Tearin' Down Fences, Puttin Up Walls' - 1. Tearin' Down Fences, Puttin Up Walls'

Caty was sure that any big city woman would find the shimmery, black satin dress with the back that was barely there, but enough skirt for days, appealing. As hard as she tried though, she just couldn’t make herself like it. Not as much as she liked the other dress with the white puffy sleeves and petticoat that brushed her ankles, the soft lilac colored jumper with the corseted waist. She ran the satin ribbon that fastened beneath it through her fingers as she wondered which dress Will would like better, and just for a moment, which dress Janie would choose. That was silly, she reminded herself. She was here to buy a dress that she liked, one she would wear to the Fall Harvest Dance, and if that happened to be the night Will noticed she wasn’t a little girl anymore, well then, that would be just fine, too.

Her eyes darted back and forth between the two dresses, and she tried to imagine herself in the black one that looked like it might slither down her bare skin, and just keep on slithering. That thought made her eyes widen momentarily before she shook it off. She wanted Will, but not at the expense of her dignity. She wasn’t sure why she felt rushed, maybe it was the way Mrs. Hendrickson was standing there expectantly waiting for her to make a decision, but Caty knew she had at least twenty minutes till Mr. Porter would be done loading the pickup with the lumber to repair the fence.

“Which do you like, Tracey?” she asked her blond companion who was making every effort to stay out of her way and go unnoticed.

“I don’t think it matters what I like, Caty. It only matters which one you like, but I will say, that I think Case would be fit to be tied if his baby sister showed up in that black number there,” he said right through her frown.

She wasn’t sure if it bothered her more that he wasn’t helping her make this decision, or that he had said she was Casey’s baby sister again, but either way, she didn’t like it. She was gonna show them, she thought, if it was the last thing she did. Didn’t anyone understand that she was practically a woman now?

“I think I’ve seen that dress before,” Tracey mentioned off hand.

“Which one?” Mrs. Hendrickson asked curiously, trying to remember if she had sold either one to anyone else in town lately.

“The black one; I think that woman my dad is seeing… well, it looks like something she would wear,” he decided.

That thought horrified Caty, and it was enough to push her to choose the dress she really wanted anyway, instead of the one a part of her thought she was supposed to want, but didn’t. There was no way she would end up like that woman, the way she had no regard for Tracey’s feelings, let alone an ounce of tact. You can dress her up, Caty thought, but underneath it all, she’s still just a harlot.

“I’ll think I prefer the lilac,” Caty told Mrs. Hendrickson with a confident smile. “Please,” she added for good form.

“Wonderful choice, dear,” the older woman said as she gathered the hangers in between her fingers and smiled. “I’ll just box this up for you.”

Tracey watched Caty as her mind drifted off into that place where only she knew what happened, and appreciated the mixture of emotions he saw cross her face. She had it bad, he decided, watching her expectant smile turn into a dedicated one, but not before it faltered, if only for a second, in the face of the possibilities before her.

“You’re gonna look beautiful in that dress, Caty,” Tracey said, his words pulling her back to reality.

“Thanks,” she answered bashfully. That was a new look for her, but an endearing one just the same, he decided, appreciating the blush her cheeks took on.

“For what it’s worth, Will’s a lucky guy,” Tracey said thoughtfully as he watched her finger her auburn colored braids absentmindedly.

“Sometimes I wonder if he knows that,” she remarked sideways before shaking off the feelings of doubt and impatience that seem to settle on her.

“Probably not,” Tracey admitted. “Give him some time to catch up.”

“Here you are, dear,” Mrs. Hendrickson said as she approached the pair, handing Caty the box with her new dress inside, who promptly passed the package off to Tracey.

“I just need to pay her,” she explained before following the older woman over to settle her bill.

Tracey wandered outside onto the wooden slats that ran along the store front and squinted as he encountered the morning light. He was good at waiting for women and holding their packages, lord knows he’d had plenty of practice waiting on his mom when he was a boy, so he just enjoyed the quiet. He raised his face to the sky, eyes closed, appreciating the warmth the sun offered his skin and thrilled a moment at the shiver the cool fall breeze provoked as it rivaled the sun’s energy.

“Ready?” Caty asked as she walked up behind him.

Tracey nodded, “All set then?”

“Yep,” Caty smiled reaching out for her new purchase.

“I’ve got it,” Tracey offered, after all, he didn’t mind carrying the box as they walked, and it was the polite thing to do anyway.

“I can carry it,” Caty argued, falling into the same old habit, feeling the same need she always had to prove herself.

“I know you can,” Tracey agreed as he grabbed her outstretched hand in his, earning her attention, “but sometimes it’s okay to accept some help when it’s offered.”

Her feet stopped moving while she evaluated his suggestion, and after a moment, she decided it wouldn’t hurt none to let him carry her package from the dress shop over to Mr. Porter’s hardware store. “Alright then,” she agreed with a raised eyebrow.

Tracey tried, but he just couldn’t swallow the laugh that bubbled up from inside his chest, and he swung her hand in his as they walked. “Thank you for letting me carry your dress,” he said after they had walked a minute and he had gotten his amusement under control, as if it she had done him a great service.

They arrived back at the hardware store just in time to see Mr. Porter loading the last of the lumber into the back of the faithful, old pickup truck. “That should do it,” he told Caty over the loud creaking of the rusted tail gate as he lifted it closed.

“Thank you,” Caty smiled at the man. “After we get the fence repaired, we’ll be back for some more supplies for the barn,” she reminded the man who appreciated the business, if not the reason for it.

“Sure thing, little lady,” the dark haired man smiled, rapping his knuckles against the metal of the truck.

“Thanks, Mr. Porter,” Tracey said, extending his hand as men do. “We appreciate it.”

“Tracey? That you?” Mr. Marshall shouted across from where he stood outside Emerson Feed and Supply.

Tracey’s grip immediately tightened in Mr. Porter’s as he recognized the voice that made him nauseous and caused his blood pressure to rise all at the same time. He wondered briefly, if he could just ignore the man and get Caty into the truck and go without incident, but the footsteps coming up behind him put that thought out of his mind; apparently not today. His eyes flashed apologetically at Caty who looked to be in debate between feeling compassionate and infuriated.

“Who’s this?” Mr. Marshall asked, his eyes wandering over Caty’s body in a way that made her tug her coat closed up around her neck. “Did you finally smarten up and find yourself a filly?”

Leave it to his father to compare a girl like Caty to an animal and think it was a compliment. Tracey rolled his eyes as he stepped in front of Caty protectively, not that he thought his dad would do anything to her, but he could tell she was uncomfortable, and he’d never forgive himself if he, or his family, brought any more harm than it already had to the Kingsman family.

