Confessions - 1. Chapter 1

Do you sometimes feel that life has passed you by? That you should have done things differently, but at the time, the idea of doing things differently was just way too scary? It’s easy to tell someone to let go of their inhibitions but that inner anxiety that some of us possess is so overwhelming. Worst of all you wonder if you had taken a different turn, would you now find yourself in a different place, a better place. That’s how I feel, I’m 18 and a half (yeah I’m one of those weird people who bother with the half) and I feel like I wasted my high school career being the scared little kid who couldn’t admit who he was or how he felt. The end of high school was when I found out all the little secrets that bound our little social order together. Who liked who? Who had secretly shacked up with whom? Now I need to learn to live in the moment, learn to take advantage of the opportunities, because while the end of high school meant the end of an era, the beginning of University meant the beginning of another. So ladies and gents this is an unchanged account of my life as of late; a journal of sorts. It tells of my desires, my hopes, my dreams, my worries, my anxieties, my love and oh so much more. Although this is an abridged version with certain names edited for my safety, my name is Ryan and this is my story.

“HELLO!!! Are you listening to me Ryan?” Jackie bellowed at me from across the table.

“Oh sorry, I was somewhere else there for a second,” I admitted as my cheeks burned red as an indication of my embarrassment. Don’t you just HATE it when that happens? I mean some people are lucky enough to not get the ‘scarlet cheek’ gene, but not me. It seems regardless of the situation, if I’m embarrassed or caught in a lie, my cheeks go bright red and it’s obvious what the answer to any question is, SOME people are lucky enough to grow out of it.

“OBVIOUSLY,” she said with a roll of her eyes. “I was just saying that you need to get out there and meet someone already.” That’s Jackie, one of my friends sitting across the table at one of the many cafés on campus. Seriously, there are about four of them, it would be a real money maker. Anyhoo! Back to Jackie, I get the feeling that she sometimes feels bad about talking about relationships when I’m not in one so she brings my lack of relationships up, nagging me into oblivion at the slightest chance. She’s the type who’s always looking for her special someone and has a new guy every week, which definitely keeps things interesting conversation-wise. On the other hand, it’s quite sad really, she’s stuck in this perpetual state of rebound after her last relationship a few months back. She just can’t seem to hold onto a guy for long, living proof that love is still alive and well yet it doesn’t seem to last. Now don’t get the wrong idea, the relationship she’s rebounding from was far from conventional; we even have a name from it, an E.A.D. or EAD.

Now I know you’re thinking, ‘What the hell is an EAD?’ One of the courses we were doing was an English paper which partly focused on the rules of a romantic novel. One of these rules was the age difference could not be too excessive and they gave an example of 17 and 37 which was the exact age difference in Jackie’s ‘relationship’. So EAD meant quite simply ‘Excessive Age Difference’ and was a constant source of amusement for me and my other friend sitting across the table, Stacey.

“I know! We can take you to that gay bar in town, you’ll love it!” THAT’S my friend Stacey with a huge grin on her face from ear to ear. “I can pretend to be a lesbian, I’ve already done it once before and my dad was thrilled at the prospect. Hehehe. Needless to say he wasn’t too impressed when he found out I was bullshitting, but hey, it meant boys could sleep in my room. Nothing dodgy or anything but still totally worth it.” Comparatively, Stacey is an entirely different person to Jackie. She is far more direct and to the point. You always know where you stand and she has this fiercely loyal persona when it comes to friends and people she cares about. Jackie is also obsessed with getting her to meet someone, but Stacey just isn’t really looking for anyone special because she wants to focus on her studies, which should be enough for Jackie. It’s admirable that regardless of her attitudes when it comes to relationships, she seems to still want me to find someone so that I can find some happiness, which is really sweet, and she isn’t just doing it because she feels sorry for me... like another certain someone.

They both have a very different perspective on what makes a decent guy. Jackie has a tendency to judge potential boyfriends on looks alone, personality and charm goes out the window if he has a six pack while Stacey looked beyond the surface. At this point it’s unfair for me to prejudge people because actions speak louder than words and they both understood my big bad secret and didn’t judge me, so I won’t judge them.

They were my peroxide blond companions who were doing a similar course of study; they were part of a very select few people in real life who knew my secret above all other secrets. The one secret I would do almost anything to protect, the secret I tell lie after lie to keep from the prying eyes of my other friends and family. It’s not that I intended to tell them… it just sort of HAPPENED.

It all started one night when we went to watch a movie. Well, Jackie, her friend Charlotte and I went to watch a movie and have a bit of dinner afterwards. At this point Stacey wasn’t really a close friend, she was more one of those people you sit next to in class, but don’t really socialize with. Don’t worry, that changed soon enough. It was more or less the weekend after we had first met each other at Uni (short for University, if you’re a bit slow). So the movie went great, we were watching The Boy In Striped Panamas and, as anyone who has seen it will tell you, it REALLY isn’t a funny movie, it’s actually heart breaking. At the start of the movie though, Jackie made a comment about how in middle-eastern pornography they only showed off their eyes, which got us all off giggling. The couple in front was NOT impressed and I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from laughing at their complaints. At the end of the movie I really can’t be sure whether I was crying because the movie was sad or because the snide remarks that Char and Jackie were making were hilarious.

