Finding Purpose - 1. Oneshot

In my whole life, I’ve believed that life has already chosen its course and that I’m just going through whatever it is laid out for me. As long as I go through it, then I’ll live my life then it’ll end right after I’ve done everything I needed to do.

I’m currently in the first year of college. So far, life hasn’t given me any reason to be interested or fed up about it. I think you can say that I feel neutral about it. Nothing to live for, nothing to die for. I have friends that I enjoy being with, I have a normal middle class family, I have everything I need to live an average life. I went through high school the same way that every normal person has, didn’t become famous, and yet wasn’t looked down as a loser. The type that every school mate will know by name, but won’t give a second look and especially not a stare.

Every child that has graduated from high school are always presented with choices, I guess mine was pretty much decided on its own. Apart from my totally average grades, my slightly good subjects are Math and English. My father is a small town businessman, so it’s all I believe I will know how to do so. So here in college, I picked up business management. Not really planning on becoming anything big, just enough to live a normal life.

I thought it was all laid out for me. I’ll play as a kid, study as a student, work as an adult, get a wife and make children, live in a middle class suburban village, grow old, have grandchildren, then when my physical body has reached its limit, I die. No additional worries apart from normal household problems, no complications, just normal.

That is until I met my college roommate. A carefree, fun-loving, unrestricted guy who has quite a sense of maturity as well. He called himself Charlie, although his name is actually Charles. I prefer calling him Charles unlike everyone else. It just feels more comfortable that way. He’s slightly smaller than my average height, slightly thinner than my average physique, although he insist that he’s not malnourished, I still think he’s too thin for his age. He enjoys life as much as he can, but he’s wise enough to know what is right from wrong. He stayed away from drugs, drank only to socialize but never enough to get drunk, refused smoking but doesn’t really have anything against those who do so, all in all, he’s figured out what he likes and dislikes. We weren’t really the best of friends, but we got along really well. We have the same schedules as freshmen and we made our own friends. He had his outgoing group while I stick to my normal clique.

One afternoon in our dorm room, he asked me something that made me think more about life than I already have.

“Have you found out your purpose for living?”

I haven’t really thought about life that way. I wasn’t sure what he was talking about. Does life has to have meaning? Do I have to have a specific or unique purpose in this world? Unsure on how to answer him, I decided to ask him back.

“What do you mean? Is there supposed to be a specific purpose for someone to live their life?”

“It’s not that. I mean, isn’t it lonely to think that you’d go on with your life and everything just passes by normally? Don’t you want to believe that every one of us is here in this world for a reason? Maybe we’re here for someone. Someone who’s life we can change just by being alive, no matter how small the change is.” He replied.

“Hmm. I guess so.” I shrugged nonchalantly. Casting away the thoughts from my mind. I’m not sure if it’s something I should be thinking about. I feel like something in my life will change if I do so.

Again, without any more words about that conversation, we move on with our lives.

---

Just right before the end of our freshman year, we had a small celebration in our room. Just a couple of beers, watching an action flick that Charles rented, spending the night sitting on our own beds and talking about our experiences the whole year and what to look forward to the next. That is, until, Charles decided to tell me something I wasn’t expecting.

“Hey, man, I know that we’ve been roommates and sort of like best friends for the year. I feel like I could tell you things and you’d be all neutral about it. You’re sort of like that kind of person, y’know?”

“I guess so.” I replied.

“OK, so, I think I’m gay. Or maybe bisexual. I’ve dated some girls before and I really liked them. But recently I think I’m giving some men second looks and think that I’d like to be with them as well in a sexual or romantic kind of way.” Charles proclaimed, talking in a calm even voice, looking really sober. He is indeed sober since we’re still only halfway our first beer, so I don’t think that confession was a result of alcohol.

“Oh. Sure. That’s alright, I guess.” I muttered.

“So you’re cool with it?” He gave me this look that seemed like he was scared that I might stab him in his sleep or burn him on the stake.

