My Brother's Journal and My Secrets - 1. Story

My Brother’s Journal and My Secrets

By TL The Writing Tiger

My brother Richard wrote a journal long ago. I found his journal recently, and I want to share it with the world. I have typed every word from the last several days in which my brother wrote in his journal. I will let everyone in the world judge his journal for themselves. Richard’s Journal is not for the faint of heart. You have been adequately warned!

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Journal

July 20, 1989

I have had a short yet fulfilling life. My only regret is killing my wife, Louise. Yes, I killed her. She overdosed on Xanax and I could have prevented it by being more careful. She was the only woman who ever truly understood me and loved me for who I really am, and I had to watch her fade away until she took her last breath. My dearest Louise, I miss you so much. I’ve been such a fool. How could I have let this happen to you?

Louise had a short but full life. She and I had a secret in common. I am (and she was) a bisexual. I met Louise in June 16, 1975 in New York City, just six years after the Stonewall riots. We met at a gay bar. I was there looking for a man for the evening; she was in the mood for a woman. We ended up sitting next to each other at a bar.

I said hello to her with a smile. She said hello to me with a smile and a gleam in her eyes. She then asked me what I was doing and I told her that I was there to find someone to hook up with. I also told her that it was not something I did all the time. In fact, it was not something I did more than twice a week. I also told her about the straight bars I would occasionally go to since I was bisexual. She seemed delighted by my confession. In fact, I noticed a somewhat mischievous grin on her face as she asked me if I was. I told her that I was and she told me that she was as well. She told me about the dykes and how telling them that she was bisexual was not a good idea whatsoever. They figured that bi women always cheat on women with men. I also told her about the gay men saying that I was confused whenever I admitted my sexuality to them. She laughed really hard at my joke. I knew from that moment that she was perfect for me in that sense, because we had a similar sense of humor. I had only just met Louise, and I had already been more honest with her than I’d ever been with a woman. It was so refreshing. Most women in those days would be horrified at the idea of being with a bisexual man. Most bi men were deeply in the closet. They’d get married and live a double life. But Louise was bi just like me, and she understood my preferences. That night we ended up in a café talking for hours until we decided to go to our respective apartments.

We married less than a year later. We had an open marriage. Sure, we had our rules. Occasionally, we’d meet up with another bi couple, Tim and Sharon Wade. We had so much fun together. Sometimes, Tim and I would have sex while our wives had sex. Other times, we’d have foursomes. The foursomes were always a lot of fun. First, Tim and I would watch our wives kiss and stimulate one another orally. Then, Tim and I would do the same while our wives watched. The four of us became the best of friends. God, I miss them so much. I’m the only one still alive.

Louise and I also had two children, Kate and Richard Junior. I love my children dearly. They’ve been through so much. Now, they refuse to watch me die a slow and painful death. They blame me for their mother’s death. They live with my parents because they can’t stand to look at me, because I have it. Yes, I have one of the worst diseases in the history of the world, AIDS.

I want people to understand that I never meant for this to happen. Between the 70’s and the 80’s, gay and bi people were having sex with as many people as we possibly could. We had gained freedom that previous generations missed. Louise allowed me to be myself. Tim was far from my only male partner. Thousands of men have fucked me. I truly had the best and worst of both worlds. I had a loving and supporting wife and all the sex I could handle. I had everything a bi man could ever have or want. After growing up in rural Kansas, I felt like I had paid my dues. In the 60’s, they considered us mentally ill.

The freedom of the 70’s and 80’s proved that we were finally free, or so we thought.

In the early 80’s, I watched as the first of us started dying. I had already decided to limit my number of partners, but it was too late. I found out I was sick on December 21, 1983. I may have had HIV long before then. Too many people have died because of this monster. We waited for so long to be able to live freely in this world. Why do so many of us have to suffer like this? I can barely eat. I sleep all the time. My parents disowned me. My children hate me. I’m stuck in this room living a shadowy existence, isolated from the world. All I know is pain and suffering.

My brother, Dan, is the only person I have left. He and his wife broke up soon after I came back to Kansas to live with them. Marlene was always hard to get along with, at least to everyone other than Dan. I must be the reason for their break-up. He always says otherwise, but I don’t buy it. All I ever wanted for my younger brother was happiness.

July 21, 1989

Happy 11^th birthday, Katie! I miss her so much. I thought about calling her, but I know she wants nothing to do with me. I have made mistakes. I hope someday she can forgive me for what I’ve done. This journal is all about telling everyone everything there is to know about me. Soon I will be gone. I want both my beloved Katie and my wonderful son, RJ, to be happy. That is all I have ever wanted for them. Maybe someday they will understand.

It seems like yesterday I was taking Louise to the hospital. When she gave birth to Katie, I fell in love for the second time in my life. She will forever be my little girl, long after I leave this world. I am missing her life because of the choices that I have made. I feel so hollow. The winds of misfortune have brought misery into my now pathetic life. Some days, I wish this disease would hurry up and kill me.

