On n'aime qu'une fois - 1. Story

On n'aime qu'une fois

I froze.

For a moment – for one ephemeral moment – time and space ceased to exist. And when they returned, they came crashing down around me.

I was petrified. I could not move, or think, or flee as I so desperately wanted – or perhaps needed – to do.

It wasn’t fear; it was something much more urgent than that most base, instinctual of emotions but there are no words that I can think of to describe the feeling. It was overwhelming, and it drained the life from my limbs.

I saw him walk purposefully towards me; the crowds parted before him as the sea before Moses. His eyes bored into me as he walked. My knees were weak, my senses were reeling, and still he walked.

I felt his lips close over mine, but all I could do was stand, motionless, with my arms at my sides. I didn’t reciprocate, nor did I pull away; I was frozen. Finally, mustering all of my will, I closed my eyes. I closed them, because to have kept them open was to have looked into a vast abyss of deepest brown from which there was no return. My arms trembled, my lips quivered, and still he kissed me.

“Jesus Christ!” exclaimed someone from behind me. I heard footsteps running towards me. “What the fuck is going on here? And who the hell are you?”

I looked at my boyfriend, who appeared ready to punch the man who was kissing me, and then my eyes drifted, reluctantly, back to Jonah. I said nothing, Jonah said nothing, and the three of us stood in silence while Rob waited for an answer.

Finally, when I had regained the use of my legs, I turned slowly and began to walk aimlessly.

“Sam!” Rob called. I turned briefly to see him standing only inches away from Jonah, and a sickening sense of urgency overcame me. I fled.

*****

“Sam? Are you here?” Rob’s voice was gentle as he called tentatively for me.

“I’m here,” I replied tonelessly from the other room.

“Hey, are you feeling all right?”

I was sitting on the sofa in silk pajama bottoms with a blanket draped over me and a container of ice cream in my hands. “Just fabulous.”

“That was Jonah?” he half asked, half stated as he came to sit on the couch with me.

“Yes,” I replied curtly, edging away from him. I wanted to be left alone.

“What’s he doing in London?”

“I don’t know,” I responded absently. I looked down and, to my chagrin, saw that the ice cream was almost gone.

“Are you going to sit there and give me one-word answers, or can we talk about this?”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” I insisted sharply.

“Oh, I think there is, Sam,” he said firmly, yet kindly. “I went to the bathroom, and I come back to find you kissing another guy in the middle of the mall.”

“I wasn’t kissing him,” I observed. “He was kissing me.”

“You didn’t seem to mind all that much.”

I laughed, which was apparently a mistake.

“Do you find this funny, Sam? Because I don’t see the humour. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt here; the least you could do is offer an explanation.”

“There’s nothing to explain,” I repeated irritably. “I was standing there, waiting for you, when I saw him walking towards me. He just walked over and kissed me. I didn’t even have time to think.”

“It’s not that hard to pull away from a kiss, Sam.”

“No,” I agreed. “It wasn’t the kiss. It was…it was Jonah. What can I say? I haven’t seen him in almost two years. It was overwhelming. I sort of just froze up and couldn’t do anything.”

My mind drifted back to that scene in the mall, but I couldn’t express that to Rob even if I’d wanted to. The abridged version would suffice.

“Why did you run off like that when I showed up, then?” Rob asked. He didn’t sound angry – he knew part of my history with Jonah – but he definitely sounded curious—and perhaps a bit jealous.

I sighed. How could I explain? “I just couldn’t deal with seeing Jonah in person. It was too much.”

“That’s fine, hon,” he said warmly, placing his arm around my shoulders.

“Do you want to go out for dinner, or should we stay in?”

I wanted to be alone, to sort through my thoughts, but that didn’t seem to be an option.

“Let’s go out.”

*****

I looked at the clock; it was past midnight. I sat in bed, unable to sleep, listening to the rhythmic breathing of Rob beside me. Jonah consumed my every thought. Even then, I knew what was going to happen as much as I tried to tell myself it wasn’t. I didn’t have the will to say no. I lifted myself quietly out of the bed and padded over to the closet where my jacket was hanging. Trembling, I reached into the pocket and pulled out the small piece of paper that Jonah had placed there.

The Strand Place Hotel, room 324

There was nothing else, because he knew I would come anyway. I cursed him for being right even as I quietly dressed myself to leave. I slipped quietly out of my expensive downtown flat and walked hurriedly through the damp late-night air. The Strand Place rose before me suddenly, and my heart beat faster. I felt my palms get clammy and sweaty; I felt the familiar head rush that was at once so addictive and so frightening.

Walking into the lobby, I brushed past the receptionist and strode into the lift. The door shut, and I became agitated as the anticipated reunion drew nearer. By the time the antiquated lift had reached the third floor, I was in a fervor. Abandoning any pretense of self-control, I ran down the hall until I found Jonah’s room. I rapped sharply on the door and bounced on the balls of my feet while I waited for him to open it.

The door opened, and as in the mall, time slowed. I saw his face – his gorgeous, child-like face – and I felt my muscles turn to water. He smiled an arrogant smile and pulled me into the room. He kissed me again, but there was nothing gentle about this kiss. Jonah’s lips covered mine, and his hands dominated the contours of my body.

