Jacob Matthews - 3. Chapter 3

I woke with a start at the sound of the front door slamming. I realised at once that I must have passed out, fully clothed – shoes and all, on top of half a pile of clean clothes which were now strewn across the bed.

“Nick, can you give me a hand with the groceries!” yelled mum, unaware of the current state I was in. Not responding wasn’t an option. I couldn’t leave her request unanswered, as that was one certain way to have her come into my room and find me. I couldn’t begin to imagine what would happen if she found me like this.

“Coming” I shakily answered back, hoping that she couldn’t hear the turmoil in my voice. I took three deep breaths to steady myself, and try to compose myself enough to not raise suspicion with mum, as she was surprisingly astute when it came to things like this.

I made sure to fix my dishevelled appearance in the mirror behind my door, pat my hair down from the messy tuft which had appeared and steeled myself. I just had to act like everything was normal, and that my life wasn’t crumbling apart. The last time I felt like this was when I heard the news about dad…

It had been a work accident, and I still remember that feeling of dread, working its way from deep in the pit of my stomach, out into my extremities. I remember feeling like I was going to throw up. And the shaking, how could I forget the shaking.

I’d already lost my dad, and I would not lose my mum too. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I’m not sure how she’d react, what she’d say or how she’d feel if she found out about me. But there is no way I’d leave it to chance. She was too important in my life to take that risk.

I made my way down the hallway, into the connected garage.

“What, no Sam today?” she asked as I headed round to the boot of the car to help grab the shopping.

I tried to compose myself and remove the fear from my voice as I replied, “I came back a bit earlier today as I had a ton of maths homework.”

“On the first day? That’s a bit rough,” she mused. Then she turned to grab me in a quick side hug.

“Everything ok?” she asked, concerned.

“Yeah fine, I’m just tired.” I quietly deflected.

“Normally you’re a ball of energy after you and Sam hang out. I know you still rile each other up, even after all these years spent together” she chuckled.

Well maybe not for much longer I thought with dread. That thought snapped me back to reality pretty quickly.

“Ok now if you just grab that bag, then we’re done. We can watch a movie together tonight if you’d like?” she asked. In retrospect I don’t think I’d fooled her with the tired or the homework excuse, even though both were technically true.

I watched mum as she waltzed around the kitchen, putting all the shopping away in an orderly manner. Her shoulder length light brown hair bounced angelically with slight curls which framed her soft, caring face. Her brown eyes were a mystery to me, as I wondered where my grey eyes had come from. She was compassionate and attentive, and Sam often referred to her as his second mum. Mum was sharp as a tack and has a smile which could light up a room, there’s no wonder my dad fell for her. I couldn’t bear to lose her too.

“Nah, I think I’ll just do my homework and head to bed” I non-committedly replied, as I struggled to withhold the intense wave of emotion which washed over me. Thinking about her, and dad, and Sam, all people close to me who I couldn’t bear to lose was starting to have an effect on me. The existential dread was building up again and I just needed to get away.

“Ok, you’ll need to make your own way to school tomorrow, I’ve got an early start again. Night!” was called after me as I headed to my bedroom.

“Night” I yelled over my shoulder as I made my hasty escape.

I re-assumed the position on top of the mound of clothes, kicked off my shoes and slumped back onto the bed. The thoughts of mum finding out about me scared me to death – I couldn’t lose her too. Then there was Sam – would we even still be friends? I mean he already knew but with the reaction his mum had I doubt we’d have a friendship for much longer. My brain unconsciously started running through contingency plans for in case everything went wrong. Where I would go, how much money I had, what kind of job I’d find, where I’d live. It was a scary necessity that I had to at least consider, as this was the self-preservation instinct that my life now required.

It was with these restless thoughts with which I entered a fitful night of interrupted sleep.

__

I opened my bleary eyes and immediately my stomach clenched again at the thought of everything that went down yesterday. Everything that happened at school was a distant thought, compared to what happened afterwards. I mean if school was my biggest proble-

“Oh shit” I mumbled frantically scrambling to get out of bed. Why didn’t my alarm go off? I grabbed my phone and stared at the screen. Of course, I forgot to charge it overnight, so I had a dead battery. I quickly stripped out of yesterday’s school clothes including the replacement shirt, and grabbed a clean shirt and pants for today. The clock said 8:26. School starts at 8:30. It looked like I was skipping breakfast once again – not ideal.

