This Time Will Be Different - 1. This Time Will Be Different

This Time Will Be Different

by Bardeara

The doorbell was about to ring, I knew it would. That’s because we developed a systematic ritual that we repeated every year. It was approaching 9:20 pm and I, by this point, had completely run out of candy like I did every year, and as I always did each year, I would turn off the jack-o-lantern and begin turning off the house lights.

I always started with the upstairs room first going from room to room making certain that I turned off every light. After I made certain all the lights were turned off, I then began to make my way down the stairs, never taking my eyes off the front door. It was almost as if I was willing it to ring early, but of course it never did.

I made my way into the kitchen and opened the fridge. I reached in to grab the furthest bottle of beer, just to be certain it was the coldest and as I closed the fridge, I reached to grab the bottle opener. Once the bottle was open, I drop the cap into the garbage container, replaced the bottle opener back into its home and like clockwork, I flicked off the light to the kitchen and made my way to the den where I had the fireplace already lit.

I took a swig of the beer as I placed it on the end table I had beside my chair, and reached for the already opened book I left. The book was called ‘A Night to Remember’, written by Walter Lord, which I always found myself reading at this time of the year. It was just one of the many things I systematically played out each year.

“I nearly skipped this night altogether, but I’m glad I didn’t”, I spoke out loud as I thought about the joy that was about to enter my life. I wanted; no I needed it to be perfect. It had to be. This, I knew would be the last time he would come to my door; the man I would always love for all time.

I took a seat in the chair, kicked my feet up on the footrest, and pulled the knitted blanket over me. Other then the fireplace and the sidelight I had on the end table, the room was practically dark. I flipped though a couple of pages, but my thoughts, like always, were on him.

Lucas Wilson was his name, although most people called him Luke. I personally liked to call him Lucas, for I found just saying his name would send me floating off the ground. Every time I saw him, his green eyes always seemed to sparkle more than they did before. Or the way he would brush his light brown hair to the side of his face when clearly he needed a hair cut. Then there was the dimple on his right cheek that would become apparent whenever he laughed or smiled.

It was those little things that made me melt at the sight of him, which also made it hard for me to speak when he was around. Maybe it seemed like a simple crush, or maybe it seemed like a personal obsession, but I knew deep down inside that I loved him with every fiber in my being.

I knew 9:43 pm was just around the corner, and I knew this would be the last time that Lucas would be ringing my doorbell. It was sad, really. For many years we went though the same ritual. He would ring the doorbell and I would answer to say I don’t have anymore candy. Though the truth is, I always found it hard to speak to him, let alone to look at him. He always wore the same costume too, which of course, was Peter Pan.

A guy in tights just seemed weird to me. I nearly chuckled every time from the sight of him in those tights, though I must admit that seeing him dressed in that getup always gave me goose bumps. I learned that Lucas loved Peter Pan because of the concept that Pan never had to grow up. The concept of course was flawed, because everyone has to grow up.

“Hi,” Lucas would state, always with his head lowered and looking at my feet.

“Sorry, I’m afraid I don’t have any more candy,” I would politely reply in an attempt to keep the event as close to the events the year before.

“Oh no, I’m not here to ask for candy,” he stated before continuing. “I was wondering if I might be able to make a call.”

By this time I would always become completely nervous because what I really wanted to do was just pull him in my arms and kiss him until dawn came. My body however, had other ideas as the butterflies fluttered about in my belly, while my throat became tighter making it difficult to breath, let alone talk.

“Sure, step on in,” I managed to offer as I opened the door a bit wider to make it inviting for him.

Lucas would take only one step inside, allowing himself to take in what he now could see of the inside of the house. He stated how much he liked my house, which of course, caused me to thank him as I went to reach the portable phone that I left beside the now empty candy dish.

I would ask him if everything was aright and if there was anything I might be able to help with. Lucas always responded by stating that he needed a ride home and that he just needed a cab to drive him there. I, like every year, would eagerly always offer him a ride home, but he of course politely declined, stating that it wasn’t necessary.

I tried to explain to him that it was no bother, of course by this point he would shove his hands into his pockets and blush at the way that I was over eager to help him. We both liked each other and it was clear that the other knew it. The problem was, that we both were too afraid to admit it to the other or call each other on it. You would think that after a few years, we would try a different tactic in order to drive the other to admit that we both felt the same way. That never happened though, as we found our niche, our groove, and it worked for us.

This year I had decided it was time to change that, it was time to tell Lucas the truth and admit how I felt about him. Time for us had run out. My house had been sold, and life as I knew it was about to change forever. I had to tell him for both our sakes.