“God, Sam, it’s been so long,” he whispered, pulling away from me. I looked up into his eyes, and all my anger and resentment was sucked into those liquid pools of brown. I was powerless to do anything – and he knew it.

Jonah smiled again and started gently biting at my ear lobes. I gave a small shudder of pleasure, and whatever last reserves of will I had left dissipated. I gave in completely, exulting in the unbridled pleasure of complete submission.

*****

“Sam?”

Blinking rapidly as bright light assaulted my eyes, I looked around.

“Fuck!” I exclaimed, sitting up quickly. “What time is it?”

“Ten o’clock.”

“Jesus Christ, Jonah! What the fuck am I supposed to tell Rob?”

“I don’t care,” shrugged Jonah.

“Fuck you,” I snapped, falling back into the bed.

“I didn’t think you liked topping,” he smirked.

“God, you haven’t changed have you?”

“I don’t know. Have I?”

“No.”

“Ok. So, was it nice to see me again?”

“No.”

“If you say so.”

“I’m leaving. And so are you. Go back to Chicago; there is nothing for you here.”

“Nothing? Or no one?”

“Whatever. Just go.”

“No.”

“Bye, Jonah.”

I pulled his arms off my body and got out of the bed, wrapping the sheet around my naked body. He laughed at this, and I tried not to think about him. I found my clothes scattered throughout the suite and pulled them on as quickly as I could. Feeling ill, I stepped into the hallway and braced myself for the confrontation to come.

*****

Dinner with Rob was a tense affair. We’d had an explosive fight about the distance I’d been keeping since the incident in the mall, and he thought it would be a good idea for us to sit down to a homemade dinner together. He was wrong. Instead of the back and forth of discussion, there was only the gentle clink clink of cutlery against porcelain and the undignified sound of chewing overcooked mutton. Rob sipped ever so gently at his wine, while I sloppily poured myself a third glass. This was one of the worst weeks in memory.

Then, just as we were mercifully finishing our main course, the bell from the foyer rang. I stiffened and leapt to my feet in a rush. I didn’t even wait to see who was there, I just walked out of the flat and dashed down the stairs.

“Fuck you, Jonah,” I hissed, pushing the main door open.

“You left your wallet at my hotel,” he said with an innocent smile — the smile a wolf gives a lamb.

“Thanks for bringing it back. Bye.”

“Wait, love, can’t I come up?”

“No!” I said, raising my voice. “And don’t call me love.”

“Whatever you say, love,” he winked. Then he had the audacity to kiss me playfully on the lips.

“Just go, Jonah. Before this gets out of hand.”

“Out of hand?” he laughed. “You’ve become so uptight.”

“Don’t even start with me. My life was going just fine until last week,” I said. I cursed myself as I heard the emotion in my voice.

“It’s easier to ignore things when they’re out of sight.”

“No, Jonah, it’s easier to ignore you when you aren’t stalking me!”

“Stalking? I do believe it was you who showed up at my hotel.”

“I…”

“Is everything all right here?” The deep, authoritative voice of Rob echoed through the small foyer, and my muscles went rigid. I didn’t need this confrontation.

“Just fine…Rob, right?” replied Jonah smoothly.

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry if I interrupted anything, I was just returning Sam’s wallet.”

I gaped and he gave me a demure smile. I could feel Rob’s eyes boring into me from behind.

“Oh,” he said in a measured voice. “Where did he leave it?”

“The mall!” I interjected, just as Jonah said: “My hotel room.”

The ensuing silence was palpable. Jonah wore a semi-smirk as he watched my relationship fall apart, and Rob just stared impassively at me.

“Maybe you should stay there tonight,” Rob said finally.

“I’m sorry, Sam, but I have company tonight,” Jonah said sweetly.

I slapped him, on an impulse, and he laughed.

“Fuck both of you,” I swore. I brushed past Jonah without a glance at Rob and strode out of the building.

The air was cold and I had no coat, but I stubbornly kept walking through the evening. I didn’t know where I was going, but subconsciously I was walking toward the Strand. I knew, as Jonah knew, where I would sleep tonight. I thought I had escaped, and once more I cursed my inability to deny him.

When I reached the Strand, I told myself to turn around. I told myself to go back and talk to Rob. He would understand, and he would forgive. But I walked forward and into the lobby of the Strand Place. I knew Jonah wouldn’t have made it back before me – no, he would keep me waiting just because he could ­­– but I still went up the lift. I approached his door and reluctantly pulled my wallet out of my back pocket. Tucked neatly into the leather, nestled amongst credit cards and permits, was a card key to the room.

I opened the door slowly, and the room was predictably Jonah. The only lighting was candles and an antique stained-glass lamp. Two chilled champagne flutes sat on a glass table beside a bottle of Moët et Chandon; bowls of chocolate mousse with fresh strawberries sat at opposite ends of the small table.

Sighing heavily, I grabbed the bottle of champagne and roughly uncorked it, ignoring the sound of the cork hitting the window. Pouring myself a generous glass of the expensive champagne, I took a seat at the table and stuck a spoon into the exquisitely presented mousse. It gave me sadistic satisfaction to so ungracefully ruin the lavish dessert.

