Making snow angels in quicksand - 1. Chapter 1

"We're here." My voice comes out deeper than usual because of how long I've been silent.

"Thanks for the ride, Levi, and once again I'm really sorry for..."

"Don't worry about it, Florian," I interrupt him, with a weak smile, "It's okay."

Florian bites his lower lip, hard. "Take care."

Opening the door, the guy I'm in love with grabs his backpack from the backseat and gets off the car, closing the door behind him. He waves briefly at me before entering his dorm building.

Nothing is okay.

No one in the world in their right mind would be okay after planning a surprise visit, visualising the most different scenarios with a warm welcome into the arms of the person they like, and then suddenly realising the person they like was never really into them in the first place.

And worse, this is not the first time this is happening. And I should've been more careful with whom I fall in love with. I really just thought with Florian would be different.

But deep down you kind of already knew this would happen, Levi, I thought to myself.

That's indeed a truth. A part of me fights not to believe it, another part hopes that I'm actually self-sabotaging myself given my poor track record in the field of love.

The thing is, I've been suspicious about Florian's feelings towards me. The last messages we shared told me that I was much more there for him than the other way around.

However, when it comes to the person I've been in love with for months, it's hard to be rational.

Starting the car again, I drive through the streets of Bonn, not really looking forward for three hours drive back home.

Thinking of home, I feel a bit relieved that my brother, Timo, will be away until Sunday afternoon. Mostly because I don't want to explain the lack of cheerfulness stamped on my face.

I run my hand through my hair and take a few deep breaths while I keep driving.

My chest hurts. But I don't feel like crying. Although I feel extremely sad. I'm not the kind of person that cries when gets hurt, I'm always the one who rebels against sadness with joy. It has been like this since I was young.

As a child, my two front teeth were huge, maybe they looked bigger because they were so prominent, but I didn't care about that detail, unlike my classmates, who couldn't ignore the fact that my incisors were bigger than 'normal'.

A girl from a different class who loved to tease me, nicknamed me Bugs Bunny. I spent weeks being bullied at school and coming home crying. Until one day, over dinner at home, my parents - probably tired of seeing their son sad - decided to give me some advice that I ended up keeping for life.

'Sometimes, honey, the best answer is giving the other cheek.'

At the time, it took me a while to understand what they meant by that, but after a while I understood it. I developed one of the defence mechanisms best known to those who somehow feel affected or offended by some joke: making the joke first.

At school, while they continued to call me Bugs Bunny, I kinda embraced the nickname, and even would say some of his classic lines. The reverse effect worked: instead of leaving school crying, I did my imitation of Bugs and the children around me laughed. When the kids realized that I no longer cared about the nickname, they stopped using it.

Despite those little jokes, it never affected my social life, my mind or anything like that. I dealt with it lightly and years later, wearing braces helped fixing my 'problem'.

But through that experience, I learned to quash my feelings by letting out a funny joke, making people laugh. Assuring them that everything is okay and I'm not hurt by their 'comments'.

Like, for example, with Florian, when I told him that everything is fine, I'm sure I'll be upset for a short while, but it'll soon pass.

It always does, it's a fact. There's no broken heart that can't be healed, but the fact that it heals doesn't mean that it's easy.

I sigh loudly trying to put aside those thoughts as I arrive in Bockenheim and park the car on the street in front of my parents' house.

I feel a bit relieved to find my family gathered in the backyard, so they don't notice me entering the house. While I walk up the stairs, my phone vibrates and the screen shows a picture of Matthias, my best friend. I quickly pick up.

"What's up, Romeo? Did you declare your love to your online boyfriend?" he asks. I take a deep breath while I open the door of the bedroom I share with my older brother, keeping the phone propped on my shoulder and this is enough for Matthias to understand everything. "It went all wrong, didn't it?"

"What do you think? I'm doomed to love failure, Matt." I exclaim louder than I intended to. I walk into the bedroom, taking my scarf and jacket off.

