Words - 1. Chapter 1

Ever since I could remember, words were all I had, all I really wanted. It started when I was a kid as my mother read me bed time stories. Her words filled me with wonder and awe as I distinctly saw Peter Pan flying through the sky. Since then, words became my friends. I treasured them and kept them in mind. Before long, I was making up stories of my own and I was sure no child ever had as much fun as I did.

That seemed ages ago but I am still filled with so much happiness as I recall those days. When I started school, it was no surprise that I liked English out of all the subjects. It just came naturally to me. I would always get so excited whenever the teacher would ask us to write an essay for an assignment. I filled mine with so much words and descriptions. The teachers appreciated them and most of my classmates. But I really did not mind if no one appreciated my work. Writing any form of literature was a reward in itself for me.

Now in my senior high school, I am so pleased to be the school paper’s literary editor. The editor-in-chief was offered to me but I politely turned it down, editorial and news writing were not my favorites.

People have always been surprised to learn that I was not part of any sports team. I was told that I had a swimmer’s built and my height (5’10”) was good enough to be on the basketball team. Though I love books and not afraid to let anyone know about it, I do not look geeky or nerdy at all. In fact, I once heard girls talking about me and noted that they termed me as “cute.” I had longish wavy black hair and am rather proud of my lavish green eyes. The bonus is that I always wear a smile on my face.

I was thinking of a piece to write for the school paper which was due in a week and I was on my way to the stands of the football field. I find this place peaceful and quiet which was perfect for concentration. Of course, the chatter of the occasional people and the cheerleaders and football team’s practice were not exactly quiet. But somehow, I could always tune all of these noises out. I was lost in the world of words and that was perfectly fine with me.

I was lost in thought when suddenly my left shoulder was hit by something. Next thing I knew was a throbbing pain on my left shoulder and a football lying next to me. I took the ball and looked around, ready to pound the guy who threw the ball at me for making me lose my concentration and for the pain that he caused me. A guy garbed in our school’s football team uniform was on his way towards me. I steeled myself. I was not prone to violence but I can take care of myself. The guy stopped a few feet away from me and took off his helmet. I was ready to throw the ball as far away as possible in way of revenge but I suddenly became motionless. Of course this was not the first time I saw Mark, we had been classmates on and off since grade school. But it was the first time that I saw him up close. Concern was all over his face and he kept on apologizing.

“No problem.” I said as I handed the football to him.

Mark stayed long enough just to reassure himself that I was fine and that I don’t need assistance to go to the nurse’s office. All I could think about was how much I wanted him to go away.

When Mark was finally gone, I scanned the field and I immediately spotted him. Mark is the school’s star quarterback. I never noticed how tall he was (exactly 6 feet). I also suddenly noticed how confident he carries himself and how graceful he is as he jumped and ran around the field. When I finally snapped out of my fantasy, a whole half hour already passed. To my horror, I spent the whole time looking at none other than Mark.

I was inspired and words filled me. I quickly took out pen and paper and started writing.

My heart was swimming
In words gathered by the wind.
My voice bounded
Into a cloud-carried tomorrow.

My heart trembled
In the moon-swayed mirror.
Soft tears
Spilled with a stream of stars.

Isn’t it wonderful
If we could walk hand in hand?
I’d want to go
To your town, your home, in your arms.

I dream of being
Against your chest.
My body in your keeping
Disappearing into the evening.

Words halted by the wind are
A gentle illusion.
A tomorrow torn by clouds is
The voice of a distant place.

My heart that had been
In a moon-blurred mirror that flowed.
Those stars that trembled and spilled
Cannot hide my tears.

Isn’t it wonderful
If we could walk, hand in hand?
I’d want to go
To your town, your home, in your arms.

My dream of your face
That I softly touch
Melts in the morning.

I stopped writing and began to read. It always surprises me how honest words can be. I did not realize how much I wanted to hold hands with Mark until I read what I just wrote. Doubt and fear crept into my mind, filling my whole existence. I never had a crush with anyone before. I knew that being gay is perfectly normal from books that I’ve read. But the words that came to my mind now were in a form of a question: How can I be gay?

I quickly gathered my things and started to leave the stands. I was so confused. I went home in a daze, my Mom was actually startled when she saw me. I mumbled a greeting to her and went straight to my room. On top of all things, I felt betrayed. Words, which I considered my friends, kept on shouting truths inside my head. Truths which I did not want to hear. I started to cry.