“Yeah. It’s cool, dude. It’s the 21^st century; I think it’s legal to be gay now. Well, technically, in some states.”

“I guess so.” He shrugged, downing the last half of his beer as we went back to watching the movie we almost forgot was even on.

As the credits rolled on the end of the movie, Charles press the remote to turn the TV off, as the room went silent; it brought me back to my own thoughts about what Charles just said. I never really questioned my sexuality like that because I assumed I was normal. I dated girls who liked me but I couldn’t say I love them because I don’t feel anything like that for them. Sure, I like them. But it’s like liking a friend or something. Not someone special. And of course, my body reacted to them. I would get hard when being kissed passionately or touched intimately, but it’s just like getting hard to release pent-up fluids when there’s a need for jerking off as a natural body necessity.

Now this is exactly why I didn’t want to think of these kinds of things. Now I’m starting to question and doubt the life I’ve lead. Though the way Charles lives his life on his own pace makes me feel inspired enough to do so as well. And so, without actually thinking why, I thought out loud.

“How did you know you were attracted to guys?”

He stares at me with his wide eyes, obviously surprised by my question.

“Oh. Ah. What’s with that all of a sudden? Haha! Well, uh, I guess it’s more like, my body reacts to their looks or their voice. Then I find myself imagining going out with them and having fun…”

“Hmm. I see. I haven’t really thought about guys. But I guess I‘m not even sure if I thought about girls.” I said as I twirl my fingers around my empty beer bottle. I wasn’t really meaning to ask him or tell him about this, but it just sort of rolled off my mouth.

“Huh? Isn’t that weird? What do you think of when you masturbate then?” He asks; confusion and curiosity clearly shown on his face.

“Well… kissing, I guess… or sticking my thing into something. Now that I think about it, I haven’t really thought of anyone or any gender specific. I imagine lips, but some guys have soft looking lips like girls too you know. Like you for example.” I blurted out; wasn’t even thinking at all of how that sounded.

“Oh…” Charles sighed softly then turned silent. Silence filled the room for what felt like days but only for a few minutes. When I finally looked up to see if he was alright, he was looking straight at me dumbstruck with a deep red blush creeping up from his neck to his cheeks.

Right then, that one moment when his eyes glazed under the dim light of our room and his soft red lips were slightly open, my whole future changed. Without giving a second thought I crossed the small divide in between our beds and stepped into his in one big step; quickly leaning in to press my lips into his.

That one kiss was life changing, all the feelings I never thought I’d have or even knew were there just risen in a single heartbeat. Sweetness, passion, understanding, friendship, and love were all wrapped up into that soft pressing of our lips. Just as I thought it couldn’t get any better, he got over his initial shock then responded by pushing his lips into mine harder and putting his hands over my cheeks. Suddenly, everything in my dull life made sense. Every mundane thought I had has been filled with so much more to look forward to.

As we came up for breath after that earth shattering kiss, we looked into each other’s eyes; my own twinkling ones reflected into his own happy ones. Without any word from either of us from what seemed like years, we both laughed. More than I’ve ever remembered laughing my whole life. A laugh filled with so much overwhelming happiness and joy. As we came down from our high, we laced our fingers in between each others’ then lie down on Charles’ bed side by side.

“I think everything in the universe feels right now. I think I found my purpose, Jason.” Charles said, smiling with a smile as bright as day.

“I’m glad I found you.” I replied, giving him a big smile that mirrored his feelings.

I’m glad I found love. I thought, as we drift off to sleep hand in hand, smiling from the depths of our hearts, finally beating as one.

Thank you for reading everyone! It's just a simple oneshot this time while I'm still working on my series! It's an idea that crossed my mind over breakfast so I wasn't sure if it's all that well thought of or well written! Haha!
This is a work of fiction. All similarities to any living or non-living characters are simply coincidences and all characters are above the age of 18. 
I would greatly appreciate feedbacks and comments! It will inspire me to write more! You can also email me at sakai.tatsumi.nnd@gmail.com.