my life: an open..............everything - 1. Chapter 1

I guess that my life as an adult started when I was in the 6th grade. I had just turned eleven, or would be in a couple of months. I know it sounds odd to think of my self as an adult at that age, but the truth is at that age I could take care of my self more than most people in their twenties or thirties. Maybe I’m getting a little ahead of my self here. Let’s start off with me introducing myself to you. My name is Joseph. I am twenty years old and with the advice of my therapist I decide to write about my life. That is from the first moment of sex however. So let me describe my self then, at that age I had decided that I no longer like the dark brownish blond hair I was born with. So I decided to dye it a very light, almost platinum, blond. My eyes ran the gambit from hazel to dark green, depending on my mood, and I stood about 5'5 and weighed little more than 100 pounds. I always was a very pale person. Not that it was a problem to have skin as light as heavy cream. It just always kinda bugged me that it burnt easier than the rest of my family, seeing as how everyone else has a very sun golden tan.

Burbank was where I really discovered myself. I had really good friends there and my cousin too. It all started that year right after Halloween. I had a nice friend named Tina. She was one of the most gorgeous people I had even met. long black hair, dark brown eyes, and caramel colored skin. She had invited me to her house after school to help me with a science project. And of course I accepted I mean whom in their right mind wouldn't. But the real truth I went was I was ashamed of my house. Let’s face it. I was poor. So that day I went over there and things started as any normal day should. We talked for what seemed like hours about nothing really important, Until her brother came home. He was about four years older that us. God he was beautiful, same hair, eyes, and one of nicest assess I have ever seen. He talked to us for a while and then decide to go do his home work, so we went up to her room. That’s when our talking entered a new realm. After I had asked her if she had ever done anything with anyone we started to experiment on each other.

What had started off as simple kissing, quickly went into touching, then rubbing. About two weeks into our experiments, we went all the way. It started off just the same as it always had, only this time I started to take off her cloths and she mines. In no time at all we were humping and rolling around her bed. And then I asked her to go all the way. And to my surprise she agreed. So after another round of rolling around she lay on her back and I held myself above her. After a little direction on her part I started to sink slowly into her, it was a sensation that I had never felt before, warm and soft, yet extremely wet. After I got the jist of what I was supposed to do I started to pull in and out of her.

It felt like and eternity, but in all reality only five or ten minuets, before my body started to shake and my breath started to become shallow. Then I came for the first time and fell to her side. After catching my breath we started to giggle and then put on our cloths. That night when I got home I was informed that I would be moving to Spring Branch. After checking out of my classes the next day, and saying good bye to my friends, I went home to pack the little belongings I did have for the move later that week. What I didn't relise at the time was the only person I actually was going to miss was my cousin.

Living in Spring Branch was totally different that Houston. There were a lot of white people there. Cute white people. Cute white people with money. I learned first hand how easy it was for me to manipulate people into getting what I wanted. Whether it be lunch or sex with girls or hanging with friends at the mall. I could easily get it all. I was popular, I had friends, girlfriends, but I wasn't happy. I was still poor, living in a two-bedroom apartment with my mom and three sisters, and had nothing to call my own. When I wasn't preoccupied with my friends, I would stay at home and cry. I hated my life.

It was at that age that I discovered the fine art of cutting myself. The first time I did it I was in the kitchen, with a steak knife. I just so despretly wanted release form my life. A life I hated so much. I slit my left wrist, not too deep, but deep enough that it started to bleed. It was at that moment that all the thoughts in my head ceased, and what can I say I loved it. It was also at that moment that I decided if I did it again that it would have to be on a pat of my body that could be easily hidden. After finishing the rest of the school year it was decided that I could go live with my grandmother, so I could go back to Burbank with my cousin for 7th grade.

The 7th grade is where my life started to take a twist for the good. I had gone back to a school I loved, had a cousin that would do anything I asked, and got back together with Tina. We started to hang out again like we had done before I had left, when she told me that she had a boyfriend, and that we couldn’t do what we used to do. I told her that I was fine with it that I just needed a friend and she agreed. So we would go over to her house, and just chill and watch movies or do homework. A lot of the time her boyfriend would come over and hang around with us too. After a while I got to feeling like a third wheel, so one day I decide to leave. I told them that I was feeling sick, and that I was just gonna walk home, when her bother stepped out of the kitchen and offered to drive me. I of course refused telling him that I didn’t want him to go out of his way for me. When the truth was I just, couldn’t let him see where I lived, But he said that he was bored and it wasn’t out of his way. There was no talking him out of it, so I agreed to it.

Once in his car we started to talk and for someone that was older than me, he like a lot of the same things that I did. The same writers, singers, and even t.v. shows. About ten minuets into the ride he asked me if it would be ok to ask me a couple personal questions. I was having a great time talking to him so I said yes. Right after it left my mouth I regretted it, but now that I think back on it I’m glad I answered yes. No sooner had I said yes than his first question came out. He ask me want happened to my wrist. And I just sat there for a second trying to think of a way to get out of this when we pull onto my street and then into my driveway. Getting out I noticed, and I think he did to, that I hadn’t answered his question. I also noticed that the lights were off and no one was home.