"So, should we go to Relish? First drink's on me." Matthias's voice sounds weaker, but despite this, his question makes me smile a little bit.

"I'll pick you up in half an hour."

We say our goodbyes briefly and I throw my phone on the bed, then get undressed, walking towards the bathroom.

I don't take long in the shower, and a few minutes later, I'm back in the bedroom with a towel wrapped around my waist.

I look at my reflection in the wardrobe mirror and see a 24 years young man, with a lean body, fair skin and curly brown hair. The hazel eyes are adorned by two half moons from lack of sleeping. Part from the holidays party my parents decided to throw this year, and part from staying up late at night playing video games with my cousins who came to visit us.

I'm not the hottest guy you'll ever meet, but I'm not bad looking either. I don't have any problems in approaching guys or even getting their numbers, but I realized that the majority of them don't want anything serious. My first boyfriend told he wanted to explore new things, the second told me he wasn't sure he was ready for a serious relationship yet, after a month of us dating. Then the third one asked me if I could introduce him to my brother when I showed him a picture of Timo and told him that he's also gay. He stated that he was into older men after all. Funny because Timo isn't that old. He's 28, making him four years older than me.

We ended up breaking up. And after some time I moved on. I was okay again... That, until Florian happened.

I shake my head, trying to forget the cute, ginger, 22 years old boy I met just a few months ago and thought that he was the one. How dumb of me. I should have seen the red flags. I should've noticed that right after Christmas he started taking longer to reply to my messages. Giving me short answers. Something was clearly off, but I chose to ignore it.

I sigh and quickly get dressed. I pick up my phone and type a message to Matthias, letting him know I'm on my way to his house, before leaving mine.

A few minutes later I'm parking my car in front of a house with large arched windows. I see Matthias' father, Mr. Wiedermann, cleaning the snow off his car, and Matthias waiting for me at the door.

My friend says goodbye to his father and walks to my car. In his big winter coat and the thick scarf around his neck, I can't help but to notice how cuddly he looks. Like a teddy bear.

Matthias is slightly chubby. He started losing weight for a while now by making some changes to his diet and exercise routine. He's been eating healthier foods, cutting back on sugar and processed foods. Additionally, he's been exercising regularly by going for walks, jogging, and doing some strength training exercises at home. Although it's been challenging at times, he's made a huge progress towards his weight loss goals and I'm proud of him for his commitment and dedication.

Many times I asked him to join me in the gym, to which he refused. He told me he prefers doing this by himself. And that I would distract him if we exercise together. I didn't understand what he meant by that. And I really didn't ask further.

I smile when I see him opening the car's door and taking the passenger seat.

"Man, it's so damn cold." He says, before buckling the seatbelt. "I'll never get used to this."

I laugh, "You're talking as if you never experienced winter before."

"Well, yes. But this year's winter is just deadly." He turns to me, and in his caramel brown skin, I can see the red colour tinting his ears, cheeks and button nose, due to the cold weather. "How are you feeling?"

I shrug, "I don't know but a beer right now sure will help."

Matthias and I met in secondary school. He was transferred from Berlin because of his father's job, but the moment he stepped foot in Frankfurt, despite having no problems in making friends and even fitting in, he was willing to return to his home city. It's where the rest of his family live anyway, so I understand.

We bonded over video games and after working in a group project together, he opened up to me about his sexuality, which made me do the same and since then we didn't stop talking and became best friends.

Because he lives with his father and normally the man is always traveling for work, Matthias is more than used to spend some important dates, like Christmas, with my family. But this year he spent it with his mother in Berlin.

"A beer? Levi, it's cold as hell and you want a beer?" he asks with a scoff. "So it was really that bad, huh?"

I sigh heavily as I start the car again and arrow to leave the street.

Instead of replying to his question, I ask him about his holidays and Matthias, perceptive as he is, soon realises that although he knows I'll tell him how my holidays went, I also want a little extra time and some mild conversation before talking about how disastrous my trip to Bonn was. I'm not going to run away from the subject, I just want to put it off for a while, maybe until I have some drink in hand.

