Undetermined Identity - 2. Chapter 2...Self Realization

Self-observation brings man to the realizationof the necessity of self-change. And in observing himself a man notices that self-observation itself brings about certain changes in his inner processes. He begins to understand that self-observation is an instrument of self-change, a means of awakening.”

~George Gurdjieff~

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Nick woke up to the ringing of his cell phone. The ringing woke Lisa up as well.

“Baby.” She whispered “your phone.” Lightly tapping him on his chest.

“Mmm,” Nick reached for the phone. “Helloooo,”

“Nick, man get your ass up.” Tyler laughed on the other end of the phone.

“Ok, damn, what time is it?” He leaned up on his elbows looking at the IPod home.

“It’s 8:15”

“What the hell are you doing up so early?”

“Ashley has dance class this morning and Cody is teething so the whole house is awake.”

“Oh…I see.” Nick laughed.

“Yeah man I need to get the hell out of here they are driving me crazy, meet me at the coffee house in 30 minutes ok?”

“Ok.” Nick closed his cell phone sat it over on the nightstand. Lisa was now laying her head on his chest lightly stroking his smooth, muscular skin. She planted soft wet kisses on his chest and slowly moved her hand toward the waistband of his pants.

“Stop it Lisa.” Nick pulled her hand out and pushed her off him. Lisa was shocked at his reaction and asked.

“Why Nick, are you still mad at me?”

“Are you kidding me?” He asked in disbelief walking over to the bathroom.

“Nick, baby I said I was sorry can’t we just get pass this and move on?” She asked getting out of bed she walked over to her husband with open arms only to have him turn his back to her and closed the door.

“Unbelievable.” He sighed closing the door.
Nick finished his shower and got dressed relieved that Lisa was not there when he came out. As he was getting dressed, he noticed a note on the bed.

Nick, I hate it when we fight, please don’t be me mad…I love you.
Going to the gym, then to dance class.
Love, Lisa

Nick read the note, sighed, and threw it in the trashcan by the bed. He got dressed in a pair of blue sport shorts with the white piping down the side and a white sleeveless tee, some called a wife beater. He jogged down the stairs to the kitchen grabbed a bottled water from the fridge, pulled the shopping list off the door and headed to his truck.

*****

Nick arrived at the Coffee House and headed inside. Looking around he noticed Tyler was not there yet. He made his was to the counter.

“Morning Lee.” Nick smiled his award-winning smile.
Lee smiled back grabbing a tall cup, “Morning Nick, A tall black coffee?” She said holding up the empty cup.

“Oh, I love you girl.” Nick smiled placing his hand over his heart.

“Coming right up.” Lee turned and made Nick’s order as he glanced over the café. He noticed Danny pecking away on the key pad his lap top looking like he was on a mission. Pencil clamped between his teeth, eyebrows drawn together and a latte on the side. Nick turned resting his arms on the bar; he leans back and watches the brown-eyed beauty go at it.

“Here yea go.” Lee sat the coffee on the counter and took the next customer’s order.

“Thanks Lee.”

Nick reached for the coffee and headed to stand where the condiments were. He carefully took the lid off the coffee and added the cream and splendar only taking his eyes off Danny for short moments to keep from burning himself. He looked around the café and took in a huge breath of air in through his nose, released it slowly and made his way over to Danny.

“Hey.” Nick nodded and smiled.

Danny looked up, “Mmm.” Danny removed the pencil from his mouth. “Hey.” He said then placed it back in his mouth.

Looking down at the screen of the lap top Nick took a sip of his coffee and said, “You look busy.”

Danny removed the pencil from his mouth once more and stated. “I’m working on this story for my creative writing class and I was on a roll, you know.” Danny rubbed his hands up and down his thighs then cracked his knuckles.

“Well don’t let me keep you.” Nick turned to walk away.

“NO!...I mean no it’s cool have a seat.” Oh, my god he’s gorgeous… Danny motioned to the empty seat in front of him.
Nodding toward the seat Nick asked, “You sure?”

“Oh yes please.” Danny smile. “Here early on a Saturday, Huh?”