Then I heard a knock on the door. Mom did not wait for me to answer. She opened the door and got in, that’s how she found me wiping tears off of my face.

“What’s the matter, Dean?” Mom asked.

I never could tell a lie to my Mom so I told her the truth. She listened attentively as I told her what just happened. She did not say a word until I was finished.

“Mom, I think I’m gay.” I blurted out. I was expecting her to get mad and started yelling but she remained calm and composed.

She hugged me and patted my head.

“I love you, Dean.” She said.

Tears flowed more easily now. I was still confused but it was as if a great weight was lifted off of me. I felt how much Mom loved me, she accepted me just like that even though it was hard for me to accept myself.

“So what are you going to do?” Mom asked.

I faked a smile for her which she did not buy. She told me to accept my feelings and be true to myself. I immediately changed the subject.

“Mom, can you keep this between the two of us for now? I’ll tell Dad when I’m ready.”

Mom gave me a wink. She is really the coolest mom in the world.

With doubt in my head and fear in my heart, I walked slowly through the front door of the school as if I was walking to my doom. My first period is English and I felt a little brave. But then I remembered that Mark was on that class too. For the first time in my entire life, I wanted to skip English. But then I remembered Mom and I walked with a little less doom towards the English classroom.

Mark was already there with his friends. I kept my head low and avoided eye contact as I made my way to my chair. I sat down and pretended that I did not exist. I was busy with hypnotizing myself with words that “I do not exist,” saying it to myself over and over when I felt someone close by. I looked up and was met by Mark’s slightly amused face.

“Are you okay?” He asked.

A full minute passed before I finally answered. “Yeah, was just thinking of what to write for our English project due at the end of this week.” I lied. The truth was that I already finished the project.

“Hmm,” he mused. “You never seem to have any problem with English before. In fact, I think that you’re the best among all of us. If worst comes to worst, though, you could always submit this.” He handed me a notepad, my notepad.

“I’m sorry but I read that. I always noticed that you stayed in the stands to do your stuff. So after football practice, I went to find you because I really want to make it up to you for hurting you but you were nowhere to be seen. That’s when I saw that. That’s beautiful, by the way.” He said. “So who’s the lucky girl?”

He thinks it’s for a girl? I quickly scanned the words written in the notepad. There was no indication of gender and the words fit perfectly to both sexes. I blushed right then and there.

“So that’s why you’re a bit disorganized. You’re in love, man.” He said teasingly.

I did not say anything. I was lost once again in words. I thought Mark already left but...

“So about making it up to you, how about I treat you to a movie or something?”

“A-are you s-serious?” I stammered.

“Sure, why not?” And upon seeing the look on my face, “Hey, guys go out together too, you know?” He said a little bit embarrassed.

I was saved by the bell. Mark awkwardly went to his chair and I was left alone. I sighed, very much relieved. Words were around me and inside me. I could hear the teacher giving the lecture but I heard without any comprehension. I also hear the whisperings of my classmates. Inside me, words were painting a picture. I could distinctly see Mark inside my head. His tall frame and lean body. The way his dress fits his body perfectly, accentuating his broad shoulders, defined chest and stomach, and strong arms and legs. I could see his short spiky blonde hair, his light gray eyes and his playful dimpled smile. I spent the rest of the morning in a daydream. Mark was all I could think about.

I spend lunch with writers like me. I do not consider them as friends, merely as colleagues. I was halfway through my lunch, not really noticing what I was eating when Mark suddenly spoke.

“So how about tonight?” A melodious deep voice suddenly said. Of course I knew to whom that voice belongs to.

All eyes on the table were on me and on the person behind me. I did not dare to look behind me. They kept on staring so I knew that he was still there.

“Okay.” I said. I was set on ignoring the person behind me or at least pretend that I did not hear but the stares were beginning to annoy me.

I relaxed when I finally felt the person move away. At the corner of my eyes, I spotted him and he gave me a wink.

Everyone in the table was looking questioningly at me.

“He needs help with his English project.” I said as an excuse. As this seemed completely logical, they lost interest and I was left alone.

I kept a level head the rest of the afternoon. I wasn’t really planning on going to the movies with Mark. He doesn’t know where I live and he didn’t even set the time. I was actually feeling a little better as the final bell of the day rang. Only a few steps separated me from freedom when I felt a tap on my back.

I turned around and wished I hadn’t. Mark was mischievously smiling at me.

“I know picking you up at your house would freak you out so how about we just meet in the theatre at around 7?”