Relish is a gay bar in downtown Bockenheim, where Matthias works as a part-time waiter. He doesn't work on January, simply because the place is less busy during this month of the year. And I see that when we enter it. It's completely empty, saved for a guy having gluhwein next to the fireplace.

Matthias and I walk towards the table in a corner and quickly Conrad, the bar's manager and Matthias's friend and boss, comes to take our orders.

"A beer for me and for him a..."

"Just a water." Matthias cuts in.

The manager smiles and steps aside to go to the part of the counter where the drinks are prepared.

I turn to Matthias and raise an eyebrow, "Water?"

"Levi, you asked for beer. I'm sure you want to get drunk, and one of us needs to be sober to drive back home." he gives a muffled laugh and takes off the gloves, the scarf and coat he's wearing.

"You know me so well," leaning my elbow on the table, I lay my face down to look at him even more closely.

"And how well I know you..." he ponders, sighing. "And because I know you so well, I know you're stalling to tell me what happened, so how about you start opening your mouth right before your tongue curls up from drinking?"

He crosses his arms and I take a deep breath to then finally start talking about my disastrous holidays.

"Where to start?" I prop a finger on my chin and pretend to think. "Well, my parents decided to throw a Christmas party instead of the regular dinner we have every year. And you already know how my house is during holidays, family members that I didn't even know I have come to visit us, kids being loud, my little sister running around everywhere... the usual."

"Yes, a typical Heidrich Christmas dinner, I know how it is very well." Matthias laughs. "Your brother texted me upset that I 'ditched' you guys this year."

"Really. If you'd gone, it would have saved me from wasting gas all the way to Bonn." I punctuate, as Conrad places the beer glass in front of me.

"Honestly, Levi... I still can't believe you travelled all the way to Bonn just to see a guy you were not even sure you were dating. I mean, you once bought a ring for your ex-boyfriend when you were just four months in the relationship. And last year you made a whole song just to ask your crush out. Oh and that time..."

"You're not helping, Matt," I massage my temples and see him widening his eyes slightly startled.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to make you worse, it's just that..."

"I'm just joking..." I reply and see a simple spreading on his lips. "It's not your fault that I'm 'overly emotional', like my brother puts it."

"Well, so be it. Leaving that factor aside, proceed. You travelled to Bonn and? Come on! I have all night, I'm curious to understand everything that happened."

Without further ado, I put aside the winding up and start to tell my best friend everything that happened, from the beginning. Matthias hasn't met Florian yet, I was waiting to introduce him when we actually started dating.

I met Florian online, in a discord server. We clicked right away. We have the same interests, likes and dislikes. After two months of online chatting, we decided to meet in real life.

His idea was for me to go to him, since I have a car. Which I didn't mind.

When we finally met, I realised that I really liked him. And I thought he felt the same. At least that's what he let out to me.

I never got to actually ask him to date because during that time we both were busy with final exams. But I wasn't worried because everything seemed to be fine a few days after Christmas, when Florian came to Frankfurt and we went out together.

Everything seemed on track, two people getting to know each other.

When he returned home, we shared a kiss, before he got in the train. And I thought that it was my cue to go after him and make it official.

I mention to Matthias about how going to Bonn seemed not only a great idea to surprise Florian, but also a great escape from home. In the beginning it was okay, but then having so many people in the house for three whole weeks became unbearable. Even after the New Year's party, the house still wasn't empty. And I really thought to myself that I can't wait to live alone, having my own space and privacy and although I love my family, I no longer feel like I belong in that reality of home.

I know I should have my own place by now, but living with my parents while still in university, turned out to be much cheaper and more practical than I originally thought. Not only am I able to save money on rent and utilities, but I also can focus more on my academic goals without the added stress of juggling a part-time job or worrying about making ends meet. But once I'm almost done with school, I'll start looking for a place to move in to.

"Man, I understand you so well. I prefer a thousand times living alone and having my own space than having to share the house with several people," Matthias comments while drinking his water.

