The Choice of a Cruise - 1. The Choice of a Cruise

The Choice of a Cruise

By Umbathri

“This is starting to get annoying Tad. Are you ever going to talk to him?” Joyce always knew the perfect time to interrupt my fantasies. Instead of being in the back of Marco’s truck, laying on a mound of blankets and pillows, slowly lifting his shirt over his head between kisses; I had to be brought back to reality. Watching him from our usual table across the food court, while he cut long strips of spiced lamb from the spit of a rotisserie oven. The Gyro King always did good business during the lunch rush.

“It’s a bit too crowded for me to just saunter over and profess my love to the guy.” I whispered with a sigh, knowing full well she wouldn’t buy it for a second.

She leaned across the table to punch me in the shoulder, hard. “You sap! You don’t need to tell him anything like that. But you do need to talk to him, or he’ll never know you’re alive!” I nodded to her absently, my eyes still locked on Marco as he dispensed change to a nice looking woman with her two young daughters in tow. She stood there talking to him, smiling and laughing. Even while her two girls wandered off towards the large multi tiered gumball machine structure in the middle of the food court, no doubt intent on ruining their appetites. Marco seemed interested, seemed to be flirting back, but he did that with everyone. Even to some of the guys, though not as openly of course. It was just part of being in food service, keep the customer happy. He was very good at it. Or was he really interested? It was so hard to tell, that radiant smile came so easily to his face.

“Have you said ten words to him since summer started?” She waited a full thirty seconds but I gave no reply. “Did you say ten words to him in the week before school ended? Did you even so much as say Hi to him at the Junior Prom?”

“You know I didn’t.”
“I know you didn’t.” We intoned at the same time.

“Well!? What are you going to do about it?” She almost screamed at me, while pulling her hair back into a ponytail with an oversized black scrunchie. The long brown was streaked with purple highlights with one lock darker then the rest in the front. I liked it better when it was red colored, it fit her fiery personality so well, but the purple did look good. Her face had a little plumpness to it like a twelve year old still with her baby fat, but the rest of her compact 5’6” frame was well shaped, even to a biased eye like mine.

As the woman walked away, Marco was left alone behind the counter. He took a moment scanning the seated, eating crowd. He even seemed to look over at Joyce and I for a good while before returning to his food preparation.

“Damn it Joyce, this isn’t exactly easy. I just don’t know how to talk to someone like him about something like this. I don’t have a clue how you knew I was… Or why you think he might be too.” She told me she knew before we ever went on our first date, and that it only took that one date to confirm it. That had been a year and a half ago, and she’s stuck around me ever since. I guess that’s all she wanted in the first place, a gay friend.

“It’s in the eyes Tad, they wander to all the right places, but at the wrong times.” With the twinkle in her eye I didn’t know if she was bullshiting me or not, some help she was.

“Just say how glad you are that schools over. Mention the cruise to Hawaii you’re going on next week and find out if he’s going on any vacations too. Find out if there’s a party anytime soon. Something, anything, you’re running out of time.” She was talking in a rush, like she was agitated, literally pointing her finger at me.

“Ya right, just tell him that I’m going on a fucking cruise with my mommy, that will go over well.”

“You don’t have to mention that. I’m sorry, I know you wanted me to go with, but the Rents just wont let me.” She didn’t sound sorry at all, something was bugging her.

For the first time since we came to lunch I gave her my undivided attention. “Ok, what’s wrong? You’re tripping out on something.”

“You’re not just running out of time, it may already be too late.” She sighed.

“How so?” I waited

She took a few moments, going over something in her head. But she was always quick, too damn quick. So she wasn’t going to tell me everything… “Marco told Bobby, who told Maria, who told…”

“Told what?” I interrupted. Whatever it was had come down the entire chick network, never a good sign.

“That Marco knows we sit over here every day watching him.”

To lust after someone you barely know was one thing, to suddenly have the object of that lust know about you is quite another. The world seemed to be going blurry. This couldn’t be happening to me, I’m not ready yet! “How could he, why… you… I need to get out of here!” I reached for my jacket pushing the tray of food away. I had barely pecked at it but now I wasn’t sure if I would ever eat again.

Suddenly she was sliding across the bench to sit next to me, my hand in hers “It’s me Tad, relax, breath. It’s me he thinks sits over here watching him, you just sit with me. At least that’s what he told Bobby. The way you stare at him, you have to wonder… but if he does he’s being very careful about it.”

I needed a moment to compose myself, and considering I was no longer trying to escape she gave me that time. I could feel the slow pulse from her hand, my own slowing down to match. Until I was finally able to understand, “So you’re the one that is watching him?”

“That’s what They say. In fact They want to know if I like him. They what to know if I’ll go to Robert’s party with him this weekend. They don’t seem to have a fucking clue.” She released my hand with a pat, but didn’t return to her seat.

“Then why the fuck did you scare me like that!”

“Cause you needed to wake up.”

I pushed her away gently down the bench, but she didn’t go far. She was smiling at me like the dunce I was. The bitch certainly seemed to have my number at every turn. “So he likes you?”