I fumbled with my tie as I collected my phone, wallet, keys and bag and ran for the door.

I flung open the door to be greeted by a solitary figure sitting on the porch steps. I froze in the doorway at the sight of him. I hadn’t had a chance to think about what was going to happen today in my rush to get out the door.

“Where have you been man? I’ve been calling you all last night and this morning! I’ve been knocking and waiting at the door all morning! Why didn’t you return my calls or messages?!” he accused.

“But I… then you…” I stammered out surprised. This was not how I had planned this conversation going.

“Dude, we don’t exactly have time to do this here, let’s get into the car and talk on the way to school” Sam ordered. He was right about that, but my brain was still struggling to catch up. I looked around but couldn’t see my car anywhere. Shit. I had left it at Sam’s in my haste to get away. We quickly ran a few hundred meters to get to his place in silence, except for the sounds of our heavy breathing.

Luckily, by the time we got to it, it only took three tries to get my car started this morning, and soon enough we were on our way.

“So do you care to explain what the fuck happened yesterday?” Sam blasted, to my surprise. What did he mean ‘what happened yesterday’? He was there. He saw it. He said it.

“I mean, your mum…” I trailed off.

Sam looked at me and his eyes softened. “I’m so sorry about that Nick, truly I am. I didn’t mean for anything to happen, I thought nobody was home, I swear” he explained looking like he needed me to forgive him. That was fine, I knew it was a mistake, but how could he just ignore how his mum felt.

“After I went to talk with mum, my dad came in confused and said you’d just run out the door. I came to your house and knocked but nobody was home. I had no idea where you ran off to, so I started trying to call and message you. I stayed on your front steps for an hour, waiting for you to come home, or answer one of my calls! Why didn’t you just answer? You scared the shit out of me” Sam recounted.

My breathing quickened, trying to process this information. But did his parents know that he was looking for me? Surely they would have. But with how Steph reacted, I was shaken to the core. But then, Sam was here this morning? Does that mean we were still allowed to be friends?

“I don’t understand” I stated simply.

“Me either” rebutted Sam.

“But your mum hates that I’m gay.” The words floated in the air. Sam’s expression changed from pleading to confused. He opened his mouth to say something, then shut it. He was about to stammer something out when I interrupted:

“I heard you and her arguing about me being gay. That is was not safe for you to be friends with me and to get out” I choked out, with the emotion of the last 24 hours getting to me.

“Oh God. I’m so sorry. Fuck. It’s not what it sounds like. I promise Nick. Look we’re both going to get busted if we stay out here any longer, I’ll explain everything at lunch ok? We don’t have time to here, but I promise you that everything is fine” he rushed. I looked around to find that somehow I’d driven into the car park at school without any knowledge of it. I think Sam could see my face in anguish or disbelief, he knew me well enough to know how I was feeling most of the time, sometimes before even I knew how I felt. He ran around the car and grabbed in a vice-grip bear hug. My body was still in shock, from the turn of events. The emotional rollercoaster was getting to me, between thinking I’d lose my best friend, to potentially losing my mum, then Sam actually still being friends with me, and now him reassuring me that everything would be ok. I relaxed and heaved a huge sigh as I embraced him back. I mean Sam could never know what it was like to feel like having a chip on your shoulder with regards to his sexuality, but he sure tried to understand. As we both let go, he held me at arm’s length and looked me in the eyes.

“I’m always going to be your best mate. I promise.”

I couldn’t stay composed after that. My eyes, red and puffy, I heaved a sob as Sam looked on understandingly, a small gentle smile on his lips. It was in my embarrassment at being seen in this state, that I also saw him, really for the first time today. He had deep bags beneath his eyes, his sandy blond hair was in an even more awkwardly ruffled mess than normal, and there was the beginnings of stubble on his strong jaw, which I’d almost never seen there before as he hated it. It was in that moment that I realised that maybe he also hadn’t had a great night, and maybe that was because of me. My heart fluttered at the thought – to know that even if I only had one person I could count on, at least it was the best person possible. A look of understanding ran between us as we both realised that we were still good.

