Derailed - 11. Forgotten Memory

Chapter 10
I was falling for what seemed like forever. I couldn’t tell how long I had been in the dark, a few days, a few years? But it didn’t matter anymore, for all the emptiness it brought, it also brought peace. I had no thoughts, no emotion... no pain... just me and the dead space around me. I couldn’t fully remember why or how I had gotten there. I just remembered a terrible pain. Every fiber in me wanted to never go back there, and I began forgetting things... my friends, my name, even him, the boy whose face I still saw every now and then. I knew he was important, but I couldn’t bring myself to remember why or who he was, only that he was somehow related to the pain I had once felt.

So I remained there in limbo, just drifting semiconscious. At times I would hear far off voices echoing, as though they were arguing. It was a woman and man talking.

“Oh my God, what happened?” The woman’s voice sounded frantic and sacred. As the voices passed through, images would flash in my head, images of faces and events that I vaguely remembered, but just as the images and the voices came, they left all the same.

It felt like forever, but over time I slowly became aware of a new presence all together. It was subtle at first. I would have almost been able to convince myself that it wasn’t really there if it weren’t for the voice that came with it. This wasn’t an echo of far off voices arguing. This voice was more like a whisper in the back of my head. And every time it spoke I would feel a small twinge of what I had left behind resurface.

When I had first become aware, it was so small it was almost inaudible and I couldn’t make out what it was saying, but I knew it was speaking to me and finally I began to try to answer back.

“Who are you?” but I got no response, just the same whispering, so I tried once again, this time louder.

“HELLO!” and once again nothing, but then, over the whispering voice, a louder one spoke, but it was in such a rash tone I couldn’t tell who it was. It wasn’t a voice I really recognized; I couldn’t even tell if it was male or female. It sounded like several whispering voices talking in unison.

“You need to remember; all depends on it.” The voice was calming, but at the same time almost desperate. And it spoke again. “Tell me what your name is.”

As it spoke, things began replaying in my head, like watching an old movie, only like watching it through your own eyes. I saw an image of me running. I was chasing the same boy whose face I had seen before, only it wasn’t the same it was younger and happier. I was chasing after him laughing. We were playing together. My heart gave a huge jump and I felt a surge of emotional pain hit me again and I instantly shut it off from my mind.

“I... I don’t know,” I said, not wanting to go any further. But the voice wouldn’t accept that. It was intent on torturing me.

“Yes you do. You need to remember. I can help you.” And with that, the event began to play over, of me and the boy playing; I was chasing him up and down a train. When finally he turned to look at me, a smile on his face seemed to bring a sense of warmth to me.

“Your gonna hafta be faster than that, Cameron,” he said. He instantly disappeared in front of me. But somehow, seeing this didn’t scare me or even surprise me, but rather roughly, another name came to the surface.

“Cameron... my name is Cameron.” The words had barely left my lips when I was hit with flash after flash and wave after wave of faces, names, places, events. It was like someone had tried to slam an entire life’s worth of emotion and memory into 10 seconds. My... my heart felt as though it would swell and explode. I wanted to rip it from my chest. Names began returning to me. Corbin, Andrea, Adrian, Bruiser, Mark.

As each of their names came to me, so did a surge of memories surrounding them like bullets, images of Corbin fighting and protecting us, Andrea doing everything she could to reverse the damages our life had caused, and how much they really did love each other, but were unwilling to admit it to the rest of us, or in some ways to themselves. I guess when you admit you love someone, it’s all that much harder when you lose them. And with that another surge came, as images of the boy once again flashed through me like a highlight reel playing in over and over, his voice, his smile, his warmth, and finally, his death... and then he came back to me...

“Seth.” I said his name in a low tone under my breath and I felt a new sadness wash over me and I wondered if I had never admitted I loved him, would it have been any easier?

“Where am I?” I asked now, becoming more and more aware of my situation. I couldn’t tell if I was asleep and just dreaming, or somewhere else entirely. The last thing I remembered was the truck and Mark stabbing me in the neck with his syringe. But why I couldn’t bring myself to remember what brought him to do that? I still had so many patches of my life missing. “What do you want with me?” I called out to the voice. And I was greeted, once again, by the courses of whispering voices.

“You need to remember... what really happened that night.” There was a pause and finally the voices spoke again. “How did you lose your mother?” the voices said, sounding desperate for an answer.

“They took her,” I said, as images of the night filled my head. “The soldiers took her.” I could feel myself reliving it all over again. It was dark that night, too dark to see anything. I was lying on the ground; every part of my body hurt too much to move and I couldn’t remember how I had gotten there. I remember the rain falling down, distorting the sound. A few yards away I could see my mom lying on the ground, unconscious. Tears began to run down my face as I tried to reach out for her. But the slightest movement sent shock waves of pain through my body so great that I had almost passed out from the pain. And then I heard the rumbling, like a slow rolling thunder sounding off in the distance, as I closed my eyes. I opened them once again to see them, the soldiers surrounding us. And I couldn’t take it anymore. I forced the vision out of my head and returned to the darkness. I could feel the heat of new fresh tears running down. I could hear the voices, once again ringing in my head, trying to shove the images back. And I couldn’t takes anymore this had to stop.

