able to act so natural or at ease with a girl. It just came much easier with another boy. I was no longer merely accepting of my sexuality, but happy about it. I couldn't imagine things being any other way -- nor did I want them to be.

One Friday evening, Ben, Toby, and Cody all came to meet me after work. We were going on a double date that night, something I'd never done before. I was actually really looking forward to it, despite their refusal to tell me where we were going. I didn't see what the big deal was. I mean, it was only a date ... and I didn't like surprises. I was good at figuring them out, too, like with my sixteenth birthday party. So, apparently, they had been extra careful to keep me in the dark this time.

Damn them!

Ben managed to get the car for the evening, a sporty red Toyota Highlander, and we drove into the city. We ended up at a small Italian restaurant, complete with candles, red and white checkered tablecloths, the most incredible cheese-filled ravioli, eggplant parmigiana, and garlic bread that I'd ever tasted, and even a big fat Italian guy named Guido -- who apparently was the owner -- and his son, a really cute Italian boy named Luigi. I almost had a minor heart attack when Ben took it upon himself to feed me right when the cute Italian boy walked by. I wasn't really in the mood to have our double date interrupted by a bout of gay bashing. I was in for a surprise, though, when Luigi gave us a thumbs up and a wink before walking into the kitchen.

The real surprise, however, came after dinner. Instead of going home, as I had expected, Ben drove us to a coffee shop that was advertising an "Open Mic Night." As soon as I saw the sign, I knew what they were up to.

"I'm not doing it. I don't perform anymore," I insisted, feeling a bit miffed that they would try to pressure me into doing something like that.

"Oh, get over it, Connor," Toby groaned. "Performing is your life, and we all miss hearing you sing. Just do it this one time, please."

"Yeah, come on, Connor," Ben chimed in, sticking out his bottom lip and pouting.

Well, shit! How was I supposed to resist that? I certainly wasn't going to make it easy on them, though. I didn't like being forced into doing things, and I wasn't completely ready to go back to performing yet. Fortunately, you only had to do a couple or three songs for those open mic things, so it wasn't like I'd have to put on a whole show. But there was a problem.

"What am I supposed to wear?" I asked. "I can't perform dressed like this!"

I was wearing the same clothes I'd worn to work, khaki pants, a nice royal blue button down shirt, and a pair of Doc Martens. But they weren't my performing clothes, and no one had brought anything for me to change into. How was I supposed to perform if I didn't have something to wear?

"Jesus, Connor," Toby groaned. "You sound sooo gay!"

WHAT?! I felt scandalized. That did not sound gay! What was wrong with wanting to look good when you're up on stage in front of a crowd of people?

"Well, maybe you haven't noticed, but I'm not exactly the most attractive person on earth," I argued. "I have to wear something cool so people will notice that, instead of me."

"Connor, if you don't stop saying crap like you're not attractive, I'm gonna have to beat you down," Cody jumped in. "I may be a pacifist, but I would so lay you out right here on the sidewalk. So, you'd better just get over it."

That was most certainly out of character for Cody, so I shut up. I wasn't happy about it, though. If they had this all planned out in advance, they could have at least brought me something to wear. Sheesh!

The coffee shop itself was kind of cool. As we walked in, the strong scent of incense tickled my nostrils. It was one of those artsy-type places, dimly lit, and filled with lots of small, round tables, where people of all ages were sitting, drinking coffee or tea, and chatting. There were also a number of large comfy-looking sofas where you could lounge around and chat, look at the large volumes of art books lying on the polished glass coffee tables, or stare at the abstract art hanging on the walls.

Since the "Open Mic Night" hadn't started yet, the only noise was the dull hum of conversation. There was a small stage set up toward the back of the room, with minimal musical equipment, only a couple of guitars, a medium-sized amplifier, and a pretty nice Korg digital piano. In fact, I'd sold a couple of those at the piano store and was quite familiar with that particular model.

After I added my name to the list of amateur performers, we each got a mug of Chai tea and plopped down together on one of the big sofas and got ready to listen to the first few acts. Normally, I'd have been backstage and not paying much attention to whoever was performing before me. But since I didn't have anything to change into, I had to sit there and wait. It wasn't pleasant, either, because the first few acts were pretty awful. Sure, this was a place for amateur musicians to come and sing, but gimme a break! These people were horrible. What in the hell were they thinking? If I'd sounded that bad, I would have been too embarrassed to show my face.

When the M.C. called out my name to go up on stage, I started to have second thoughts. After all, this would be the first time I had sung in front of a crowd since Mikey's memorial service, and I was having a hard time pushing away those memories. After some gentle prodding from my three best friends, I finally made my way up to the stage and was met with a polite round of applause from the audience. As I walked toward the piano, Toby shouted out, "C'mon, Connor! Get your freak on, baby!" Toby probably could have made a career out of embarrassing people.

As I sat down in front of the piano and adjusted the microphone, something I had done countless times before, so many emotions came rushing back. Surprisingly, most of them were of the positive variety. I felt a sense of security and familiarity, mixed with exhilaration. It wasn't exactly the venue or circumstances that I would have preferred for my first performance after coming out of "retirement." The crowd certainly wasn't as loud and rambunctious as in the pub, or when I had performed at school functions, and the energy was pretty low-key. Not to mention, I hadn't had time to prepare, think of an appropriate selection of songs, and, perhaps most importantly, I didn't have anything to wear. I couldn't hide behind that other persona. I had to be me.