With a nod, he was gone. I got the feeling that if I didn’t show up, I would surely find him an hour after the appointed time knocking at my front door. How he ever fount out where I lived, I never could figure out. But then I remembered that we used to ride the same bus in grade school.

I told Mom everything that happened when I got home. Instead of sharing my feeling of dread, however, she seems happy with the idea. I had to lie to my Dad that I was meeting someone for a school project. Thankfully, Mom backed up my story so Dad did not get suspicious although I was a lousy liar.

5 minutes before 7, I was at the ticket booth of the theatre. I did not wait long as Mark arrived a couple of minutes later. He was actually relieved to see me.

“Sorry for pressuring you into this, but I really just want to make it up to you. Also, you seem a little bit down so may be this might cure you.” Mark said.

We bought tickets for a movie featuring machines that turns into giant robots. I actually enjoyed the movie. Mark was obviously into the movie as well. Everything went out fine actually. When the movie ended, we walked out of the theatre. Then both of us started talking at once. We commented on things we like and didn’t like. We were happily chatting like friends do actually.

“So I guess this is where we part?” Mark finally said.

I was surprised and a bit disappointed. Now that we were hanging out like friends, I was hoping to spend more time with him. I already pictured myself sitting on the passenger seat of his car. He was standing there, his face expressionless, waiting for me to answer.

“Yeah, sure. Thanks Mark. I really enjoyed the movie.” I said smiling.

He smiled, waved goodbye then we parted ways. I started walking to nowhere in particular. I hardly noticed the people around me. I was feeling foolish for dreaming that may be Mark felt the same way about me. But I was also feeling a little relieved. I wasn’t ready to come out to anyone, especially not to Mark. The star quarterback had a reputation of being a playboy. He is my dream, my fantasy and I intend to keep it that way.

But dreams sometimes do come true. I heard my name being called but at first ignored it. It was only after the incessant blowing of a car’s horn that I finally took notice. It came from a black sedan and on the driver’s seat was a smiling Mark. He beckoned me to him. I approached, a little involuntarily.

“Hi?” I said mildly confused.

“Hop on.” Was his reply.

I got on the car. Although I was so nervous, I was still impressed at the insides of the car. It was properly maintained. I suddenly envied Mark and wished that I had allowed him to take me to the theatre earlier. Riding in his car is definitely far better than the bus.

I was still busy examining the car when I felt Mark’s gaze on me. I fervently wished that he would not notice me blushing. I quickly looked at myself on the side mirrors and made a face. The blush was unmistakable.

I did not try to make conversation and Mark was quiet the whole time too although I still felt him looking at me from time to time. He finally stopped at the front of my house.

“Thanks, sure beats a bus ride home.” I said.

I opened the door and I was half way out of the car when Mark suddenly yanked me back inside. I turned my face towards him which was a big mistake. As soon as I did, my lips were against Mark’s lips. My first ever kiss and with the handsomest guy in school nonetheless.

It was brief but sweet. I was looking open mouthed at Mark. Mark, on the other hand, was looking straight ahead at the road. He seemed as shocked as I am but then I saw a brief smile cross his face. It was very quick but it confirmed that he enjoyed the kiss too. I finally got out of the car and closed the door without looking back. I heard the car moved almost as soon as I took the first step towards the front door of my house.

I was still in a reverie when I opened the door. The scene that met me was my Mom holding back my livid Dad. Surely he did not saw me kissing Mark?

But he did. He heard the car pulled to a stop in front of our house. Dad immediately looked through a window that has a view of the driveway. He was about to turn away but then he saw me being yanked and then to his horror, I was kissing another guy.

I was speechless. Dad finally got out of Mom’s restraining hands and as if in slow motion, I saw Dad raise his right hand and then it slowly went down hard at my face. The force of it made me stagger until I was sitting down on the floor. My eyes were wide with shock and my left hand involuntarily went to my left cheek where Dad’s right hand made contact. It was numb but only for a few seconds. Soon my left cheek was stinging as if on fire.

I looked up and Dad was looking unbelieving at his right hand. His whole body began to tremble. I got up and aimed for my bedroom. I could hear Mom sobbing in the background. When I got to my room, I did not bother to turn on the lights. I laid on the bed facedown, covered my head with a pillow and started to cry.

I was still sobbing when I heard the door opening. I did not move and pretended to be asleep. After a few minutes, I felt the blanket being pulled over my body then heard the door closing.

