The Glance - 8. Chapter 8

The Glance – rev – 8

John glanced up nervously. What time was it? Again? He waited for the two Wardens, the senior lay officials of the parish, to come into his office. He was going to tell them. He didn’t know how it was going to go, but he was going to tell them. He’d thought it through with the bishop; first, tell the wardens, then the Vestry (the parish council), then the parish at large. So, tonight was the night to get it started.

There was a knock on the door, and then the wardens came in. He stood up and shook hands with both of them. “Come in, come in. Please sit down. I’ve something to tell you both before we meet with the rest of the Vestry.”

The two wardens looked at each other nervously. Was Father John going to tell them that he was leaving the parish? That’s what this kind of meeting usually meant.

“Guys, I want first to tell you that I’m not planning on leaving, so you can breathe more easily…at least I hope you can. Then, I want to share with you something about myself. “

He paused and took a deep breath. “Guys, I’m gay.”

He found that he was holding his breath, waiting for their response. What would they say?

Harry Gordon broke the silence first, as usual, “Father, that doesn’t come as too much of a surprise, to tell you the truth. And it doesn’t make too much difference to me. I guess I’m wondering why you decided to tell us that.”

John nodded his head in acknowledgement and turned to look at Roger, his other warden. “Roger … ?”

Roger looked at the floor, twisting his hands together, and then he looked up. “Well it comes as a surprise to me. I would never have guessed. I just don’t think about those kinds of things. I’m not too sure how to think about it now. And I wonder why you’re telling us now. Is there a problem we need to know about?”

John shook his head. “No, Roger, there’s no problem. I’m not doing anything with one of the kids in the parish, and I haven’t been caught by the cops doing something else.” A small, almost bitter smiled played across his face. “I’ve fallen in love. And I would like to be more open with you and the rest of the parish about who I am. I’m tired of hiding from you all.”

Both wardens looked at Father John with some surprise. “Oh …” escaped from Roger. Harry didn’t say anything at first, then, “Are congratulations in order, Father? Are there wedding bells in the offing?”
Roger looked confused, “But didn’t he just say that he was homosexual?”
Harry looked at his colleague with surprise, “Yes, he said he was gay, but gay people can fall in love, too, and even get into committed relationships.”

Roger just looked more confused. “I don’t know about all this. You’re my priest, Father John, but I just don’t know.” He shook his head again.

“Does the bishop know?”

“Yes. I told him a little while ago. And he knows that I planned on telling you and the vestry tonight.”

“Well, good for you, Father,” said Harry “Is there anything else we need to go over before the meeting? If not, then let’s go in.” He got up and started for the door.

“Roger, are you alright?” asked John.

“No, Father, I’m not. I just don’t know what to think about all this. And I don’t know what the rest of the vestry will think, either. This is going to be difficult for a lot of us.”

“I know, Roger, I know. I hope that we can work through this together.”

They all got up and walked out the door, going down the hall towards the meeting with the rest of the Vestry.

Father John shook hands with people as they came in, working the room just as he had done for so many years. He knew them all, had been in their homes, had counseled some, married others, baptized their children, knew some of their secrets. He just didn’t know how they would react to his news.

The meeting went on as they usually did. They read the minutes, heard the financial report, spent some time catching up with news and events around the parish and upcoming, and then moved into the formation part of the meeting, a time when they learned something new and worked on it. John had often led this part of the meeting in the past, and had decided to do that tonight.

“I want us to move towards something else right now. I had some news for the wardens earlier, and I wanted to share that with you, too. I’ve met someone who has become very important to me, and it’s time to let you in on it.” He paused, looking down at the table, and then looked up again, “There’s really no easy way to do this, so let me come right out with it. I’m gay, and the person I’ve met is another man.”

There was a kind of stunned silence around the table, several people looked at each other, some just looked right at him, smiling. One person immediately began clapping. “Well, congratulations, Father. I’m really happy for you. When do we get to meet the lucky man?”

“Thank you, Martha. I appreciate your support. I hope you’ll all get to meet him soon. But first, we need to check in with everyone else.” He looked around the room. “Anyone?”

Harry started, “As I told you in your office, I couldn’t be happier for you. Being the Rector of a large parish is very daunting and I’ve worried about you over the years not having someone to share that with. I’m glad you’ve found someone and I hope that it will work out well for both of you.”

“But,” began one of the others, “but, he said he was a homosexual. How can we have a sinner as the Rector of the church? How …”

Roger quickly interrupted, “Wait a minute! I’m not comfortable with this either. But we’re all sinners. Every priest we’ve ever had has been a sinner.” He looked around the room at the others, “Some of the sins we’ve all known about, and some we haven’t. So, while I have a lot of trouble with this, let’s not drag a red herring into this discussion.” Roger sighed deeply, “I’m not comfortable with this, at least not yet. I don’t think I know any homosexuals – at least not until now. I don’t know what to think about this. What does the Bible say, what does the Church say, what does the bishop think? Those are all questions which are running around my head. But I do know that Father John is the same person today as he was yesterday. Yesterday I would have trusted him with pretty much anything. He’s always been there for me and my family. Today, well he’s the same person and I can still trust him. It’s just that I now know him better than yesterday and I still need to work that out.”

“But he’s a homosexual and everyone knows about them … what about our kids? What …”

“Oh, for God’s sake, don’t drag that into this discussion!” Harry was getting up tight, “Father John has done more to support our youth program than any other priest we’ve had. The kids love him, and he loves them. I trusted him with my sons before, and I’m going to trust him still. This is crazy. He’s gay, not a pedophile!”

