In spite of the fear - 3. I knew you cared

“I was always on the lookout for tips that made me believe that you had special feelings for me, that I was not just one more patient,” my friend told me some time ago.

“How was that?” must have been my comment.

“Do you remember the incident with Mario?” I could tell that Luis was set on giving me specific information to get my memory to work. Probably my nod gave him the signal to continue.

“I must have been about twenty years old when I started dating Mario, but there was something about him that made me uncomfortable. That’s when I decided to ask you to meet him and give me your opinion.”

During the group therapy sessions many stories had been shared about the young men feeling attracted to older men – well, for them older meant around thirty – most of which were in a formal relationship with a woman or even married to one. In many cases, children were part of the scene. The general consensus was that the possibility of developing a stable relationship was impossible. In an ideal situation, they would have to settle for being the hidden lover. It was all a reflection of the times, where there was no such thing as gay pride, much less gay respect. A yearning for all encompassing love was always present, with no hope.

As a therapist in those times, I was guided mostly by what I felt was common sense stemming from the belief that everyone has rights to self-respect and demand to be respected by others. Though I did acknowledge the need to love and be loved, perhaps I was not very aware of its impact on gays.

“OK, bring Mario over,” I said, “but remember that I am not telling you what to do. That’s your responsibility.”

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Perhaps a week passed and, one morning, the receptionist told me over the intercom that Luis had come in with someone. I told her to send both. “

“This is Mario,” he said while the young dentist offered his hand and gave me a very firm handshake.

“Will you step outside while I talk with him?” I raised and returned the handshake to his friend, who was looking very serious.

“Do you only see gay people in this place, Doctor?” was his introduction.

“Mainly, yes, but I work with any kind of sexual problems. So, that means that I not only see gay men but regular couples, men and female,” was my clarification. Of course, then and there I came to the conclusion that Mario was feeling distraught and perhaps even ashamed of being in my clinic. After all, I was already known as the shrink who attended gays. Of course, he was not my patient, and I decided that pursuing his feelings was not why he had accepted Luis’ request to visit me.

“So, Mario… What is the problem with Luis? I decided to start.

“To begin with, I find him very effeminate. It is so easy to tell that he’s gay.” I felt a bit surprised because I didn't think that the young dentist was the best example of masculinity. He was perhaps 5’7, had a rather square build, pleasant facial features and brown wavy hair. I was drawn to his hands, where his nails were well polished – very unusual at the time.

“How long have you been seeing each other?” I asked.

“Around four months,” he said.

“What do you like about Luis?”

“He is sweet, pretty, smart, isn't after money, and I like his family.” He sounded quite sincere. However, I could sense that there was something amiss. I remembered that Luis had mentioned that when they went out in the car and they stopped at a mini-market, Mario would insist that he remain inside the vehicle.

“Is there a reason why Luis has to wait in the car when you make a short stop?” I asked directly.

“He told you about it?”

“Yes, Mario. I have his permission to use his information.” This was an important clarification.

“I can’t help it, Doctor,” he was barely heard, “I have to protect myself.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, he’s so obviously gay that I can’t afford to have someone saying the same thing about me.” His answer was quite firm this time.

“That I can understand, Mario,” I clarified, “but may I suggest that perhaps you are ashamed of him?” I paused for perhaps a minute, expecting a following explanation, which did not happen.

“Mario, I believe that a relationship that includes shame has no firm foundation.” Mario nodded and lowered his head, obviously ashamed of his feelings.

I decided to call an end to the conversation and advised Mario to think about what we had discussed. The suggestion for him and Luis to talk about it was the closing statement.

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“Do you know when I became convinced that you did care for me?” Luis asked.

“I have no idea.”

“Mario told me that I did not deserve to be ashamed of,” he voice broke, but he continued, “He told me that you had said so.”

When I think about it, I am sure that I would never accept that anyone should be ashamed of any of my patients. Though it was my belief, I had no idea how much truth there was in it.

“And I felt that you were so right that I broke off with Mario. Of course, you didn’t know the impact you were having on me.”