“This is Caty Kingsman,” Tracey answered through gritted teeth in an effort to not let anything else slip out of his mouth. “We were just leaving,” he volunteered grabbing Caty’s hand once more, even though he knew it wouldn’t be that easy.

“Looks like you’ve caught yourself a winner,” Mr. Marshall went on with total disregard to Tracey’s words. “”Bout time. I knew you’d come around if the right girl came along.”

“Dad,” Tracey warned, but the man was either too selfish, or his imagination too far gone, to notice.

“I always knew my boy would straighten out,” he spoke proudly for the first time Tracey could remember. “What is it with kids these days anyway?” he asked Mr. Porter, who had the sense to look like he wanted to be anywhere else but there. “No man wants to know his only son’s a queer.”

Tracey had lost count of how many times he’d given this same speech to his dad, but realized that this time, he was happier to give it than he ever had been. He wondered why it amused him so much that the one thing his dad wanted, the one thing that would make the miserable, old coot proud of him, was something he would never be able to give.

“I apologize, Mr. Porter,” Tracey said, excusing the man from what had turned into an uncomfortable family matter. “We’ll be in touch,” he nodded before turning toward his dad. “Sorry to rain on your parade, Dad, but nothing’s changed. I’m still into guys, and you still don’t know when to keep your mouth shut. You’re only son is a queer, no matter how much you want to believe otherwise.”

Caty had had just about enough and huffed indignantly as she dropped Tracey’s hand, even if she felt guilty for it, and climbed in the truck. She wanted to support Tracey, but his father was just too much, and she didn’t trust herself to act like a lady. At least this way, she’d be ready to go when Tracey was through talking to that despicable man. The way he just announced it like that, as if it was the whole town’s business! Caty was so steamed that she was suddenly thankful for the long ride home, it would probably take her that long to cool off.

She watched in the side mirror as the two men exchanged a few more words, her hands gripping the steering wheel so tightly, that she didn’t realize her fingers were aching until Tracey got in the truck with her and she exhaled. He looked exhausted, but in that satisfied way, and a little contrite for good measure. She wasn’t sure what to say to him though; she had only had one conversation on the topic, and that wasn’t anything near as direct as what had just happened.

Back then, when she and Casey were about sixteen, she had asked him why his brain didn’t seem to disintegrate like all the other boys’ did each time Becky Mitchell was around. Fact of the matter was she had only asked him for her own selfish reasons. She was miffed that whenever Becky Mitchell walked up, whoever she was talking to seemed to forget that she even existed, and she wanted to know why. He’d only shrugged at the time, which hadn’t helped her cause any, but it was enough to plant the first seed in her mind, and even devoid of sunlight and nourishment, it grew into something that Caty accepted, even if her brother had never come right out and said it to her.

“I should learn to shop faster,” she suggested to Tracey with a supportive smile, hoping to make it clear that she was sorry the whole ugly situation had occurred and that his big revelation wasn’t something she had a problem with.

“Nah, someone should put a muzzle on him though,” Tracey fantasized just a little, wondering what she thought about the newest thing she had learned about him.

“Ready?” she asked him, laughing at that picture in her head.

His green eyes found hers questioningly, “That’s it?”

“That mean yes?” she retorted challengingly, determined to give him the choice to talk to her about what had just happened if he wanted to.

He nodded, “Thanks,” he smiled at her admirably; glad that he had someone like her in his life to balance some of the crap he also had to claim.

Casey and Will headed out on horseback after breakfast, just after Caty left with Tracey in the old, blue pick-up and headed down the mountain. The weather was changing, and the temperature was dropping, and they were going to move the herd down to the lower pasture for the winter in the next few days. Casey hunched down into the warmth of his jacket as they rode along, the air almost cold enough to sting his cheeks, but not quite.

Without hurrying, Casey figured they could be back to Kingsman Bluff before Caty and Tracey returned, and this time, he was much more at ease with the two of them being alone together. Maybe it was his new understanding of the person Tracey was, the grief he had been dealing with, and the way his dad had been behaving, or maybe it was the way Tracey smelled pressed up against his chest in the back of a pick-up truck on a pile of hay, the way his lips were soft and curious, but demanding at the same time, but no matter the reason, he rode along contentedly next to Will.

Peeking just over the ridge, the nourishing golden light of the early morning sun bathed the mountainside gradually, providing the thick green brush the same luxury as someone slipping slowly into a hot bath would enjoy, as it rose into full view, hanging, rich and orange against the clear blue sky. Its energy seemed to fuel Red’s desire to run while it was still cool out, and he snorted as Will’s firm hand reined him in once more.

“Go ahead. I’m right behind you. Give him what he wants, get it out of his system,” Casey prodded, laughing as Red agreed loudly, shaking his head in wild determination and youth.

“Alright, but I’m not going far,” Will decided, “and when we get back, we’re gonna talk, you and me.”

Casey nodded, not much else he could do, as Will rode off up ahead. He wasn’t sure what Will wanted to talk about, but he had a fair guess, and truth be told, he wanted to talk about it, too. Maybe if he did, his heart would stop feeling like it was about to explode with anticipation. Maybe he could focus on work, instead of letting his thoughts linger on things like what Tracey looked like drip-drying on the bank of the pond, or how his mouth tasted against his own in the barn, or how the tightness in his jeans currently was partly because he knew Tracey’s jeans had been pressed against this same saddle yesterday.

Casey lost himself in memories of sensations. Tracey’s fingertips on his cheek, and then lips, the way Tracey’s hair had tickled his face as he lay behind him, but in the way that made you move toward the sensation instead of pull away from it, wrapping Tracey’s body in his arms, whether it was in the back of a pick-up truck on a pile of hay, or in the barn when Tracey fell off a horse and into them. It seemed that Casey never felt anything subtly when it came to Tracey, everything felt swollen, magnified, stronger. He didn’t hear the hooves hammering on the ground, or the whinny Red let out as a greeting, or maybe a measure of his appreciation, as he and Will rode up and slowed to match Sheba’s canter.

“What ya thinkin’ about?” Will asked him after a minute, earning Casey’s attention, and the only response was a shrug of Casey’s shoulders. “Or should I be askin’ who?”

Casey looked at Will, and somehow managed to combine his surprise, and his blush at the truth in Will’s clarification, with a raised eyebrow for good measure. He wasn’t sure he was ready to answer these kinds of questions, even if Will was as close to him as a brother would be, the best friend he’d had in the last six years. Still, that didn’t make it any easier this time.

“I know that look,” Will continued. “You want to tell me about ‘em? Must be someone special,” Will went on thinking out loud, hoping to provoke Casey into talking.