"I can't wait to be done with uni and have my own space," I drink the rest of my beer and motion for Conrad to bring me another glass.

"And I can't wait to get back to Berlin either, my favourite corner of the world!" I roll my eyes hearing him talking about his city just to spite him.

Matthias is the only child from a broken marriage. His parents got divorced when he was 14. But during the time they were together, he witnessed countless heated arguments between them. And it didn't help that he had to deal with racism growing up. Especially in school. Children can be cruel at times. I know this very well. I had my fair share of bullying growing up. But, different from my best friend, I learned how to deal with mine.

But despite his difficult childhood, he has grown into an incredibly resilient and compassionate person. He's always had a great sense of humor, and he never lets his past experiences hold him back from achieving his goals. In fact, he's currently pursuing a degree in psychology, with the hope of one day helping other children who have experienced similar struggles. He confessed to me once, that as soon he graduates, he'll look for job in Berlin and live there. I'll miss him, of course, after all, Matthias is one of the most positive and inspiring people I know. But I'll be happy knowing he's reaching his goals in live.

"But, back to the point." He pushes me lightly by the shoulders, You were at home, annoyed at your family, thinking about the kiss and thought, 'why not driving for almost four hours in this snowy cold winter to see the boy I'm not even dating yet?', instead of... I don't know, messaging him?"

"When you talk like that it sounds so ridiculous..." I smile weakly, "But yeah, it was almost that. My cousins were screaming in my sister's room, and I thought about the kiss we shared, while reading our messages and thought 'why not?' And so I went to Bonn."

Matthias listens intently to every word I tell him about the trip to Bonn, the anticipation that grew in me every moment I approached the city. The moment I arrived Florian's dorm and his roommate telling me he was in a Café, not very far from there. I knew better than to show up unannounced. But hey, isn't this how surprises work?

So I went to the Café, only to be greeted by a startled expression that clearly showed that Florian wasn't happy to see me there.

He was there with his best friend, who seemed more eager to talk to me than the very guy I went to visit. The whole atmosphere felt so off.

I only realised that something was really wrong when a fourth person joined us. Some guy, named Adam. Florian's face changed completely the moment Adam sat next to him.

"Do you think this Adam guy is the issue?" asks Matthias, taking another sip of his water and thanking the freshly arrived portion of snacks in front of us.

"Not only do I think, I'm sure of it. I didn't even have to ask him, it was all very clear in our conversation on the way back to his dorm building. Ultimately, that conversation was just what I needed to confirm what I already knew deep down inside..."

"That he wasn't into you and was into another guy?"

"Yup." I reply, sighing softly.

"So it's over between you two?"

I snort, "We ended what didn't even start properly." I stress with a certain bitterness in my voice. "But then again, nothing new in the life of Levi Heidrich, the guy who just wants a boyfriend."

"Don't talk like that, man. Any guy who doesn't appreciate you has to be pretty dumb, you're wonderful." he punctuates tapping my shoulder with a gentle smile on his lips.

"You're my best friend, Matt. Almost like a brother to me. Compliments coming from you have no effect."

Matthias shakes his head from side to side and I notice when his full lips open and close quickly, as if he is going to say something but gives up.

"Since I'm your best friend," he comments giving a slight sigh, "it's my duty to cheer you up, so..."

"Then I'll have a shot of jagermeister." I interrupt him.

"That's not what I wanted to suggest..."

"But you said yourself you're here to cheer me up, and jagermeister always cheers me up." I raise my hand calling Conrad and asking him for a shot, "Have it with me, so we get bad together."

"Nah, man. One of us needs to be sober. If you want to get drunk, you'll do it on your own." he replies, scrutinising my face, "I like it when you let your hair grow like this."

"Do you? You know who said the same thing? Florian. He commented on it on one of our last dates and look how it turned out... I left my hair like this because of him and now, here I am, drinking and heartbroken."

