Of Ancient Earth and Death - 2. Chapter 1: Etienne

Song: Meet me in Amsterdam - Rini

Etienne
10 Days before Christmas
The first snow fall was last night and slowly accumulate since.

So so cold

It`s cold despite the heat

Was all he could think off and as he pulled the blanket tighter around him, he tried not to think deeply about it. The house heavy with silence except for the sound of fire woods crackling. Somehow it didn`t helped one bit, and only helps add to the deafening silence. The snow outside absorbs all sounds, how he wish it did something to his mood. He felt confined, as if trapped in those weird sound canceling pod and for once he regret for turning his phone off. But there was nothing else that`s important enough for him either. He had all the information he needed.

ThumpThump

ThumpThumpThump

His hands tremble he could feel his heart drop at the thought of turning his phone on and facing any potential problem. He will take the silence over the problem bearing on of his shoulder like Atlas at the moment. So all he did was flopped back, and hugged his bolster pillow tighter.

’It`s so cold’, He thought. Deep down he knew he meant a different kind of cold, where soft blanket and endless supplies of firewood could not replicate. A void had settled in his chest the past years.

He misses the warmth that a lover can give upon returning home, the one where you knew there was someone waiting for you to come back. A faith that can only exist after years of knowing

A reason to go on.

The warmth where one would wake due to the smell of cookies, pies and bread early winter morning. The heat in your soul when you have something to look forward too or the heat of your lover`s embrace on winter afternoon, time is at your leisure.

It was the warmth of love exchange between two people, the feeling of safety and that time itself reserved just for the two of you. His eyes burned, he could feel tears brimming as he tried to hold them back. By the gods its painful, but why did he decided to fall in love?

But he knew, it`s because it was too lonely at where he used to be. He was weary of never trusting anyone, the idea of able to trust, be enough and loved as you are, surrendering completely and be protected in return appeal so much to him. His family filled with nothing but internal strife, endless greed void of conscience, if he could come out of this bleak darkness and fear from his life, it would be when he finally snapped. But he would never be, he holds back too much and look at where it had got him.

“and so lonely.” He whispered quietly to the space that confined him.

”Had only you embrace your rage and pain, turning them into a weapon your deadly tongue can wield. We could have be in a different place.” A voice whisper in his mind.

'Indeed, had only I done so.' He thought, and nearly laughed as he thought that with darkness weighing his heart.

He shut it out the useless idea and focus around the room instead.

Pale shades of purple and orange decorated the room, old world clash with modern. The furnitures marble white, Greek. The soft shades of grey walls painted for cold sky and bring out the other colours. It was meant to represent the soft colour of petals when spring first come to him. It was meant to symbolize his favourite orchids and when the first flower sprout from the soft snow. Something delicate, warmth that seeps inside your soul instead of the burning summer heat.

Who knew spring could look and feel so cold now?

Ten days before Christmas and he was lonely, no friends he felt could understand him at the moment and he only have two of them. He couldn't trust the rest of the people in his life, those who would look so genuine, who seems loyal and lend a helping hand yet stabbed him on his back.

Clariss never gave up. She found a new love and her family ever by her side to support her. Her life looks bright with future and happiness ahead. Looking at her hurts. But it was Clariss who never gave up, risking that pale noble neck trying to track him using every discrete connection she and her family have.

Donovan, Donovan was alone but he wasn`t lonely. He could dine alone in a restaurant filled with couples and family and feel secure. He was comfortable being alone and private. Donovan was just loyal and insane enough to not accept what his distant family had told him. Insane enough to barge in his safe house at 3am while Etienne was drinking his coffee, trying not to sleep for 4th day in a row out of paranoia.

But he was not Donovan and definitely not Clariss. He was lonely not because he lacked option but because he couldn`t trust himself, and he choose not to fight back. He couldn`t trust if a family`s friend would saw him with anyone he care and report back. Nor do he care enough to fight back.

He felt like he was already drowning in the dark sea, with heavy chains dragging him down.

He doesn`t want to fight, he doesn`t want to loose either.

And most important of all, he could not trust if it was someone his family sent to approach and dig information about him or anyone close to him. Years since he ran away from his family and his neck is still tied by an invisible short chain. Yanked by an invisible master.

He could not trust, at least not since 11 month, 21 days and three hours ago. He had chocked as soon as he mentally recite the numbers out. He had counted, he still remember, damn him.

Normal. That was all he wanted. A little bit of normalcy in his life.

To have friends,

a family, His heart ache.

A lover. He winced.

He could never have anything so long as the chase continues and now, he have two different group tracing his path.

It has been a while since he felt this feeling within him. It was almost foreign. Almost, since he had felt it with every waking moment since he was born until a few years ago. Fear. Fear that he learned to tampered down and tamed. He is feeling it now. He could feel the chills, goosebumps trailing on his skin despite the blanket, despite the warmth of fireplace and being alive.

His heart pound. It almost break out of his chest, but quietly, he felt sick of living like this.

What does he truly wish for?

If only he would get up and perform the solutions he chalked up. If only he had the energy to face the possibilities of failure and try again like a beast ramming against a thick steel door with pure determination.

But all he did was lay down and exist.

There was so many things and it caused his chest to constrict in anxiety, but he did know one thing.

He wanted to run.

This time, he needed to run before his family catch up on him again.