“They may think that I’m watching him and that I’m interested, but that doesn’t mean he’s interested in me. I still think you’re more his type then me. He’s just playing the game Tad. Don’t even try to tell me that if you found out a girl was watching you, or asking questions about you, that you wouldn’t at least give it a try to save face?”

Of course I couldn’t. I had hooked up with a couple girls in the past, and even gone to the Junior Prom with Hailey Parker just to appease my friends. I had been hoping to go with Joyce, but she made it abundantly clear that she had a date of her own and if I were going I would need to find one too.

Even so, I had spent more time talking with my friends or carefully watching Marco dance then doing anything with Hailey. It got so bad that my date and Joyce’s went out for a dance just to get away from us. I didn’t really care if any rumors started because of that. It was preferable that people thought I might still be hot for my ex-girlfriend, who I did still love to death, then to find out the truth.

“So what are you going to do, g… with him?” I mumbled.

“I told them I would not go to the party with him. But I would see him there and maybe we could talk. We will see him there, but you’re the one that’s going to talk to him.”

“I CAN’T!” I pleaded with her, in a whispered scream. The frustration almost making me tear up.

“You were able to talk to me just fine when we first started going out, what’s so different?”

“I don’t know I just get tongue tied whenever I’m around him. I didn’t turn into a blithering idiot around you.”

“Sure you did.” She laughed at me. “I just ignored it, cause I liked you.” She gave me her warm smile, whether she was being serious or joking, I knew she wasn’t lying. She did like me and I liked her more then she could know, but it would never be in the way she wanted me to.

“Look. You need to find a common interest, something you two can talk about. Sports, a book, a movie, or some guy you don’t like. But not girls, don’t talk about girls, it will put him on defensive, and you too. Don’t even think about getting into bed with him, put that completely out of your mind. You’re just trying to get him to open up to you.” I was starting to feel like a ten year old getting a lecture on the birds and the bees. I knew all that shit but it just didn’t seem to help, not when it was in relation to another guy.

I was getting more nervous the longer she went on. “Enough already. We need to get back to work.”

She looked down at her watch with a tisk, “Ok, lets go, but I’m going to call you tonight. Think about what you’re going to wear.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Exiting the food court we leisurely walked across the mall, keeping an eye out for any good-looking guys. One or two she would even point out to me, as if I hadn’t seen them myself. When we reached the Wal-Mart, where we were lucky enough to both get our summer jobs, we split up. She stayed below in the Men’s clothing department while I went up the escalator to electronics. For once I was glad I would be getting off before she did, so we wouldn’t have to continue that conversation until we talked on the phone later.

I worked the rest of my shift with a sense of dread hanging over me. I didn’t feel very much in a partying mood, but it was pointless to argue with Joyce, she always seemed to get her way. I had been going to fewer and fewer parties of late, since the taste of my friends had been changing. I didn’t mind a drink now and again, but the liquor seemed to be coming more often and in greater quantities. I even went so far as to push a few of my more enthusiastic friends away. To go to a party just to flirt with girls and hope they didn’t start flirting back was getting old fast. And trying to keep track of who had hooked up with whom how many times… I had even hooked up with a couple of those girls myself. Yet I wasn’t ready to flirt with anything else, the gay thing just wasn’t something anyone ever talked about. I didn’t know a single other gay person. The only other reason to go to those types of parties was to get wasted, which didn’t appeal to me very much either. You never know what might happen or what might slip out if you got too out of control.

I didn’t know Robert real well, but we traveled in the same circles. He was cool and popular, even though he didn’t play for any of the school teams. But because he hosted huge parties at his parents’ house several times a year. They knew all about it and even went away so he could have the entire house to himself. One of those ‘We’d rather he partied at home where its safe, then getting drunk somewhere else, getting into who knows what kind of trouble’ parent things. As long as he didn’t burn the place down and cleaned up after… Lucky dog.
I wouldn’t have a problem getting in; my crew had a standing invitation.

My mind was lost in its own little world, thinking about the party. Not in getting out of it exactly, but excuses to not do too much… So lost that I didn’t even notice Marco until he walked up to my counter carrying a couple CDs. “S’up Tad.”

He knew my name!
…Well of course he did, we were in two classes together last semester, duh. I had probably spent more time staring at the back of his head in Mrs. White’s class then looking at the teacher or the blackboard. Not that my grades had suffered much, I still did ok. But his hair was just so gorgeous, the jet-black bangs hanging almost to his chin, framing his eyes perfectly. Those hazel eyes so dark they looked red in the right lighting, and topped with his giant bushy black eyebrows. They almost met in the middle like a unibrow, but in a smoldering Mediterranean way. I don’t know if they are the kind of eyes you could ‘get lost in’ like I’ve read about, but they certainly did draw your attention with their fierceness. I didn’t much care for his soul patch; I would prefer a baby smooth chin that I could lick all over….

The shock was wearing off, not quickly enough but it was. “Marco.” I said quietly with a nod. Well shit, if he has been wondering through my section looking for CDs I could have been scoping him out this whole time! “Is this all you need?” I motioned to the CDs still in his hand, relying on the professionalism to keep the words flowing. I can get through this!

“Well there was one other but you don’t seem to have it at the moment.”