The tone set by the previous performers had been kind of folksy, so I followed suit, starting off with Steve Earle's country rocker, "The Devil's Right Hand," followed by Bob Dylan's "To Make You Feel My Love," and Jim Reeves' "He'll Have To Go," with a lengthy piano improvisation toward the end. As I finished each song, the reaction from the audience grew louder and more energized, pushing me to play and sing harder, and reminding me why I needed this so much. I was playing and singing with as much passion as I could ever remember. I wasn't doing it for the audience, though ... or even for Toby, Cody, and Ben. I was doing it for me, reclaiming something that I should have never thought of giving up in the first place.

After the first three songs, to change the mood a bit to something a little more upbeat, I decided to play an up-tempo, ballsy rendition of Shania Twain's "Feel Like A Woman," which got the audience clapping along ... and laughing. And that was my intention. That one came across even better than when I had sung Tammy Wynette's "Stand By Your Man" at previous shows, where most people seemed not to know how they should react.

As I was pounding away at the piano and singing the chorus, I looked right at Toby, who was laughing hysterically and shaking his head, probably a little surprised at my boldness. Once I'd gotten the laughs that I had wanted, and embarrassed myself a bit in the process, I needed to do one last, serious song.

"This song is from the soundtrack to an old film called Friends, which came out in 1970," I began. "I think that was probably before any of us were born. Anyway, it's written by Elton John, it's called 'Seasons,' and I'd like to dedicate this one to a special guy. This one's for you, Ben."

I looked over at Ben -- who was blushing a deep shade of crimson -- and gave him a big smile and a wink ... then I stuck my tongue out at him. After all, he was a co-conspirator in dragging me out here tonight.

I then started right in on a long, slow, and wistful piano introduction, inspired heavily by classical music. Having spent a lot of time practicing classical music recently, I thought my phrasing and style had improved greatly. As the intro began to wind down and I prepared to start singing, I made sure to look right at Ben, so that he'd understand that what I was singing was meant just for him.

*******************************************************

"I'm really happy for you, Connor." I heard Ryan's voice from behind me, as I sat in the basement, fooling around on my electric piano.

Shit. I'd totally forgotten that he was supposed to be coming home today. I wasn't startled so much by him sneaking up behind me, as by the fact that he was actually talking to me. I wasn't prepared for that, especially after what had transpired right before he left for baseball camp. Not to mention, I wasn't sure exactly what he meant when he said he was happy for me.

"What do you mean?" I asked, eyeing him warily and turning around on the stool to face him.

Ryan was standing at the bottom of the basement steps, only about ten feet from where I was sitting, looking right at me. It was a little unnerving. The last time we had any kind of communication was when I flipped out and broke his door, and before that ... well, I couldn't really remember the last time he'd actually initiated a conversation with me.

"You and Ben," he replied. If he was trying to hide his emotions, he wasn't doing a very good job. He didn't look angry -- like I had when I found out about his "date" with Sally Bolero -- but he didn't look "happy," either, as he'd just claimed to be. To be honest, I really had no idea what the expression on his face meant. And how did he find out so quickly?

"How ...?" I asked.

"Delcondris told me," he answered, now looking down at the floor, shifting his weight nervously from side to side.

Shit! What am I supposed to say? I thought to myself. I wasn't exactly prepared to deal with this right now, nor had I been expecting him to walk right up to me and mention it. In fact, the only scenario I had envisioned was that he'd tell me how much of a hypocritical bastard I was for getting all pissy about him going out with Sally Bolero and then turning right around and dating Ben. Yeah, I was definitely not expecting this at all. I was at a loss for words, sitting there on the piano stool, fidgeting nervously.

"It's okay, Connor," he finally said, after several moments of uncomfortable silence. "You deserve someone like Ben. He'll treat you good."

Before his words had really sunk in, the first thought that came to mind was to correct his grammar, but I figured now wasn't exactly the most appropriate time for that. But what was I supposed to say?

"And I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry ... about everything," he added, his voice barely above a whisper. "I had a lot of time to think over the past three weeks, and I know how much of an ass I've been, both to Toby and you."

"Did you tell that to Toby?" I asked.

"Yeah, I did," he answered. "And I know I've got a lot of making up to do ... to both of you."

"I'm glad, Ry," I said. "But I'm with Ben now."

I wasn't trying to sound mean or hurt his feelings or anything. I was just stating a simple fact. Of course, I was glad that Ryan finally seemed to be coming to his senses, and considering our history together, I was sure that I'd be able to forgive him. But I was with Ben. I wanted to be with Ben. Ben was my boyfriend now. Even though we hadn't talked about the "boyfriend" thing, that's how I felt about it. And despite all the good intentions in the world, you couldn't just go back and change some things. Ryan needed to understand that.

"I know, Connor," he said. "I'm not exactly jumping up and down with joy, but I know he'll be good to you, and whether you believe it or not, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy ... and safe."

"Yeah, I know, Ry," I said.

"Maybe some day you'll let me explain things to you. You know, why I acted that way. I'm not trying to make excuses or anything, but I think it's only fair to let you know why."

"Yeah, I'd like to hear about it ... some day," I replied.

"So, do you think maybe we could try being friends again? Or brothers? Something like that, I guess. I've missed you," he said, in a shaky voice.

I knew what it was like to try to force back one's tears, and it was apparent that that's what Ryan was doing. I wasn't sure how we could be friends again. So much had happened, so many feelings had been hurt, and so many tears had already been shed. He looked so pitiful right then, and I could tell that he was being sincere. But what was I supposed to do about that now? Decisions had been made, the die had been cast, and sometimes there was no going back.

"Yeah, I think that'd be cool," I said, attempting a small smile.

"Cool," he said, giving me the biggest grin I'd seen from him in a long time.

For our world, the circle turns again
Throughout the year we've seen the seasons change ...