A Thousand Nights with You - 9. Comfort Boy

Mark steps in between me and Grey.

They glared at each other like two live wires, clenched jaws and bulging veins, both towering over me. Mark gripped my arm till it turned white and numbed. I feel his sweaty palm and thumping pulse. His eyes narrowed and his muscles tensed like a cornered beast.

Grey is composed and poised. Short blond hair, clean cut features, a tall masculine frame; he could easily be one of those poster boys for marine's recruitment ads. But there’s something about him that unnerved me.

His penetrating blue eyes seem so cold and lifeless, like nothing matters to him anymore. It reminds me of those wild lions that have seen too many deaths and lost the will to live. It’s obvious that he tried to wash away the blood stains on his uniform but failed. He even bothered to press it neatly and wore it like a disciplined soldier. Tristan told me he had a wife, and she died horribly not too long ago. But he never said how. When Grey looks at me, I feel no lust or desire from him. It is the same empty eyes that he looks at everything else.

Tristan thinks he is a decent guy because he never touched any of the women. In the first few weeks, they forced them to have sex with the men, even the married ones. The Colonel did that to stop the rapes and the mutinies. Somehow, I have a feeling that it wasn’t decency but grief that stops Grey from doing so. The women probably reminded him of his dead wife. But I’m not a woman, and he probably won’t feel guilty about taking it out on me.

Many of the young soldiers broke under all that the death and horror. Everyone is dead; their family, their friends, even the mini-mart shopkeeper and probably the president as well. And for those who survived, the haunting shell shocked look on their faces is even more chilling than the infected. There is no hope or future for them.

My brother said the soldiers fuck to forget their pain and fears, and some of the really screwed up ones torture and shame the women. They shit and piss on them and the women come out from their rooms bruised and dazed. Some died when the soldiers got too violent, many fled or even killed themselves.

This whole thing feels so fucked up. For all I know, Grey could be one of those psychos.

He looked indifferent towards Mark’s hostility, as if none of that concerned him. He only sounds mildly annoyed when Mark stops me from leaving with him.

"What's your problem?"

Mark snapped. "What's my problem? He’s barely fifteen, you sick bastard."

"He didn't have a problem with Tristan.” Grey shrugged, as if he doesn’t see the point. He turns towards me, asking me gently like I’m five year old.

“Do you have a problem with me, kid?”

I hesitated.

Even though Grey looks like Captain America with his wholesome good looks, he is creepier than any psychopaths I had watched on film. Ever so rarely, do I see any semblance of human emotions showing in his face.

If I refuse him, my brother will be fucked. They will suspect something and they’ll probably force me like they did with the women. Everyone thought I had slept with Tristan. Except for Mark, no one knows he is my brother and he lied to save me from exile. He convinced the Colonel to let me stay because the soldiers need a new whore. It wasn’t smart but he was desperate. He thought those redneck straight boys wouldn’t touch me with a ten foot pole. But I guess he doesn’t know what really goes on in Prisons.

Mark looks like he’s ready to put up a fight, even though he’s unarmed and Grey is carrying an assault rifle. The image of Felicia’s bloodied body flash before my eyes.

I had to decide.

"I’ll go with you.” I muttered.

Mark is stunned by what I said. He tightened his grip on me until it hurts.

"N-No. It’s not right. This is so fucked up."

"I’ll be fine. It’s not a big deal.”

I forced a smile and give him a long hug. When I bury my face in his chest, I mouthed silently to myself,

But I rather it’s you.

I dragged my feet as I followed Grey. We didn’t speak along the way. I brace myself for what is to come, praying that I’ll come out of this intact. At that moment, I cursed myself for not getting a fork or a small knife, or anything to make me feel less vulnerable. Grey is an adult, built like a marine and towers over me. I’m pretty much at his mercy.

When the door closes and locks, I froze on the spot. I felt awkward and nervous until I noticed Grey seems embarrassed too. It’s the first time he looks remotely human and I take it as a good sign.

