Luke's story - 1. Chapter 1

June 2015

It was a windy, cold, miserable, rainy day. The weather seemed fitting, today was my grandma’s funeral. My grandma Isabel was the only family I had left. My parents had kicked me out and disowned me five years ago when I was 15. I had been with my grandmother ever since. I was absolutely heartbroken when she died. She hadn’t been sick (at least not that I had known about). She just went to sleep one night and didn’t wake up the next day. I had found her when I had come back from a run and she still wasn’t up for the day. This was the hardest experience of my life. Getting kicked out of my parents home was hard, but at least I had her. Now i was alone.

I took a pew at the front of the church, sitting with 3 of the ladies from grandma’s weekly poker game. these ladies as well as my grandma were all widows and had come to see each other as family. The minister spoke for quite sometime and to be honest with you I couldn’t tell you a word he said. I just sat at the front, staring blankly forward and wondering what I was going to do without my grandma. Sitting at the front I hadn’t seen my parents and brother walk into the church. I didn't’ notice them until the end when I was walking out and my mother tried to talk to me. I know it may have been petty but I couldn’t engage her in conversation. I was too sad about my grandma, and honestly still too hurt over the way our relationship had ended five years ago.

It was summer of 2010, I was 15 years old living with my parents Jenny and Doug and my younger brother Liam who was 11 at the time. I had been out for a run one evening after supper and when I came back my parents were sitting in the living room waiting for me. Liam had been snooping in my room and found some magazines hidden under my dresser. I know magazines probably aren’t a popular choice for teen boys in 2010, but our only computer was in the living room so my parents could ‘monitor’ how we use it. And they had installed a monitoring software on my cell phone, I disabled it once and got my phone taken away for a month. So, I found myself some magazines. And so did my brother. I guess he was either confused about why I had magazines full of naked men, and naked men enjoying other naked men. Or he was mad at me. Either way, he showed the magazines to our dad and all hell broke loose.

My heart dropped into my stomach when I walked into the living room and saw my magazines sitting on the living room table and my parents sitting on the couch. I didn’t know what to do, I slowly looked up to my dad's face and looked him in the eye. I'll never forget that moment, I swear I could see anger and disgust and disappointment. I looked over to my mom, her eyes just looked sad. She looked like she had been crying and was on the verge of more tears. My dad spoke first “Luke, are you gay?” I didn’t know what to do, or how to get myself out of this situation so I decided to tell the truth. “Yes.” The next hour or so was spent sitting on the arm chair in the living room while my father yelled at me, called me hateful names and told me what a disappointment I am to him. Before he walked away he told me I was no longer welcome there. I could spend tonight there but I was to be gone by the time he got home from work tomorrow afternoon. I was to leave my cell phone and house keys.

I went up stairs and had a shower. When I got to my bedroom I packed as much of my life as I could fit into my duffel bag and backpack. When I finished packing I laid down on my bed and tried to sleep. I slept for a few restless hours and found myself wide awake at 4:00 am. I gathered up my bags and headed down the stairs and out the front door for the last time. I walked aimlessly for a few hours, it was 7:30 when I stopped and looked up. I was standing in front of my grandma’s house. I hadn’t even realized I had been walking there. I walked up the path to her front door and worked up the nerve to knock. What if she didn’t want me either?

The emotions of everything that had happened were beginning to catch up with me. My hand was shaking as I reached up, rang her doorbell and knocked on her door. I was only waiting about a minute, although it felt like a lifetime when I saw the hallway light come on and my grandma opened the door. She was in her nightgown and house coat and looked like I had woken her. She looked at me and I guess could tell something was wrong, because the first thing she did was wrap me in a hug and asked “what's the matter honey?”. My grandma is a small woman, just a hair over 5 feet tall and at the time I was about 9 inches taller than she was. But somehow she's able to give you the type of hug where you just feel safe, warm and loved. That was all it took and all the sadness and hurt from the last 24 hours started to pour out of me. I started to cry and she hugged me tighter, she didn't say anything, just let me sob into her shoulder for about 15 minutes while we stood out on the porch with her front door open.