“Not sure,” Casey decided. “It’s just… new. Could be nothing,” he said trying to sound casual even if he felt anything but cool, calm, and collected on the inside.

“Could be something…” Will prodded gently.

“Could be,” Casey agreed, and couldn’t stop the smile that bloomed on his face no matter how hard he tried.

“Seems like, whoever it is, they’re on your mind an awful lot lately,” Will stated obviously.

“Yeah,” Casey nodded in agreement.

Truth was, Casey had thought of little else but Tracey, in one form or another, for the past two weeks, and it had been nothing but strong, severe stabs of emotion that kept changing, evolving. Truth was, as incredible as those emotions made him feel, they terrified the living daylights out of him, too.

“Scary, huh?” Will spoke again.

It was as if he was reading Casey’s thoughts, and that was daunting for all kinds of reasons. Had he figured out what happened in the barn yesterday before he walked in? Had Will seen the way he looked at Tracey like he had so much he wanted to say, but never actually saying a word? Will knew him almost as well as Caty did, so it wouldn’t surprise him, but still, feeling like someone can see your most private, personal thoughts has a way of making a person feel pretty vulnerable.

“In a good way,” Casey nodded, his hopeful smile reaching his dreamy gaze.

Will laughed out loud at that. “Someone’s got it bad,” he decided shaking his head.

“Shuddup’,” Casey blushed and reached over to shove Will’s shoulder. “Hah,” he shouted, and then he and Sheba were off and running.

Casey took advantage of the open range and the solitude he found in the vast sea of green having left Will far behind him, to explore the idea, the fantasy, that he and Tracey could actually be something more than a couple of guys who happened to be extremely attracted to one another. Granted, he didn’t know Tracey very well, and hadn’t exactly shared a wealth of information about himself either, but he knew Tracey was passionate, caring, loyal, and he sure did know how to rile Casey up good, in more ways than one.

Then again, he wasn’t sure he was ready to tell Will how he felt about the blond guy who had recently taken up residence on Kingsman Bluff, let alone anyone else. To be frank, the idea scared him. Almost as much as the thought of never being able to hold Tracey’s hand under the stars, nuzzle into his neck, or kiss him like he meant it again. Will seemed like he knew what Casey was going through, but knowing who he was all twisted up about was another thing, and the more he thought about it, the more he wondered what Will thought about it.

Will watched Casey ride up ahead and delighted in the feeling that he could still read the guy as well as he always could, and better yet, push him just far enough to blush, but enough to get him thinking. Even if Casey was still coming to terms with who he was and what he wanted, Will was certain that as long as Casey was happy, then he’d be happy for him. He’d spent enough time watching the guy who had been the best friend he’d had in the last ten years be unhappy and lonely for far too long already. Besides, he liked Tracey, and he was glad that the guy stood up for himself and that Caty seemed to care about him, and Paulette would love anyone that needed it, he was proof of that.

Will spent some time riding the perimeter of the property, checking fences and holdings, and giving Casey some space. As much as he wanted to hear what was going on inside that head of Casey’s, he knew he had to wait until Casey was ready to tell him. Casey had checked the barn they used for storage and that the grass was suitable for grazing in the winter months. They had worked the morning away and when noon came, they were more than ready for the sandwiches and apples that Janie had packed for them. Another couple hours and they were just about finished, having a small list of things they needed to fix or bring with them when they came back with the herd.

“’Bout ready to head back?” Will asked, stretching his back and looking out across the pasture they had just spent the last two hours clearing of any rocks, branches, and debris that had gathered there in the autumn winds that flew over the mountain.

“I guess so,” Casey nodded. “I think I’ll walk a little,” he decided.

Will weighed his friend’s words a moment before pursing his lips and nodding. “Okay, but I gotta get back to help Janie with the delivery. I told her I’d be there,” he said.

“See you at dinner,” Casey said. “I’m right behind you.”

“You better be. I just know Janie’ll blame me if you’re late,” he shook his head and laughed.

Will rode into the barn at three o’clock on the dot and figured that counted as being on time since he hadn’t seen the delivery truck backed up to the side of the house yet, even if three o’clock was three o’clock on Janie’s watch. He led Red over to have a drink and then unbuckled the saddle and walked it over to where it hung on the side wall. He brushed Red down quickly and led him into his stall, and hoped he had enough time to wash up before the delivery arrived.

He headed toward the barn door and heard a truck pull up and groaned inwardly. No rest for the weary, he thought, before he realized that it was Caty and Tracey returning from town, and not the delivery truck. They looked happy, he noticed, as they talked a minute in the cab before climbing out. Tracey carried a large white box with him, and as soon as Caty was out from behind the wheel, she walked around behind the truck and over to Tracey.

“I can take that now,” she said expectantly, holding her hands out to relieve him of the package.

“What if I want to carry it in for you?” he asked her from beneath a cocked eyebrow, only the mischief in his eyes giving his position away as friendly and not challenging.

“I can carry it myself, Tracey Marshall,” she insisted with a stomp of her foot.

Tracey laughed out loud at her childlike display, and that was more than enough for Caty. She reached out to take her dress from Tracey, but he was just enough quicker than she was, that he managed to lift it over his head, leaving her on her tip-toes trying her darnedest to reach it. Her slim body was pressed right up against his side, her feet straddling his leg, and with one hand on his chest and the other reaching for the box she was as frustrated, as he was entertained.

Tracey was too busy laughing to at her determined efforts to notice how close she was to him, or the way her curves seemed to rub against the hard planes of his body in just the right places, but Will did. From his vantage point behind the barn door, he could see everything, hear them, too. Laughing and carrying on like that, Caty’s spunkiness made him proud; her fortitude reminded him she was strong. He wondered if Caty realized how this looked, frolicking with him like she was, he wondered if Casey would appreciate the sight.

Caty pulled on Tracey’s arm, “You could just let me have it, make it easy on yourself,” she grunted.

“Now why would I do that when all I’m trying to do is make it easy on you?” he threw back at her.

Her backside bumped the bed of the truck and she took the opportunity offered. Her boot pressed into the top of the rear tire, and next thing Tracey knew, he was teetering over in an attempt to keep his balance and his body upright as Caty landed on his back. Will decided then and there, that Caty would make one hell of a rodeo rider, not that he’d ever let her get anywhere near one of them dangerous, unpredictable animals. Why did he feel like, right now, Tracey was as dangerous and unpredictable as a rodeo bull?

He was probably just trying to protect his friend’s interests, right? It’s not like Casey had even told Will who it was that was on his mind anyway, but something just didn’t sit right about this in his eyes. His gut either, he realized as he felt his insides knot up with tension. He told himself it was because he was worried about Casey riding up and having to see Tracey and his sister flirting and playing around like this, after all, Casey had said he would be right behind him.

