Wiederbeleben - 4. Weinachten

Having not seen us for months, my father called the first week of December and offered to have Jan and I stay in Switzerland for the two weeks before the commencement of our second term. We graciously accepted, and he booked a flight for the Friday night before Christmas.

After rushing us out the door, having spent the past hour scouring the house for Jan’s misplaced passport, Marie drove us out to John F. Kennedy Airport. With my parents being too occupied with work for us to take vacations, I had rarely flown before in my life, but Jan was well accustomed to international travel. Marie kissed us on the cheeks and we stepped out in front of the illuminated glass facade of Terminal 4, with only thirty minutes left before boarding.

By American standards, we were only “fashionably” late.

Jan grasped my hand as we agilely sprinted through the crowd to the check-in counter. My father had thoughtfully booked for us two first class seats next to each other, and thus we had the benefit of reduced screening. Even if his persona was apathetic, he was never reluctant to part with his money, especially when doting on my mother and me.

On the other hand, so much for American airport security. Jan’s Swiss Army knife went completely unnoticed by the primitive X-ray machinery.

We boarded a recently delivered Airbus A330 in the new Swiss livery that would fly nonstop to Zürich, where we would spend a few days exploring. We then planned to take the train to Interlaken to climb the Jungfrau, and finally make the trip to Geneva and fly back to New York.

“Weißt du was?” (You know what?)

“Was?” (What?)

“Dies ist das erste Mal seit ich acht Jahre alt war, dass ich wieder im Flugzeug bin.” (This is the first time since I was 8 years old, that I am on a plane again.)

“Wirklich?” (Really?)

“Ich fürchte, dass etwas Schreckliches passieren wird. Was wäre, wenn das Flugzeug wie der Air France Flug abstürzt?” (I’m afraid that something horrible will occur. What if the plane crashes, like the Air France [447] flight?)

The tragedy had made the front pages of every major newspaper nearly seven months ago, and not a single piece of the 240-tonne plane had been found. The passengers were presumably still lying amidst the bottom of the ocean, in the benthic zone inhabited by undiscovered creatures with remarkable adaptations to the utter lack of light. A true mystery of the 21st century, previously unimaginable to anyone who understood the breadth of aviation and radar technology.

Seeing that I was shivering, he gently lifted me into his seat, which was pleasantly wide enough for the both of us, and held me closely to his chest.

“Zumindest werden wir zusammen sein.” (At least we will be together.)

And so I remained next to my little furnace through the duration of the flight, interrupted only by the stewardess’ curious smile and a delectable, albeit microwave reheated, dinner. We landed in Zürich a half hour before nine, but unfortunately, the sky remained quite overcast, as if it were about to snow.

Although it was but my second time in Europe, I had retained my Swiss and French dual citizenship, while Jan had kept his German citizenship. After clearing customs, where we drew a few bemused glances with our displays of affection, we picked up our bags and walked towards the parking lot.

When I saw my father waiting at the exit, he appeared much more jovial than I had ever before seen. Was it perhaps my presence that depressed him so much?

“Bienvenue à Zurich, mes petits. J'espère que vous avez fait bon voyage?” (Welcome to Zurich. I trust you had an agreeable voyage?)

“Oui, merci pour avoir réservé les sièges.” (Yes, thank you for the seats.)

“C'était un montant insignifiant. Tout pour votre bonheur.” (It was an insignificant amount. All for your happiness.)

“Mais une seule était nécessaire.” (But only one was necessary.)

It was nice to hear his light-hearted laughter again. He had changed somehow ... clearly not his appearance, for he still donned in all black, incredibly trim formal attire, but the iciness of his voice to which I was so accustomed had been completely replaced by a deep sincerity.

Yet there were more revelations awaiting us.

After we exited to the front parking lot, he led us to a silver Maserati Quattroporte with brilliant platinum rims. It appeared newly purchased, likely within the past month. I stared intently at the marvel of automotive engineering, wondering what could possibly have caused such a large change in personality. He was the last person I would expect to flaunt a muscle car, especially considering his past loyalty to nondescript black sedans.

“C’est pas une crise de la quarantaine? Est-ce que tout va bien?” (This isn’t a midlife crisis? Is everything okay?)

Not that I would mind if he revealed a change in career to auto racing.

He gave an awkward smile and replied, “Non, mais j'ai beaucoup à expliquer.” (No, but I have a lot to explain.)