Matthias bites his bottom lip with the tip of his teeth and I know him well enough to know that it's the sign he wants to say something but is pondering his words.

"Come on, say what you're thinking." I question him and but before he can answer, a shot glass appears in front of me, "That's what I'm talking about. Thanks man." I thank Conrad and he gives me a friendly smile.

"God, it's going to be a long night!" hisses Matthias as he watches my movements intently.

"You promised you'd be my best friend in any situation and besides," I take the small glass between my fingers and lift it off the table, "as my uncle once say, drink to forget."

With Matthias's laughter ringing in my ears, I gulp the drink down in one go cringing at the taste burning my throat.

"Your uncle gave you a terrible advice. Just don't become an alcoholic like him," Matthias replies with a brief laugh and continues, "and if you ask me, there's better ways to med a broken heart."

"Which are?"

He smiles sideways and I look at him suspiciously. I know that look, his dark brown eyes flicker a little extra when he has some idea he thinks is infallible or genius.

"I know that look of yours, Matthias Wiedermann," I squint my eyes at him "what do you have in mind?"

"A better way to heal broken hearts." He gets up and goes to talk with Conrad.

Matthias says something to him and the blond man nods at whatever my best friend is talking about and the two disappear behind the counter.

A few minutes later, Matthias returns and sits down with a triumphant expression on his lips and two microphones on his hand.

"What's going on?" I ask him.

"Relax, you'll find out."

I open my mouth to ask again what he's talking about but he put his index finger on his lips, signaling me to be silent. Then Conrad goes to the end of bar, where I see him turning a TV screen on. Words appear on the screen and a melody that I know so well starts to resonate over the speakers while a mischievous smile spreads across my best friend's lips.

"Please tell me you didn't do that?" I ask leaning my head on the table and hiding my face.

"That what? Putting on that terrible playlist you created for me to get over my broken heart two years ago? I might have." He hands me one of the microphones, "here, we installed a karaoke system yesterday. Sing with me."

"Did I mention you're the worst friend ever?"

"Please be quiet and let the song lull your broken heart."

I start to laugh at his line and quickly he starts to sing the whispered verses of one of my favourite songs.

"I thought you hated the playlist. How come you know this song?"

He stops singing to drink the rest of his water, "Well, you play it so much, I ended up learning the lyrics... By accident," he adds the last part when I give him a skeptical look.

Matthias and my brother used to date a while ago - two years ago to be more specific. But their relationship didn't last long. They broke up just three months after. Neither Matthias nor Timo ever told me the reason why. And I really never pressed them to do so. They are still friends but back when the relationship ended, Matthias was really down. I guess he really liked Timo.

I didn't know what to do to help my best friend other than creating a really stupid playlist for him. I knew that he's not a big fan of pop rock music, but I just wanted to see him smiling again. I thought that the music that always cheers me up when I'm down, would have the same effect on him.

He laughed when I sent him the link to the playlist. After that his mood started to get better. I guess my plan kinda worked.

"If we're really going to sing loudly in the middle of an empty bar, I need another shot of jagermeister." I raise my hand to Conrad who quickly gets my request. At the same time, the song that Matthias is singing excitedly putting on a painfully mellow performance gives way to another melody that I love. "How long has it been since I've listened to this song!"

"Enjoy that today you have a free pass to be a little emo next to me."

I get up, grab the microphone and touch his arm pushing him slightly to the side and this time, it's my out of tune, high pitched voice that rises to intone the verses of one of my favourite bands from my teenage years.

With alcohol in hand and sipping it too quickly, Matthias and I start to amaze the bar's manager as we sing the songs from the playlist. At some point, Conrad joins us, because why not. There's really no one in the bar - the one guy we saw earlier when we got in, has left a long time ago.

Conrad and I know the songs by heart. But Matthias has to look at the screen to follow the lyrics for some, if not the majority, of them.

By the time the seventh song starts resounding through the speakers, I've ordered my sixth shot and feeling that won't be able to take another one.