His room is neat and tidy unlike Tristan. Everything is orderly like an army bunk, ready for inspection. Across the room, a photo of him and a young woman sits on the table. She has short hair and big twinkling eyes like mine. We even share the same hue of honey brown in our eyes. Her smile is wide and bright, and she looks almost boyish with her slender, square shoulders. She reminds me of mom when she was younger.

From the way he stares at me staring at the photo, I guess that’s probably his wife. No one likes their wife to be gawked upon. I wondered if he wanted me because our small resemblances. If that’s the case, he probably won’t try to hurt me or do anything weird. At least, that’s how I try to calm myself down.

My heart pounds like a runaway train when he unbuttons his uniform. He throws it on the sofa and takes off his boots, wearing only his army slacks and dog tags.

“Sit down.” He ordered.

The room is small and there’s only a large chest and a sofa inside. My imagination ran wild, conjuring all kinds of torture tools packed inside the chest. I froze when he leans over to kiss me.

It’s my second kiss, and he seems even less enthusiastic than me when I kissed Felicia. He pondered for a moment, lost in thoughts until he heard my stomach growling. I give him an apologetic smile.

He takes out a candy bar offered me.

I hesitated. Tristan warned me about taking freebies from strangers as they don’t hesitate to throw out free loaders.

"Go on. You won't get into trouble." He said.

I grabbed the candy bar and devoured it like a ravenous infected. I blushed when I saw him looking at me. He kneels down in front of me and wipes the corner of my mouth with the back of his hand. I look away and swallowed when he stares at my face.

It is a nice gesture, and gentlemanly. For a brief moment, I almost feel comfortable around him. But he gets up and goes to the large chest, taking out several things with extreme care. I feel uneasy when I see the things he brings out. He turns around and said.

“Put this on.”

He hands me a baby blue, satin slip lingerie. I stared at him, wondering if he’s being serious. Then he gets impatient and ordered me.

“Go on.

“Take off your clothes first.

“Be careful with that!

“Put on this ring.

“Wear this necklace.”

It is pretty humiliating. At some point, he comes close to manhandle me when I didn’t wear the thing properly. I would die of shame if Tristan or Mark knows I was made to wear lingerie. And to add injury to insult, he puts make up and lip stick on me.

I am scared. This is getting creepier by the moment. I sat on the sofa and passively watch him applies the cream on my face.

He took a deep breath and lean back to admire his handiwork.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I gasped. Natural cherry lip stick, invisible mineral foundation, I look uncannily like his dead wife.

He brings a hand to touch my face gently.

Then he kissed me again.

His feathery tongue tastes me softly, lips pressing gently against mine. He leans closer to hold me, I feel like a melting ice under his body warmth. He is smouldering and I am drunk on his masculine scent. My body ached when he pulls back.

He looks at me with sad, gentle eyes. But I know he isn’t really looking at me. He is kissing his dead wife.

Being in mid-twenties, his muscles are large and ripped, even the jocks in football team look like boys next to him. My heart drums and my breathing go crazy when he caresses my body. I think of Mark and I feel guilty about getting so horny over someone else.

Will he get jealous?

Will he despise me?

“Touch me.”

It almost sounds like a plea. I don’t know what he wants me to do, he looks so sad. I followed my gut and press my palms against his heart, feeling its beat. He seems a little surprised by this but he closes his eyes and let me feel him. I run my fingers across the dark blond hair on his chest, feeling the soft bristling fur trails down to his abdominals. I wrap my hands around him and I feel a large long scar across his back and trace my fingers along the bullet scars on his right shoulder.

He takes off his pants, wearing only his shorts and lay on top of me, face inches away from mine. His cold, metallic dog tag dangled from his neck and rests on my chest.

“Turn around, lie on your side.” He said gently.

This is it.

He’s finally going to fuck me for real. I brace myself and try to calm down. At least, he didn’t treat me like a whore. I just hope this won’t hurt too much.