As if on cue, my eyes closed and I fell asleep for real.

The next day, I got up early as usual. I almost forgot the episode that happened last night until I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror. My left cheek was black and blue. I tentatively touched it and it hurt so badly. I splashed water on my face and applied soap. I was washing my face giving particular attention to my left cheek never minding how badly it hurts. I was hoping that the bruise would come out. But after washing the soap suds off with water, nothing was changed.

I dreaded going to school looking like I had a brawl last night. But in perspective, it would be better than staying home and talking to my Mom about what happened. I’m not ready yet to talk to her.

I quickly got ready for school. I quietly opened my door and walked silently looking around for my Mom. She was nowhere in sight, probably in the kitchen waiting for me. I opened the front door and then ran, slamming the door behind me.

I was just in time for the bus. As soon as I got in, people were staring and pointing at me. I did not react and sat on an empty seat all by myself. In fact, I remained alone in the seat the whole of the bus ride. People naturally avoided me but they continued to stare and point.

The same thing happened in school. People still stared and pointed but no one dared to approach me and ask what happened. I was thankful that they left me alone but wished that they would limit the stare and pointing. The teachers noticed my bruise when they checked the attendance but said nothing. Weirdly enough, I haven’t seen Mark the whole of the morning.

I decided to skip lunch and went to the stands of the football field. I was so relieved to find the place deserted. I was sitting alone, immensely enjoying not being stared or pointed at when out of the corner of my eye, I saw a person approaching. I turned my back towards the person but a distinct cologne wafted around as the person was standing behind me.

I was being offered a sandwich and an orange drink from behind. I suddenly felt so hungry which was to be expected as I had already skipped breakfast. I took the sandwich and began eating. Mark then came into view sitting beside me. He took the lid off the orange juice and laid it in between us.

“What happened?” He asked.

I did not respond immediately. I took one more bite off the sandwich and drank a few gulps of the juice. Then I began voicing words, weaving the tale of what happened last night.

When I finished, Mark was quiet but frowning deeply. Then he looked at me and our eyes met. He then gently brushed my left cheek with the back of his left hand. There was so much concern in his eyes that I began fighting off tears. Thankfully I was able to hold them off.

“I’m sorry, it’s all my fault. I.. just couldn’t control myself.” Mark said, his voice breaking.

I considered for awhile and somehow I did not regret the kiss.

“No, don’t blame yourself. I was glad you did.” I said. I tried to smile but my left face started hurting so I stopped.

Mark took my hands and held it close to his. We never said anything, I just continued consuming the sandwich while Mark was looking out to the horizon lost in his own thoughts. What I noted was that he still held my hand firmly. When I finished the sandwich and the juice, Mark looked at me and smiled.

“My parents will be out late tonight. You want to hang out or something?” He asked looking at me expectantly.

He looked so handsome and I just heard myself say yes.

We got up. He still had my hand. I was very afraid that he intends to walk with me hand in hand so I awkwardly disengaged my hand with his. I noted, with pleasure, that he placed his hand that was holding mine close to his heart. It was only for a moment but I felt like I was walking on clouds.

The rest of the day was more bearable, probably because I had something to look forward to. Whenever I see Mark, he would give me a quick wink which always made my heart beat in overdrive. When class ended, I walk slowly towards the school parking lot mainly because I didn’t want anyone to see me with Mark. When I arrived, the place was deserted except for a lone black sedan. I quickly got in. Mark took my hand and gave it a kiss. I was, of course, blushing again.

As soon as we were inside his home, I was nervous. Mark offered me some refreshments which I declined. He got himself a root beer. We went directly to his room. It was a bit of a shock for me that a jock could be so neat. Of course this is the first time I’ve been to a jock’s room. His room was clean and tidy, far better than my room. I looked all around me and his room was completely normal. Posters of his favorite football team adorned the wall. He has a small library in which I noted hints that the books were actually read not just displays. His bed was properly made (I was stricken by guilt when I realize that I seldom make my bed). His study table was worn from use. Trophies and medals were in a corner (he won a bronze medal for a math quiz bee, I’m impressed).

So there was more to this guy than being a jock. Now that I think about it, I’ve never heard him failing. In fact, he does well in school.

“So what’s the verdict?” He finally asked.

“You’re a closet nerd!” I exclaimed.

He moved closer to me and just like last night, our lips met. We kissed with passion and longing. His satiny lips felt so good against mine. Somehow, I got the feeling that being a nerd wasn’t the only thing that was hiding in his closet.