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!!!!????” I yelled out. And almost instantly, the whispers stopped and a louder clearer one spoke up.

“You need to remember that night. All depends on it; without it, the future is lost.” The voice echoed both all around me and within me.

“I don't understand, I do remember it,” I said, becoming more and more frustrated at the lack of explanation I was getting from them. I felt my fist clench as I was greeted by nothing but the silence. And anger grew inside of me. “ANSWER ME, GODDAMNIT!” I screamed out, as once again, images were forced into my head. And in a soft toned whisper, I was finally given an answer.

“You remember a lie. You need to see the truth. I will show you.” My fingers finally uncurled out of the fist they had made as the words rang in my head.

“I don’t understand,” I said, as I felt a strange calmness come over my muscles and soon I found myself unable to maintain awareness, as I fell back further into the darkness.

I heard voices clearly now, no more whispers, but honest to god voices. There were two of them; they were arguing, but I couldn’t fully make out what was being said, only a few bits and pieces were audible. It was like listening to a damaged recording.

“This is beyond any of us, Corbin.” The voice became so recognizable that my eyes shot awake and I couldn’t believe where I was. I looked around just to make sure I wasn’t mistaken. But there it was the same beige canvas walls I had become so accustomed to. I was back in the tent I slept in every night. I was back home.

I went to get up, to see if I had really heard the voice that brought me back to reality, but I couldn’t. I willed myself to move, but got no response. I looked around again and the sight of someone sent chills through my body, as if someone had poured ice water on my heart. There asleep next me was Seth. But not as I remembered him when he had been taken from me. He was smaller?... No, not smaller, younger. It was then that I saw her walk past the open tent door. I was right! It was her voice that had awakened me. My mother stood there, just as I had remembered her, her auburn hair falling down just past her shoulders and a few loose strands hanging in front of her pale green eyes, the same eyes as my own.
And despite my will and longing to jump from where I was laying and run to her and tell her how much I truly missed her, I couldn’t bring myself to move. I couldn’t bring myself to speak either. It was like watching a movie from someone else’s head. And all you could do was watch and listen. And even when I tried my hardest to listen I could still only understand bits and pieces of what was being said.
“I can’t let ..… be a part of this Corbin,” I heard my mom say, almost to the point of tears. Something had her truly upset, which was rare for my mother. It then came to me... more flashes of this fight I had lived this before. My heart sank as I realized what this was.

“NOOOO, THAT’S ENOUGH! I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS!” I screamed in my head, but I still couldn’t bring myself to speak, because my nine year old self was asleep when this was going on. I was virtually reliving the worst night of my life and I was unable to stop it. Then I heard it again, the whisper in my head.

“I am sorry, but this is the only way to show you the truth.” I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak, I was laying there completely helpless as I would be forced to endure wave after wave of emotional torture.

“Please... please don’t do this,” I pleaded with whoever was ever pulling the strings, but I got no response; the voice was gone yet again, as the show continued.

“Are you sure you didn’t …... ”I heard Corbin voice say, but once again, I could only hear a part of what he said. I still couldn’t figure out what they were talking about. I remembered my mom had been gone for about a year. She had been asked to go and help in Xaven she had written me a letter once saying leaving me behind was the hardest thing she had ever done, but they were worried that Xaven may have been compromised and as soon as they were sure it was safe, she would send for me... but that never happened. I didn’t even know she was coming home. I only remembered her waking me up telling me we were leaving.

“I know about his …... Corbin. I know what I saw and I can’t do it." I saw my mother grab a duffel bag and begin grabbing what few clothes I had and stuff them in.

“Carol, please don’t do this, it’s too dangerous out there and it’s getting worse everyday,” I heard Corbin plead, as my mom stuffed more and more of our things into the bag. Finally she stopped for a moment and turned to face Corbin.

“You’ve been so good to me and my son, Corbin, but you don’t understand, it’s not what you think it is. He's …” more words I was unable to make out, still I couldn’t figure out what the fight was about. And then I watched as my mother opened the ten doors all the way up to wake me.

“M... Mom what are you doing here.”I heard my own voice say, still half asleep.

“No time to talk, sweetie. You’ve gotta get up and get dressed, c'mon and hurry up,” she said as she helped me stand on my own feet. I was quickly changed and out of the tent I had thought that she had come back to get me and we were both going to go to Xaven, but as soon as I saw the distress on Corbin's face as I got out, I knew then that something was up.