“Which? I’ll check if it’s in stock.”

“Don’t worry about it, I don’t think you’ve ever carried it, I’ve looked before. I’ll just have to get it elsewhere.” So he’s been in here before? Not that I can remember.

We stood there for a moment, neither speaking. I was about to ask for the CDs so I could ring him up when he blurted out, “Are you going to the party Saturday?”

“Ro… Robert’s?” I stammered. To which he nodded. “I was …thinking about it, yah.”

“Cool, I’ll see ya there then.” With that he turned and walked away. I almost stopped him to ring up his purchase, but I guess he had more shopping to do, or he could go to one of the front registers. But then why would he stop just to talk to me?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The night of the party came all too soon and I was resigned to my fate, I could make the most of it. I was decked out in my black baggies with a purple and red flannel over a burgundy tee. Even applied some gel to keep my curls in check. Joyce was impressed, which is saying something, cause usually that’s exactly what she’d do, say something, usually negative, about my choices. But tonight I was ‘perfect’.

Then we were off, in Joyce’s Honda Accord. With a stop to pick up Mark and Anthony, the usual suspects from school. We had been friends since kinder, but they were no longer near as close to me as I was to Joyce. I guess until I got up the nerve to tell them more about myself they would never be any closer. That distance between us had to be maintained.

We also stopped at a hole-in-the-wall liquor store. They would probably have a keg at the party, or at least several cases, but it was always polite to bring some extra. Mark looking the oldest went in to buy, not that it mattered the owner would sell to just about anyone. So we were packing a 40 each to get us started and a bottle of Jack for the pot. Joyce would be drinking too, just not that heavily. But we could always call for a ride or walk if we had to; it wasn’t that far.

We could hear the music from a block away, so we didn’t even bother looking for a closer parking spot, just pulled over and hoofed it. I cracked my 40 as we walked, I didn’t plan to get wasted, but that doesn’t mean I was afraid to drink. I wanted to get in the mood and loosen up. As we approached the music became clearer, some techno dance mix I didn’t recognize, but with some heavy drums in the background, prolly another radio going in the back of the house. The house wasn’t huge but much bigger then my place. There had to be 6 or 7 rooms upstairs. There was no one out in the front lawn, which was a good thing, usually when a party spills out into the street it’s more likely to get the cops called in.

Inside the furniture had been obviously pushed back and there were a good two dozen or more people dancing about. One half of the room glowed in a black-light while the other flashed from a red strobe. It wasn’t exactly rave worthy, but it did the job. Robert was dancing by the front door and greeted us as we passed. He was short and stocky, with a large strawberry colored birthmark around the left side of his mouth, reaching down to the chin. His brown shoulder length hair was unkempt and that combined with the strobe light and glazed eyes gave him a kind of wild man appearance, almost like a mini Leatherface. He was going all out even fostering the image with some ripped up dark corduroys and an old leather jacket.

Past the dance floor there were several couples making out on couches or in corners of the dinning and family rooms as we made our way to the kitchen, where we saw they did indeed have a keg. Leaving the bottle of Jack, and content with our 40’s for the moment, we went out the other side of the kitchen into a large den.

Around a large oval table were half a dozen guys playing dominos. The second radio was in here but pointing out a window into the large back yard where even more people were gathered in groups to smoke and talk. I recognized the old Slayer but couldn’t put a name to the song.

They were using a large set of dominoes that went all the way up to nine, more then double the number of a normal dominoes set. So many more then normal could have been playing. But Mark made a beeline out the back door to a large gathering with several of our other friends that were playing hacky under a floodlight. Joyce and Anthony stayed at the domino table but I followed along to the circle. I almost wish I hadn’t, I noticed a little too late that Marco was among them.

We set our beers on the wall next to the house where several others already were. Then I nodded to the crowd as it widened and Mark and I melted into place, without a pause in the action. Marco was dressed in simple blue jeans with his football jersey in the brown and teal school colors. He wasn’t the kind of guy that would wear it to school all the time, but I guess since football practices would start before school officially began, he was trying to get in the mood. Or had they already started? I had played football my freshmen year, but quit after that because I couldn’t stand the fucking coach. Marco hadn’t gone to our school then yet; if he had I might have been less likely to quit!

I wasn’t a hacky star like Mark, but I could hold my own, usually. But I seemed to be making more mistakes then usual, probably because Marco was passing it to me every time he got ahold of it. Well he was good and quick on his feet, but that didn’t tell me if he was gay or not… dammit.

As the music on the stereo changed to ‘Hotel California’, Mark pulled out a joint and started to light it up. Then it seemed by unspoken agreement the game stopped, the hacky grabbed mid-air and pocketed. It was a large circle by then, easily 15 people around, so the joint would never make it around more then once. But that problem was solved quickly enough as two other lighters flickered across the void, one a honey blunt by the smell. I only took a couple small drags before stepping back out of the circle. None seemed to mind as the ranks closed up without me, all the more for them.

After that the hack circle broke up for a while, many going inside for drink refills. It would undoubtedly pick up again later but, even among us longhairs, no one goes to a party just to hack all night. I wandered the party for a good while, chatting as needed, but trying to stick to myself. Try as I might I could never seem to catch Marco alone. I was starting to feel like a satellite orbiting around him, never getting close but always within sight. I still wasn’t sure what to say to him, but something had to come out or I’d go insane.

