Ashes Of Another Life - 5. Accusation

“Wait, you actually walked up and said ‘take me home with you’? Just like that?” Austin found the entire situation funnier than it really was. He was giggling like a little girl, tucked in his bed underneath a Toy Story bed set that I would have burned in the third grade.

I glared at him. “She obviously took it wrong,” I muttered, frowning. “It’s not funny.”

Austin laughed harder, and if it weren’t for the fact that his hair still hadn’t grown back to cover the scar at the side of his head, I would have chucked one of his own books at him.

I had issues talking to people. I told him so back in the hospital, and it was personal. Obviously, a sore subject for me but Austin clearly didn’t get that memo and he would not stop laughing.

“Wait,” he gasped, actually slapping a hand against his bed in excitement. “Start from the beginning. Tell me the part where she slapped you again. It was my favorite.”

“I hate you,” I informed him, shaking my head as I turned away, near tripping over a rollerblade on his floor. Austin’s room was small and cluttered. There was a bed opposite the door, shelves cluttered with books and action figures on one of his walls and I couldn’t actually see the floor through all the clothes strewn all over the place. There was actual wallpaper on the walls, garish and over the top space themed. It was the complete opposite of the hospital, sterile and white and empty.

“You don’t hate me,” Austin replied, wiping tears of laughter from his face. “You think I’m awesome.”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re full of shit.”

“You came to visit me at home,” he shot back, grinning. “You missed me, didn’t you?” He nodded, looking supremely pleased with himself. “You totally did.”

There just wasn’t any way I wasn’t going to fight him on that, true or not. “Fuck you. I did not…”

“You didn’t know what to do without me,” Austin cut me off, no longer even looking in my direction as he spoke. I may as well not even been in the room. Austin didn’t really need any help carrying a conversation when he got like this. “You were lost and lonely and you missed me. Go ahead. Try and lie. I’ll know cause you came to visit me, and you can’t take it back because you’re standing in my room right now. Ha.”

“Hey, now I think I get why you never had any visitors aside from your family,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest.

“And now you,” he pointed out and I hated that there was really no way to argue with that logic.

I frowned, sitting down on the corner of a chair piled high with clothes. “And now me,” I repeated back to him, staring down at the chaos that was his bedroom floor.

I felt uncomfortable out of nowhere, a sudden crawling feeling under my skin, an itch like my skin was too tight or maybe the air was too thin. Or thick. I didn’t know, I just abruptly didn’t want to be there. Hanging out with Austin was all well and grand when he shared a room with Justin but I didn’t think this—going to his house when I could have been with Justin—was okay. I thought it would be when I decided to do it. I thought it’d be exactly what I needed to make things with Justin better and maybe start to fix whatever was broken inside of me.

But I couldn’t do that. Justin was supposed to fix me, and no amount of telling myself that it was stupid got rid of the guilt I felt at letting something else make me feel better when Justin was still lying in a hospital bed, lifeless and still.

The problem was I did actually think Austin was awesome. I barely knew him at all, but he was easy to be around. I didn’t even have to try.

It was all wrong. It was more than feeling like I was betraying Justin. I was scared. I hadn’t turned my back on Justin, far from it, but I felt like I was taking a step down the path that led to forgetting him. This was so different from talking to someone that just so happened to be sharing a room with Justin, and why the fuck couldn’t I have figured that out before I’d made an ass out of myself with his sister, same as I was sure I was about to do with Austin..

“You’re pussying out,” he commented, jarring me out of my head, pushing himself up and back against his pillows. “Whatever you’re angsting about is giving me a headache. Headaches are a bad thing for me. Brain surgery and all that.”

I snorted, rolling my eyes and shaking my head. Austin didn’t know me. He didn’t know anything about me. Just because I’d spent a couple of weeks sharing Jello cups with him didn’t mean he knew a fucking thing about me, or what I was feeling, or anything. Fuck him, and what he thought he knew.

Yeah, I was definitely deteriorating. Rapidly. But there was nothing I could do but sit back and enjoy the show.

“You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about,” I scoffed aloud, lifting my gaze to glare at him. “You don’t know anything about me.”

“I know you’re a pussy,” Austin shot back, matter of fact, without pause.