So after the movie we sat down at an Italian place across the road from the movie theatre and had a chat about past relationships. Jackie brought up the subject of Michael, her EAD and THEN came the worrying topic of our ‘lists and numbers’.

“So how many people are on YOUR list Ryan?” Jackie asked with a sly grin.

“Uhmmm what do you mean my ‘list’? I’m confused.”

“Well… you know… how many people you’ve done the deed with…”

“Ha? I’m still not following you…”

At this point Char interjected to try to clarify the issue because she could tell I had no idea what Jackie was going on about. “She’s asking how many people you’ve rooted Ryan. You know, fucked, rooted, made love to, had sexual intercourse with… getting the picture?”

“OH! Sorry hehe, I guess I can be a bit slow sometimes,” I said as my cheeks went into their typical deep red at my embarrassing lack of experience in this particular area of discussion. “Uhmm well… I don’t know… I don’t really fuck and tell… why don’t you go first and I might change my mind.” That was all I could think of to steer the conversation back her way. I mean, what kind of girl actually brings this up after I’ve barely known her for more than a day?

“Finnnne! Don’t laugh, but… I’ve slept with ummm… well… eight.”

EIGHT!?!?! Was she KIDDING ME? I didn’t know WHAT to think but after hearing that I certainly didn’t want to reveal MY number. Girls are supposed to divide the number of guys by four or something, right? And with guys, you times it by four? Apparently that’s how you get the most accurate number, at least that’s what I’ve heard.

“That’s not too bad; I bet there are plenty of girls with a number as big as that one!” Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, was I ASKING for a slap in the face? I really didn’t think it through; I was just trying to be polite. “Err I mean… that’s not bad.”

“Haha, yeah right, Ryan, totally understand where you stand on the whole issue now. So are you going to tell us your number already, or are we going to die of suspense?”

“Oh well… we haven’t heard Char’s yet!” I said defensively, again in an attempt to deflect the attention elsewhere.

“I’ve only slept with two guys and they were my two ex-boyfriends. It’s weird though, I think I have this thing for geeks… I guess Andy is a bit of a geek as well, but I really like him,” Char said as she was munching on a couple of fries. She is a veggie, which I COULD NEVER do, but hey, if it works for her...

“Haha, yeah, you like him lots alright. That’s why he quote ‘repulses you’ and you aren’t ‘physically attracted to him’, yeah some boyfriend there Char,” Jackie said as she burst out laughing.

“Oh shush, Jackie. I met him online, Ryan… on this dating website… but yeah he seems really sweet and he’s an engineer so he’s going places. I mean maybe I just need some time to get used to him, you know? Even if he is like… 7 years older than me.”

Oh god… what am I getting myself into?!? I mean SERIOUSLY, one of them was a bit well… ‘travelled’ and the other was a gold digger who wasn’t even remotely attracted to her partner. Great… just great. Let’s not even bring up the fact that they were into WAY older men.

“So Ryan, are you going to tell us the magical number, or do we have to guess?” asked Jackie in a rather sarcastic way. I guess it was sort of justified at this point, because I was avoiding the obvious question like the plague.

“Uhmm well I’ve only slept with one person,” I said quietly, hoping they didn’t catch onto the last part.

“Err... person?” Jackie asked with a questioning look.

“I mean… one GIRL…hehe,” I said, with a half-hearted grin that wasn’t fooling anyone. And one might ask what the point in saying ‘person’ was. It gave me some satisfaction though, I hate lying and any excuse not to have to lie, is a total relief for me. That small slip up, that small chink in my armour, was no doubt what put me under suspicion.

Okay, but the important part of this story, what makes my life truly challenging, is the different groups of people, the different sections that have to be kept separate no matter what. The problem with this is that eventually, no matter what I do, I know they’re going to collide and when they do, the consequences will be catastrophic. My old friends from high school make up one of these sections, just like my new friends make up their own section. At this point there is only a need for me to name the main three but there were, arguably, four or more that made up our little group. There’s Charlie, my best friend, the one guy who puts up with all my ranting and I guess I’m one of the few people who gets all the nerdy references in his jokes and he gets all of mine. Charlie’s Asian but he’s one of those people who immigrated years ago so he’s really just like us except he looks a tad different, not that it matters to someone like me. He’s not really much of a socialite. I have to really talk to him to get him to talk to me, or anyone else, for that matter. He’s sort of weird and perverted at times but he’s a sweet guy who I’ve come to count on to be there. Don’t ask me to explain everything about Charlie though; I still haven’t managed to work him out, even after having known him for almost four years.