I was cornered a couple times by Hailey Parker, who didn’t seem to understand that we were never really a couple after our attempt at a junior prom date. I hated when I had to push them away, why couldn’t she just get it? I certainly never lead her on, but she was one of those types that just saw what she wanted I guess.

After my most recent escape from Hailey, I retreated to the kitchen for a Jack and Coke refill. Then set to reacquire my target. He was sitting in a quite corner with Joyce, and I almost joined them, but considering her pushy attitude recently I went outside for a smoke instead. It was definitely turning out to be a long night, too much on my clouded mind to have any real fun.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I didn’t have long to wait as Joyce followed out behind me, “Well since you can’t seem to make a move on your own, I decided to take matters into my own hands.”

“What did you do?” I replied coldly, my heart launching into my throat.

“It seems Macro is at least partially interested in me, we’ve been talking inside. Well more then just talking, he’s not a bad kisser.”

I turned from her as a strangled sound I couldn’t quite rein in, escaped. She could be a bit free with whom she chose to pursue, but I never expected she’d hone in on the one guy I liked. But then again she was right, I was too much of a coward to even try. Nope that doesn’t help… it still hurt like a bitch.

“It’s not like that, I was just getting a feel for him,” she laughed. “You know what he’s like and what he’s into. I asked him what he thought about you.” She leaned in closer then stepped to the other side of me to distance us from someone who had come out of the house for a smoke and got a little too close. There were plenty of people smoking inside but some still had enough courtesy to go outside when they needed to, plus it’s a chance to get away from the crowd. That’s why I came out. “He said you were a friend and that you were cool.”

“He did? But we barely know each other.”

“That’s what I’m saying, I think he likes you more then you know.” Her voice was quieting down to a whisper, “Here’s what were going to do. While we were talking I also asked him if he’d ever been in a 3-way.” She paused as if expecting me to say something but the words escaped me, so I just took another long drag off my cig. “So I told him I had always wanted to be in one.”

My eyes bugged at the huge grin on her face, “So he…”

“He’s waiting upstairs for us.”

“WHAT?! No, no no no no …your crazy!” Several heads turned at my outburst, but nothing could deter Joyce.

“Ok you haven’t been drinking enough,” she said tapping the glass of Jack and Coke in my hand. “You should be jumping at the chance to be in the same room with him, naked! Even if I do have to be in there to referee.” I could only stare at her blankly, it seemed preposterous. “By the way, I didn’t exactly tell him who, or what, would be joining us. So when you get in there act as surprised as him about the situation. I bet he’ll go ahead with it no problem.”

She nudged me in the ribs and actually took the drink out of my hand and held it up to my lips. I gabbed it back forcefully, but downed the last of it to satisfy her. “You’re going to be the death of me Joy. Oh, but what a way to go.” I did a mock curtsy and motioned for her to proceed me. I tailed through the back door to the crowded den, then through the dinning room to the main stairwell. As we went I couldn’t help but wonder if she had found some ecstasy floating around at the party. It wasn’t common, but then it wasn’t unheard of either.

It had been a while but it wasn’t the first time I had been with Joyce. Shortly after she forced open my closet door, she decided to crawl inside it with me for a night, to try converting me. It had definitely been interesting, but not life altering, as it were.

“A couple of the bedrooms were already taken,” She said over her shoulder, “Macro is holding one for us while I went for you.” I had a feeling Robert’s parents’ room would be locked tight, but Robert’s, his sister’s, as well as both spare bedrooms would be available for use. Sure enough as we breached the second floor and turned a corner Macro was leaning against the frame of an open doorway. I stopped dead in my tracks. His brow creased in a frown that didn’t touch his lips at the sight of me. Surprise and worry, but not exactly disappointment it seemed to me.

Joyce nodded towards the room and Marco headed in, then she turned to where I had stopped. After a brief moment scanning the hallway to make sure it was empty, she slapped me soundly across the face, “FOCUS!” Then she pulled me along into what appeared to be one of the spare rooms, considering the sparse furniture and lack of personal adornments.

I closed and locked the door as Joyce crossed the room to ruffle Macro’s hair and plant a kiss on his forehead, then reached down to lift his jersey up. Despite the surge of jealousy I remained unmoving at the door. Until she turned to motion me forward, to which I complied. I was grabbed by the front of the shirt, and a kiss planted firmly on my lips. Maybe I was more into guys then girls but it didn’t take much to move me, and she knew how. As she pushed me down to the bed my arms snaked around her waist, then Marco was pushed down right next to me.

As Joyce extricated herself and moved towards the adjoining bathroom we were left sitting there side by side on the edge of the bed. “You boys get ready, I’ll be back in just a moment.” Then she was gone, leaving us both hot and bothered, and alone…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I should have known it would be you. Have you two been screwing around the whole time since you broke up last year?” I could only shake my head, not daring to speak, as Marco stood to pull his pants down, his maroon briefs, heavily dented, staring me in the face, or vice versa… He folded the pants haphazardly over the arm of a chair, then laid down on the bed watching me. “Look I know your nervous, so am I. Just stick to your side and we’ll have a good time.”