“Carol, please stay, if not for you, then for him,” I heard Corbin say, as he placed a hand on her shoulder, but she shrugged it off and turned to him. She had tears in her eyes now.

“I’m sorry, Corbin, but I have to. It won’t be safe now that I know.” She turned and put a hand on my back and we began walking to the train. Before we got on, she stopped one last time. “Maybe someday you’ll accept the truth,” and with that, we were on the train and leaving the station.

As soon as the station was out of sight I was greeted by a blinding flash of light, as the scenery around me changed, we were no longer on a train, but I was now in the backseat of a car. “Wait, this is wrong” I said. “When were we in a car? We were on foot running when we got surrounded.”

“What you remember is a lie, the truth was taken from you, I will give it back to you,” I heard the voice echo off. “Tell me Cameron, how did you escape? Why were you not taken?”

“Because I... I... I don’t know” And like a shock, it hit me; a searing pain in the back of my head, like someone was driving a rail spike into the back of my skull. I saw a series of quick flashes, the solders, the guns, my mother being drug off, all being shown, but one by one, they all disappeared. Then it, the question, stuck in my head: why was I not taken? How did I end up back home? I remember my mom leaving with me on the train and then... “arrrhhhhhhgggg!” anther flash shot off in my head as more and more images were shown to me. I couldn’t remember how we got out on the streets, or how we had gotten hurt. I remember leaving and then blank... nothing. The next thing I remembered, we were lying on the street and they were dragging my mother, unconscious, onto a truck. And then what? Nothing, another blank. I woke up the next morning back in my tent with Corbin telling me that my mother had been captured.

“Why why can’t I remember any of this?” I asked, the pain now beginning to dull. “What happened? Who took my memory?”

“I will show you.” And with that, the voice and the images were gone again. I was back in the car, watching the events play out.

“Thanks again Joseph,” I heard my mom say to the man who was driving the car. He was a tall dark skinned man who wore his hair in a huge crop of dread locks that he had pulled back into a pony tail. I didn’t recognize him, but I was sure I had seen him somewhere before.

“I’ll be lucky if Lori don’t leave me after this one, Carol. I promised her I was done with all this stuff; it’s getting too dangerous now-a-days and it’s lucky enough we’ve been able to remain under the radar. Our little one is getting bigger every day and we’re worried his power will rear its ugly head any day now. Then we may have no choice but to go on the run ourselves.” his voice had a heavy thick accent with it. I had heard it somewhere before, but even still, I couldn’t remember where I had seen him. And somehow my mom knew who he was.

“I know, which is why I swear I’ll find a way to repay you some day, it’s just right now the further we get from the city the safer I’ll feel.” I could hear the fear in her voice as she spoke and it killed me to not know what had her so frightened. I had always known my mother to be able to keep calm and to be fearless, or rather, I was so young I had just never realized how truly frightened she was.

“Ahhh, don’t you go worrying about it. Besides, the furthest I can take you is the edge of the city; after that you gonna be on your own. I’m taken a risk driving you that far. If what you telling me is true then ain’t none of it going to matter no more anyways,” he said as we came up to stop light. “Just promise me you’ll do your best to get the truth out there, before it’s too late.”

The pouring rain was blurring my view outside of the car but I could see the red light quickly switch to green as we began to move forward. Once again my mom went to speak, but she never got the words out. Before I was even able to comprehend what was happening, the glass on the car shattered into thousands of pieces. I felt the car bend as the metal frame gave way to the truck that had plowed into the side of us.

The car skidded a few feet before turning up on its side and my head slammed into the ground. I felt the pain once again, as if it were happening all over again. I felt blood begin to pool around the side of me and with one final jerk we were sent spinning upside down. I was barely able to keep my eyes open and I could feel myself slipping out of it. Then I felt them... a pair of hands grabbing me by the arms and pulling me out of the wreckage. They had to work hard, but I was finally pulled loose, but a piece of metal caught on my leg and ripped a fresh gash down its side.

A moment later I was in my mother’s arms; she was carrying me, half running, half limping. Her leg had been hurt during the crash and she was desperate to put distance between us and the remains of the car. But her efforts were in vain. As I heard the sound of screeching wheels tear up the ground beneath them, I looked over the shoulder. Through the thick rain I could see them, two bright lights, shining through the night, heading closer and closer toward us. The same truck that had blindsided the car was now barreling toward us, picking up more and more speed. It was no use, my mother couldn’t move fast enough to get us out of its path not with her hurt leg. Realizing the hopelessness of the situation, she resorted to the only thing she could. I felt her squeeze me tight as she spoke softly so only I could hear.