“Alright, have it your way,” Tracey said as he started walking toward the big yellow house. It was a slow pace with Caty struggling on his back, and his arms outstretched and holding the dress box, but he seemed as determined as she was all of a sudden. “I can carry you in, too.”

“Tracey Marshall, you… you…” she hesitated, her manners and etiquette stopping her from finishing her thought.

“Yes?” he laughed, knowing she would never finish that thought. He had her figured out. She was the type of girl that would smile sweetly in a man’s face just before her fist landed squarely in his eye, or her knee a bit lower, and then she’d thank him for not ducking. Knowing that he was only safe for as long as she was on his back made for a dilemma in Tracey’s head, but he figured whatever was coming was worth it if he got Caty laughing and showed her he cared.

Will slid his back along the wooden wall of the barn and around through the doorway until he could see them again, Tracey struggling up the steps of the porch with Caty clinging to his back, and he tried to tell himself it was all in good fun, he tried to tell himself he was glad Caty was a feisty woman who stuck up for herself, and that he wasn’t at all distracted from being perturbed with the situation by the way Caty’s jeans clung around the curve of her behind in a way he couldn’t understand why he hadn’t noticed before. He tried to imagine what Casey would think if he saw this, but he couldn’t concentrate on anything beyond what her body might feel like pressed against his back like that.

Will swiped his face with his hand, an instinctive attempt at trying to clear his vision and focus his thoughts. As soon as Tracey had finished struggling with getting the screen door to the main house open, and getting them through it, Will headed straight for the bunkhouse for some solitude and cold water. A splash on his face, or maybe enough to dunk his head in, might clear his mind a bit. He wondered if he had time for a cold shower, but the sound of the delivery truck rumbling up the drive told him he didn’t and that he better hurry.

Will spent the afternoon helping Janie and puttering around the ranch while she made dinner. He just couldn’t figure out what he was gonna tell Casey; if he was gonna tell him, about any of it. Hell, he couldn’t even decide what he thought, let alone trying to explain it to someone else. He saw Casey return and take care of Sheba, he saw Caty and Tracey drive the old truck out to the spot where his car had gone through the fence and unload the lumber and supplies they had picked up in town that morning so Tracey could get to work on fixing it tomorrow after he and Casey took the herd down, but it was all happening on the outskirts of his thoughts. By the time dinner was ready, he found himself sitting at the table across from Caty, and next to his best friend, and unable to say a word.

Worse than that even, was the fact that for the first time he could remember in years, he wasn’t hungry. No amount of Janie’ meatloaf, steamed carrots, scalloped potatoes, or cornbread could tempt him into shoving aside the confusion rolling around inside his head or the way his stomach was clearly telling him not to try and add anything else to the knots it already had to digest. Instead he shoved his food around on his plate and wondered what in the hell was going on inside him.

“Not feeling well, Will?” Tracey asked after he had watched the man turn his plate of food into something that no one would recognize, let alone want to eat.

“Hmm?” he asked, his ears perking up at the sound of his name.

“You alright? You seem not yourself tonight,” Tracey pointed out, earning Will a glance from Casey and a concerned look from Caty.

“I’ll be alright,” Will mumbled. “Gotta move the herd tomorrow,” he added as if reminding himself would unravel his insides and settle his nerves.

“I guess I’ll start on the fence tomorrow,” Tracey mentioned before allowing himself another mouthful of food.

“Did you get everything you’ll need in town today?” Paulette asked to no one in particular.

“I think so,” Tracey answered. ”We told Mr. Porter we’d be back soon for more supplies for the barn.”

“And what about you?” she asked Caty. “Find what you were looking for?”

“Yes, Mama,” she smiled shyly. “Tracey helped me.” Tracey rolled his eyes, knowing his contribution to her errand was minimal, but smiled genuinely anyway.

Casey was curious, but decided not to ask when he heard Will’s fork clang down onto the earthenware plate in front of him. That got everyone’s attention, whether he intended it to or not, but then he slid his chair back from the table, threw his napkin down next to his plate, and said, “Excuse me,” before leaving the table and everyone exchanging glances and wondering what the hell was going on. They all shrugged at each other, seriously confused. It wasn’t at all like Will to be in a bad mood, let alone leave the dinner table.

“Did something happen that I don’t know about?” Paulette asked the three of them.

“With Will?” Casey asked, having spent the majority of the day with him. “Not with me,” he shrugged.

“Me either,” Tracey spoke up leaving all eyes on Caty.

“Not with Will,” she spoke carefully.

“But something did happen?” Paulette asked, her eyebrow peaked curiously.

Caty sent a hesitant and apologetic glance at Tracey. It wasn’t in her to lie, especially her mama, but she also didn’t want to be forced into telling everyone what had happened that morning with Tracey’s dad either. That made her just as bad a person as he was, she decided.

“We ran into Tracey’s dad in town today,” she answered vaguely, deciding that any further explanation of what had happened would be up to Tracey to tell.

“Oh? Did he cause any trouble?” she asked, her tone matching the frown that had settled on her face.

Caty looked at Tracey, giving him the option to tell it as he chose to, and he nodded thankfully at her. He appreciated her tact; it was a refreshing change from his dad who possessed none. Now the question was, how much should he say? He thought Casey was probably pretty clear on things, at least he should be after everything that had happened between the two of them, but they hadn’t ever officially talked about what that meant. Not for them as people, or for their future, if they even had one, although he liked to think they did.

He smiled at Casey who looked to be a mix of concern and curiosity. Tracey wondered if Casey had ever had this talk with his mom, if anyone knew that Casey liked to hold boys’ hands under the stars or kiss them in the barn. Whatever the case, Tracey was sure he wasn’t gonna be the one to enlighten them if he hadn’t already done so. He flashed a supportive, caring smile at Casey, wishing more than anything, that he could go over and hug him. It felt like they could both use the comfort.

“I don’t think he knows how not to cause trouble,” Tracey finally answered with a roll of his eyes and a look at Paulette. “He thought Caty was my girlfriend, but I straightened him out.”

“Why would he think that?” Paulette treaded carefully, trying to sound more curious than concerned.

“’Cause that’s what he wants to think,” Tracey shrugged. “I made sure he understood that wasn’t the case,” he said, and this time when he looked at Casey, what he saw was not curiosity or concern, but fear.

Not like when something sneaks up on you and surprises you, and not like that feeling you get when you’re lost and have no idea where you are, but that feeling like you’ve lost all control of everything and someone else holds your entire life’s possibilities in their hands. Tracey tried to send him a reassuring smile as his boot slid along Casey’s under the table, just a small showing that he understood, and that Casey’s secret was safe with him. Casey was so spooked that he yanked his leg back, slamming his knee into the underside of the table accidentally, and then all eyes were on him.

