A Thousand Nights with You - 6. Beneath my feet

Day 45

If the world hadn’t ended, I could never imagine strangers would gather around and have dinner like this. It reminds me of how the tribes in Africa would eat together in a community. The village chief would gather everyone around the fire, and they will tell stories and laugh. Even though I don’t understand a single word they said, their faces look the same as what I’m seeing now. Everyone is smiling and connecting with each other, even when only a few hours ago death literally comes banging down our doors. Mom used to say that the human spirit not only endures but reveals itself in adversity. I really wished she is around to see this right now.

Even Mark had let down his guard. He is not the sort who trusts people easily. I guess having your mom walking out without a word probably will screw up any kids. There are quite a few of them in school who are like that, not very friendly kids at all. Even though we’re strangers, Jody risks his life to save us, and we almost got the group killed when the infected came after us. The thought that strangers could do that for us was really comforting.

But despite all that, Mark wouldn’t let them come close to his rifle. At first, I wondered why since it’s really not a practical weapon to use. I have a feeling that he took it more for sentimental reasons. The army rifle probably reminds him of his dad. Maybe to him, it’s like one of those good luck charms to make you brave like your dad. I know that’s how I feel when I brought dad’s books along with me. I might never be able to build a windmill or a generator, but it felt like he’s with me somehow.

Akim asked why the two of us are out there in the open. We told the group about our intentions to find the army base at Lincoln High. They are surprised to hear that there’s an army still fighting the infected. I could see hope lighting up in some of their eyes. But the old man, George, was cynical.

“The army’s probably gone by now.”

“You don’t know that, George. I’m sure they wouldn’t let the virus spread to the other cities.” Francesca said.

George shook his head and looked down the floor. He takes a sip of the beer and sighed, “No army stays in place forever. If they’re not gaining grounds, it means they’re not winning. And if they’re not winning, that means their supplies and ammo will run out eventually.”

“We did hear that the army is hoarding the supplies from the civilians.” Mark said.

Everyone seems surprised that George has an opinion to offer. I guess he normally kept things to himself. They knew very little about him, except that he is veteran from Vietnam and he used to teach.

“There’s an air evacuation, but only for the soldiers.” I told them.

“What?” Francesca said. “How could they do that?”

“We can get out of the city if we can get to the chopper.” Jody stood up and said.

“We don’t know if that’s true.” Mark looked at me but said to the group. I guess that’s my cue to shut up. The whole idea of an air evacuation got everyone excited. And they didn’t seem to care when Mark told them it might just be a ruse. “We overheard it, but the people who said thought it might be a lie as well.”

Suddenly, the group got divided over the whole evacuation saga. Jody raised his voice and the discussion got heated up. Some thought that the air evacuation is a life line; they would die here once the food runs out. Others think that it’s too much to risk for a rumour. But none of them seem to register the fact that I mentioned the army don’t intend to let the civilians come on board.

“I’m sure they’ll have room for some to get on.” Francesca snapped. “Like women and children.”

The dinner started off cordial but ended up sour. Jody and Francesca are keen to take a chance on the army base. Akim, Craig and George think we are better off here. Felicia looked at me and shrugged, looking almost apologetic.

After dinner, everyone did their own things. Mark went around chatting with a few of them. I stayed close to our bags in one corner, sorting out our equipment and looking for useful stuff we can take from the store room. Besides talking and eating, there is not much you can do when the world ends.

Jerking off?

The image of Mark wanking next to me set my off immediately. I try to wipe the picture off my head if I hope to get any sleep tonight. The group sleeps early like we did at the apartment. There is really not much else we can do once the sun goes down. Akim, Jody and Craig were playing cards in the storeroom until the sky turns a dark shade of blue.

We retreated for the night, each taking their corner in the supermarket to sleep. While Mark believed in safety in numbers, the group thought it’s safer to spread out. If the infected broke in during our sleep, they would all swarm and devour the first person they see. As cold as it sounds, that would give the rest a chance to escape and survive.