“Fuck you,” I snapped, getting back up onto my feet, hatred burning inside my chest, eating away like acid and I had no idea who it was directed at. But I knew whom I could take it out on.

I smirked, sick glee at the frown on Austin’s face, and it came out of nowhere, but I couldn’t stop it. “You were a lot less annoying when you were sleep. You should have stayed that way.”

There was something twisted and ugly inside of me, and I knew it. I just didn’t care. I didn’t care how cruel or wrong I was. I didn’t know what to do about it anyway. Might as well run with it.

I was being so cruel and I couldn’t stop. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him as uncomfortable as I was, because maybe then he wouldn’t be able to see how fucking close I was to losing my fucking mind, if I even had one left to lose.

Austin didn’t even flinch.

“Okay,” he said, drawing the word out as he stared at me, eyes wide, brows lifted. “One of us here has lost every last one of his marbles. I keep mine on the shelf in my closet so…I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it’s you.”

“Jesus,” I sighed, clenching my hands into fist to stop the shaking. I needed to get out of there. “You really love the sound of your own voice.”

I turned to walk out of the room, tripping on everything on Austin’s floor in the process, kicking things out of my way in frustration, only to stumble more.

“Conner!” I heard Austin snap from his bed, followed immediately by a tennis ball hitting me in the back of the head, and I tripped again, falling into a mess of tangled limbs on his floor and I just…gave up. I shoved a dirty sock away from my nose and buried my face into the carpet, closing my eyes against the sting of humiliation, not to mention the rug burn I was pretty sure I had on my cheek.

“Get up, grab a fucking chair, and stop being such a pansy ass bitch,” he barked, and I would have laughed if I weren’t so flustered. Austin wasn’t completely innocent, I was sure of it, but I’d never heard him sound anywhere near as pissed as he sounded right then. I hadn’t even known he was capable of raising his voice like that.

I got up, running my hands over my clothes to straighten them out as I glared at Austin, preparing myself for sympathy or…whatever. The usual.

Austin glared right back, without blinking. He looked pissed.

“I don’t know what your malfunction is,” he started, his voice eerily level. “But get the fuck over it. Today is a good day.” He took a breath and looked away before repeating, “It’s a good day.”

I was…at a loss, to say the least. The fall had calmed me down considerably and I didn’t know where to go from there. He was supposed to be insisting I leave. That was the plan but he wasn’t even looking at me. I glanced at the door, unsure why it felt difficult to just take a step toward walking out of it, but Austin caught me at it and gestured to the chair again.

And I…went. I sighed and moved back toward the folding chair, not tripping near as much this time. I lifted it up, letting everything on it drop onto his cluttered floor and carried it over to his bed.

It was awkward, but I wasn’t on the verge of a panic attack so I felt it was progress, and took a deep breath, ready to put up with it. As long as we could pretend the last five minutes never happened. If Austin tried to make me talk about it, I was going to give him a concussion, his recovery be damned.

“I can’t stay long,” I told him as I took my seat. “I have to…”

“Yeah, I know,” he cut me off. “Make sure you tell him George Washington is the president whose face is on the Purple Heart.”

“Wait, what?” I asked frowning, momentarily distracted.

“It was an answer on Jeopardy,” Austin replied, brightening already with this chance to tell me about something that had been on his mind, my ‘episode’ already long forgotten. “The president whose face is on the purple heart. Who is George Washington? We missed the question part though, because Sheri turned off the TV. I looked it up because it was bugging the shit out of me. You should tell Justin”

“Uhm…” I shook my head, snorting. I wasn’t going to bother trying to figure that out. “Right. Whatever.”

“Yeah,” Austin grinned, and then his eyes widened the way I was beginning to understand meant he’d just remembered something awesome and he was about to jump topics again.

“I was bitching at my mom the other day because I’m bored and she won’t let me get out of this bed and she refuses to go to the store and pick me up another brother…or a dog or something, like I’ve been asking, but she did get me this book…”

He droned on and on about his little book of ‘things you onlythought you knew’ and I sat back, and let out a breath, remembering once more why I was grateful for having met him.