Nervous?! He was laying there in his briefs, his semi clearly visible, smiling up at me, and it was a hell of a lot more then just a friendly smile. It could only be described as a sexual leer. I was beyond nervous! Mechanically I took off my flannel and shirt, purposefully taking my eyes off him. Of course they fell to the floor, how could Joyce leave us alone like this?

My shoes of course! I started to take them off as slowly as I could. I glanced up once and Marco was still looking over in my direction. He quickly shifted away, to stare at the bathroom door, behind which I’m sure Joyce was laughing it up at her big joke on us…

I was waiting there holding my breath when I felt a finger glaze along my side. I almost jumped out of my skin; MARCO TOUCHED ME!! When I turned he was sitting up and staring at my back, his hand again reaching forward. “Where did you get all these?”

Oh Shit! “It… it was a …reef, while sur…surfing.” His eyes drilled into mine as the old lie came haltingly to my lips. Luckily only a few of those remembrances of my bastard father were deep enough to leave enduring scars. Not even Joyce knew the full story on that score.

“I’m not much of a surfer, so I’ve wiped out more then a few times, nothing like this though.” My whole body shivered as he laid his palm on my shoulder, then carefully drew it down to my waist, caressing the furrowed skin. Even after my body stopped shivering my throat continued, was I purring?! Oh my god, I wanted him to touch me again!

Just when I was thinking maybe I wouldn’t need Joyce, she returned. Sweeping into the room like a queen, and crawling onto the bed still fully clothed. “A little help?” She motioned to her clothing, and we were quick to comply.

Once she was bare, Marco took a breast in hand then leaned forward to nuzzle her neck. I was content to sit back and watch but Joyce had other notions, as I felt a tug at my jeans. She didn’t have much leverage so I went ahead and pulled away, stripping down. I rejoined the fray from a different angle, my head settling between her legs. The view of Marco on his side, with little Marcitto straining to break free from his waistband, made it taste all the better.

Eventually Marco stood, peeling down his shorts and the monster came into full view. It wasn’t huge but definitely an eye full. The matted black hair was a striking contrast to the whiter then expected skin below. He could use with some nude sun bathing, I’d have to make a point of suggesting that later. I even had the perfect sun dick… err I mean deck, for him to use.

Marco came around behind me and with a nudge took over my place. Unfortunately he seemed to be paying me little mind. I retreated back into Joyce’s arms.

As I was lying beside Joyce, her hands were all over me. I turned from kissing her to watch as Marco prepared a condom, I guess he was eager for the main event. He crawled above her positioning for entry. All three of us gasped at the same time, them from the pleasure of joining, and me well because Joyce had me in hand at the time and the Kong fu grip action was fierce.

As he was just getting into the groove, Marco’s hand found its way to the small of my back. Maybe he just needed some stability and I was close at hand or the psychical contact was acceptable given the circumstances. Either way I found myself melting closer to him, slowly rising away from Joyce’s side. I wanted to smell the sweat that was starting to coalesce; I wanted to feel the rippling muscles at work. Hell I wanted to be in Joyce’s place, I knew it would hurt, but I would welcome that pain.

With a sudden inspiration I pulled Joyce’s hands up with me and placed them on his chest where she grabbed on tight. Then carefully kissed along her shoulder, down her arm towards Marco. As I nuzzled all the way into his neck, his hand was still on my back now caressing with an intensity. When it dipped down scraping the top of my butt I looked up at him, he was facing me now not her, a look I could only describe as fascination and approval there. My heart leapt from that look, and I couldn’t hold back any longer, I leaned forward and our lips met flawlessly. I twisted and ground into him, both lip and body. No kiss with a girl had ever moved me so, my head going light and not just from the drink!

Now almost five years later, I finally know what that first kiss should have felt like! That first kiss with Amy Pesdeck in her back yard, with others looking on, I don’t even remember who all was there. But I can see her face so clearly now with stars in her eyes, the whole face morphing into that of Marco, or as he would appear at 12 years old. I don’t even know where she is anymore, she must have moved away, but I didn’t care I am here now with Marco.

I pulled back to a look of utter horror upon him. All motion had stopped except his head, turning back and forth between Joyce and I, sputtering. I fell back off the bed and pain exploded in my face as a meaty hand connected. The shout sounded like an echo from down a long dark hallway, “Don’t touch me you FAGGOT!”

As the fog cleared I could see Joyce somehow holding an irate football player at bay. I grabbed my pants, pulling them up, as she tackled him to the ground. I also made a grab for my shirt as I bolted out of the room. A naked Joyce followed me as far as the top of the stairs, but I ran on, leaving the curses of Marco, as well as my shoes and underwear, behind. Many heads turned as I pushed my way out the front door and jogged away down the street.

It was several blocks before I slowed. Finally taking the time to look at the shirt in my hands, I found it to be Marco’s jersey, but put it on anyways. His smell filling me with shame and dread now, rather then lust.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The walk home was long and cold. I was watching, waiting for it, for when I would see headlights coming down the deserted suburb streets. It might have been Marco’s truck piled full of his buddies intent on finding me so they could beat me to a bloody pulp. Or it could have been Joyce just hoping to make sure I got home safe. I didn’t want either, the moment I saw any car I was off the road and hiding in the bushes, till it was well and past.