“See you at lunch,” he reiterated as we quickly made our way into the school, 5 minutes late for the first class now. I nodded in response, as I went the opposite way that he was heading to get to class.

I grabbed my books to head first to Geography, then English. They should be fine I thought.

I thought wrong.

As I walked into class I stumbled over something at my feet, luckily managing to recover just before I hit the ground. I was glad that my soccer skills and reflexes came in handy. I looked down but saw nothing obstructing the way.

“Please take your seat Nicholas” Miss Faith called.

I made my way round only to meet Tiffany’s cruel smirk. That single action left me with no doubt that it was her foot which I had almost tripped over on the way in. This really wasn’t what I needed today. I returned her smirk with a dull stare, then made my way to the available desk.

“Why are your eyes all red? Have you been having a little cry? Do you have a boo-boo?” the whisper came from my right, loud enough for the students in the vicinity to hear, but not loud enough to interrupt Miss Faith’s explanation of calculating the wind direction in a high-pressure cell.

No guessing who was behind this. This was not how I wanted to start the day. But what she had said caused a few heads to turn my way to confirm for themselves. I gave no response.

“Did your wittle boyfwiend dump you? Poor baby” she mocked in a discerningly high-pitched whisper.

I instantly froze. The accusation of being gay was always thrown around high school like an insult. The lowest of the low. Being accused of being gay was like being accused of not being a man. Toxic masculinity was something which was unfortunately more ‘normal’ among impressionable teenage guys, but was less common from girls.

The unfortunate part was, being gay, I was inherently sensitive to insults or accusations, but still did not want to become the talk of the town, so denying it was my only choice. No doubt when she referred to my ‘wittle boyfwiend’ she was referring to Sam. Everyone knew we were close due to Sam’s popularity.

I thought quickly on my feet how I could wipe that little smirk from her unapologetic face.

“No from memory, he dumped you, didn’t he? I remember there being something about him not wanting to have to be around you any longer than possible?” I quietly quipped back, much to the delight of the surrounding tables.

It wasn’t that people didn’t like Tiffany, but as high-schoolers, everyone loved a little drama. I mean it was still surprising at this stage, you would think a group of eighteen-year-olds would be classified more as young adults, that interactions would not devolve into such petty attacks. But this was still high school after all. Tiffany was usually someone who got away with all the trash talking, and most people didn’t expect those who she directed her diatribe to, to actually fight back. She looked shocked but then her eyes narrowed, like that of a snake about to ensnare its prey.

“Well I heard that your dad didn’t want to be around you any longer than possible, that he’d rather be dead than spend a second longer with you,” she lambasted, her eyes twinkling in vindictive satisfaction. There was a brief period of shocked silence from the surrounding tables. News of my dad’s death wasn’t new, but it wasn’t exactly widespread.

I couldn’t contain myself at and spewed back a vitriolic “Well I head you’re a raging BITCH”.

The silence that followed confirmed my mistake. From what had started as a whisper-shout had ended as a shout-shout. Half the class broke out in shocked giggles and the other half a stunned silence.

“Nicholas Hunter that is completely unacceptable. That will be a detention and you will see me after class. I don’t want any more talking from anyone for the rest of the class” Miss Faith commanded authoritatively.

Tiffany was torn between absolute glee and mild irritation, as for once she wasn’t able to have the last word, but she settled on glee as seeing me get slammed in front of the whole class would be worth it in her books. Point to the raging bitch I thought sourly.

I worked soundlessly for the rest of the class, trying to attentively focus completely on the lesson at hand. This was mostly so my boiling rage didn’t spill over once again and get me into any more trouble than it already did.

Soon enough, the rattling of the bell signalled that class had ended as I waited for the remaining students to shuffle out. Tiffany and her friends gave me the side-eye on their way out, and a few of my other classmates stifled a grin in my direction – knowing that I had taken one for the team in letting out how I really felt.