“Well I’m meeting a friend here before we head to the courts to play a little one on one.

“That’s cool, you any good?” Danny asked smiling and taking a sip of his latte while gazing into Nick’s eyes.

“I do ok.” Nick pressed his lips together and returned the smile.

“Oh, I might have to play you in a little one on one.” Danny wiggled his eyebrows taking the assumptive approach. Nick laughs nervously.

“What, afraid of a little competition?” Danny sat back in his seat crossing his arms over his chest and chuckled.

“No of course not, it’s cool if you don’t mind getting your ass whooped.”

“You can whoop my ass any day.” Danny whispered under his breath while taking another sip of his latte.

“What?” Nick leaned his ear toward Danny.

“Oh I said I wish you could try and whoop my ass today, but I have to work.” “Shew that was a good save.” Danny thought to himself.

“Yeah, cool maybe another time.” They both sat in silence and drank their coffee when Nick blurted out, “Maybe you can come watch me play or you could study or something.” His voice trailed off on the and something part. "What the fuck did you say that for….idiot"
Danny ducked his head and smiled shyly.

“I mean…” Nick was at a loss for words.

“I would love to, that is… if your girlfriend doesn’t mind.” Danny threw it out there to see if Nick would bite.

“My wife.” Nick sounded almost ashamed at the admission.

“You’re married?” Danny smiled nodding his head toward Nick waiting on an answer.
Looking down at the lid of his coffee and running his fingers around the edge he said in a low whisper, “Yes.”

“Hum, happily?”

“Huh?” Nick looked up quickly.

“I asked if you were happily married.” Danny repeated the question placing his index finger on the side of his bottom lip. The question surprised Nick, and just as he was about to speak, not sure of what he was going to say, Tyler saved him.

“Hey Nick.” Tyler jogged in and headed toward the counter. “Sorry I’m late man, let me order a coffee to go and we can head out.”

“It’s cool man.” Nick spoke over his shoulder, nodding toward Tyler, Nick said. “That’s my….”

“Other half of your one on one?” Danny bit his lip and smiled.

“Yeah, um… well it was nice talking to you Danny. Nick said getting up from the booth.

“You too Nick, take care, see you on the courts.” Danny rubbed his hands together, took a sip of his latte, and started typing again. Nick made his way to Tyler.

“Who’s that?” Tyler asked paying for his order and looking over in Danny’s direction.

Nick placed his hand on Tyler’s shoulder, “Oh him, his name is Danny; let’s go man I got shopping to do.” He laughed walking toward the door. Once outside Nick looked in to the window of the café he and Danny made eye contact once more, Nick gave a half smile feeling his heart flutter before he got into his truck.

“Yeah, see you on the courts Nick. Off Lee it’s definitely off” Danny smirked and said aloud then went back to typing.

***On the court.***

Nick was off on his game this morning.

“Shit man, that’s a foul dude, and a flagrant one at that.”

“Sorry man, one more, let’s go.” Nick clapped his hands together for Tyler to take the ball out. Tyler was dribbling the ball and was heading for the goal to make a shot, when Nick charged him knocking him off his feet.

“That’s it,” Tyler shouted. “Time out! Time out!” He said making the time out sign with his hands. Nick walked over to Tyler extending his hand to help him off the ground.

“Sorry man I didn’t realize how fast I was going.” Nick kept his hand extended, motioning Tyler to let him help him up. Tyler slapped Nick’s hand out of the way and got up on his own.

“Shit, Nick, I came to play a little ‘one on one’, not ‘one beat the shit out of one’.” Tyler said half joking as he walked over to where the bottle of Gatorade was sitting. Nick followed wiping the sweat from his brow with the back of his hand.
Tyler took a sip of the replenishing drink, “Spill it,” He said after a gulp.

Nick sighed, sat down on the bench rubbed and his head with one hand while resting the other on his knee.