“Sorry,” Casey muttered.

“Anyway, I’ll get to work on the fence in the morning,” Tracey said, providing a change of subject in the hopes that he could ease the look that had settled on Casey’s face over the last minute.

“That’ll be fine,” Paulette smiled easily at him.

“I guess I’ll check on Will and catch some shuteye. Had a long day today, and I suspect they won’t be getting any shorter,” Tracey offered. “See y’all in the morning,” he smiled and chanced a glance over at Casey hoping he had eased some of the tension there, but all he found was Casey’s concerted effort to maintain eye contact with his meatloaf.

“Good night,” Paulette smiled.

“Night, Tracey,” Caty offered, squeezing his hand and the look of understanding and appreciation she offered him almost made him feel better.

“G’night,” Tracey echoed and then, with one last unrewarded look in Casey’s direction, he left the big yellow house and the comfortable front porch behind, and headed for bed.

Tracey tried to remind himself that not everyone was as comfortable with who they were, as he was. He wanted to be patient, to give Casey a chance to figure things out for himself, and he certainly didn’t want to put any pressure on him. He had felt enough of that to know that he never wanted to have a hand in making anyone feel that way, ever. That didn’t ease the empty feeling that had crept up on him, or the way he almost wanted nothing more than to hear the screen door open and Casey’s voice calling after him.

That didn’t happen though, and soon enough, Tracey was pushing the heavy wooden door to the bunkhouse open. He wondered if Will was okay, but his door was closed, and Tracey wondered if knocking was a good idea. A closed door that was always open might as well read ‘Do Not Disturb’, no sign necessary. He opted for the other door in the room, and when he had finished in there, he chose his bed instead.

Morning came early, Tracey thought, especially since it always arrived before the sun did, but hearing Will moving around and opening doors woke him up just the same. Tracey didn’t say anything at first, just watched him moving around purposefully from the safety of his bed. He looked okay to Tracey, not moanin’ and groanin’, or holding his stomach or anything, but that didn’t mean he was fine either, Tracey reminded himself cautiously.

“Sorry,” Will sighed, noticing Tracey watching him. “I was tryin’ to be quiet. It’s been a while since I had company in here.”

“S’okay, I need to be gettin’ up anyway,” Tracey answered, still eyeing Will from across the room.

Will nodded, and went on with his business leaving Tracey to get up and get dressed. There wasn’t much talking that happened mornings anyway, but this morning seemed particularly muted. Tracey hated feeling like he was intruding or making anyone uncomfortable, and the strained silence didn’t do anything to improve his view of the situation.

“I’ll be out of your way in a minute,” Tracey mentioned almost under his breath, but not quite.

Will didn’t say anything, even if he did feel a twinge of guilt for not being his usual cheerful self. He just wasn’t sure what was going on, not with himself, not with Tracey and Caty, not with anything lately, and he didn’t like the uncertainty. Things were much simpler before, at least for him, and he wasn’t sure if it was Tracey’s fault, but it sure seemed easier to blame him, even if it wasn’t exactly fair to the guy.

“Hope you’re feeling better,” Tracey offered with a sigh and grabbed his coat. He headed for the door, not waiting for a response.

The crisp air assaulted Tracey as soon as he stepped out onto the tiny porch and there was a moist heaviness in it that felt similar to the weight he carried around wondering what was going wrong. It seemed like yesterday things had started to calm down and that he was going to get along just fine on Kingsman Bluff, but this morning, in the dawn of the new day, he wasn’t so sure anymore. He tugged his coat on and sank into the shelter it provided and wondered, just for a moment, if he could get lost in it.

 

It was still pretty early, Tracey noticed, as he approached the main house with the comforting porch, and since he didn’t see any lights on inside yet, he decided he’d try it out. He sat in a rocking chair and, using just the tips of his toes, gave himself a little shove. The wood beneath the weight of him and the chair creaked softly, and he sat and rocked, like a ripple in the water, until all the power his one push had given him had been exhausted, and then he’d push again.

A light came on behind him, but he thought he’d give whoever it was a few more minutes without his intruding. Will wasn’t here yet anyway, so he had some time. Besides, he wasn’t sure he was ready to go in just yet himself. Maybe having a few minutes to himself would help him relax, maybe he could convince himself he was just being paranoid and that everything was just fine.

“Afraid to go in?” Will’s voice came hesitantly from the shadows.

“Dunno,” Tracey answered simply as he wondered how long Will had been standing there watching him.

“I suppose that’s understandable,” Will allowed. “I wasn’t the best company last night.”

“Not your job,” Tracey pointed out, and Will wished it was lighter out so he could see more than just the outline of Tracey’s features in the dark.

“Everything alright with Case?” Will was fishing and he knew it, but he had hopes he wasn’t the sole cause of the attitude change in their visitor.

“Yeah, think so,” Tracey shrugged to himself.

“I was afraid of that,” Will sighed as he helped himself to a seat on the steps.

“I don’t understand,” Tracey admitted.

“You guys gettin’ along okay?” Will asked, brushing aside Tracey’s confusion in search of his own answers.

“Yeah, why?” Tracey leaned forward, and he wasn’t sure if he was getting more confused, or more frustrated by the minute.

“So you guys aren’t just pretending to get along for Paulette’s sake?” he trudged on.

“No. We’re fine. I like him… he likes me, we’re getting along without any trouble, and I don’t see that changin’ anytime soon. Now, you gonna tell me what’s going on?” Tracey all but demanded.

“You like him,” Will repeated, even if he was wondering exactly what that meant.

“I said so,” Tracey insisted.

“Like you like Caty?” Will wondered aloud.

“No,” Tracey sighed. “Not at all like I like Caty,” he answered, and it was the truth. “Is that what this is, some big brother intimidation speech? ‘Cause if it is, you got nothin’ to worry about,” his tone was definite as he stood up and headed for the front door. “And next time, if you want to know what’s goin’ on, you should just ask,” he said as he walked inside hoping he hadn’t given away anything Casey wasn’t ready to share.

Will walked in a minute later, but Tracey wasn’t watching him. He was more focused on Casey’s empty chair, and wondering when its’ owner would be here to occupy it. He could use a friendly face right about now. Besides, the last happy smile he’d seen on Casey’s face had been much too long ago for his taste. Casey smiling was a guilty pleasure for Tracey, as much as it was something that you always want for someone you care about.

Casey and Caty came down the stairs together, and the resemblance in the early morning hours was astonishing. Tracey couldn’t help but stare. He had noticed similarities between them, and sure, they looked alike, but standing next to one another was something else. They talked quietly between themselves as they came down the stairs, smiling softly, and Tracey couldn’t help smiling at the sight.