Anyone else would have asked questions, tried to make me talk about it. A guy he barely knows has a breakdown in his room and Austin just shrugs it off? I was definitely grateful.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I didn’t go see Austin everyday—not the way I did with Justin, but I went by his house often enough. I even used the car every once in awhile. Mom’s smiles started warming more and more until I could actually feel them again. Until they were real. I swore she was going to throw me a party the first time I left the house, letting her know I was going to Austin’s before I went to the hospital. It was weird, but I got over it. At least she didn’t cry again.

I still didn’t talk to anyone at school. That was…different. I didn’t see anyway that would help me or Justin and I couldn’t do it anyway. I was doing some schoolwork, though. Austin saw to that. His sister started bringing his work home to him, and if he was doing it when I dropped by, I pulled mine out with him. I couldn’t make heads or tails of any of the math. But Austin helped some.

“How the hell do you keep up with all this shit?” I asked him one day while I visited. I was crouched over his dining room table across from him, glaring at the numbers and symbols in my math book, trying to will them to make some kind of fucking sense. Austin seemed to be doing just fine, and yeah, I never paid attention in class, but Austin didn’t even go to class.

“It’s my second time through,” he replied without glancing up at me. “I’m a second year senior. Super Senior. It isn’t really as cool as it sounds.”

I jerked, head snapping to look at him, but he was still staring down at his papers, pencil steadily scratching numbers across the page.

“What?” I prompted, dropping my own pencil onto my book. It was useless anyway. I was pretty sure I’d get a higher score if I left the page blank. “Seriously?”

“Yeah,” Austin sighed, finally looking up, but not at me. He leaned back in his chair, pressing his fingers against his eyes. “Multiple craniotomies make high school a bitch to keep up with.”

I wondered, not for the first time, what was wrong with him. I wasn’t sure how he’d take me asking. Seemed like a rude question; what’s wrong with you? I don’t know. But I let the opportunity to ask pass, kept silent. Austin looked exhausted anyway.

“You’re older than me?” I asked instead, my eyes widening as I realized he must be. He was so much smaller than I was, but that wasn’t the only thing that had shocked me. There was something about Austin. He was always so…bright and happy. There were bags under his eyes, a cruel, raised scar marring his skull, and he was paler than even me, but he…I don’t know. He still just seemed like a little kid to me. He obviously had issues, with his health or whatever, but he didn’t act like he had a care in the fucking world. I didn’t know what to do with that.

“Depends on how old you are,” Austin replied, smirking at me. “But I’d bet I am. I turned nineteen in March.”

Yeah. Definitely older than me. I shook my head in disbelief.

“I never would have guessed that.”

Austin laughed, lifting his chin and pulling his shoulders back as he puffed out his chest. “I look good for my age.”

I snorted. “You’re such a douche.”

“At least I smell pretty.”

I was silent a moment, honestly because I had no idea what the hell he was talking about.

And then I got it.

I laughed until my side started hurting, and kicked at his feet under the table. “Freak,” I said, shaking my head at him. Austin was definitely a special case.

“Shut up, I’m totally your favorite friend,” he shot back, grinning.

And yeah, maybe. But that was just because he was my only friend. I was pretty okay with that. I didn’t think I could handle any more. I barely got by without making an ass out of myself with one friend on a daily basis.

“I go back to school this Monday,” Austin told me like I’d asked for the information, before I left to see Justin. “You’re going to drive me.”

“Austin,” I said, tone flat as I packed my bag. “I know your sister has a car. I’ve ridden in it.”

“But I’m not going to be riding in it this Monday. I’m going to be in your car.”

“I run to school,” I told him, shouldering my bag.

“Not on Monday, you won’t.”

I shook my head at him, throwing a punch at his shoulder as I walked past him. “Later, Austin.” I told him as I walked out.

“Monday!” He yelled after me. I closed the door without responding.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The truth was, I wasn’t sure how I was going to react to seeing Austin at school. I didn’t have any friends. Austin was the closest I came, and so far, he had no idea just how much of a fucking basket case I was. I didn’t want him to see me at school. Not…the way I was. Some fucking zombie or robot on autopilot going from class to class without ever taking anything in.

I was sure Austin knew I was a little fucked up, but he didn’t really get it. And I didn’t want him to. I didn’t want him to start looking at me the way that Tyler did.

I didn’t go back to see Austin on Sunday, and when Monday came around, I turned down the keys to the car in favor of my running shoes, resolutely not looking my mother in the eye as I took off out the front door.