Turning off his car, he got out and came up next to me, and asked if I had a key. I said yeah but didn’t want to be there alone, for what looked like the rest of the night knowing my grandmother. It was at that moment that I realized that tears were running down my face. I felt so ashamed at the way I lived, and that I had let someone see where I was living. I also felt really stupid that I was crying in front of this boy that was probably thinking how dumb I was or that I was a sissy. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder and he turn me to face him. At once my eyes fell to the ground, I just could not face him. Sounds dumb to me now, but it was at that moment I noticed that I would have to always hide my emotions from everyone.

He lifted my chin and forced me to look at me. He said that it was ok that he understood, but I doubt that, and asked if I were hungry. I smiled and said yes. Leading me back to the car, he asked what I was in the mood for. We ended up at Jack in the Box and ordered a lot of food that we took back, to of all places, my house. Once inside we sat in the very under furnished livingroom. It made me very uncomfortable to have him sitting next to me on the couch. We started to eat and he asked the same question about my wrist. I told him that I didn’t matter that it was something stupid that I did when I was living in Spring Branch. It was getting late, but there was no school the next day so he asked if he could stay over. I hesitated for a moment but then said yes.

I led him to my room that only had a foam maturest on the floor surrounded by pillows and a tv stand. Real upscale huh. I decided I needed a shower and gathered up some clothing and went off to the bathroom. After getting in the shower I felt a little better. The hot water was running down my back relaxing my muscles. After a few moments I heard the door open and saw a shadow coming close to the shower curtain. He said that he needed to shower to and said not to use all the hot water. It was then that I got a little brave and asked him to join me. He didn’t say anything to me, and I felt that I had pushed him a little too far. But then the curtain opened and he stepped in.

To say that he was beautiful was an understatement. His body was so firm in all the right places. After soaping up himself asked me to help him wash his back. You could feel every muscle under the softest skin I’ve ever felt. I was starting to sport a boner and turned around quickly. I guess he noticed cause he let out a little laugh and turned me around to face him. I could fell the heat rising under my cheeks but complied. He had a wicked grin across his face. He asked if I needed help with something and I nodded my head. He turned off the water and lead me by the hand to my bedroom.

After closing my door, he led me to my bed and pushed me down onto it. He slowly knelt in front of me and spread my legs a little bit. He then lowered himself onto me and gently kissed my lips. It was so soft and warm that it took my breath away. He looked me in the eyes and asked if I was sure I wanted this. The only way for me to answer was to lean up and kiss him again, but hard and passionately. He grinned at me and started to grind his stiff member into me. He started to kiss his way down my neck. Bitting and licking every couple of seconds. I was starting to let out little whimper sounds, and he started to laugh at me. I asked what was so funny. He said I sounded cute and continued kissing down my chest stopping at my nipples. Hie licked and nibbled on them causing a gasp to leave me, but still he continued his way down.

After lapping at my belly button I was ready for him to take me into his mouth. But he just went down onto my inner thighs. He tapped on them wanting me to open them a little wider and I complied. He started to lick upper and upper until he reached my virgin hole. It was a sensation that I had never felt before, funny and good at the same time. I started to feel him press his tongue into me and almost lost it. I was in a world of euphoria. Them he started to lick his way up again, taking my sac into his mouth.

Sucking on them gently, I heard a soft moan escape his mouth. Then he reached with his hand and took hold of me and gently started to stroke. When I was on the verge of losing it yet again he stopped. And crawled back up my body licking his way up. He looks me in the eyes and asked if he could make love to me. I smiled and said yes. He lifted himself onto his knees and pulled my legs onto shoulders. After moving in closer to me, he let his throbbing head to my opening. After a small push, his head popped in.

I can barely describe the feeling. Like liquid fire being pored into me. A mixture of pleasure and pain took me and I let a loud moan. He completely stopped, and pulled out. He asked if I was okay, and the only thing that I was thinking was how empty I felt inside. I nodded to him and asked him not to stop. He smiled at me and entered me again. After letting him slip into me all the way I could feel his thighs against my backside. We both let out a loud moan, and he started to move in and out of me. Slowly and very gently over and over again for about fifteen minuets. And then he started to moan louder and louder and came into me. He fell onto me and stayed there for a while we caught our breaths. He lifted himself onto his elbows and look at me, he told me that I was beautiful and that he had loved me for a long time. He pulled out of me and laid next to me. I turned on my side and he snuggled into me, we both fell asleep with his arms around me and our fingers in twined.

After three months we were together almost all the time. He stayed over at my house four days, or nights rather, of the week. I was for the first time in my life happy. I was so dumb back then. I should have seen it coming but it was still a shock when he showed at my house in tears and crying say something that was incoherent. I brought him through my house and into my bedroom and made him sit down. After he calmed down I asked him what was wrong and he told me something and I could feel my heart breaking in two. He said that his family was moving to California. I asked him for how long and he said a year. I was crying now and pulled him into me . I told him that everything was going to be okay and that we would find a way to be together.

Two days before the end of school, he was due to leave, and we spent the night together just holding each other and saying we loved each other. When he left it felt as though a part of me was missing. Through the next school year we talked on the phone almost every night. He told me how abusive his parents where and that he couldn’t take it anymore. I begged and pled for him to run away and come stay with me. The day he was to leave California and come home to me I got a call from his sister........she was crying and told me that he was dead. Their mother got home early that day and found him leaving and tried to stop him. He told her that he was gay and she slapped him and took his keys and made him go to his room saying that he was sick and going to hell and that she would get him fixed. When Tina got home her mother was making dinner and told her to go wash up.

When she opened the door she found her bother, my love, in the tub with both his wrist slit open and the water red.