Will, having seen the same sight a thousand times over, was paying more attention to Tracey, and saw the interest he had shown when he saw the pair on the stairs. He watched Tracey smile, and watched as Caty sat down beside Tracey and indulged him in a soft greeting. They looked so familiar with each other, and he wondered how that had happened so quickly.

“Good morning, Will,” she finally said.

It was nice of her to take the time to notice him, he thought, as he grunted, “Mornin’.”

“Ready for today?” Casey asked Will, still concerned about his friend’s abrupt exit from the dinner table the night before.

“Course,” Will grouched. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Just thought you might not be feelin’ up to it, but I guess you’re fine,” Casey mentioned, all the while wondering what burr got in Will’s butt.

“I said I was fine,” Will grumbled and Casey decided to let Will have the last word. It wasn’t often Will was in a bad mood, but when he was, it came on fast and strong, and it was best to just get out of the way.

Breakfast was quiet after that, Paulette confirming everyone’s plans for the day. Will and Casey would take the herd down, Tracey would start on the fence, and Caty would be helping Janie with dinner, and then taking some lunch out to the guys before she finished up in the stables. Paulette wondered if Jackson would stop by today, and she found herself thrilling at the thought of seeing him again. It had been years since she had allowed herself to feel like this, and she smiled at the idea of dressing up and dancing with him.

The morning air was cool and fresh as it blew into the barn, and Tracey looked forward to the time when he would be working and warm, instead of wishing his coat was warmer. He was trying to decide what tools he’d need to take with him to make the repairs to the fence so he wouldn’t waste time going back and forth for something he forgot. Definitely a hammer and a saw, a shovel, he suspected, and maybe a crowbar. He wondered if they had a level and a tape measure around there when Casey walked in to get Sheba ready for the day.

“Finding everything okay?” Casey asked as he nuzzled Sheba.

“Sort of,” Tracey said as he rummaged through the large tool box.

“Okay, well most everything we got is in there,” Casey offered as he grabbed the saddle off the wall and headed back towards his favorite black horse.

“I’m sure I’ll manage,” Tracey said trying to convince himself in the process.

It wasn’t like he had a lot of hands-on building experience, and his dad certainly wasn’t the type to take him out and show him how to change the oil on the car, or fix a broken window, or repair a broken fence. He had gotten pretty good at looking at how something was put together and how it came apart so he could figure it out for himself. He had gotten good at figuring out all kinds of things for himself in the last two years. It would be nice if he could figure out what was happening with Will though, he thought to himself just as Will walked into the barn to saddle up Red.

“I’ll be ready in five,” he said to Casey without a word to Tracey, and walked over to Red.

Tracey tried not to look affected, to seem like he wasn’t watching the interaction or wondering what in the hell had changed in the last day, but he just didn’t know. He couldn’t decide if Will was mad, or confused, or just irritated, but it didn’t sit well with Tracey no matter what it was. He didn’t like being the cause of problems, and lord knows, he had caused enough around Kingsman Bluff already.

Casey finished strapping the things he needed for his day to Sheba’s saddle, some rope, a canteen, and then he grabbed the reins and walked Sheba out of the barn. Tracey wondered if Casey would be back since he hadn’t gotten so much as a goodbye, but he forgot about that just as quickly as the thought had arrived in his mind when he realized he was alone with Will again. He chanced a look at the other man, wondering if Will had anymore words in store for him, but it seemed that for the moment, Will was content to pretend Tracey wasn’t even there, and given the alternative, Tracey decided that this would be preferable to him, too.

Tracey grabbed everything he thought he needed and walked silently out of the barn. If he forgot something, he could always come back. It wasn’t too far a walk, and even so, that seemed like a better way to spend his energy than standing in the barn with Will, and worrying about what he would say or do next.

Will would have stopped Tracey and offered him some help, or maybe even a tool belt, something to help him so that he wouldn’t have to juggle all those tools all the way across the pasture. He would have, if he wasn’t so mad, so confused, so tied up in knots inside. He wondered to himself as he watched Tracey’s back get further and further away from him, what exactly his problem was. He knew he was mad, but he wasn’t altogether sure why, and when that mad turned to something else entirely the further Tracey got from him, he wondered briefly, if he was losing his mind.

Casey watched the blond guy that had been occupying all of his thoughts in one way or another for the past two weeks as he walked across the green grass toward the hole in the fence. He hadn’t bothered to ask Tracey if he even knew how to build a fence, but he was sure that Tracey could manage. Then again, he was also sure Tracey wouldn’t have any trouble on a horse either, he smiled, as he remembered catching Tracey in his arms and having an excuse to hold him there, pressed tightly against his front.

“Ready?” Will asked as he walked up, wondering what Casey was smiling about.

“Oh, yeah,” Casey answered, hoping Will hadn’t noticed anything more than the smile on his face, and wondering why he had the sudden urge to hide that, too.

“What ya thinkin’ about?” Will probed not at all subtly.

“Was just wondering if he’s any better at building fences than he is at riding horses,” Casey laughed.

“He can’t ride?” Will asked disbelievingly. “What kind of guy can’t ride?” he asked to one in particular.

“Just never had,” Casey clarified. “I taught him,” the pride much more evident in his voice than he wanted it to be.

“That’s just…,” Will tried, but couldn’t find the words.

“I know, right?” Casey agreed.

Will just didn’t know how someone could get to be Tracey’s age and never have ridden a horse. He knew that not everyone had lived the same life he had, or Casey had, but there were just some things that a man knew how to do, and it made him wonder what kind of life Tracey had growing up. Not that Tracey wasn’t a man, he certainly was, and everyone on Kingsman Bluff seemed to know it, including Caty.

Casey rode along side Will and he wasn’t sure if the silence that had fallen between them was a comfortable one, or if it made him uncomfortable not knowing what was going on inside Will’s head. Jake and Harley barked excitedly when Will and Casey rode up to the pasture gate. The dogs had grown into fiercely protective and loyal cattle dogs in the two years since Casey had gotten hornswoggled into taking them off Doc Hudson’s hands, and he had to admit that they were worth every penny it cost to feed them, even if he grumbled about taking on more mouths to feed every time Caty talked about bringing home a kitten.

“Hey guys,” Casey greeted each of them with a pat on the head and a scratch around their necks. “Ready for the big day?” he asked them as they barked in appreciation.

Will let out a whistle as he called, “C’mere Jake.”