Finally reaching my house I saw the porch light was out, which was unusual. The entire house looked uninviting. I knew Moms would be asleep, it was just past midnight, but I didn’t want to go in yet. I took a seat, not on the porch loveseat, but on the cold concrete of the front stoop. The cold shadows were where I belonged. I couldn’t understand how I could feel so full, of emptiness! My arms and legs tingled and felt almost weightless, while my stomach seemed to be made of lead. No there was something in there not made of lead, something moving, and it was no butterfly. More like a giant rat had taken up residence. Clawing and thrashing with each thought of my future.

You work so hard to keep that one piece of you away from all your friends. Not because you have to, but because you want to. It’s just easier that way, easier and safer. It’s going to get out now, their all going to find out. I could stand to lose most of them if that’s what it came to, even when they were around I still felt somewhat alone. But what I surely didn’t need was the enemies that would come swarming in like flies to a midden. How many of my former friends would be among them? Surely Marco would be. Joyce had been a special case, and I’m glad she figured it out. But I had no doubt that she was one in a million, none of the others would take it so well.

First my cell phone ringed, which I turned off without a glance. Then a few moments later the phone inside, it was obvious who it was, but it was all her fault. ‘Everything will be alright Tad, I swear.’ I already knew her hollow words; I didn’t need to hear the lies from her lips.

Only one thought got me up and moving into the house, oblivion. Courtesy of the sleeping pills I had hidden in my closet. I wouldn’t take the whole bottle, not yet at least, just two or three, no five. Aye five is the perfect number.

I shuffled through the dark house, not bothering to turn on a light. Reaching behind my old football helmet in the back of the closet I pulled the bottle down. It had been waiting there for two years. Awaiting the day it was needed. Not that I though about it all the time… but then who doesn’t once in a while?

I twisted the bottle open with such force that the pills went showering to the floor. With a curse I turned on the light and knelt down to fish around in my pile of dirty laundry till I found five of the pills, then swallowed them down.

I curled up right there on my small pile of dirty clothes. I didn’t remember crying but my face felt wet so I ground it into the pile to wipe it dry. Then I stuck a finger under the closet door, pulling it closed. I almost felt safe for a moment in my black hole. Eventually the rat quieted down enough for the pills and exhaustion to pull me under.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning passed by without me. It was late afternoon before I crawled out into the world. My stomach passenger was still there however, and asserted himself violently when I heard the phone ring.

“Tad? It’s Joyce again for you.”

I flowed out of my room like a slug. “Tell her I’ll call her back later.” I declared heading into the bathroom. With a frown she turned back to the phone, any words lost in the distance. But the report of the receiver hitting the base told me they didn’t talk long.

When she was back in the kitchen I walked right over to the phone and unplugged it. Moms had her own cell phone and made 99% of her calls on it anyway. She would even call from her cell to check the messages. The only reason to have the house phone at all was to answer incoming calls, which there would be no more of until we left. So she would never know I didn’t call Joyce back, and I wasn’t planning to. Besides someone else might just decide to call and leave nasty messages, I would have to start getting used to such, now that I was to be a pariah.

The rest of the day, in fact the rest of the week, I was in a funk. I never left the house. I wasn’t planning to continue working for Wal-Mart after returning from the cruise anyway, so I just quit early and didn’t go in that last week. I didn’t want to face Joyce, and I sure didn’t want to face Marco. Hell dozens of other people knew they could find me there, but no longer. Someone did come to knock on the door a couple times, hopefully it was only Joyce, but I didn’t answer it either way.

I checked my cell messages at the end of the week, just listening to them long enough to find out whom it was from, then they were tossed in the saved file. I’d listen to them later if ever. There were no less then thirteen from Joyce, a very auspicious number. Two were from Mark, five from Anthony, three from Hailey, and several others I barely recognized. Luckily none from Marco, but then I doubt he had my number anyways. Yup it was getting around nice and quickly. Soon I would be far away. We’d be leaving early the next morning to drive into LA to catch the ship, and then I would be out of the country.

That morning I packed with a slowness. Not really interested in going on the cruise anymore. But then I didn’t want to stay here either. In with the clothes went three books. Yah, I’d be doing a lot of reading alone in my cabin… Then I dragged the large backpack down the stairs and deposited it by the door.

“You really need to stop moping around Honey. Are you ready to tell me what’s wrong yet?” Came the voice from behind me. I turned to display what I hoped was a sufficiently cold stare then moved to walk around her. “Going to miss your friends that much while you’re gone? I’m sure they’ll be waiting for you when you get back.”

I couldn’t hold in the sarcastic laugh that bubbled out of me, shaking my head at her disapproving frown. “Yes Mother that must be it, thanks for making me feel so much better.”