By the time Jonah finally deigned to show up, my bowl of mousse was entirely gone, as was most of the champagne.

“Thanks for waiting,” he said, taking off his coat.

I staggered to my feet. “You know what, Jonah? Fuck you!”

“Aww, you’re cute when you’re drunk.”

“I’m not going to sleep with you, you know.”

“I don’t know. And I don’t believe you.”

Before I could reply, his lips closed over mine, and I felt him tugging my shirt over my head.

“Why did you come here?” I asked, panting as our lips parted.

“You’re the best I ever had, Sam.” He dropped his trousers and boxers in one swift motion, and pushed me towards the bed.

“What do you want from me, though?”

He leaned forward, pinning me to the bed, and started kissing my neck gently. “I want you.”

*****

“Rob,” I called tentatively, letting myself into the flat we shared.

“In the bedroom.” I couldn’t read his voice, but I feared the worst.

“Hey,” I said lamely, leaning against the doorframe. He was lying, half awake, on the bed looking up at me.

“Where’d you go last night?” he asked simply. There was no audible anger in his voice.

“I went to Jonah’s hotel,” I said truthfully.

“Oh?”

“I slept with him. Again.”

“Come sit down,” he said with a small sigh. I obeyed and sat at the foot of his bed. I wasn’t sure how close I should get.

“Thank you.”

“For what?” I asked, puzzled.

“For the honesty.”

“Oh, yeah…Look, Rob, I’m so sorry. I know it’s not an excuse, but I just couldn’t not go. It sounds lame, but it’s true. I dunno if you understand, but I can’t explain it any other way.”

“I don’t understand, Sam, but I trust you enough to take your word for it.”

“I love you, Rob, I really do. I’m sorry about this, but I hope you can forgive me.”

“Love is blind, Sam,” he said with broad grin, pulling me closer to him and wrapping me in a tight embrace.

*****

I was frantic.

“Jonah, wait!” I shouted into the mouthpiece of my mobile.

“What? Sam?”

“Don’t you dare get on that plane!”

“Sam, calm down,” he ordered. “It’s delayed, I’m stuck at Heathrow for another three hours. What do you need?”

“To talk. You owe me that much, at least, for just showing up in my life like that. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”

“Fine. Meet me at the entrance to security, and we can talk.”

I hung up without a goodbye and looked anxiously out the window of the taxicab. When we had arrived at the international terminal of Heathrow airport, I tossed some money to the driver and jumped out of the car, racing to the door.

Once inside, I immediately saw the doors to security, and I looked about frantically for any sign of Jonah. I nearly leapt out of my skin when I felt fingers tapping on my shoulders.

“Calm down, Sam,” he said firmly, grabbing me by the shoulders.

“You can’t do this to me!” I said, tears welling up in my eyes. “Not again. I won’t go through this again.”

“Please, Sam, it was a weekend of sex, nothing else.”

“I moved halfway across the world to escape from you, Jonah. It took me a years to get over you; it was not just a weekend of sex. Not to me.”

“So what?” he asked, laughing. “You think we would work out any better if we tried it again?”

“I dunno…I still love you.”

Silence.

The silence – a perfect expression of his condescension and scorn – was a blow to the gut. It reverberated around us, and I realized what a fool I was for coming here. It was true, I still loved him for some inexplicable reason, but he had never loved me. It was why I had run halfway across the world to flee him.

I backed away slowly, but he followed me, leaning forward to kiss me roughly.

“You really are the best I’ve ever had, Sam.”

A tear rolled down my cheek, and he flashed me a callous grin. He didn’t care.

I turned and fled.

*****

When I stepped out of the taxicab at my downtown flat, I was numb. I absently handed the money to the driver and started walking aimlessly. I didn’t go upstairs, for I wasn’t ready to face Rob. I remembered then all the reasons why I had loved and hated Jonah. I remembered why I couldn’t – even now – let him go. I remembered how alluring self-destruction can be.

It started to rain, and I reluctantly turned to walk home. I still had Rob, I told myself. I had someone who loved me, someone whom I loved. It was a safe love, a love that would help me grow and become a better person. And it seemed insignificant next to my damaging, one-sided love of Jonah.

But I had been happy with Rob, and I would be happy again. I had gotten over Jonah before, and I could do so once more. I recalled the advice of countless therapists and looked towards the bright spot, toward the stability of my life with Rob. I smiled, ever so slightly, at that thought. I would surprise him with a weekend in Paris, I decided.

With that thought in mind, I walked up the two flights of stairs to our apartment. Taking a moment to regain my composure, I pushed the door open.

“Hey, Rob,” I called cheerily.

There was no answer. I looked around the apartment, and it dawned on me that it was emptier than usual. Most of the furniture and all of the art were gone, and the floors had just been scrubbed. I felt sick. I walked slowly into the kitchen and immediately noticed an envelope sitting on the table.

I picked it up, my hands trembling, and opened it. A small piece of paper fell out into my hands.

On n'aime qu'une fois: la prémiere

**********

© 2008 Menzo

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