Jake looked at Will, and then back at Casey who was still scratching Harley, wondering if he could stay for some more fun before deciding to give in and get to work. He ran over to Will and was rewarded as Will squatted down to pat his side and scratch his nose. Harley took off running as Casey stood up, and that enticed Jake who was quick to follow, leaving Casey and Will to laugh at their youthful friendship. No questions, no discussion, just following each other like friends do.

 

Casey looked at Will for a minute as he watched the dogs playing, and wondered if he should chance asking his friend what was going on. He wasn’t sure if that would be a brave move, or a stupid one, considering how Will had been acting the last twenty-four hours, but he knew there was something going on. If Casey squinted, he could just make out a figure across the pasture, and he hoped Tracey would be okay on his own.

“So you gonna tell me what’s got you all riled up?” Casey chanced.

Will didn’t say anything so much as he let out a sigh and shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. He wasn’t much of a talker when it came to his feelings, but if there was anyone he was gonna talk to, it was Casey. He might even have taken the chance to talk to Casey about what was going on, but since he didn’t even understand it himself, all he offered Casey was a shrug.

“Maybe some other time then,” Casey offered his friend, his hand landing on Will’s shoulder comfortably.

“Jake, Harley,” Will called with a whistle. “Let’s go,” he said as he grabbed Red’s reins and hauled himself up on the horses back.

Casey followed Will’s lead, and soon, Jake and Harley were doing their job well, collecting and corralling the herd to move them through the open gate and on down to the lower pasture. It was a long, windy dirt road down to the lower pasture, and only about four head of cattle could fit across it safely. It was a slow process to get the whole herd down the mountain safely and they spent all morning working at it. There wasn’t much time to talk while they were working, but when they finally got down the mountain and had the herd in the gate, they sat down to take a break and wait for Caty and their lunch.

“That took a while,” Casey commented, hoping that if they started talking, something useful might come out.

“Yeah, but at least we didn’t have any scares like last winter,” Will recalled.

“I could go my whole life and never have to go through that again, and I’d be just fine,” Casey decided.

“Right,” Will agreed.

“So, what’s going on with you?” Casey asked bluntly.

“I don’t know,” Will admitted.

“Whatever,” Casey snorted in disbelief.

It wasn’t at all like Will not to know his own mind, and it bothered him to think Will was keeping something from him after all these years. Not that he was any better, he reminded himself, as Tracey crossed his mind again, just as the blond newcomer had been doing more and more often in the past few days. He just couldn’t seem to get the way Tracey felt in his arms or the pressure of Tracey’s lips against his own off his mind.

Will sighed. He didn’t want to hurt Casey, and he didn’t like keeping things from him, this was his sister after all. Maybe talking it out with Casey might help him figure this confusing mess out. It was worth a try, Will decided.

“Look, I’m not sure, okay? I’m just sort of confused about some things that I’ve seen lately,” Will told his friend.

“Like what?” Casey huffed, a mixture of curiosity and irritation in his voice.

“Well, there’s the way you and Tracey went from enemies to the best of friends overnight, literally,” he added with a raised eyebrow. “Then there’s the way he and Caty are so… friendly all of a sudden. I guess I just don’t know what to make of it all.”

“What do you mean ‘so friendly’?” Casey wondered since he hadn’t seen anything out of the ordinary himself.

“Well,” Will hesitated, “I saw them together yesterday, and they just seemed like they were gettin’ pretty close.”

“Close how?” Casey asked surprised.

“They were just playing around together, and he was teasing her, and you know how she gets. She tried her best to put him in his place,” Will explained.

“Hmm,” Casey muttered, his lack of something more eloquent to say similar to Will’s attitude from the last day.

“Right,” Will agreed.

“Anything else?” Casey asked.

“Well, yeah, actually,” Will volunteered. “I tried to talk to Tracey about it this morning. He doesn’t know I saw them yesterday, but when I asked him about Caty, he said that he likes her in a different way than he likes you.”

“He said that?” Casey’s voice rising.

“Yeah, and I’m not sure what any of it means,” Will admitted.

“Well, I don’t think Caty likes him,” Casey said, his sarcastic tone as lost on Will as all of Caty’s affections. If Will couldn’t see how much Caty liked him, Casey wasn’t sure he was in any position to judge anything he’d seen.

“What if he likes her?” Will querried.

“Hmm,” Casey managed, even if his mind was a cluttered mess of memories, hopes, and possibilities.

“Caty’s here,” Will pointed out as he heard the old blue pick-up approaching.

“Good, I’m starved,” Casey said standing up and brushing himself off.

Caty was in a hurry to get them their lunches because she still had to deliver Tracey’s to him, too. She didn’t stay long, and that seemed just fine with her, the way Will and Casey were acting. Maybe they were just tired, or maybe whatever Will had caught overnight was rubbing off on Casey. Either way, she was glad to high tail it out of there to someplace happier.

Tracey had been working all morning, tearing down the chicken wire they had rigged up to keep the cattle in, and taking apart the pieces of broken fencing so he could start fresh. He had quite a pile of trash to be hauled away, and he wondered if he could load it into the back of the truck and get Caty to drive it back to the main house for him when she came later with his lunch. He wondered when that would be as he swiped his forearm across his forehead again.

Even as cold as it had been, Tracey was pretty warm working under the midday sun. He was glad he still had Will’s hat to wear, even if Will wasn’t too happy with him right now, he decided, as he tugged it back down onto his head. He still wasn’t sure what that was all about, but he hoped it wasn’t anything too serious. There was still quite a bit of work to do to get things back to the way they were before he had gone and made a mess of them, and it would be easier if everyone was happy, he thought.

Caty arrived with his lunch, and Tracey asked her about hauling the stuff back for him. She agreed it was a smart way to get it done quickly, so he decided he’d put everything in the truck now and eat later, that way she didn’t have to wait around for him. He was sure she had things to be doing, but she insisted he sit down and eat, and he finally relented when she said she needed to eat, too, and said she would join him.

“At least you’re in a better mood than the other two,” she commented absently.

“Oh? What’s going on with them anyway?” Tracey wondered aloud.

“I’m not sure,” Caty answered. “But whatever it is, I hope they get over it soon, the Fall Harvest Carnival is in a few days.”

“Yeah, me too,” Tracey agreed, even if it was for an entirely different reason.

“Oh! I showed Mama the dress,” Caty said excitedly. “She said she can’t wait to see it on me.”

“Me either,” Tracey agreed smiling. “I bet you’ll look beautiful. Will won’t know what hit him.”

Caty blushed as she tried not to let her shock at his candid comment be too evident on her face. “I might hit him if he doesn’t notice,” she admitted sheepishly.

Tracey laughed so hard, and so long, that his stomach ached and his cheeks were sore from smiling, but he felt a hell of a lot better after that, and he hoped she did, too. They finished eating, and even though he told her repeatedly not to, she insisted on carrying pieces of wood over and dropping them into the back of the truck anyway. Truth be told, he was glad for the company and a friendly face the way things had been going for him lately.