She continued to prod me for information as we ate breakfast and prepared to leave, but I wouldn’t give. Telling her would just be another worry I didn’t want to have to face at the moment. But before school started, surly she would have to know, because the shit was really going to hit the fan and she had a right to know why. Maybe while we were on the cruise. I didn’t even know if we would be sharing a cabin or not, I’d have to ask.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As we walked out to the car I was in for a surprise. Joyce was waiting at the curb sitting in the front seat of her coupe, she didn’t wave me over or even look in my direction, and she didn’t need to. I knew I couldn’t ignore her any longer. “I’ll just be a moment,” I said depositing my backpack by mother’s mini van.

As I got in Joyce’s front seat, she sighed and took a long drink from a coffee cup before speaking. “Macro won’t talk to me either, but I really don’t think it’s as bad as you think. I haven’t heard a peep about it yet from anyone.”

That was a relief, she would know, but the world would come crashing down soon enough, I had no doubt. “I thought he was pretty clear about his stance on the subject. When school picks back up it will be all over.”

“Well then you need to deal with it not hide from it! What would Mark do?”

“Mark wouldn’t want to deal with shit like this either, and he wouldn’t have to, he’s not …like me.”

“Well if he was, he would beat the shit out of Marco before he even had a chance to spread any rumors. Then if they did start up, we could just deny and chalk it up to a bullshit revenge thing from a coward who got his ass beat.” The week of ignoring her must have brought out a good amount of tension, she was more aggressive then usual. Though she did have a mean streak to rival even Mark’s.

In the past that might have been the way I handled it too, but now that just seemed completely wrong. There was something wrong with me, not Marco, he didn’t deserve that. He had a reason to be upset; it was justified because it was all my fault. I wasn’t even sure I could muster up the strength to stop him if he came for my blood.

“You know I love you right? And more then just a friend, I would never leave you to flounder no matter how hard it gets. I’m sure Mark and Anthony will be ok with it too. I actually already asked them about it a couple months ago. Not about you but about a cousin I have that is gay. He might have been visiting and spending some time with us this summer.”

I should have seen that coming, it’s just the kind of thing she would pull, “You don’t have any gay cousins though do you?”

“Well I could… But I have not seen any of them in years, so I have no clue.”

“I’m sure the answer you got from them was just what you wanted to hear, considering it’s your family they would try to be nice to him in front of you. But it would be ‘keep the freak away from me’ when your not around. At best.”

“That’s not how it was at all,” she huffed at me.

“Not even you can see everything Joy.” As I realized I had used her pet name, I guess I had already decided to forgive her. Or did she even need forgiving, she had just steered me in the direction of Marco, which I wanted to explore anyway. I was the one that had fucked it up; I was the one that was a freak. “I’ll see you when we get back.”

“Don’t keep shutting me out Tad, you have to promise me that.” I simply nodded as she pulled me into a hug. I didn’t return the hug, but let it happen.

As she pulled back she pounded a finger on my forehead, “Get your head strait before you come back!” Then I was out and she was pulling away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The drive in to L.A. would take a little over an hour and I was expecting it to be in silence. Mother had other notions, “Thaddeus darling, whoever he is, he wasn’t good enough for you anyways.”

I nodded absently out the window for a moment, before turning towards her sputtering, “What!?”

“Oh you heard me.” With a smug smile she waited for me.

“Did Joyce tell you? I told her not to tell anyone ever!”

“So Joyce knows? It’s a good thing you were able to find someone to confide in, since it obviously wasn’t me. I’ve always known Tad, probably longer then you have. You are my son.”

Just when I thought I was almost getting over it, now Mother had a curve ball to hit me in the face with. The road passed by for a while, but against my better judgment I continued on, “No I didn’t tell Joyce, she kinda figured it out on her own, I’d never tell anyone.”

“You have to tell someone sometime, dear. You can’t just keep something like that bottled up inside forever, it will eat away at you.”

“It’s eating away at me whether people know or not,” I wept. “I don’t want to be this way, I don’t!” While still driving she reached over to put an arm around my shoulder but I pulled back towards the door. Ready to open and jump if I had to.

“You are who you are, no reason to be anyone else. I’m still your mother and you’re still my son.”

In a perfect world maybe, but things had changed, whether she could see that or not. I was no longer her son I was her gay son. I was something I didn’t even really want to be. But commenting on any of that would not help my case, so I remained silent.

“So who is he, do I know him?”

“No. He’s just a guy from school.”

“And he obviously didn’t take it well considering that shiner you didn’t even try to hide.”

“You could say that.”

“It’s not the end of the world, just pick yourself up and move on.”

“But Mom he knows! Next year at school I’m sure he’ll be telling everyone, my life will be over!” How could she not see that? “Can’t we move?”

“We most certainly cannot, you put that right out of your mind. Whatever happens we will deal with it.”

“But I don’t want to deal with it, I’m not ready for everyone to know. I don’t think I ever would be.”

“Obviously you need to be comfortable with yourself before you can be comfortable with others knowing that part of you. All the better that I bought an extra ticket, you need to make a choice Tad.”

I choked back a sob and looked over at her, “Another ticket? I don’t really wanna go anymore, if you wanted to take someone else go ahead. Maybe I should just stay home and be by myself.”