Conrad tell us he has to close the bar, and gives back the microphone to Matthias, asking him if he can turn the karaoke off. "Come on, boss!" Matthias holds out his hand and gets up from his chair, "just one more song."

The man, that looks almost my age, sighs, "Just one then I really have to close." He says before going inside.

Matthias turns to me, "Okay, I saved the best for last." He takes the TV control and selects the song I don't listen for years now.

"I'm too drunk for this." I punctuate seriously, but still, I take the microphone and accompay him in both the dance and the tune so well known to me.

The song gets to the chorus and I spare no effort to perform as best I can the verses I've memorised when younger.

Matthias sings excitedly and I take the moment Conrad comes out of the kitchen to order another shot of jagermeister. In fact, there's nothing better than a lot of alcohol in the blood and bad songs to extravasate all the sensations and forget the fact that I still feel like an idiot.

However, I can always count on my best friend, I can never thank him enough for helping me forget my lousy holidays.

Conrad gives me the glass, before telling me he'll be right back. I gladly accept the shot, and as I see him going back inside, I take the drink and feel my body twitch from the amount of alcohol.

My vision is a little blurry, so I decide to sit down to try to ease the effects. I continue watching Matthias singing and can't help but notice the way a beautiful smile decorates his face, showing the little dimples on his slightly chubby cheeks.

He has made a lot of progress with his exercise and diet. He still hasn't reach his goal yet but he's getting close to it each day. I've noticed that he's become more confident and energetic.

I don't know why, but I never noticed before that my best friend is beautiful. For a few seconds I watch him looking at me and I let myself be mesmerized by him.

Despite being shorter than me, he's one of the most confident and outgoing people I know, and his mixed race heritage (half black and half white) is just one of the many things that makes him unique and fascinating to be around. He often tells me about his experiences growing up and how he's had to navigate different cultural identities and expectations, but he's always embraced his background with pride and curiosity. I feel lucky to have such a diverse and open-minded friend who can teach me so much about the world and myself.

When I first met Matthias I thought that he was really cute. Nothing more than that. But now I can't deny that he's very handsome. I'm not capable of ignoring that, even if we are best friends and this line will never be crossed.

"What is it?" he questions, still smiling.

"Nothing, just watching you."

I notice when his movements stop slightly and he seems about to say something to me. When his lips open, my brain gets distracted by the karaoke song filling the speakers and the urge to sing speaks louder. I grab the microphone off the table and get up. I start out of tune intoning the verses and can't help but laugh at the way Matthias is looking at me. I'm probably singing louder than necessary, but that's the intention all along.

Laughing at me, he joins in on the chorus and I can't help but to think, again, that there's no one better to be with at this moment than him.

When the instrumental part of the song comes in, I touch his hand. "Come on Matt, dance with me," my voice sounds slurred and I can feel my tongue curling.

"Levi, you're too drunk, I don't think that's a good idea."

"I know, that's why we should dance" I take his hand with mine and increase the force to pull him to me.

Without grace but slightly surrendered, Matthias comes to my arms, I pull him so we're closer. He's shorter than me, which forces him to tilt his head back a little so he can look me in the eyes.

While we dance slowly, my friend leans his face against my chest while we move in silence to the melody of one of the songs that marked my adolescence.

We don't let go when it's time to sing again. We let the lyrics run on the screen, without anyone to follow it. For a slit second, my mind takes me to Florian. Is he with that guy from the Cafe? Why did he kiss me if he was never interested in me in the first place? Why did he let me fall for him?

"I can't take any more pain," I murmur close to my friend's ear, but it's more to myself than anything. "I'm so tired of having my heart hurt by something I created in my head."

"You're not the only one to blame, Levi." Matthias continues to sway us and I briefly realise that it's him guiding me than the other way around.

"I know it's part of the 'being a decent person' combo to accept when someone rejects you, but... It's so bad."