“I love you so much, remember that always,” and with that, I felt her use all of her strength and might to throw me as far away from her as possible. I landed and rolled a few yards away from her mere seconds before the truck struck her, sending her body flying and rolling all the way back towards the crash site. It was here that everything came back to me. This is the point I had dreaded and my heart turns to a cold lifeless stone in my chest as I remember this. My body hurting all over, unable to move, trying desperately to reach out to her laying on the ground.

The rain pelted down on me washing away all the fresh blood I was spilling out onto the ground in the distance I heard the thunder rumble and I knew any second the soldiers would be here to drag her away and I was unable to stop it. Inside I was screaming with rage and pain, but still I couldn’t make a sound.

“Why?” I asked the voice again. “Why are you doing this? I already know how this ends. Please God, don’t make me watch it again!” I begged for it to end, but I got no answer. I felt the anger and sadness well up to my breaking point AND I couldn’t take it! “GOD DAMN YOU! I SAID STOP IT, YOU SON OF BITCH! I DONT CARE WHAT HAPPNED! IT DOSENT CHANGE ANYTHING! I DONT WANT TO FUCKING SEE THIS ANYMORE!” I waited in silence with nothing but the rain echoing back to me. And finally I heard it. Two voices, but not the voice my whispering tormentor. It was two voices outside. I watched as two figures got out of the truck.

The soldiers I thought to myself where are the soldiers? I was then hit with more flashes, images of the soldiers dragging my mother away and with it the pain returned. The images began to blur as if my vision were going out of focus and finally a blinding light flashed and the soldiers were gone, replaced now by the two shadowed figures I saw before me. I felt a jolt as if I had been cracked in the head with a bat and I let out a sharp scream. “What’s happening?”

“What you know is a lie, nothing more than a fake memory imposed on you to hide the truth, a truth you mother had uncovered” I heard the voice say yet again “I am showing you what I can, you need to remember the rest.”

The pain slowly faded and I open my eyes to see the two figures stand over my mother’s body I tried to focus on their faces, but when I did I felt the pain return. Something was blocking, stopping me from remembering their faces. Instead, all I saw was a shadowed silhouette, like someone who is standing directly in front of a bright light, obscuring your vision.

After a long pause, one of them spoke. The rain was still pouring down, but I managed to hear part of what was being said.

“The one who was driving is gone. He must have run off somewhere. Should I go look for him?” It was the shorter of the two figures, he had a smooth deep voice and spoke with a serene calmness almost as if he were about to fall asleep.

The taller of the two figures turned to look over his shoulder before looking back down at my mother. “No, he won’t make it very far. The government dogs will be here soon to do a sweep and we need someone to take the fall.” He knelt down beside my mother and placed his hand on her cheek “I am truly sorry it came to this, Carol, but you left me no choice. I couldn’t let you jeopardize everything.”

My heart stopped at the mention of her name. He knew her name, but how? How could he possibly know her name? My mind was sent racing; it made no sense. I tried every possible excuse, but none of them fit.

“No!” I said to the voice as fresh tears began to run down my face. “no! no! no! YOU’RE LYING !!!!!!” I screamed, but no matter how much I wanted to blocking the possibility out of my head, there was only one explanation that fit, someone from our side had done this, they had killed my mother!

“What about the boy?” I heard the first voice speak again as they walked over towards me. I was screaming in my head to get up, I had a fire now burning in my chest and I had an uncontrollable desire to get up and tear their heads from their shoulders.

“Clear him, he must remember none of this. Take him back to the others and clear them as well.” More and more I began to feel the total hatred for them take a hold of me as the short figure stepped over me.
“I’LL FUCKIN KILL YOU! DO YOU HEAR ME? I’LL KILL YOU!” It was no use though, I still had no control over my mouth. I was screaming only to myself as I felt the man place his hand on my forehead. And slowly I left consciousness once again and felt myself return to the darkness, but my heart had taken too much. I needed out of this hell now and with one final pulse, I felt the darkness began to fade; I became aware of something, a presence, not the voice or the dream, a real presence. I began to open my eye as the blurry figure of Mark stood in front of me. I was awake and I couldn’t hold this in any more and with one final push to consciousness I let my anguish

“AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU!” I screamed so loud I caused Mark to jump back to the far wall. I saw the medical equipment surrounding me shatter as I let out cry after cry all the anger of what I had just witnessed that had been bottled up. It was pouring out, but I couldn’t let it happen, not here, not this close to everyone.

I jumped out of the bed and ripped all the wires that were attached to me off and ran out of Andrea's tent out to the middle of the station and let go.

I felt the ground shatter beneath me and the walls of the station begin to crack and all the glass of the train shatter and fly everywhere. And then out of nowhere, nothing. It was like the cord that connected me to my power snapped and my power was just shut off.

I fell to my knees and began sobbing uncontrollably into my hands the words of the voice still echoing in my head

“Find the truth your mother found, or there will be nothing left to fight for.”