We were both smiling when we stopped. I couldn’t control myself so I hugged him. Instead of pushing me away, he wrapped his arms around me. He laid me in bed and began examining my face. Then very gently, he planted a kiss on my left cheek.

“You are beautiful. I had a crush on you for the longest time.” He confessed.

“What?” I asked as I started to get up but he gently pushed me back.

“Can you not ruin this moment for me?” He begged.

“You’re toying with me, Mr. Playboy Star Quarterback!” I accused.

As if wanting to prove to me that he is not a playboy, he kissed me again. This time, his tongue started pushing its way inside my mouth. My mouth opened of its own accord and our tongues met. He tasted so sweet. Soon our tongues were wrestling.

He ended the kiss but like a man possessed, he began undressing me, almost tearing my underwear apart as he yanked it off of me. I observed him as he scanned my body all over. I wanted to reach out to him as I saw the longing in his eyes. He moved on top of me and began kissing my neck. He moved further down and he sucked on each of my nipple. I almost cried out in pleasure. Then his tongue was tracing circles all over my belly. Almost at once, he stopped. It was then that I saw him looking at my hard 7” cock.

Words failed me as he wrapped his luscious lips around my engorged cock. I can find no words to describe how absolutely thrilling and good it feels. He began moving his head up and down my cock. My hips involuntarily moved, thrusting in and out. Mark’s left hand firmly held me in place as I felt him began to choke on my cock. I was moaning and calling out his name and still he moved his head up and down my cock never missing a beat. Then I bit my lower lip and threw back my head as I felt myself cumming and Mark was drinking all of it.

When the orgasm stopped, I was breathing heavily. Mark still has his lips wrapped around my cock drinking my cum dry. When he finally let go, his chin was covered with some of my cum which he wiped with the back of his right hand. Then he laid his body beside me.

I felt so alive. I began kissing him again, getting a taste of some of my own cum as I did. I was still so horny and I knew that he felt the same. I helped him take off his shirt. I undid his pants and he took it off. He looked so sexy wearing a white brief. When he took that off too, my eyes widened. His 8” thick cock was wet with precum. He flatly laid his body on top of mine, crushing our cocks together in the process. Then he started to grind his body against mine, our cocks rubbing together. I wanted to taste his cock and I indicated to him what I wanted to do. But he looked at me meaningfully. He obviously wanted something else.

He kissed me again and then my neck. Then I felt him spreading my legs apart. I felt the tip of his cock brush against my hole. I began to panic. There was no way I could take him inside me. He began to whisper in my ear, telling me to relax. He reached for something above me. Then I felt cold gel being spread around my hole.

The next thing I felt was Mark’s fingertip trying to penetrate me. I tried desperately to relax. When his finger finally slid in, he pushed it all the way in then started drilling it in and out. I began to moan with pleasure. When he pushed in another finger, I began to felt some pain mixed in with pleasure. A third finger made me whimper.

I wanted to make him stop but Mark kept on reassuring me that it will get better. After awhile it did. When he finally took out all of his fingers, I knew what was coming. I closed my eyes. He started pushing his cock inside and I shouted in pain as the head finally pushed in. I could feel involuntary tears rolling down my eyes. Mark held me close against him as he very gently pushed the rest of his cock in. When he was finally in, I actually felt nothing, just numbness. Mark kept still, as if waiting for something. After may be five minutes, he started to pull out. I was convinced that he had decided that I was no fun at all but just before his cock was finally out, he pushed it gently in again. It hurts so much the first few minutes. But true to what Mark said, it felt less and less hurtful until it finally felt so good. We were both breathing hard. I moaned whenever he pushed his cock deeply inside me. His face was expressionless but I noted that his irises were dilating.

Mark began pushing harder and harder and I knew that he was close. His lips found mine and we were locked in a kiss. He pushed his cock all the way inside me and I felt warm liquid spreading all over my ass. When our kiss ended, Mark was breathing very fast and sweat glistened all over his body. I placed my right hand against his muscular chest and felt his heart beating rapidly. I wrapped my arms around him and held him close to me, his head on my chest.

We must have dozed off for awhile because the next thing I remember was warm liquid trailing down on my ass. Mark’s soft cock must have plopped out while we were dozing. I gently tapped Mark and he awoke with a start. He quickly looked at the clock and told me to dress up quickly. Five minutes later, we were both fully dressed. Mark seemed agitated so I moved closer and planted a kiss on his cheek. This seemed to cheer him up a bit.