He lifts his head a bit to look at me and scrutinises my face with an emotion my drunk brain can't read, "Being a decent person means understanding their decision, Levi. Accepting the 'no' and not pressuring them. Unfortunately learning to deal with the pain that comes with it, is also part of the process. You're a great guy and you know it, you have every right to be upset about everything that happened."

"I know. Deep down I know I'm not wrong, but I'm tired of feeling like this, Matt." I rest my head on his shoulder and inhale the mint scent of his cologne. "Will I never be able to be happy? In the love department, at least?"

"Levi," Matthias' right hand massages my hair and he murmurs, "sometimes, you're just looking in the wrong place. Sometimes, love is right there in front of us, but we're unable to see it."

The sentence uttered by my best friend takes me by surprise. And it hits my heart right on the bottom. I lift my head from his shoulder to look at him and for a few moments I feel the atmosphere changing. Matthias dark brown eyes are staring at me and I can see them a little brighter.

We are away from the chairs we were occupying, the music has stopped a while ago and the TV screen has faded to black.

Part of me also knows that I have a large amount of alcohol in my system right now, but something inside me is telling me that what I'm seeing in my friend's eyes has nothing to do with my drunk state and even less does it seem to be something in my head.

"Matthias..." I mumble his name looking down until I actually face his brown irises, which now look pitch black.

"Levi, I..."

Before he can say anything, I shorten our distance even more by leaning down and capturing his lips with mine, slipping my tongue in between his parted lips. In the back of my mind, I half expect him to bite my tongue off, however, there's another part of me hoping he'll do something decidedly more fun with my tongue.

When Matthias doesn't push me away, in fact leans forward into the kiss, I feel as if a sequence of waves hits me, all at once, sending me into a deep sea, into waters I've never dived into before.

I know the name of each of the guys I've fallen in love with and kissed, I can remember almost precisely most of the kisses I've shared up to this moment. But none of them has aroused this reaction: the back of my neck on fire, my skin heating up from the touch, the shivers.

The kiss is brief, but when I open my eyes, I find Matthias' eyes pinned to mine. He looks shocked, as if he can't believe that this just happened.

"Levi, what was that? I don't think..."

Before he can actually complete the sentence, I kiss him again. Because I need to. Because the first time felt too right.

As our tongues, at first, battle for dominance and then slowed to a dance, his hands somehow find their way into my hair, while mine tug on his sweater, trying to pull him even closer to my body, as if I can physically absorb his body into my own.

Wasting no time and with an immense need rising inside me, I push him closer to the wall. I need to touch him. A part of me tries to warn me that it's the alcohol taking over, that all these sensations are only happening in my body because of the exacerbated consumption of jagermeister and beer, but the other part - and this much stronger - tells me that the shivers that run from my back to my neck aren't normal. I've never felt like this before.

I hold Matthias's body to the wall and don't disconnect our mouths, I just intensify our contact. I hear a moan from one of us. Whether it's mine or his, I can't tell, I'm too involved, soaked in his touch. I've never felt someone's lips moulded so beautifully to mine.

He touches my face with his hands and I feel my body responding to his touch almost immediately, even more so when his hands entered my hair once again. 'I want more, I need more.' I tell myself when I place one of my legs between his, and feel his erection, provoking a muffled moan from him, making me realise that he wants this as much as I do.

However, even though my body is showing signs of desire, it's also reacting differently. My stomach is making some strange sounds and I hope that this is another sign of emotion, that it's my body reacting to the fact that I'm kissing my best friend and we're both hard for eachother.

But the sounds intensify and I start to feel something even stronger, a strange taste on my lips.

Fearing what's coming, I slowly pull away from Matthias and look deeply into his eyes. "Levi, I need to tell you something..." He says, breathing heavily. Whatever he wants to say seems important.

"Hey guys I really need to close now..." Conrad's voice reaches us when he comes out of the kitchen. He looks at me and frowns, "Levi? Are you okay? You look... green..."

I process his words, but can't give an answer because right after his last words, I feel something coming up from my stomach. And without time to run to the bathroom, I end up throwing up on Matthias's sweater, before passing out.