Francesca and Felicia slept near the air vent, for obvious reasons. Felicia would hide inside there but I’m not sure if Francesca’s hip could fit into to the vent.

George locks himself in the supervisor room. I would’ve wanted to take the room if it hadn’t been occupied. I really need to get myself off to relieve some of the steam. It has been a crazy day. And with a little privacy, Mark might join in as well.

Akim sleeps near the supermarket front entrance, close to the rolling shutters while Craig sleeps near the store room entrance for the loading bay. Someone needs to keep tab on the entrances and both of them volunteered. It’s a gamble because that’s where the infected are most likely to break in. But it’s also the fastest way to get out of here when things go south.

At first, I was afraid that Mark would suggest we spread out as well. After getting used to sleeping with someone, the whole idea of sleeping alone starts to terrify me.

“Where should we bunker ourselves?” He said.

“I know a place.”

I brought Mark to the tall racks where I climbed up to the aerial windows. It was about four metres high, filled with boxes and crates. Although Akim call it the storeroom, it looked more like a mini warehouse. We have to climb up the racks using the forklift next to it as a foothold.

The racks are about two metres wide. We could use the boxes and crates near the edge to conceal us while we sleep. If the infected breaks in, they would not see us immediately. And if things go south, we can escape through the roof via the aerial windows.

He chuckled, “Missed your old room huh?”

It took me a while to get his meaning. The top rack does kind of remind me of my room. Being on high grounds close to the roof makes me feel a lot safer when I sleep. I guess I’m just being paranoid.

“Paranoid is good these days. At least I don’t have to worry about getting chomped off while I sleep.” Mark said while he tries to wipes the rack surface with his finger. And he said, “It’s a little dusty and cold though.”

The air conditioning vent right next to the rack blast cold air right into our faces. Even the boxes and crates didn’t block off much. We can’t turn it off because it’s a central system. The food in the fridge will turn bad if we do. Fortunately, we have a sleeping bag. But unfortunately, we only have one.

“What? You’re not going to share with me?” Mark yelped.

The idea never came across my mind, but when he suggested it my guts tied up in knots. Sleeping in a small bag with him? That felt super awkward, and yet… thrilling. I started to blabber,

“No. I mean yes. I mean- You can have it. It’s kind of tight for two to squeeze in.”

He took out the sleeping bag and weighed me in visually, “I think it’ll fit, if we sleep on our sides.”

By that, he means if we spoon.

Like last night.

We took off our jeans and tuck ourselves in. When he slips his hand around me, the knots in my guts flutter like butterflies.

“I’m so glad to have met you Dan.”

His voice was so earnest and gentle that I felt my heart soared like a bird. Then he said,

“I’ve always wanted to have a kid brother.”

And then I felt it dropped down like ten thousand feet.

It was the best and worst night ever. Mark talked a little before we sleep. He is in a pensive mood, so I listened quietly. I got a feeling that there are a lot of things in his chest. He didn’t exactly tell me what’s bothering him, but I know him well enough to see where this is going. He asked me what I planned to do if my family is still alive. Where do I want to go? How do I see us surviving in the future? But I think what he really wanted to ask me was,

Where will I fit in?

I kind of understand how he felt. Mark lost his whole family and I’m the first person he trusted.

From the way he cuddled me that night, how tight he held, it’s like he’s keeping me falling off the edge, or falling away from him. I wondered if this is how he felt when his mom left him while he was young. Did he felt like that when his brother left home for college? I wondered how he felt when his dad died in front of his eyes. For me, it felt like I was falling into an abyss when I thought everyone was dead, it’s like the ground suddenly disappear beneath your feet. Perhaps to him right now, I’m the ground beneath his feet.

I hardly got any sleep and I had no room to turn and toss. But he slept like a baby. Everything in the night was pulsing with life.

The moon shines brightly from the window above. Clouds and stars illuminate the dust floating in the air.