Jan and I eagerly climbed into the rear seats and soon discovered the back massage capabilities. He was even considerate enough to leave out a bowl of dark chocolate truffles in the console, which Jan and I fed to each other in a rather inappropriate manner.

The engine roared to a start, and we quickly sped down the Autobahn towards the city centre. The pleasant countryside soon gave way to the sights of Oerlikon and the Zürichsee.

For lunch, my father had reserved for us a table at Lindenhofkeller, a Michelin-starred French restaurant situated on a quaint footpath leading from the Lindenhof. It was certainly a nice change in environment from the constant noise of New York. We seated ourselves in the rear and ordered the tasting menu, as recommended by the maître d'hôtel.

I watched as my father quietly opened his briefcase and handed each of us a nondescript blue box. Jan and I turned to each other, then to him, with a questioning look.

“Ouvrez-les.”

I slowly lifted the lid, and gasped.

Inside each was an unspeakably beautiful Nomos Lambda watch in rosegold, lightly engraved with“Théo et Jan, toujours ensemble” on the backside, and paired with a soft, dark brown Horween leather band. My breath was drawn away for quite some time, not so much by the gift itself, but from his thoughtful generosity.

“I knew you fancied mine when you were younger, so I bought you your own. And since you two are still too young for rings, I bought Jan one as well. So I bid the both of you everlasting luck in your relationship.”

Even if he never displayed it through affection, he was indeed very observant.

… Had he just now acknowledged our relationship?

Our food was quickly set on the table; it was rather more exotic than I had imagined for traditional Swiss cuisine. All four courses were plated beautifully on white plates with gold trims; goose liver terrine as an amuse bouche, followed by main dishes of snow crab meat with scallops, spring rolls of rock lobster tempura, and mountain venison on black bread with gin and Spätzli. Likewise, there was a distinct “Swiss” flavor in each of the dishes, perhaps imparted by the specialty garnish and seasoning.

I relented. All of the dishes tasted more exquisite than even Marie could muster, albeit with the aid of a broader selection of ingredients than our neighborhood Gourmet Garage.

“Have you considered your long-term plans, in regards to further education?”

Jan and I looked at each other. “Yes, we have both conceded upon studying medicine.”

“In the States?”

“No, it is necessary for us to pursue our studies in Europe, if we plan on practicing in Switzerland.”

“You are aware that the system is quite different? Medical education is six years and commences directly after the termination of your secondary education, in place of a bachelors.”

“Yes, we have discussed it with Marie.”

“Regardless, I assume your marks are satisfactory?”

“Both our predicted Abitur scores are near 1,0. That should suffice for most institutions, even without supplementary distinctions.”

“If you are interested in applying to Zürich, I have a good relationship with the director of the medical faculty, and we would likely be able to make a suitable arrangement.”

“Truly? We would be ever so grateful … but of course, that would be agreeable.”

“In that case, it would please me if you two would consider an offer to move here this summer. The Matura is not very different from the Abitur, and a Swiss baccalaureate would be beneficial for the application process, which I understand is rather complex.”

Was he in earnest? I attempted to decipher his expression, but failed.

Seeing our reluctance, he took a deep breath.

“Jan, I have already spoken to your parents, who have both agreed with the sensibility of my proposal. And Théo, I have sincerely come to the realization that you are much more important to my emotional well-being than anything in my career. If you permit, it would be my pleasure to take the time to know you better, and to make up for the time that we lost.”

We were truly blessed to have such accepting parents.

Without a word, we both ran over to embrace him, causing a fierce blush to appear on his face.

“I … don’t know if I’m ready, but there’s one more surprise left,” he uttered.

I was surprised to see my father knock on the door of his apartment, and even more when a man of perhaps forty, my father’s age, opened it.

“Zurück so früh, François? Und ihr zwei müsst Jan und Théo sein. Ich heiße Johannes. Er hat mir viel über euch erzählt.” (Back so soon, François? And you two must be Jan and Théo. My name’s Johannes. He’s told me a lot about you.)

We shook hands and sat down on the living room sofa. Neither Jan nor I were completely certain of what we expected to happen next.

“I expect you two want an explanation?” He spoke almost reluctantly, like an adolescent coming out to his parents.

“Only if you feel comfortable.”