I thought he would pull off his shorts, but he didn’t. Instead, he spoon me from behind and hold me quietly. For a long time, he did nothing but that, until I feel him heaving and burying his face into my hair.

“Are you okay?” I asked softly.

At first, it was a muffled sob. Then it turns into a soft, wrenching cry.

I didn’t know what to do at first. I turn around and stroke his face gently. My other hand holds his arm. This is how mom would have comforted me.

He cries like he breathed for the first time. He holds me tight like he has been starved too long without any touch and intimacy. I bury my head in his chest, letting him feel the warmth of my body. After a while, he quiet down, drained and empty like a husk. When he holds me again, I know that this time, he is holding me for real and not his wife.

“Tell me about your day?”

I said to him softly. Dad always asks me that when I’m feeling down. It helps to get things off the chest, even if it’s random chatter. He remained silent for a while, then he breaks into a raw and husky voice.

“I saw a nimbus cloud today.”

I paused for a while.

“And what happened?”

“It rained. Just like Elena said they would. She says I will know it’s going to rain when I see those clouds.”

For the rest of the night, I listen to him talk. Occasionally, I’ll nod to acknowledge what he says. If he stops talking altogether, I’ll say something else to keep him going.

He started talking about random things, little snapshots about his old life. He never went to college, because he got married as soon as he graduated High School. Joining the army gives him a decent pay to support his family. Otherwise, he won’t be able to afford the mortgage if he becomes a mechanic apprentice or a Walmart assistant.

He lightens when he talks about Elena. I could almost see him smile when he talks about how they met each other from the school track and field team. It was their eighth anniversary when she died.

“It’s better that way. She wouldn’t be able to… live like this.”

It was an awkward moment. He is referring to what I’m doing now, giving up my body and dignity to survive.

“I won’t do anything you’re not comfortable with.” Grey adds, almost apologetically. He wants to see me again, and he makes it clear that I won’t have to sleep with him. Unless I want to.

I nod.

“You look really pretty in Elena’s clothes.”

Grey quickly apologizes when I frowned.

“I’m sorry. That was rude.”

I chuckled. Grey is worried that he had wounded my male pride, he thinks just like Mark. Other than Felicia, I never had anyone compliment me on my looks before. I am flattered even though the context is dubious.

“It’s okay, I’m gay.”

It isn’t entirely honest. Gay or not, I’m sure any boys will find it insulting to be treated like a girl. But the real reason I didn’t mind is because he misses his wife so much. I’m simply glad that I’m able to bring some comfort to him.

Grey smiles at me, he seems less guilty now. I just hope he won’t make me dress like his wife every time he wants company. I’m more than happy to lend him a shoulder as a friend. He nods and gives me a friendly hug.

I left his room with a broad smile on my face, feeling good about the strange turn of events. I wandered aimlessly and find myself sitting on a bench at the roof top terrace outside the Green House. I leaned back and feel the cool night breeze. It is pitch dark and silent. It’s been a long while since I feel remotely safe being alone.

I sat there, thinking about my childhood in Africa, and how this cool night breeze and darkness reminds me of the vast silence of the Saharan desert.

It feels surreal to suddenly care about so many people. I used to go to the movies alone, play by myself, or lock myself in the room for hours to work on my projects. Tristan always gives me shit for being anti-social. But being alone doesn’t make me feel lonely, pretending to be someone else does.

“I’m gay.” I repeated to the darkness.

No lightning strikes me, and the darkness didn’t let out a howling scream either. Instead, I feel the tightness in my chest let go. If only I have the balls to say the same thing to Mark, and to tell him that I really, really like him.

When I return, I find Tristan and Mark arguing. I forgot that my brother would be worried when he doesn’t find me after his sentry duties.

“How can you let him go?” Tristan said.

“I know. I shouldn’t have. FUCK!”

Mark punches the wall before he finally notices me. “Dan!”

He came over and puts both hands on the side of my arms, “Are you hurt?”

I shake my head and smile.

My brother stepped in and hugged me, “Jesus, you scared the shit out of me.”