When I started to get some control over my emotions she broke from the hug, looked me in the eye and told me to come in and she would fix me breakfast. I followed her into the kitchen and sat at the small table she had there while she worked on my breakfast. We didn’t speak while she prepared my breakfast, she place an egg and sliced ham sandwich with tomato in front of me. My favorite breakfast. I began to get teary again at the thought that this might be the last time she would ever make this for me, that once she found out about me she would want me gone too. She sat down at the table with me, I had my head down trying to hide my tears from her when she spoke. “Luke, honey, I don’t know what's going on, or why you’re so upset but i'm sure whatever it is we can figure it out sweetheart” I still had my head down when she gave me a kiss on the forehead, and told me to eat my breakfast and that we could talk afterwards.

We ate breakfast in silence, when we were finished she cleared our plates and came to sit with me. “If you want to talk about it, I would love to listen honey.” was all she said before she took my hand and held it silently at the table. It must have been about half an hour that we sat there quietly, her holding my hand patiently waiting for me to open up to her. Me, enjoying the closeness of family for what I was convinced was the last time.

I looked up at her and just said “I have nowhere to go. Mom and dad don’t want me anymore.” That was all I got out before I began crying again. My grandma had a sad look on her face when she got out of her chair to come over to be to wrap me in her arms again. She once again let me cry out all the hurt and sadness. When I was done she lifted up my chin to look her in the eyes. “Luke, honey, you always have somewhere to go. As long as I am alive you have somewhere to go. I don’t know what's going on between you and your parents but I promise you, no matter what it is you are not alone. I love you honey.” she gave me another hug and told me that i looked tired and that I should go have a shower and a nap.

I took my bags and slowly made my way up stairs, I took a nice long, hot shower. This morning with my grandma had been so emotionally draining and I was exhausted. I stepped out of the shower and was making my way to ‘my room’ the room i always claimed whenever we would stay over. I was walking down the hall when I could hear my grandma's voice, it was raised and she sounded angry. something I had never heard from my grandma before. It didn’t take me long to realize she was on the phone I stood at the top of the stairs and listened. Obviously I could only hear my grandma's side of the conversation but I quickly realized it was about me, and she must be talking to my mother. My heart sank. This is it, this is where my grandma realizes she doesn’t really want me either.

“Do you want to tell me why Luke showed up my doorstep this morning, looking lost and defeated with what he could fit of his life into a duffel bag?”... “You let your husband kick your own son out of your house?”... “I don’t really care why, what possible reason could there be for kicking a 15 year old out of his own home? He spent the morning here crying because he thinks that his own parents don’t want him anymore.”... there was silence on my grandma's end for a while, I started to panic. This is it. My mom is telling my grandma about me, the hope that my grandmother would keep me was fading fast. I could feel my breathing increase and my eyes filling with tears as my grandma continued to be silent, listening to my mom I assumed. I finally heard her speak again “You know what Jenny? I have never been more disappointed in you. That boy is your son. He has done nothing to deserve this. Do you even realize how much you have hurt him?”.... “Well, I'm sure you don’t care but i’ll be keeping Luke here with me.”... click my grandma had hung up the phone.

I made my way down stairs.

“Did you really mean it?” I had to ask.

“Of course honey, I told you, as long as I’m around you will always have a home.” She looked me in the eye and said “You’re my grandson, I love you and there is nothing that could change that” she pulled me into a hug and said “Now go get some sleep honey. We’ll figure everything out later.”

“Thanks grandma.”

I walked up to my room and lay on my bed. between having very little sleep the night before, walking for hours, and all the emotions of the morning i quickly fell asleep. only this time it was a peaceful sleep. I had a home and even though my parents wanted nothing to do with me my grandma still loved me. I wasn’t alone after all.