“Well, I have no desire to hide my situation any longer, so …” My father took a deep breath. “I am not certain how much you know about my childhood, if anything at all, so I will try to fill you in on as much as possible. I was raised in the west of France, near Nantes, in a religious, conservative household. Neither of my parents were college educated, and both were devout Roman Catholics. I always knew that I was only attracted to boys, but I dared not reveal that to my parents, especially because it was the eighties … and I was convinced, out of fear, and by their occasional crude remarks, to suppress my feelings. I mostly succeeded, with the underlying anger motivating me to concentrate on my studies, and I was soon able to get away from that petit trou de l’enfer, and to Paris. I had never travelled outside of the Loire valley; we were always too occupied with farm labour or too poor. And so it was a dream come true for me. Panthéon-Sorbonne, in fact, is where I met your mother. I convinced myself that it was my duty continue my bloodline, to have children, and so I managed to forget about my true desires. I was, perhaps, also captivated by her story; she had, like me, managed to escape from the grasp of her parents, who nearly forced her to stay in the south to inherit and run the family farm, which they viewed as paramount to a liberal education. We lived a mostly carefree life; we both had incredibly successful careers, mine in consulting and hers in finance, and we emigrated from France to distance ourselves from the past. But any feelings based on falseness cannot last. Your mother’s death was probably the catalyst of my breakdown. I felt myself suddenly freed of the obligation to put on a false masquerade of happiness, liberated to pursue my desires. But I felt guilty, and so I withdrew. I thought it would help if I got back to what I enjoyed in my youth - travelling - and so I found myself taking on ever more projects at work, anything that offered an opportunity to fly somewhere, anywhere.”

I noticed that he was nearly shaking, and that Johannes had placed his arm around his neck.

He continued.

“Two years ago, I was here in Zürich; it was the midnight before a conference with Crédit Suisse executives and I was unable to fall asleep - not because I was nervous, because I suddenly felt so … very lonely, lying on a cold bed, in a cold hotel room, in a cold, foreign city blanketed by snow. Almost like depression. For that, you must understand that I now comprehend how you must have felt all those years … Marcus told me everything. I’m so very sorry I did not notice. But regardless, I took a step outside of my hotel, in need for the night air, and I found myself inexplicably attracted to the cafe across the street … not by the neon lights, or because it was still somehow open so late in the night, but I saw him sitting outside, and I knew at once that we were one, in our suffering. He bought us two cups of warm tea, and we sat there for hours, talking until the sun was nearly up; it turned out that we were more similar than we would have liked to admit … he offered me an opportunity to join him whenever I was ready … but I ran away, scared of what might happen if I let down my guard. But when I saw you two embrace each other that night, all of those feelings from my youth came rushing back. In a bout of courage, I applied for and was offered the opportunity to relocate to Zürich; I found myself unable to resist my true feelings anymore, and so I accepted the promotion and ran to the opportunity to finally become my true self. I do admit, I was a bit selfish, but I felt better when I saw you two together ... I knew that I had made the right decision.”

He finally appeared calm again; I found Jan’s hand tightly grasping mine.

“Johannes and I married each other two weeks ago, Théo. Of course, it was a closed ceremony, as neither of us wanted to risk any damage to our careers. A large part of the country remains highly conservative, and legislation is, despite the direct democracy, slow in passing. But his parents know, Markus and Marie know, and now you know; I feel so much more joyous, now that I have no more secrets to keep. I hope that you can learn to accept and trust me again, and let me make up for my role as a father, for I promise to never again let you down as I had. I have learned to accept the miracles that have entered our lives … just know that if you had taken your life that night, I might have gone with you.”

Tears welled up in my eyes. He had cared, all along. How could I have been so cynical, doubtful of his character? After all, he was suffering in the same way I was, only for much longer … longer than I had been born.

I stood up and walked over to him, finally able to embrace him for who he was. “And I am ready to be your son.”

Both Jan and Johannes came over to join us in the embrace. Indeed, we had all finally found love … and family.

We stayed in for dinner that night; as it turned out, Johannes was a much more capable chef than anyone would have imagined.

“I expect you two know nothing about me, but I’m Johannes, originally from Bern, the de facto capital to the west. Switzerland is so adamant about upholding its neutrality and objectivity that there is no de jure capital, because that would be unfair to the other cities.”

I immediately took a liking to his strange humour.

“But that was some chance meeting with Francois two years ago. Even if I only managed to get his business card that night, there is always a certain chemistry between two closeted mecs who meet each other … I used to be one of those uptight and pompous businessmen with a monocle and a top hat who work twenty four hour days in a cubicle, and two years later, I’ve suddenly become a jolly old husband who occasionally takes part in gay pride parades … in a suit, of course. Not all gays are barbaric with their sense of fashion, in which you two clearly have a sensible taste.”