“Sorry, Dean. My parents will be home in about 30 minutes.”

I looked at the clock myself and was surprised to see that it was 30 minutes before 9. We quickly went to the car and he drove me home. He took my hand once again and very discreetly kissed it. I smiled at him and bade him goodbye.

When I was finally at the front door, the scene last night flashed back before my eyes. I dreaded opening the door for fear of a repeat of last night. After a minute of indecision, I opened the door. Dad was sitting in the sofa watching TV, Mom was nowhere to be seen. He acted as if he did not notice that I exist. I knew that he was looking at the window again and decided that he must have seen Mark kissing my hand. Without saying anything, I went to my room. Mom was there.

I could tell Mom was crying. She hugged me and began sobbing. I patted her back, not really sure what to say. I steered her towards the bed and made her sit down. She was wiping tears off her eyes and cheeks when she noticed the bruise on my face. She began crying again.

When her tears finally subsided, she began whispering that I should just let my Dad be for awhile. She reassured me that he will be fine after awhile. She also made an excuse for him that he did not mean to hurt me. I did not say anything.

Mom then asked me why I was late. Since I cannot lie to her, I told her the truth. I did not tell her about the sex part but I am sure that she figured it out for herself. She hugged me again. She was looking at me with so much concern in her eyes.

“Just don’t let yourself be hurt.” She finally said.

After that, school was a blast. Mark was a constant presence around me but not so much so as to raise suspicion. We would go to secluded places, the men’s room or an empty classroom to kiss and make out. Mark is careful and we never got caught. The only place that people actually see us together was in the cafeteria during lunch time. We acted cool in order not to arouse suspicion. We chatted and joked around, just like normal friends do. Before long, people just kept us alone.

The situation at home, though, is completely the opposite. Dad was still not speaking to me. When I noticed that my bruise was completely gone and healed, I suddenly realized that I had no ill feelings anymore with my Dad. I wanted to talk to him and confess everything to him but a slight fear of him prevented me from saying anything. It was only Mom’s support that kept me from hoping that things will be mended between me and my Dad.

It has been a month since I first made love with Mark. That was not the first, of course, as Mark would always invite me over to his place whenever his parents were out late. Making love with Mark was an absolute bliss. Mark was so gentle and passionate. He made sure not only to satisfy his own pleasure but mine as well. This always ended with both of us being highly satisfied.

I was looking for him that day, wanting to wish him the best in his football match later today. I was looking all over school when I suddenly heard his melodious deep voice. He was talking with his friends. I was about to approach him but stopped myself just in time.

“Yeah that guy’s a faggot, for sure.” Mark said heatedly.

“He certainly wants you, man. I mean, can you see the way he looked at you?” One of his buddies added.

“I know, it’s disgusting!” Mark spat.

Mark had his back at me so he did not know that I was there. I quickly made my exit before anyone notices me. I felt as I did when my Dad slapped me hard in the face, only worst. So Mark was playing with me all along. I was so sure that my “attraction” to him was so obvious that day in the stands of the football field so very long ago. He probably decided that he could have his way with me and I fell for it. I felt so used and dirty. What do I really expect from a horny teenager?

I avoided Mark the whole day. Whenever I saw him, I would go the other way. I skipped lunch and went to the library, the football field stands were obviously not a very good hiding place. I was so busy looking all over for him so as to avoid him when I suddenly bumped into someone. Unfortunately for me, it was Mark.

“If I didn’t know better, I would say you’re trying to avoid me.” Mark said, smiling mischievously.

I kept the anger from showing in my eyes. Instead I made some excuse of being so busy. Looking around, Mark took my hand and dragged me to an empty classroom. He was about to kiss me but I pushed him back. He was clearly not expecting my action because he staggered back, crashing against a couple of chairs.

“What the hell is the matter with you, Dean?” He said angrily.

I then told him that I heard him talking to his friends. He must have recalled because his eyes suddenly opened wide, looking at me with fear in his eyes. That was enough proof for me to decide that I was indeed the subject of their conversation. He started towards me but I aimed a few punches at him, one landing with force in his stomach. He doubled back with pain. Feeling a bit satisfied of inflicting a little pain back to the person who broke my heart, I went out of the room.