It wasn’t easy to avoid being seen at school. Not for me. It was damn near impossible. People had always stared at me, either because I was with Justin or because I made state in track or hell, maybe just because I was tall. I never really thought about it before, because I generally enjoyed the staring. I’d liked being the center of attention. I even did things to make them stare more. I tried harder in class and I was loud in the halls. I made crude jokes at the lunch table. I wanted people to see me. And they did.

Now I wished I could hide, and I couldn’t. I could still feel people staring at me. I could even hear them whisper sometimes, though, not about anything that mattered. Everyone had stopped talking about Justin a long time ago. They forgot about him quickly. Out of sight, out of mind.

Mostly, I was just the freak that used to be this or that. ‘Conner used to be so smart’ and ‘Conner used to be hilarious’. Conner used to be normal or whatever. Stupid shit. What they said didn’t really touch me, but it made it impossible to hide. Even from one person.

Austin found me before second period and made a valiant attempt to shove me into the wall of lockers on the third floor. I didn’t even stumble. Austin was smaller than me in pretty much every way possible. He was shorter, and thinner, and just…fragile.

“Jesus,” I said, more startled than anything else. I hadn’t even seen him coming.

“You,” he said, pointing a finger right in my face. “Are a dick. Also? A pussy. Just like I always said.”

I shoved past him without much force, walking away, weaving my way through the crowd of students walking the opposite direction. I just had to ignore him until I got to my next class. Couldn’t be that hard.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I hedged, stepping quickly through the halls, praying he’d take a hint and stop following me.

“I was almost late my first day back. You said you were going to pick me up today,” Austin reminded me and I felt a moment’s guilt before I realized that was a bald-faced lie.

“I did not,” I shot back, brows furrowing as I walked faster still. “You said that. I told you I run to school. Which I did.”

“Oh,” Austin replied as if this was really the first he heard any of this. He even fell behind me a few steps as he took the information in. I actually stopped with him without thinking, already used to having him walk behind me.

“Right,” Austin added, nodding his head in thought. “I remember something like that.” He thought on it a second longer before shrugging and looking up to grin at me. “That’s fair then, I guess.”

It was enough to surprise a laugh out of me. I wasn’t quick enough to stop it but I bit my lip against it, shaking my head at Austin, incredulous.

“I’ll see you around, Austin,” I said, turning away again.

“What?” Austin asked, reaching out to stop me once more. “No, wait…”

I shrugged my arm out of his grasp. “Class,” I said, nodding my head in the direction I needed to go.

“Yeah, but wait,” he said, looking harried. “You have fifth period lunch.”

I lifted an eyebrow, waiting for him to continue, but I kept my mouth shut. I already didn’t like where this was going.

“Well, so do I,” he said, like this was the best coincidence ever. “I thought…”

I shook my head, cutting him off as I took three rapid steps away from him. There were plenty of excuses I could have used to get out of whatever he was going to ask but an excuse always sounds like exactly that no matter how plausible it was. I wasn’t up to dealing with it.

“I’ll see you after school,” I insisted stepping backward. Austin seemed to notice I was walking away less if I kept eye contact while doing it.

“I’ve got something during my lunch period,” I lied, clumsily. I shrugged in apology when he lifted his brows in disbelief. “After school,” I repeated, and I meant it.

Austin was frowning at me, but he hadn’t tried to stop me again, and he hadn’t said he was opposed to the after school plan, so I called it a win, exhaling a breath of relief when I finally got around the corner and out of his line of sight.

*

I didn’t think he was going to want to see me. I hadn’t given Austin any reason to want to hang out with me. I had plenty of reasons for wanting to keep him around, but there wasn’t any reason that I could see for him to keep me around. I’d done nothing but be a dick and repeatedly made an ass of myself around him.

But after school, I followed Ashley out to her car and when Austin saw me, he sent Ashley on without him.

He arched an eyebrow as he approached, hitching his book bag up on his shoulder.

“So, you’re a flake,” he informed me conversationally, lifting his shoulder as if to say ‘what can you do’.

“I’m not a flake,” I argued, and then proceeded to stand there staring, unsure of what I was supposed to do with him now that he was there. I really couldn’t remember how this was supposed to work. I’d mostly expected him to tell me to fuck off.