July 22, 1989

There was a time when life was simple. I moved to New York City in 1970, and I never looked back. I knew I would never be able to be myself in Linn County, Kansas. I met lots of men and women to play with. I went to a different bar every night of the week, and I got lucky almost every night I went to a straight bar and every night I went to a gay bar. Sometimes I would go a gay bar if I was unsuccessful at a straight bar. I lived by my own rules, and I didn’t give a fuck what anybody else thought of it. My shadowy lifestyle gave me more freedom than I had ever imagined.

I’ll never forget my first orgy. I had gone to one of the bars in Greenwich Village. Back then, I was so busy getting high that I rarely remembered the names of the bars in which I was a patron. I met a man named Mick, and he was gorgeous. He had dark brown hair and hazel eyes that could pierce through your heart. He asked me if I would like to go to an orgy. I had never been to one so I told him that I definitely wanted to go. Once we arrived, we were snorting cocaine and poppers as if we had the end of the world’s supply.

This hot Latino unzipped my pants, and immediately got to work on my sucking my cock. Then, this delicious black man unzipped his pants and I started sucking him. There was fucking all around me. It was an incredible experience. He came in my mouth. It drove me over the edge, and soon my hot seed was filling that Latin stud’s mouth.

I lost track of how many times I came that night. I don’t even know how many men I fucked. Those were the simple days. Sure, I had to make a few trips to the doctor’s office for antibiotics, but HIV didn’t even exist. I could fuck whomever I wanted, any time I wanted. As for the later years after I married, my wife and I had an open relationship. She had all the pussy she wanted and I had all the cock and ass I wanted. It worked for us.

Then, my life changed drastically. People started dying, and soon I found myself in the same predicament. Now, I am in this room with the blinds closed. My brother is my only source of human contact. I’m surprised he doesn’t hate me like everyone else. Nobody else gives a fuck about me. Most of the time, I turn out the lights, not wanting a reminder that there is anything pleasant in this world like the sun. I’m consumed by anger, regret, and sadness. I have nothing to look forward to anymore. I’ve spent a great deal of my life in secret. Few know I even exist anymore. I am here and essentially all alone. With every passing moment a woman gives birth to a child. People are always celebrating a new milestone in their lives. Yet, I’m here slowly fading out of existence.

Sometimes I long for the touch of another human being. That’s something I’ll never have again. My brother takes care of me, but he’s afraid to even hug me. Why do I have to suffer like this? Yeah, maybe I had sex with way too many people, but I’m still a good person. People are too quick to judge people like me. It’s not like there aren’t any straight people out there fucking everything in sight. Yet, they don’t suffer for it. It’s so fucking unfair. They can fuck their brains out every fucking chance they get. I’m in this dark room dying a slow, painful death.

July 23, 1989

My Despisable Life

The days wriggle as I suffer in endless agony
No longer is my life a passionately burning flame
The tears help me fade into endless oblivion
Misery is the python around my neck

My repudiation for the world augments constantly
No longer do I feel adulation for inhabitants of Earth
Those who know not suffering I begrudge sincerely
I invoke ravishment in their inopportune annihilations

July 24, 1989

Sometimes, I want to die. I have nothing. I AM nothing. My brother tolerates me, but he actually begrudges me for being sick. I don’t blame him. I want it to end. I’ve given up hope for a cure. I am doomed to die much sooner than anyone ever should. Why does it have to be me? What did I do that was so terrible? I was being true to myself or so I thought. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, life never progresses the way a person wants it to. In my plan, I was supposed to grow old with Louise. We would watch our children grow up and have children; their children would have children too. Instead, I do not even have the privilege of seeing my own children graduate from high school.

Katie was a breath of fresh air. She was always what most people described as bubbly. I rarely saw her without a smile before Louise died. I took her smile away. I took away her joy. Katie will never forgive me. I don’t blame her. Maybe if I hadn’t made such poor choices, our family would be whole. Instead, this shadow hangs over our heads. Louise is gone, and I’m going to be joining her soon. I remember the glimmer in my daughter’s eye, the proof showing how vibrant she really was. Breaking her heart was my biggest mistake.

When she was five years old, Katie told me she wanted to be a nurse. She told me that all of the people in the hospital need me and that she wanted to make them feel better just like me and her mommy did for her when she didn’t feel well.

I told her to always follow her dreams, especially if her dreams involved helping others. I also told her not to let anyone tell her not to pursue all of her dreams. I still have little doubt my daughter will be successful in life. She will eventually bounce back from everything I have put her through. I know she will.

She promised not to forget and that she would make everyone else feel better including me. Ironically, for me there is no cure. In the future, they might discover a cure, but that will be long after I am dead and buried. I know she will make others feel better instead. She has some soul searching to do, but in the end, she will undoubtedly find peace and love. She has suffered losses no child should ever have to. Her mother died at such a young age. My days are numbered.

I took care of my children for two years after their mother died. My parents decided not to have anything to do with me or the children. I decided the best thing to do was to allow John and Mary, their maternal grandparents raise them. At least they wanted to have something to do with my children. I can remember the conversation as if it were yesterday.