“Well let’s see. My life is a wreck… I’m married to a woman I’m not in love with, who keeps trying to trick me by getting pregnant, when she knows I don’t want a baby. I met this amazing…amazing guy, who I feel totally drawn to and, I would so want to get to know, and I know he wants it too, I feel it; he’s starting to invade my mental space all the time, hell I just laid eyes on him for the first time yesterday, crazy I know… other than that it’s great.” Nick babbled.

Tyler gaped at Nick. He seemed lost in translation. Nick’s eyes widened when he realized what he had just confessed. Tyler kept starring at him until his trance, was broken by the fact that he still had his Gatorade tipped up to his mouth, and it was now dribbling down his shirt. He quickly shook his head, and started patting away at the wet spot by his collar.

“Oh shit did I say that out loud?” Nick covered his mouth with his hand at his own confession, he didn’t realize he spoken aloud. That’s what he was thinking he wanted to say. “Shit, look man I’m-

“THANK THE LORD!” Tyler interrupted, by shouting at the sky. Nick looked at him as if he had two heads. “You don’t know how many nights Ashley and I stayed up conversing about this.”
Nick shook his head in confusion. “What?” he gaped.

“Oh, man… Oh man, oh man.” Tyler sighed, and screwed the cap back on his bottle. “This is a break-through.”
Nick just squinted questioningly at his friend. He stood up carefully and said, “Look, I think I’m going to g-

“Oh, no! You’re not going anywhere. I knew there was something off about you. Ever sense college,” Tyler started.

“Tyler,” Nick said calmly.

“I have to say you scared me that one night, at that frat party,”

“Ty-ler,” Nick said a little more aggressively.

“I mean, I knew you were drunk. But, you don’t just go grabbing on a guy’s a-

“TYLER!” Nick shouted. Tyler looked at him.

“Well, you didn’t have to yell.” He defended.

“You and Ashley stayed up at night discussing my sexuality?” Nick questioned.

Tyler scoffed, “Uh, yeah.” He chortled as if it were the most obvious thing. He unscrewed his Gatorade bottle and took another sip. Nick rolled his eyes and looked at the ground.

“Wow must be some sex life,” he commented. Tyler glared at him.

“Hey,”

“I mean, nothing like talking about a gay guy to get you in the mood.” Nick continued. Tyler was getting irritated.

“Now you listen here-

“But hey, who am I to question your freaky moods?” Nick chuckled. Tyler glared at him and tapped his foot impatiently.

“Are you finished?” He didn’t give him time to answer. “Good, now as I was saying, I paid Ashley to call and question you.” Tyler said.

“We never talked,” Nick, pointed out. Tyler looked shocked.

“Really,” he said and looked down at the ground. “That chick owes me fifteen bucks.” He mumbled. Nick looked at him questioningly.

“What?”

Tyler shook his head. “Oh, nothing. I hope things go well for you and, uh, who is it?” Tyler asked.

Nick sighed, “Danny.”

Tyler shrugged it off. “Oh, and I hope that the ‘baby momma’ doesn’t freak on you when she finds out. Oops, I mean, ‘Wannabe Baby Momma’.” He corrected.

“Right, thanks man.” Nick sighed when he remembered his wife Lisa.

“Oh, and remember dinner’s tonight at eight.” Tyler reminded. Nick nodded, leaned down to pick up the basketball, and stood up.

“Anyways, I gotta’ be getting back to the wifey. Lunch is on her today. I got this coupon for this place that says you could get a meal for free with any fifteen dollar purchase.” Tyler said. The worst part was that he was completely serious. He quickly waved and jogged away to his car.

Nick looked after him in complete shock. Deciding that he would have to get used to his friend’s weirdness, he chuckled, tossed the ball from his left and to his right hand, and then held it in both. He turned towards the goal and took one last shot. It made it.

“It’s good!”

Nick turned towards the voice quickly and saw Tyler sticking his head and his hands out the window of his car, giving him two thumbs up. Nick chuckled as Tyler stuck his body back in the car and drove off, his laugh echoing across the court. Then there was something Nick realized… He’s gay.