Revenge was not sweet, it tasted so bitter. Though I knew that Mark deserved it, I still felt badly about hurting him. I recalled seeing him doubling back with pain and I suddenly felt cold. I knew he broke my heart but there was only one logical reason why that happened and that is because I love him. If I don’t then I wouldn’t feel as badly as I did.

When I finally got home, I locked myself in my room. I heard knocking on the door but I just told the person to go away. I cried . So this is how a broken heart feels. I always wondered how it felt. The way it was described in lines and passages in books, I knew that it hurt but I had no idea that it hurt as much as this.

No one bothered me again that night, to which I was so grateful. I was left alone and I used words to express how I felt. I got a pen and paper and started writing down how I truly felt about Mark. Aside from the expected “I hate you” and some chosen curse words, there were a whole lot “I love you” written all over. I sighed, I really could not escape the honest nature of words.

After a month of happiness in school, it became boring and uninteresting. Of course I could not escape Mark. We met in classrooms and hallways. Whenever our eyes met, it was usually me who looks away. After awhile, he just simply avoids me as much as he can which was perfectly fine with me. But sometimes, I can’t help the gnawing feeling of his gaze on me.

The day after we had our fight, I found out that Mark’s team lost their match of the previous day. Most of the student body blamed the lousy quarterback. I felt guilty because I knew that I was partly to blame. After awhile though, people changed their opinion as Mark’s team won match after match. They made it into the semi-finals then brought pride to the school by winning the state finals.

Life at school began going back to the way it was before my involvement with Mark. There was a murmur of confusion for about a week when Mark and I did not go for our usual seat in the cafeteria but that too soon died down because people just lost interest. Graduation was fast approaching and people were excited about the prom. I wasn’t really that interested.

Life at home probably would not go back to normal, ever. Dad still ignored me. Mom was torn between his love for Dad and me. I certainly can feel the tension in the house. I was quite glad that I will soon be going away for college. The distance would probably do some good on my relationship with Dad.

The day of the prom, I opened my locker and a note fell out. I quickly grabbed the note and read. All that was written was “Meet me at Prom.” My heart skipped a beat. There was no mistaking the handwriting. After being with Mark for a month, I knew almost everything to know about him or so I thought.

I explored my feelings and knew the answer to the question of going to the prom or not almost immediately. There were a lot of things I want to tell Mark and this is probably my last chance.

That night, Mom was kept on telling me how handsome I looked in a suit. I was of course very nervous. Mom kept on reminding me to smile. I did not bother with a date, mainly because everyone else was taken but partly because I really didn’t want to be with anybody. There’s only one person I really want to be with.

The party was already well on its way when I arrived. Mom made me take Dad’s car saying that Dad insisted on it. Personally, I doubt it but did not say anything. I was just really glad that I didn’t have to take the bus to the prom.

I scanned the room and had no trouble spotting Mark. He was, of course, the handsomest guy in the room. I went to an empty table and sat. Mark spotted me and our eyes met. This time I did not look away. At the moment, he was dancing with a pretty girl which made me so jealous.

I watched him dance with girl after another girl. He kept his gaze on me though. I wanted so bad to yank him off of his present dance partner, the prettiest so far (the head cheerleader, of course). As his gaze continues to linger on me, words began organizing themselves in my mind. I immediately took out a pen and wrote on a tissue paper.

Whenever said my words
On the stage, on my own
Whenever said my words
Wishing they would be heard
I saw you smiling at me
Was it real, or just my fantasy?
You’d always be there in the corner
Of this tiny little bar

My last night here for you
Same old words, just once more
My last night here with you?
Maybe yes, maybe no
I kind of liked it your way
How you shyly placed your eyes on me
Did you ever know
That I had mine on you?

So let me come to you
Close as I want to be
Close enough for me
To feel your heart beating fast
And stay there as I whisper
How I love your peaceful eyes on me
Did you ever know
That I had mine on you?

When I finally looked up, Mark was busily kissing the head cheerleader. I should have known that this is what he really intended for me to witness. I felt my heart breaking for the second time. I quickly made my exit.

How I managed to drive home, I could not figure out. When I finally parked the car in the garage, tears came abruptly. I was still crying quietly when I saw Dad’s figure illuminated by the still open headlight. I quickly wiped the tears off my face, suddenly afraid. I turned the lights and the car’s engine off then stepped out of the car.

I was cowering with fear, afraid of being slapped again. Dad was fast approaching. When he was close enough, there was concern in his face, not anger. He took one good look at me then hugged me tightly. I started crying again.