He had such a playful, energetic countertenor voice that perfectly contrasted the warmness of my father’s. I could almost imagine him singing Der Hölle Rache in a choir, perhaps with a bit of strain.
“Francois has not mentioned it, but there is an added perk if you do decide to join us in Zürich: I have multiple investment properties here and in London, and I’m sure you know how quickly the property values are appreciating nowadays. They are much more stable than biotechnology stocks with higher returns than index funds, should you happen to be interested in investing. However, I am in need of someone, or perhaps two, to take care of the properties, and I would not dare place them in the hands of someone whom I did not personally trust. And one of the properties just so happens to be a few streets away from the Universitatsspitäl, where you’ll likely find yourselves in two years time.”

We both gasped as he handed each of us a silver key.

“We can go take a look today, after we finish eating. It’s only four kilometers from here, anyways; if you accept my offer, then we can get it ready for when you move in.”

I was at a lack of words for their benevolence.

Finally, Jan broke the silence. “You cannot be serious! You two have been spoiling us ever since we arrived.”

“It’s not spoiling if we think you deserve it,” my father replied, smiling. “Think of it as an incentive for matriculation.”

The “house” Johannes had so briefly mentioned, almost in passing, turned out to be a three story villa. Although the outside facade, which was surrounded by neatly trimmed shrubs, appeared antiquated, it was still charming in its own sense, almost like a house one might find near the Alps. The interior had been completely renovated and retrofitted with a home automation system. It was indeed quite strange to observe the lights instantly illuminate themselves as we stepped through the door.

“I took the liberty to furnish most of the rooms for you this past week, after your father suggested to me this wonderful proposal. We had both hoped that you would accept - and trust me, the pleasure is wholly ours.”

“I don’t know how we can possibly repay you for this. You could make a fortune from the rental income alone.”

“What, renting to a complete stranger? And neither of us are or ever will be in need of any additional income. Truly, the sole reason why both of us are still working is that we feel a moral obligation to our respective companies, which have brought us so far in life - that’s what usually occurs when you allow yourself to become addicted to your occupation. So stop worrying about us and enjoy yourselves; your mere presence here is enough for us.”

Both of us embraced him with passion.

“I’ll leave you two here tonight so that we might both have some privacy … to enjoy ourselves, I dare say. Be sure to come over for breakfast tomorrow, though. There’s a coupe parked in the garage downstairs that Jan can drive. You won’t want to miss my cooking.”

“What time?”

“How about ten?”

“Yes, that’s fine.”

“Well, see you two then.”

He kissed each of us on the cheeks and left.

Jan and I turned to each other. “Everything is falling into place so nicely,” he whispered. “I cannot believe that any of this is real.”
“Well, I’m about to make it even more surreal.”

I handed him a bottle of lubricant I had discreetly purchased from the Apotheke in the airport. “We have been lovers for months now, and I want us to be able to trust each other completely. I owe all of my present happiness to you, Jan.”

“Are you positively certain? Do this only if you feel ready, and not for my sake. Our sake. Emotional attraction triumphs any gratification a physical relationship can provide.”

I nodded. “But you’ll have to teach me first,” I whispered.

“Don’t set your expectations too high. This is my first time too, with anybody. You are just as much my savior as I am yours.”

We quickly located the master bedroom on the second floor, and rapidly thrust ourselves onto the bed. Jan and I quickly pulled off our joggers and briefs, although I insisted that we keep our tops on because of the cold. He certainly appeared so adorable and soft in his timeworn, oversized light pink hoodie.

I remembered little of the next half hour, only that we both gained an understanding of what truly constitutes euphoria. It was everything I had imagined and much more - like cherry and sprinkles on top of an ice cream sundae. Or, perhaps, a bowl of strawberries and bleuets, considering our mutual health-oriented diets. When both of us were completely out of breath, we lay there, absolutely still, spooning each other. I shuddered as I felt his lips touch the back of my neck, stimulating the hairs with every kiss.

“I wish we could spend the rest of our lives like this, in each other’s comforts without a care in the world.”

“Why wish, when we can?”

“That’s what I cherish the most, Theo: your optimism towards everything. Well, other than planes, perhaps.”

“But you are the one who has fostered its growth, and who is always there to allay my fears.”