When the truck was full, Tracey thanked Caty for the help and the food, and after issuing her a stern warning that, when he got back there, that truck better still be full, went back to work. She drove back to the house and when she got there, toyed with the idea of unloading the truck just to prove a point, but then decided that if Casey and Will came home and saw her doing it, they’d be upset. She didn’t want to cause any more trouble between them and Tracey, whatever was going on already was plenty.

Tracey worked until about four o’clock and, stepping back to take a look, decided he had made quite a bit of progress that day. Another day or two, and the fence should be good as new, he thought, as he collected the tools he had been using to take back to the barn for the night. He made the walk across the pasture to the barn, and he realized that his arms and shoulders were sore from the unusual activity. A nice hot shower would help, he decided, even if the ache he felt each time he lifted his arm was a delicious sensation that reminded him he was making amends.

Tracey entered the barn and noticed it was quiet still. Casey and Will must still be out working, he decided, noticing that Red and Sheba were still as absent as the usual greetings he heard from the animals when he walked in. He wondered if they would be back soon, and if tonight’s dinner would be as tense as the one the night before had been. The tools he had used were replaced from where he had taken them, his skill at remembering how things come apart so he can put them back together again working to his advantage.

The whinny of horses caught his attention, and he tensed up defensively, a feeling he didn’t relish. He willed himself to relax and told himself he’d done nothing wrong, but his shoulders still drooped expectantly. He waited for the sound of hooves on the barn floor, but when they didn’t come, he couldn’t decide if he was more relieved or even more anxious. He finished putting everything away, and just when he had decided to give up and make a break for the bunkhouse and the hot shower he was looking forward to, Casey walked in with Sheba and Red on his sides.

Face to face for the first time since breakfast, and actually close enough to reach out and touch him, Tracey paused, and he had to swallow the fierce urge he had to reach out and grab Casey and just be next to him. Casey gave him a careful smile, one that didn’t quite reach his eyes, and Tracey thought Casey looked as uncomfortable as he felt, and he wasn’t sure if that was comforting or not.

“Hi,” Casey said hesitantly.

“Hi,” Tracey replied with an uncertainty that was heavy. “Everything go okay today?” he asked as he moved aside when it became clear that Casey wanted to get the horses inside.

“Yeah,” Casey called over his shoulder as he tended to the horses.

Tracey turned and followed Casey back into the barn, hoping for something, anything, some small assurance from Casey that things would be alright. He needed to feel like they would be, even if it only lasted until he left the barn, it would be something.

When Casey realized that Tracey was still standing there, he asked, “How’d it go for you today?”

“Okay, I think I made quite a bit of progress,” Tracey said as he shoved his hands in his pockets.

“Yeah? That sounds good,” Casey said hefting the saddle off Red’s back and brushing past Tracey on his way to where it hung on the wall.

“Yeah,” Tracey confirmed as Casey brushed back past him again. “Should be finished in another day or two.”

“That’s good,” Casey said as he repeated the same steps with Sheba’s saddle.

“What about you guys?” Tracey asked. “All finished?”

“For now,” Casey answered as he slipped the halter over Sheba’s head.

“Okay,” Tracey acknowledged, rocking on his feet anxiously.

When Casey didn’t respond, Tracey wrapped his arms around himself protectively and sighed. Why was this so hard, he wondered? Why did everything seem so scary, and what could he do to get the tightness he felt in his chest go away?

“Are you okay?” Tracey tried.

“Yeah, why?” Casey asked absently as he worked.

“Why?” Tracey said louder than he intended to, earning Casey’s attention. “What’s going on?” he demanded.

“What do you mean?” Casey asked vaguely.

“I mean, why are you acting like nothing happened? Why is Will pissed at me? Why won’t you look at me?” he demanded as he grabbed Casey’s arm, effectively stopping him from walking away again.

“What are you talking about?” Casey scoffed, pulling his arm free.

“Case,” Tracey started, catching Casey’s attention, and just for a moment, his look softened. “Come on, I was on the same pile of hay as you were. I was standing right over there next to you when…”

“I know, alright,” Casey cut him off.

“Look, I’m not trying to make this hard on you Case. I just want to know what’s going on, what you’re feeling,” Tracey implored.

Casey huffed out a breath. If it was that simple, he thought, he’d have told Tracey a week ago when he was staring out his bedroom window at the stars, or a few nights back under the safety of darkness as his fingers were sliding between Tracey’s, or two days ago here in the barn when nothing felt more right than having Tracey in his arms. If it was that simple, he’d be kissing Tracey right now instead of trying to decide what he was supposed to be saying.

“I know this isn’t easy,” Tracey whispered as he stepped closer to Casey, even if it was to feel the comfort of being closer to him.

“I don’t know what to say,” Casey admitted quietly.

“Tell me what you’re feeling,” Tracey pushed just as quietly, lifting his eyes from the floor to meet Casey’s brown ones.

Casey couldn’t find any words that seemed like the right ones. None that were strong enough, or true enough anyway. The only thing he could think of, was… kissing him, he realized, the moment his lips pressed against Tracey’s.

Tracey inhaled, and then melted right into Casey as if there was no other place he wanted to be, or belonged, in the whole world, besides right there. Casey groaned as he finally gave into his feelings and allowed himself the thing he wanted more than anything, the thing he had been thinking of all day, and dreaming of all night, and he was shocked once again by how much stronger reality was, than the dreams that provoke it. Casey took a step closer, and when his fingers brushed against Tracey’s, he pressed his own against them until he was drawing his own gently down Tracey’s palm and up again.

Casey shuddered, the physical sensations much too strong to pretend he wasn’t feeling them. As much as he wanted to wrap Tracey in his arms, he felt tentative in his actions, much like he did with his feelings. Tracey rose up on his toes, his fingers grasping at Casey’s as he leaned into him and tipped his head slightly, the stubble of the day on Casey’s face thrilling him. The growl in the back of Tracey’s throat encouraged Casey, and he bit down on Tracey’s lip momentarily until that wasn’t enough for him anymore, his tongue pushing in between Tracey’s swollen lips.

Tracey squeezed the hands that held his, wanting more than was being offered, pleading for it, and as much as Casey wanted to be able to give it to him, he just didn’t know how. He knew what Tracey was asking, but he just wasn’t sure it was something he had in him. Reluctantly, Casey stepped back, physically pained by the separation.

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, squeezing Tracey’s hand one last time before releasing it, and then he walked away, leaving Tracey more confused than he had been this morning and with an ache inside that no hot shower would be able to soothe.

 

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