“Your going Tad. The other ticket is also for you, you need to decide if your going with me, or going by yourself on a completely different cruise, there are at least two leaving today.” She reached into the camera bag at her feet, and pulled out a small envelope and handed it over to me. Inside was a ticket to Acapulco, with an all-gay cruise!

“What the FUCK!” She could not possibly be serious…

“Language! Like I said, I’ve always known Tad. I was hoping to talk to you about this a week ago to give you time to decide, but you made it clear you didn’t want to talk to me about anything.”

I just nodded staring at the ticket. “Go by myself? I don’t think so, I’m fine going with you to Hawaii.”

“That’s great,” she said grabbing the ticket from my hands and placing it right in front of me on the dashboard. “It will be great having you around. You don’t cramp my style I won’t cramp yours. I’m hoping to meet a dashing young man out there over the waves.”

We lapsed into silence, while my mind raced. She wanted to meet a young man… was I ever going to fall in love, with a young man or otherwise. Sure I had been with a few girls, but I had no doubts about what I preferred. But could I really even call myself gay until I’ve been with a guy?

She must have ordered that ticket weeks if not months in advance. Me on an all-gay cruise? I wouldn’t know what to do or where to begin.

But I don’t know a single other gay person, I almost thought I did but that certainly didn’t turn out well. It would be nice to meet a few and get to know them. It’s not like I had a hard time meeting people, well besides Marco… and I wouldn’t have to pretend, I could be myself. Who am I though? I’ve never let me be anything but the hard-nosed stoner I portray myself as. Am I something different, do I want to be something different?

The edge of the ticket started to lift from the rushing air of my open window. I quickly slapped it down and rolled the window up, placing the ticket back in its place.

What was I going to do on a cruise to Hawaii, sharing a room with my mother? Probably spend all my time on the deck reading, catching the rays, or swimming. There would be girls everywhere and more then a few good-looking boys to watch. But is that all it would be, eye candy? Would I actually be able to approach a couple of those guys? It would certainly be a lot easier and safer on the trip to Acapulco. But then again I would be alone there, surrounded by what could be just a bunch of dirty old men.

Well, my life seemed to be turning to shit lately. Could it really get much worse? Maybe living it up before school started was just what I needed.

“Regret?”

Her voice pulled me out of a daze, I had been staring at the ticket, and I guess she’d noticed, “Maybe a little.”

“That’s how you know you picked the wrong one.”

We pulled into a parking structure where a machine punched out a ticket that would say how much we owed when we left. Across the way I could see the tall stern of a cruise liner. Wait, we were here already!! “You will actually get back a few hours before me, but you have your own key so you can put your luggage in the van. Then wait here for me or go to the Sheridan just up the block and wait in the lounge, get some food, whatever. I’ll call you on the cell when I’m here.” She grabbed the ticket, slid it back in its envelope, and held it out for me to take.

Just like that it was decided, she already knew? “Ok,” was all I could muster as I accepted it. She smiled at me and I couldn’t help but smile back, just a little.

“Oh and if anyone asks your 18.” She said pushing me on the shoulder to get out. She was actually telling me to lie! I was embarrassed and proud at the same time.

They did check my ID as we checked in, but since I was with a parent, my age didn’t really matter. Little did they realize we would be getting on different ships, I hope they wouldn’t be checking again when I boarded.

My goodbye was brief. It still felt very awkward with her knowing, it would take time to get used to it. Though I did force myself to return the hug, before we went our separate ways. If all the women in my life were going to be so overbearing then its no wonder I was gay.

The Saffron was the closer of the two large vessels down the same dock, so mother waited below, waving up to me, as I climbed the gangplank. There were two men at the top of the ramp one checking tickets the other was passing out rainbow colored lays. They were probably the same lays being passed out on the Hawaiian cruise, but with a very obvious different connotation. The first man took my ticket without comment, stamped it and pointed to the map on the wall where my cabin was located.

“Aren’t you a bit young to be on a cruise like this all alone?” Came from the second man as the lay was placed about my shoulders. He was in his mid 30’s, not bad looking, with a wavy surfer hairdo.

“I’m older then I look.” I said looking up at him; no I looked him up and down. I was checking him out right where he could see! He could not have missed it.

“How old?” He said with a leer.

“Well I’m not jail bait,” I lied cleanly; at least I hope I did. “But I’m also not interested in you.”

“Ha, you tease. You’ll fit in well here.” Then he was brushing me off towards the elevators.

As I climbed into the bowels of the ship I saw a wide array of passengers. Some normal enough looking, while some were truly eye jarring. One man I passed was wearing leather chaps with the ass cut out, and nothing underneath! Another had a giant rainbow colored clowns wig. There were definitely going to be some freaks about I would need to keep an eye on, but not necessarily avoid.

As I found my cabin and went inside, I was in for another shock. I had a roommate. His stuff was on one of the two beds but he had obviously stepped out. Though I doubt he had gone far.

This is going to be a very interesting cruise… First thing I need is to find someone to buy me a drink!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ © 2006 Umbathri

That’s all the insanity I can muster for now. If you have any questions or comment feel free to discuss this story, or send an e-mail to umbathri@sbcglobal.net. Even flames are welcome - I’d be happy to point and laugh at you.