He grilled me about what Grey had done, but I remained evasive about the whole thing. I didn’t feel its right to spill something so private to Grey, so I just told them that he is nice and civil to me.

“Nice? Fucking with my brother isn’t nice at all!” Tristan seethed in rage. “Did it hurt? Did he use a condom? I’m going to kill that asshole if he gives you anything.”

With the HRN7 tearing down the world, it’s almost easy to forget there are many viruses that can kill you as well, especially now there’s no doctors or medicines to treat you. But you can’t catch these things from kissing, right?

Jody, who’s bunking in the next room, came over to see what’s going on. Although he’s our friend, Tristan doesn’t want too many people to know about us. He already pretty much uncomfortable about Mark knowing we are brothers.

Jody’s usual friendly demeanour turns hostile the moment he saw Tristan.

“What do you want?”

“Relax. He’s just here to take Dan for the night.” Mark said.

Jody spits and muttered, “Scumbags.”

My brother restrains himself from getting riled up. But Jody isn’t about to let things slide.

“Dump the girl like she’s garbage and now your filthy hands are all over the kid.”

“You mean Felicia?” I asked Jody.

I look at Tristan, demanding to know if it’s true.

“We don’t dump corpses. We burn them in the incinerator. Diseases killed more of us than the infected did.”

“Bullshit. I saw the red jarhead dragging her body towards the dumpster.”

While both of them argued, I caught Mark looking at me secretly. He averts his eyes when I caught him staring. I wondered what was going on in his head, and he looks like a million things are bothering him now.

“What’s wrong, Mark?”

“Nothing, just tired of these shit.”

“Are you sure?”

He kept quiet, but his face seems to be in deep thoughts. Before I can probe further, Tristan said we should leave. Jody is making it very clear that he’s not welcomed here.

On the way back to his quarters, Tristan asked me if I can walk properly. I asked him why he asked such a weird question.

“They say you can’t walk properly after… You know, um… got fucked?” I sniggered when Tristan tries to sound tactful about the whole thing.

“Asshole. That didn’t happen, I told you Grey is cool.”

“Really? He’ll spend a hundred points to just date you?”

“Hey, he did say I’m pretty.” I grinned. Tristan looks uncomfortable when I said that. I decided that since I came out to Grey, he has a right to know as well.

“I’m gay, Tristan.”

He looks at me for a second, and he said.

“I know, dumbass. That’s why I never call you a fag.”

I smiled. My brother loves to annoy me by calling me all kinds of names. He pushes all my buttons, but he never uses the ones that stings.

He messed up my hair and puts an arm over me. “What took you so long to fess up?”

“It takes a while for me to figure things out. I didn’t know many people, you know. Boys or girls.”

He nods sagely, lips pursed in acknowledgement. I didn’t realize I am gay until I met Mark, I wonder how Tristan figures out. It’s not as if I have a limp wrist or anything.

“How did you know?”

“Duh. You use Crystal Maiden for Dota. How gay is that?”

He laughed as I punched his arm.

“Ouch. You’re so butch. I’m going to tell on your boyfriend.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I said.

“That Mark dude? Isn’t he your boyfriend? You look at him like a sappy schoolgirl.”

My brother laughed as I growled and chased him down the school hall. Our voices echoed in the empty corridors. It was late in the night, and we had expected everyone to be asleep. But he suddenly stop when he passed by the staff lounge. The door was open.

I slowed down as I walk up to him. The staff lounge is dark except for a few flashlights. There is a small crowd in there, and among the voices, I recognize the Colonel’s voice. This bode all kinds of bad news.

“What’s happening?” I whispered.

“Someone stole medical supplies.”

“Who?”

My brother shrugged. We can only hear the commotion but we can’t see inside. Both of us stand in a dark corner and watch. After a while, a few soldiers came out, accompanied by the Quartermaster and the Colonel. They tied up a man and dragged him out of the room. Under the moonlight, I manage to see his face clearly.

It is Grey.