The conversation swirled on, going from one to another, sometimes two talking at the same time. John kept silent, letting them talk themselves out, watching and listening. He could see that some were going to have a lot of trouble with this, and that others would take it in stride. When he judged it right, he interrupted once again.

“I think the main decision for the Vestry, as a policy body, is to help me work out how to inform the rest of the parish. I want to remind us of our confidentiality commitment. This needs to stay in this room until we figure out how to tell everyone else. So, how should we do that?”

One of the vestry who had been quiet for most of the discussion looked up, “Father, let’s put our cards all on the table. Are you planning on staying on as Rector? Are you planning on having your lover move in with you?”

“The answer is yes to both those questions. We have talked about moving in together and making this a more permanent relationship. It’s still early for us, so we’re going to take it slow, but yes, that’s where we’re heading. And yes, I plan on staying on as Rector.”

“Father, this is going to be hard for this parish. Some people will leave; some will do it publically, some will just fade away. This is going to affect our budgets and our plans together as a parish. You’ve told us that the bishop knew you were going to tell us tonight. I assume that you’ve also discussed with the bishop the possible financial consequences of this decision.”

John nodded his head.

“So, our task as a vestry is to manage the news. Once you’ve said it, as you have tonight, you can’t put the cat back in the bag. So, how are we going to manage this for the best possible outcome?”

Silence fell over the group. Everyone was deep in thought, trying to move past their own personal responses and begin to think about the parish as a whole. How could they work through this with everyone else?

* * * * *

The incense clouds swirled around as he censed the Gospel Book; the choir and congregation chanted and into the momentary silence when they ended, he intoned,”The Holy Gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ according to John.” They responded, “Glory to you, Lord Christ.” He began to proclaim the Gospel, letting the words roll off his tongue, “…and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.” It sounded differently in his ear today, portentous, important, new. He finished the reading, “The Gospel of the Lord,” and turned back to return the Gospel book to its place on the altar as the congregation finished the Gospel Acclamation singing Alleluia’s all the while. It was time. He took his place in the pulpit, shuffled his papers, cleared his throat and began. He crossed himself as he said, “In the Name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Amen. Please be seated.” That phrase rang through his mind, “…the truth will make you free.” “Please, God,” he thought to himself, “let that be true today.”

“For years now, I have carried chains. Wherever I’ve walked, they have dragged behind me. Whoever I’ve talked with, they have weighed me down. However I sit, they pull at me and make me uncomfortable. And yet, I carry them. They’ve become a part of me, an uncomfortable and yet familiar part of me. Those chains are my secrets.

We’ve all got them, don’t we? The little secrets, the big secrets, the small things which we’ve forgotten, and the bigger things of which we’re always aware – our secrets. We go through life with them. They are the things we don’t want others to know about, or the things we’re afraid to trust others with. They’re the secrets we worry about, and think about, and hid from ourselves and others. And eventually, they’re the secrets which weight us down with chains. Too many secrets and eventually we’ll drown in our won secrecy, pulled under by the weight of them all.
You know what I mean. Each of us lives with our own secrets.

It was to that experience that Jesus spoke these words, “…you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”

Perhaps the most liberating experience any of us can have is to share something precious with another person, and to discover that person is a true friend. A friend is one who hears your secrets and holds them close, one who doesn’t judge your secrets but who can hear the pain that comes with them, and who bears that pain with you.

As we come to know and love Jesus, we let him into our hearts, we let him into the dark secrets, and discover that he loves us fully and completely, that he bears those secrets with us – and the burden is lifted, and we are free.

Today, I need to share a secret with you. One I have carried for my whole life, and one which I tell few people. It’s time to share it. It’s time to trust you. It’s time to be free.

Brothers and sisters, you’ve known me for a number of years now. I’ve been there at births, at weddings, at deaths. You’ve shared your secrets with me, and I have held them close. What you have not known is that in all those years that I have been your priest, I have been a gay man, too.”

John paused, struggling with himself. This was so hard, to open up this part of himself that he had hidden for so long, to become this vulnerable to all these people who were so precious to him. He drew in a breath to begin again and looked up. He’d been so drawn into himself that he hadn’t even noticed what was going on around him. As he looked up, he became aware of people standing up in the pews, of a noise that gradually grew louder and louder. They were clapping! Tears began pouring down his face as he looked at the congregation, his congregation, his people, his family and saw the love and appreciation in their eyes. Mouths moved silently as people said, “We love you,” back to him. The room rocked with affirmation and love. Slowly the sound died down and people took their seats again. John struggled to continue.

“I, uh, don’t really know what to say. I’m almost speechless! (Everyone laughed gently.) I’m not sure how to continue now.

I’m gay. There, I’ve said it. For years I’ve dreaded saying that, been terrified that someone would find out and that I’d be kicked out of the ministry. I love being a priest. I love being your priest. And so, I’ve denied a big part of myself in order to do that. But that’s meant I’ve been walking around dragging these chains. And I’m tired of carrying the weight of all that secrecy.

I know this won’t be easy for some of you. My door is always open. Please come and talk with me. Now you know the truth, too. Together, I hope we can be free.”

He descended from the pulpit and took his place as the congregation began to recite the Creed. One of his lay assistants, sitting beside him, reached over and squeezed his hand. He saw tears in her eyes as she smiled at him.

And the service carried on.