“Nick…” Miss Faith started. Overall Miss Faith was a great teacher, she was passionate and engaging, and knew her stuff. She genuinely wanted people to do well and was great at connecting with her students.

“I know that yesterday you missed class due to your injury, but if you want to perform to the level that I know you can perform to this year, you’ll really need to put in the hard work” she began.

“You’re a good student Nick, but I can’t stand by and let things like today just happen on my watch. I know Tiffany is a raging… asshole… but you can’t let it get to you” she mused with a gleam in her eye. This wasn’t how I was expecting this conversation to go at all. Having a teacher like you was one thing, but having one confirm that they knew you were in the right in a whole other feeling. My fondness for Miss Faith grew even more if possible as I shared a wry grin.

“I am sorry. You weren’t meant to hear that” I explained in an abashed manner.

“Well I would rather you not say it, and by ‘say’ I mean scream it at the top of your lungs in class” Miss Faith lamented.

“I tried to, but she effectively said that I was the reason that my dad was dead” I recounted as I felt the rage slowly building up again.

Miss Faith’s look of disapproval deepened, which then morphed into empathy. She had been the teacher in class when I got news of my dad’s accident. Everything that had occurred had been in a no fuss, professional manner, and I was given all the time and space I needed, at least for Geography, to get back on track no thanks to Miss Faith. She had made sure to keep sending some reading materials home with Sam, detailing where we were in class and worksheets I could complete to keep up to date with, while I was a home dealing with the funeral and helping mum. I genuinely appreciated the effort and it was the only subject where I was kept up to date during that period because of it. Additionally, on my first day back, she pulled me aside, much like today, to see how I was doing and where my head was at, rather than an unhelpful ‘I’m sorry’ which many others thought was acceptable, appropriate or helpful – which it was not.

“Well, let’s just agree that the detention stays for the sake of my authority in the class, but we’ll use that as a lesson to run through yesterday’s material which you missed. Now, you can’t breathe even a word of this to others – as I’m meant to immediately discipline students in these circumstances” I began to smile about the news.

“Not even Sam” She pressed as if she was chiding a small dog. I could deal with that, this was a great deal and I wasn’t about to go and accidentally get her in trouble for this – I mean it was my fault after all – well Tiffany’s really, but you know what I mean.

“Great, thanks Miss Faith, I’ll be here after school for ‘detention’” I emphasised, on my way out the door. She shot back a cheeky grin before turning back to her desk.

I can’t believe I got away with it. Well I didn’t really, but this was probably the best outcome to a terrible start to my day. It seemed like things were beginning to look up for me.

I scrambled to English, now slightly behind time due to my chat in Geography, however I managed to enter the classroom just as the lesson was starting. Today’s essay was exceptionally boring, but sooner rather than later, it was time for lunch.

On my way to store my books in my locker and grab my lunch, I could see Mr Richard having a conversation with a student at their locker. The teacher didn’t typically come down here as it wasn’t near many classrooms, so that was odd, but whatever – not my concern.

I could hear him mumbling and struggling with something, which slipped out of his grasp at just at the wrong moment, and I got front row seats to see his hand fly backwards off the locker and effectively punch himself in the face. I stifled a chuckle, luckily just in time, as the embarrassed Mr Richard looked for a way to retreat from the situation to avoid further humiliation. It turns out I was that way out.

“Ahh Rick, would you mind giving Jackson over here a hand with his locker – it doesn’t seem to be working properly – thanks” he stammered out and scurried off. I looked behind me, and sure enough there wasn’t anyone nearby to help. Certainly, nobody with the name ‘Rick’. I guess that left me. I wandered over to find a pair of inquisitive eyes and an amused grin. Really. Again?

“You must be Rick” came the deep bass, with a slight quiver at an attempt to not laugh.

“Ah yes, nice to meet you for the first time Jackson” I replied sarcastically. Well good thing this wasn’t awkward. I guess I didn’t run into him this time so that was an improvement.

“Is he normally that bad with names, or just when he falcon punches himself in the face?” chuckled the new guy endearingly. I lost it after his chuckle, as I found myself laughing along too.