Jayden, on the other hand, is a little more social. He’s originally from the UK and still has a variation of his British accent, which is just so cute. In some ways he’s a little similar to me, but in others he’s totally different. Our group in its entirety, I must admit, is on the nerdy side, we tend to discuss computer hardware more than we would discuss the latest MTV big-breasted bimbo. This said and done, Jayden wasn’t a total geek, if anyone is going to have a few drinks with me out of our group, it would be him. He’s slightly shorter than I am now, but he has his British charm, an adorable grin and the cutest short black hair. As well, he has an undeniable tendency to judge people on their actions rather than how they look, which is extremely alluring. I remember when I first walked into my English class when I was 17, my seat was taken and my English teacher told me to “Go sit next to Jayden” and, to be honest, I didn’t want to. At this point in time I did my best to keep away from anyone I had a firm attraction to. I couldn’t risk anyone finding out my secret, but I’m pleased I did sit next to him because we got on really well. I still have to fight my feelings on occasion to keep them at bay, but to keep my secret safe I just have to keep him in the friendship pile.

The final person I really have to mention is Noah. Now Noah is the weirdest of our little group, he’s obsessed with everything computer related and half the time even Charlie doesn’t know what he’s talking about which is saying something. (Charlie is one of the more informed guys in our group.) Noah’s idea of fun is learning a new programming language, which is kind of weird, but he is a clever guy. On another note, I’ve heard rumours that he’s autistic and has other social based disorders, but that is yet to be proven and I shouldn’t spread a rumour right? As long as you understand that he’s a tad strange, but nice enough when it comes to people he knows. Anyway, that sums up the larger majority of our little group for the moment. They had no idea of my little secret and I hope to god that it stays that way.

When did my Uni friends, or chick friends, actually find out though? Well it was the first time my ‘guy friends’ and ‘girl friends’ officially met each other, hence the introduction of both groups. After a law lecture one morning (yes we all did law, apart from Char), we decided to go up to one of the study floors in the upper levels of the library to sit and chat where no one would mind. It turns out that Noah and Jayden were already sitting at one of these tables, so I walked over to them and we all sat down.

“Hey guys! How’s your morning going?”

“Yeah, not bad, I wish those maths lectures weren’t so early though,” Jayden answered in his usual friendly demeanour while Noah sat silently just listening intently. I can only assume that he wasn’t too impressed with the three new arrivals accompanying me.

“Oh! This is Jackie, Charlotte and Stacey,” I said pointing to each of the girls in turn and then did the same for the guys “This is Noah and Jayden, you guys mind if we sit with you?” I asked.

“Yeah, go for it”

As it turned out, two conversations slowly developed at the table, one between Noah and Jayden as well as one among everyone else except Noah. He was trying his best to keep Jayden’s attention all to himself, yet I could tell Jayden wanted to participate in ours as well, so being the nice guy he is, he attempted to keep both conversations going at once. Jackie was leading our particular conversation and she happened to bring up the topic of gay guys and Stacey interjected that she had an apparent talent for picking them out, which, of course, wasn’t good news for me.

“Oh yeah I’ve known quite a few gay guys, my best friend is one, after all, and I can usually pick them out.”

“Oh really? Are you always right?”

“Yeah, well most of the time anyway, because, seriously, who is always right?”

“So Ryan, do you have anyone you’re interested in at the moment?” Jackie asked in a really random way.

“Uhmm… not really,” I admitted with my typical red blush.

“Hey Ryan… are you gay? …or maybe bi?” Stacey asked in the most normal voice. It was almost like she was asking for coffee or something. Luckily, at this point in time Noah and Jayden had gotten up and were leaving the table.

“Gay? That’s a good one Stacey! Hehehe!” I grinned half-heartedly in an attempt to cover my ever spreading anxiety. How could she know? Was I honestly that see-through? Stacey waited until my other friends had cleared the table and then she asked again.

“So you’re totally straight eh? Well even I get it wrong sometimes,” she admitted.

“Y-you weren’t wrong,” I said with an abundance of that ever-waiting anxiety. What was I doing? Why was I parting with my secret to these strangers?

“You’re bi?”

“Uhmm, no… the other one…”

“Gay?”

“Yeah… but please don’t tell anyone, okay? My parents don’t even know and I think I would die if they did.”

“Oh okay, it’s cool, it’s just another part of you that makes you who you are,” Stacey said in a tone that I know was meant to reassure me.

“Besides, now I have a gay friend!” Jackie said with a hint of excitement which surprised me somewhat.

So that’s how they found out. It was kind of weird, but it sort of just happened... out of my control. I don’t really think we have any control in our lives in the end. There’s an illusion of having some form of control to make the rest of society feel more comfortable in an existence where we truly have none.

“Right, I better go. Catch you guys later?” Jackie said as I stared off into space again in that same café.

“Oh sorry, see you later Jackie!” I said in the same apologetic manner and only Stacey and I were left sitting eyeballing each other.

“You know that she and Char had a thing for you, right?” Stacey said with a wicked grin.

“WHAT?”