***back at home.***

Lisa sat at the kitchen table sorting through the mail. “Bills, bills, bills.” She said tossing the sealed envelopes a side. She came across one addressed to her. “Oh my god” taking a deep breath she tore it opened and read the letter. A huge smile came across her face and tears of joy filled her eyes. She read the letter from her doctor’s office three times and was about to read it again when the sound of Nick’s voice startled her.

“Lisa hey, anything interesting in the mail?” He asked sitting the bags on the table. He started taking out the contents of the bags, the eggs, milk, cheese and other stuff.

“No baby, just bills and things addressed to “resident.” She stood up and placed the letter in the junk drawer under piles of other stuff to hide it until she could move it to a safe place, until she could share the good news.

She walked over to Nick and started helping him put away the groceries. Nick thought long and hard about his life with Lisa and although he didn’t have all the answers one thing he knew for sure was he loved her, not the way she wanted, but he did love her and wanted what’s best for her and he was not it. He just needed time, the right time to break it to her.

“Nick,” Lisa put down the celery and took Nick’s hand. “I’m sorry about last night. I should have told you I had stopped taking the pills.”

Nick sighed pressed his lips together and looked into Lisa’s beautiful green eyes, “Yes Lisa, you should have, what you did is wrong.” He took her hand in his. “Lisa I love you baby but we can’t have a baby you understand that.” He asked, sounding hopeful.

“Nick, children are blessing from God. Our baby will be loved by my parents, your parents…We could turn your screening room into a baby room, we would not even have to move right away, we hav-…”

“Whoa, whoa, slow down Lisa.” Nick placed his finger over mouth. “Didn’t you hear me, I said no kids.”

“I know, I know.” Lisa tore the lid off the cottage cheese, grabbed a spoon from the silverware drawer, and took a big scoop.
Nick shook his head with displeasure, scratched his head, and continued putting the food away.

“Hey, I ran into Ash at the gym, she reminded me our book club is meeting at her house tonight.” She took another spoon of cottage cheese.

“Um, don’t you want something to mix with that, here.” Nick held up a carton of blueberries. “Because that’s just disgusting.”

“No this is fine, thanks.”

Nick shook his head in disbelief. “Yeah, Tyler mentioned it at the courts today. Want to take a bottle of wine for your friends?”

“No, no wine this time, maybe some juice will be nice.”

“Juice,” this surprised Nick because Lisa loved her wine. “Whatever, Tyler and I will be drinking beer on the porch as usual.” Nick laughed.

“Ok baby, as long as you come with me…Hey, we are starting a new book, and we have a couple of new guys joining our club.”

“Oh really?” That’s cool the more the merrier right?” Nick said putting the cereal in the pantry.

“Right, and Marshall that’s his name is Gay, I think he is bringing his boyfriend, I’m not sure of his name, but Marshall is really cool and cute too.”

“Cool, huh? So you think gay guys are cool?”

“Hell yes baby and hot too.” She winked as she cleaned off the spoon and place it in the dishwasher.

“That might change.” Nick thought and sighed.

She walked over to Nick and placed her arms around his waist. She rested her head on his strong chest and took in a deep breath smelling the musky sent of sweat and soap, “Mmmm.” She moaned as Nick’s masculine scent ignited the desires within her, he had not showered since he and Tyler played one on one. Nick hugged her back and kissed her on top of the head.

“Lisa, I’m funky I need to shower” he smelled under his arms and grimenced as he unwrapped hers from his waist.

“You smell sexy to me, baby.” Lisa stood on her tiptoes and starting kissing him on the nape of his neck and shoulder. Nick nudged her slightly using the excuse that he had to pee, and kissed her again. She released her hold on him freeing him to go to the restroom.

“Hey, you want to meet in the bedroom sexy?”

“Um…I have some editing to do for Monday’s show and we said we were working in the yard tomorrow so today will be my only chance to work on it.”

“Oh, ok.” She said sounding disappointed. “Do you mind if I come in there and read, I’ll be quiet I promise.” Lisa said placing her finger up to her mouth. “Shhh, see quiet as a church mouse.” She giggled.

Nick laughed at how silly Lisa could be, “Sure come on.”

“I just want to be close to you baby.” She said following him upstairs…