“No, he’s normally that bad. I’d hoped the falcon punch might actually knock some sense into him” I delicately explained. “I’ve had him for the last 3 years, and he still doesn’t know my name.”

Surprisingly I found that the irritation of the newcomer was slowly waning. I mean sure, he’d been the reason for me making a fool of myself in that first History class, and made me miss Geography due to my excessive nosebleed. Yet, despite this, his existence wasn’t the worst part of yesterday or today so far, when compared with the events of yesterday afternoon, as well as this morning, still fresh in my mind.

It again dawned on me that yeah, he really was quite tall, where his broad shoulders emphasised his clearly athletic frame. The school uniform was a combination of dull grey pants and a bland off-white shirt, while a patterned red and blue tie topped off the ensemble. Dreary was an understatement. However the ‘one size fits all’ tie was done up relatively shorter on him than most people that wore it. Usually this was as an attempted fashion statement which the school administrators did not approve of, however in this instance it looked like the limitations of the tie were being tested by his thick neck. If memory served me correctly Sam has mentioned that there was a new guy on the rugby team, so I guess that made sense, as seeing most rugby players on television whom attempted to suit up looked almost comically disproportionate to their ill-fitting clothes. My theory was confirmed as my eyes scanned past the ever-feeble top button of his shirt straining to be released. As my eyes reached his face, there was a brief moment of uncertainty, as I was lost in the thoughts of my ever-racing mind.

“So any chance you’d be able to show me how to get this bloody thing working?” he inquisitively queried with a slight arch appearing in one of his eyebrows.

What? Oh right. The locker. I really need to not get distracted.

“Sure” I confirmed as I stepped towards the locker to explain the mechanics of how the combination lock worked. It was odd that he wasn’t sure how to use one. I know most schools used them, at least in the surrounding areas so that was confusing, but I put it to the back of my mind as I began to explain the process of unlocking the locker using his randomised three number code. Unlike most people, when I stepped in towards the locker, he didn’t make a move to back away even though we were standing quite close to begin with. Because of this, being so close to him, I could feel the heat of his body roll off him in waves, and a slight awkward tension in the air of being almost too close to someone. Was it just me that felt that? Probably, I wasn’t exactly great at the whole interacting with a bunch of new people all the time like Sam.

Once I’d finished explaining and showing him how to open the lock, I took a step back to allow him to have a practice attempt to demonstrate that he understood, so I wouldn’t have to be by his side every time he wanted to access his locker. He stepped into place, positioning himself in front of the locker, yet somehow he seemed even closer than before. Maybe it was just me over-thinking things as usual, but either way I didn’t want to make things more awkward by being obvious about taking a step backwards now. Besides, it could have just been those broad shoulders making it seem as such, or his defined forearms, which showed the muscles twitching underneath as he fumbled his way through the elusive mechanics of the lock.

“Awesome, thanks man, I appreciate it” his words washed over me, unfreezing me from my place beside him. His eyes flicked to mine with a faint smile.

“No worries” I responded, making my way back to my locker, surprisingly feeling slightly self-conscious about the longer than average eye contacted and an almost disarming smile. I’m not someone who really gets self-conscious, as most of the time I don’t really care what people think, but for some reason I was aware of feeling this way right now.

I made my way back to my locker to finish putting my books back and getting my lunch out. It was as I grabbed my lunch that I remembered that Sam and I were going to talk about what happened last night, and my heart rate picked up again.

I shut my locker and turned to head outside for lunch, with thoughts of being self-conscious gone and the nerves coming back slightly. Sam usually had lunch with a group of guys who were either on the rugby team with him, or mates he had in other classes. Usually I would join them, however it was mainly because I was Sam’s friend rather than them being friends with me. However, sometimes I had lunch alone just when I felt like it, and chose to lie in the sun, or read a book. In other cases, Sam and I would have lunch together at ‘our spot’ which was under a jacaranda tree near the corner of the soccer field. It was usually unoccupied, being so far away from the main buildings.

As I approached, I could see him waiting there for me to arrive. I had to calm myself down by telling myself I already partially knew the outcome – or at least that Sam and I would still be friends, yet the unknown is what has always concerned me.