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    Bumblebee
  • Bumblebee
  • Author
  • 04/12/2014
  • 274 Words
  • 791 Views
  • 10 Comments
Poetry posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

Bumblebee's Poetry - 1. My Guardian Angel

I think of you in times of need.
Though the sound of your voice is growing quiet,
your actions have imprinted in me.

I think of what you would tell me,
when I’m pushing too hard.
I know what you might have said;
you never had the chance to.

You’re my guardian angel,
My Sleipnir.
A part of you has stayed with me.
You knew how much I would struggle,
Otherwise you would have left.

I fear I’m not to your standard.
I try my hardest,
but that isn’t good enough.
I pale in comparison to you,
You were the greatest of the great.

I’ve tried not to think about you,
but somehow,
you slice your way through.
Cutting down every defence,
every wall,
every block that went up.

I blame myself,
I know it’s not my fault.
Your death has got nothing to do with me.
yet,
somehow,
It has defined me since.

The power you wield,
The control over my life.
Every thought,
Every breath.

I guess that’s what love does.
Sweeps you up in the cyclone,
before spitting me out,
batted and bruised,
worn and stripped bare.
Destroyed of anything recognisable.

How dare you make me feel like this.
These emotions,
it’s disgusting.
You knew.
You shielded me,
I can see through it.

I hate you for this,
you were meant to stay.
I hate myself,
why am I so selfish..
You had a family,
people who loved you more,
that knew you better,
that were with you.

I don’t deserve these emotions,
Your time and love.
How dare I still grieve.

I never got to say goodbye.
I wonder why.

Copyright © 2014 Bumblebee; All Rights Reserved.
  • Like 4
Poetry posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
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Chapter Comments

Bumblebee
On 04/12/2014 02:34 PM, Foopy said:
Awesome poem cookie, and I think he would enjoy it. Its a good tribute to him. I like the idea of him watching over you, because the ones we have loved never truly leave us.
Thanks TJ, I didn't write is as a tribute but more about my feelings towards what happened.. but I guess it could make a good tribute, Thanks for reading and reviewing :)
Celethiel

I don't think you're going to like what i have to say, but note: you insisted on me reviewing it...

so i do with trepidation,

One of the chief things a poem is suppose to do is convey an emotion, which yours does. Quite well, you're a very good wordsmith. the feeling of pain and suffering followed by the fact you can never face the tormentor because they have died (or just gone far far away) is palatable. this is good yes.

However to me a "Good or great poem has to be firstly Consistant in it's form, this goes without the Rhyming because as i recall there are traditional poetry such as perhaps Hakus that do not rhyme (although they might in Japanese... i don't know) however you should keep the same number of lines in each segment... or do so in say a recognizable pattern.....

anyway as it may be, a poem should flow as your reading it or speaking it aloud....yours doesn't...

don't be discouraged however.... a lot of young poets (young not in age but experience) make mistakes like this... I did as well.

btw if you have trouble with finding rhyming words i have link to a rhyming dictionary you can use...(i use it all the time.)

*is sorry if this sounds harsh, i did say i didn't want to Review... and this is why...cuz i am a sour puss who is a stickiler when it comes to poetry... call me the Poetry Nazi :P *

Bumblebee
On 04/12/2014 04:03 PM, Celethiel said:
I don't think you're going to like what i have to say, but note: you insisted on me reviewing it...

so i do with trepidation,

One of the chief things a poem is suppose to do is convey an emotion, which yours does. Quite well, you're a very good wordsmith. the feeling of pain and suffering followed by the fact you can never face the tormentor because they have died (or just gone far far away) is palatable. this is good yes.

However to me a "Good or great poem has to be firstly Consistant in it's form, this goes without the Rhyming because as i recall there are traditional poetry such as perhaps Hakus that do not rhyme (although they might in Japanese... i don't know) however you should keep the same number of lines in each segment... or do so in say a recognizable pattern.....

anyway as it may be, a poem should flow as your reading it or speaking it aloud....yours doesn't...

don't be discouraged however.... a lot of young poets (young not in age but experience) make mistakes like this... I did as well.

btw if you have trouble with finding rhyming words i have link to a rhyming dictionary you can use...(i use it all the time.)

*is sorry if this sounds harsh, i did say i didn't want to Review... and this is why...cuz i am a sour puss who is a stickiler when it comes to poetry... call me the Poetry Nazi :P *

Thanks for reviewing Cele.

I appreciate your feedback but I do have a few comments.

 

I write poetry as something to help me deal with my emotions and what's going on in my life at the time. None of its made up for the sake of writing.

This poem is about a friend of mine who passed away, and I never got to say goodbye to him.

 

I get angry or upset and then I calm down.

When have you ever felt consistently one mood without slight variations? Say being in a happy mood, Yes you may come back to being happy, but there are times during the day that knocks your mood before you become happy again.

 

I think my poem flows if you understand that.

 

None of my poems have much rhyming in them, which is why I write free verse poetry.... I personally hate reading poetry that's main focus is having sentences the same or words that rhyme.

 

I think that if you put over emphasis on the structure then you lose sight of what the poems telling you.

 

Keeping the same number I lines to a segment or in a recognisable patten... I think if you read my other poems then you might understand the way I write a bit better.

 

Poetry is storytelling, if you felt a bit disjointed in reading mine then remember to not write your poems like mine lol

Thanks Cele again for reading and reviewing :)

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