I could feel his warm breath on the back of my neck. In his dreams, he called out a few names. Is it his mom, or someone he likes? Perhaps a teacher who cared about him? A girl he crushed on? I could feel his chest rise and fall against my scapula.

The brine of his musk envelops my lungs. It made me feel safe and warm when I breathed him in. It has already become a familiar scent to me. Like how you’ll miss the leather in your old shoe racks, or the smell of your bed, or how the kitchen would swarm your nose whenever you go in and find your mom cooking.

And in his sleep, he would sometimes rub his face against me. His bristling chin feels like sandpaper against my neck, or like a caress with the fingers, gently scratching along the skin.

When the sky starts to brighten, I could feel the blood rushing to his groin. His morning wood lodged itself firmly against the crack of my bum, one leg thrown over mine. All this while, he remained blissfully oblivious to what he was doing to me.

I’m gay. I’m definitely gay.

The realization hits me like someone just told me I flunked my exams; which is a big deal to me by the way. It’s not so much that I have problems coming to terms with it. In fact, worrying about your where your dick goes seems like a mundane concern in the whole situation right now. And everyone probably wished they still worry about their old mundane concerns.

What to eat?

What to wear?

Which book should I read?

Who should I hang out with today?

What we wouldn’t give to live that life again. Not having to wake up by every sound, not going to sleep with your stomach half full, not shivering when it’s in the midst of summer. That life feels like a fairy tale to me now.

So no, I have no problems with being gay, even if Tristan teased me to death about it. And if he does, it means he’s still alive. He can tease me all he wants, as long as he stays alive.

My problem is my crush on Mark. I don’t know if I can even call it a crush any more. We risked our life and limbs for each other after all. This feeling I have for him will never be returned. And if anything happens to him, I don’t know what will happen to me. But no matter what, he will forever just be a fairy tale, out of my reach. Just like all the mundane concerns we used to have.

***

When we wake up, the moaning still hasn’t abated. It sounded almost like the first few weeks when we hear nothing but their haunting cries. I hope it doesn’t take them another few weeks to go back to sleep. Nowadays, we talk about life spans in days, not years anymore. If my family is still alive, the possibility grows slimmer with every passing day. If I were to die, or if they were to die, at least let us say goodbye and have a hug.

Most of them wake up in the late morning. I could see a few of the infected loitering outside from the shadows beneath the rolling shutters. After the scare yesterday, I became more motivated to train up myself. I will die someday, but I won’t end up as their dinner. And the hell I won’t become one of them.

Felicia saw me doing chin ups using the edge on the racks. She said hi when I dropped myself down on the ground. My heart still flutters when she smiled at me, but having sorted things out last night, I thought better not to lead her on. There are so few of us left in this world for us to be cruel to each other. Besides, we may never see each other again when Mark and I go our ways.

The few of us went through the isle and picked up the cereals that are close to the expiry date. Just like dinner time, we gathered around the supervisor’s office to have our meals. Everyone was there except for Craig, who is still sweeping the floor after he spilled one of the cereal boxes in the aisle.

“He can do that later.” Akim said.

“I’ll go get him.”

I volunteered to go because I felt uncomfortable sitting between Felicia and Mark. She tried to sit close to me, and I tried to sit close to him. It’s like a cat and mouse game but with very subtle body movements. It’s like when mom tells me not to lean away when someone smells really bad. When I return, I can change seats without hurting anyone’s feelings.

From a distance, Craig saw me beckoning him to join us. He was listening to music on his earphones.

“HEY DAN! JUST A MINUTE.” He shouted across.

My heart stopped. The shadows beneath the shutter stopped moving suddenly. They have heard him.

I frantically beckoned him to come over, but Craig shouted again. “WHAT IS IT?”

I was about to run over to grab him but the shutters and the glass entrance crashed down within seconds. He bent over to shield himself from the flying shards. And when he turned around, a hoard of the infected poured through the entrance and swarmed him like piranhas. Within seconds, I could only see his hands raised up in the air.

And I couldn’t tell if I was screaming, or him.