I didn’t pretend to know that night if it would open a new door for us, or close it once and for all. It didn’t matter either, as I leaned back into my chair noting that this would be the last Halloween I would enjoy here. I had lived here my whole life, and I didn’t know any other lifestyle then the one I currently held.

With that thought, I rose from my seat and made my way to the window. I remembered how Lucas used to walk by my fence on a regular basis, almost as if he was trying to take a peek at me. I don’t know when he actually moved into the area though, not that it really mattered. I know it was when we were both in grade seven, but the exact date now eluded me. By grade nine, I knew he had stolen my heart, and by the time grade eleven rolled around, I was hopelessly in love with him. It didn’t matter from that point on who walked into my life; my heart always belonged to Lucas. For me, there would be no turning back from that.

I looked at my watch and noticed it was now 9:39 pm. Only four more minutes before he would arrive. I figured, why not wait for him outside on the porch instead of in here like I always did each and every year. After all, if I was finally going to break our silence and tell him I love him, I should at least do it somehow different than by simply opening the door and shouting it out. What if he didn’t come, what if he saw the sign and decided it best not to. I decided I would wait outside for him on the wooden swing that was on the porch.

The porch wrapped all the way around to the side of the house. The swing, however, was around the corner which was away from the front door. As a result, I still wouldn’t be able to clearly see Lucas approach the door, and perhaps that was for the best. Once he did ring the doorbell, I figured I would rise up from the swing or perhaps I would just call him over, so I didn’t scare him off.

I really didn’t know what to do; I was practically frozen in fear as different possible events ran ramped in my mind. When the doorbell did in fact go off, my mind completely drew a blank. I didn’t know what to think, say, or do. I knew now he was here, waiting for me to open the door like I did every year.

“Lucas,” I called before continuing. “I’m over here, around the corner.”

The air was stale; it almost seemed as if nobody was there at all. I knew he was there, he had to be. I waited, hoping he would come around the corner, but time almost seemed to stop for me. I was almost about to give up total hope and began to rise from my seated position when his head popped around the corner, causing me to exhale in response.

“Brent,” Lucas questioned, then added, “what are you doing out here in the dark and in the cold?”

“Waiting for you,” was the response that I offered Lucas, which was totally automatic and perfectly unplanned.

“Is that so?” he stated as he started to emerge in his Peter Pan outfit. I smiled at him and patted the empty side of the swing to offer him a seat. Lucas took it with a look of confusion on his face. It was clear Lucas didn’t know what I was thinking, but I knew. I was just now determined more then ever to say it.

“Lucas, I need you to understand something. Only I’m afraid this is my last chance to say it.”

Lucas’s face turned to a look of concern and asked, “Brent, is everything alight? What’s wrong?”

“Lucas, I’m sorry I didn’t say anything before. I was afraid I’d lose you if I said anything after the accident, now I’m afraid if I don’t, I will,” I spoke as tears welled up in my eyes.

“What is it Brent? Please tell me,” he pleaded with me with his eyes, willing me to say what I knew I had to say.

“I love you Lucas, more then anything else in the whole wide world.”

There, I had said it. It was done and over with as now, Lucas knew the truth. I didn’t fully know what to expect next. Sure I suspected he liked me back, but suspecting something is one thing, actually getting conformation is another. It took nearly a second for panic to set in as I anticipated his response. It took only a few seconds more for Lucas to process what I just told him, before stating his own reply.

“Really?” Lucas asked, as his dimple appeared while a smirk began to formulate upon one side of his face. It kind of caught me off guard, as I wasn’t prepared to be questioned by my own emission of truth, though fortunately, Lucas added his own input to settle my quickly growing nerves. “I have to admit something too Brent. I feel the same way. I just never knew how to tell you.”

There, finally the pieces of the long awaited puzzle were now answered. I had waited years to tell him how I felt and to hear him admit the same in return. I always wondered why he would ring my door only on Halloween night and why it was also the same time as the night of the accident.

It was only now that it became clear to me that he was waiting for me to rewrite the ending. He was stuck in the middle, with business to finish. Tonight, I was finally ready to help him cross before I could allow myself to move forward.

“I guess we both were holding back from fear of the unknown,” I smiled at Lucas, which caused him to smile back. You could now feel the tension between us was gone.

“So where do we go from here?” he asked me as I felt a calm I had never felt before take over within.

“I’m not really certain Lucas,” I answered honestly. I looked over at the window and into the den where the fire was still going strong in the fireplace. I could see an old man sitting in my chair with his head leaning limp to the side. A knitted blanket covered him, with a book resting in his lap. I looked back at Lucas and answered with a genuine smile, “It doesn’t really matter anymore… just as long as we stay together.”

© Bardeara 2006

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