Dad patted my back and began telling me how sorry he was for hurting me. He observed how miserable I was these past few months and he blamed himself. He then told me that I am free to love whomever I decide to love.

I then told Dad about Mark. I chose my words carefully, not saying anything which I thought was “gay.” But I did manage to give Dad an idea that I am in love with Mark and that I had my heart broken.

Dad half carried me to my room. He tucked me in my bed. I asked him whether it was him who put the blanket on me and knocked on my door so many months. He did not say anything but his watery eyes was enough confirmation. He got up, turned down the lights and gently closed the door.

I avoided Mark the next day and the rest of that week. It was enough that he broke my heart twice. Letting him do that for the third time was suicide.

As if everything was on fast forward, it was graduation day. I graduated with honors, getting distinction in English. My parents were so proud of me. I was made to read out an essay that I wrote, which I did gladly. I used words as my shield, protecting myself. In this particular essay, I talked about the bright future that was ahead of us, though deep inside me, all I could see was how dark and lonely it was to be alone.

Mark got himself a sports scholarship in some prestigious university. I must admit that he looked absolutely stunning up in stage, the confident air about him shining through. He was made to do a little speech which he did spectacularly, imparting in everyone (including myself) the school spirit. As he was nearing the end of his speech, he apologized to everyone but begged for them to allow him to read a little poem. To my surprise, he took out a tissue paper from his pocket and began reading the poem I wrote in prom. When he finished, everyone was silent and he just simply went down from the stage and went to his seat.

My heart was doing cartwheels but I ignored it. I did steal a quick glance at Mark’s direction but he seemed fine, as if reading a poem in front of the whole school was perfectly normal. When the graduation ended, I was walking directly to my parent’s when I was suddenly yanked back, my lips touching against Mark’s lips. I quickly pushed him away, looking all around me. The whole of seniors were looking at us, the head cheerleader with her mouth wide open. I started to walk away but Mark yanked me back again.

“Look, I’m sorry for making you feel as if you did not matter to me. You don’t know how much I wanted to tell my friends that we’re together but I was afraid of rejection.” He confessed.

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“You overhead me telling my friends that the reason I was hanging out with you was because I needed help with my English project, right?”

I was totally confused, I didn’t know what he was talking about.

“The reason I got mad at you was because you called me a faggot!” I bellowed, not noticing that the people around us were still attentively listening.

This time it was Mark’s turn to be surprised. Then his face suddenly lit up. He leaned so close to me that I could smell his sweet cologne. He told me in a whisper that they were talking about another guy. He even whispered the name to me.

I suddenly felt foolish. I took Mark’s hand and began dragging him away from the crowd. I went towards my parents. My parents witnessed the whole thing. They appear to be slightly embarrassed but otherwise, they were still supportive of me. They hugged and congratulated me on my graduation. Dad even shook hands with Mark which made both Mark and I blush. Then I quickly told my parents that I will not be able to ride with them home but that I will be home soon.

Turning on Mark, I quickly asked him where his car was parked. He pointed the direction and I spotted his black sedan. I dragged him away, the crowd following us. When we were finally in the car, I told him to drive fast as I can see a few schoolmates getting their car ready. Thankfully, the confusion of a bunch of cars backing out at once caused some traffic and Mark and I were able to make a clean get away.

We were both grinning. Mark took my hand and gave it a kiss. I gazed longingly at him, wanting to kiss him so bad.

“What did you do that for?” I asked.

“How else can I prove that I love you?” He answered.

“Well you definitely made your point! Now the whole neighborhood knows! This will haunt us forever.” I said.

“I did what I had to do. The damage is done. All that matters is that we’re back together. We are together again, right?” He asked with a look at me in the rearview mirror.

I nodded and he took my hand again and kissed it.

“Your parents are great!” He said. “Hopefully my parents will accept the news the same way.”

“I hope not.” Was my reply.

I looked at the mirror. The bruise was long gone but I could not bear the thought of seeing Mark’s handsome face with a bruise.

“We will both be in university most of the time so it wouldn’t be that bad.” Mark was saying. “You do realize that I chose the university the same as yours, right?”

I could not believe what I just heard. Frankly, I did not know which university he chose.

“We can get a dorm room together.” He said as he smiled mischievously.

“That’s fine with me. But I want you to make a promise.” I said looking at him seriously.

“Sure.”

“Promise not to confess your love for me in public ever again. At least wait until we finally decide to get married.” I said.

“You have my word.”