“Why are you here?” I asked before I could stop myself, but the question was really bothering me. He wasn’t getting anything out of this and the thought made me uncomfortable, something like dread creeping up my spine, though I couldn’t put my finger on the cause.

Austin looked up at me in amused confusion, “You invited me,” he said, shrugging like it was obvious…which, yeah, okay but that wasn’t what I meant.

“But you didn’t have to come,” I pressed, not unkindly. Just curious.

“Didn’t have anything better to do,” Austin replied, looking around. “Speaking of, are we just gonna stand here all day or…were we actually supposed to do something?”

“Austin,” I said, annoyed at the subject change. “I’m serious, dude. I’m never nice to you.”

Austin snorted, rolling his eyes, smile inching further across his face. “You’re not nice to anyone. It’s probably why you have no friends.”

I glared at him, clenching my jaw against the scornful retort burning on the tip of my tongue. So much for him not knowing that particular pathetic little detail.

Austin laughed in the face of my glare of doom, and reached up to punch me lightly on the shoulder.

“It’s true,” he said rolling his eyes. “That scary thing you do with all the glaring and the sulking isn’t actually easily approachable. But you looked like you could use someone.” He grinned again eyes lit with mischief. “And I’m not afraid of you. Pussy.”

He shrugged like it was just that easy and glanced over my shoulder, nodding into the distance. “So…pizza? Or food of any kind? My lunch period was hours ago already. I’m starving.”

I let out a breath, shaking my head at him. If it were anyone else, I wouldn’t have bought it, but maybe, for Austin, it really could be that simple.

I didn’t bring a car so I had to listen to Austin bitch and moan the whole time the two of us walked to my house about how fragile he was and how insane I apparently was for running to school.

“There better be a lot of food in this for me,” he said, and I did feel a little bad. He looked winded and we weren’t even walking that fast. “Like, an entire cow. With a chicken. And cheese. I like cheese.”

“And I’m the pussy?” I said, instead of offering to do something stupid like carry his goddamn bag.

“Yes,” Austin answered, dismissive and absent. “Does your mom know how to make those fried cheese sticks?”

I snorted and shrugged. “She’ll make something. She likes doing that kind of thing,” I said, but I really didn’t have a clue what we were in for.

My mom about had a field day when we got there , fussing and gushing, eyes shining so bright I worried for one mortifying moment that she might cry again. She didn’t, thank God. It was embarrassing enough, without all that. I had a feeling she might actually go out and buy a cow, chicken, and cheese for Austin if he mentioned it to her.

“We don’t get a lot of company around here, lately,” she said as she went way overboard in the kitchen, trying to make Austin feel ‘at home’. I cringed, but didn’t comment. She was smiling so bright and she kept shooting me these conspiratorial looks, and I had no idea what they meant, but I did know she was proud of me. She said as much.

It was nice, in a way that had nothing to do with me. My mom was thrilled, and Kylie was happy. Kylie was always full of sunshine or whatever, but she seemed to get that something ‘good’ was happening. Everything at our apartment was always so dark and tense, and I hadn’t even realized it until it wasn’t anymore.

I sat at the kitchen table and watched. Kylie wouldn’t stop giggling as she traced Austin’s scars, and he just let her, like it wasn’t awkward or slightly…rude. My mother was smiling fondly at all of us, and Austin carried the conversation effortlessly.

I had nothing to do with it. I sat there and got lost in the noise, and no one noticed if I still wasn’t saying much or smiling along with them because this was a good thing.

And that settled my new routine. I didn’t ever hang out with Austin at school, but I met up with him as soon as the bell rang and we went to my house. Or his, it didn’t really matter, and I spent as much time with him as I could manage to stay away from Justin.

It wasn’t much. I still spent the majority of my time at the hospital. Austin was lucky if he got a full two hours out of me before I went running there.

But this…was better. I was really talking to Justin, and my mom was really smiling at me, like everything was good again. It wasn’t. There were still times when I had to remind myself to breathe, and times I felt like I needed to literally claw my skin off to rid myself of the desperate itch to wrap myself up in Justin, but…they didn’t know anymore. They couldn’t see it as well. And…that was better for everyone.

But Austin…whatever that is, it isn’t me giving up, or forgetting. I need you to know that. I don’t sleep anymore. I’ll always be waiting.