Mary informed me that I was making the right decision by letting her have my children.

She said that I was a sinner and a bad influence on my own kids. She spoke of raising them as proper Christians, something I would never be. As much pain as it caused to hear those words from her, it felt like the truth. I had let my children down. How can they ever forgive me for what I have done? The answer is simple. They never will. I sit in this dark room typing away on my typewriter, hoping to die within a matter of days. Maybe I should help the process. I do have a gun in my closet.

July 25, 1989

Down in a Valley

Down in a valley with nowhere to go
On the inside I scream but nobody hears
My heart’s full of languishment but no one sees
Sorrowful is my soul with no end in sight

Down in the valley where darkness reigns
No one to adore me and no one to love
My heart is empty with nothing to quench it
Dying is my soul with no one to save it

Down in the valley no one can love you
Darkness consumes every inch of your soul
Your heart becomes a grotesque, ominous figure
Your joy is lost forever while others care not

Lost in the valley I know I will perish
Lost is my jubilation never to return
Lost is my heart which shattered into oblivion
Only death is welcome as life brings only misery

July 26, 1989

Sometimes I lie awake at night unable to shut off my mind. Thoughts of my past linger. I cannot find serenity even though I am close to death. My brother tells me to take a sleeping pill. I always end up telling him that I already have. Why doesn’t he understand? He’s mainly here in the evening. I am here with my nurse most of the day. She’s really nice to me. She’s actually kinda cute too. She has a nice body. If I wasn’t a death sentence to her, I would definitely show her what I really think of her!

Who am I kidding? No woman could ever compare to Louise. I remember the day we officially started dating. It was about two weeks after we met. We were actually walking through Central Park one balmy night in late June. The wind gently caressed Louise’s beautiful dark brown hair. Her lips called out to me. I could not resist. I reached around her head, gently stroking her hair as I kissed her gently on the lips. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. Her lips were made for my own. After that, we went to an Italian restaurant called Mario’s. People were staring at us, because we were feeding bites of lasagna and spaghetti to one another. We didn’t care at all. She was the center of my universe.

Our second date was awesome! We made out at the top of the Empire State Building. It was spectacular. I can remember seeing the entire city from there. It was truly amazing. The most amazing part was having my arms around the most beautiful woman I had ever seen in my entire life. We went back to my house and danced the night away. We made love for the first time that night, and it was one of the most memorable nights in my entire life. I was already so deeply in love with her. I still love her now. She was my precious flower. I could spend hours upon hours smelling her sweet skin, but like most beautiful yet delicate flowers, she has withered away.

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After that, my brother was too weak to post in his journal anymore. He died on Monday, August 18, 1989. He was born on August 15, 1951. At 38, he was so young and in his prime. After over 18 years, I still miss my brother more than words could ever describe. He was such a courageous man. I was the cowardly one. He mentioned my wife. I never knew that he blamed himself for the failure of my marriage. My marriage was a sham. I never told my brother. I figured he had enough to worry about with dying. There were so many times I wanted to tell him but never did.

One particular conversation strikes my memory in my brother’s later days when I took care of him. “Dan, why did you and Marlene get divorced? Was it because of me?”

“No Richard, it had nothing do with you,” was my reply.

“Dan, you don’t have to protect me. You can tell me anything. You know that, don’t you?”

“I’m telling you the truth, Richard. It had nothing to do with you whatsoever. We had been having problems for a long time. There was nothing I could do about it. She was not the right one for me. I would never have let you break us up anyway. You should know me better than that.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Richard. I will survive and so will Marlene. You are my only concern right now.”

“I don’t know what I would do without you, Danny.”

“You’d probably jump for joy if you didn’t have to put up with me.” We both laughed at my joke. It was probably the last time I ever heard my brother laugh. I still miss him so much. My biggest regret is never telling him the real reason why my marriage was a failure. The real reason was the fact that I’m gay. No, I didn’t even have the guts to tell my bisexual brother, but that is in the past. I am sure he would understand given the circumstances. I was the one who stayed in Kansas while he moved to New York City. Times were so much different then. I did not possess my brother’s courage.

As for Kate, she became a nurse for a while. Then she decided to become a physician. She and her brother, Richard Junior, are both physicians as a matter of fact. They run a successful family practice in Manhattan. They now understand what happened to their mom and dad. They no longer hate their father. They actually miss him as they should.

Kate is married to a wonderful man named Derrick Andrews. They have a beautiful son named Matthew. He just turned 5, and he looks a lot like his mother. That child is going to be a heartbreaker someday. They have a daughter named Natalie. She is two years old. She is busy child, always getting into trouble. We love her anyway.

Richard Junior is married to a lawyer named Marina. They just had their first child, Andrea. She is such a beautiful baby. I will see her again next month when I fly to New York City. As for me, I am madly in love with Curtis. We’ve been together for 15 years, and I intend to spend the rest of my life with him.