November Surprise - 1. November Surprise

Nov 1, 2024

Washington, D.C.

In a revelatory ABC interview with Diane Sawyer which could have significant effects on the imminent election, Republican Vice-Presidential candidate JD Vance came out as transgender today. The disclosure ended months of speculation prompted by his eyeliner and his insistence on wearing a shirt while swimming.

The Trump campaign declined comment. However, Mr. Trump himself specifically mentioned that Mr. Vance has been dropped from the Presidential transition team, a team that Mr. Vance was never on. “That’s all right,” Mr. Vance said in the interview. “I’m busy with my own transition.”

Reaction from the American public was swift and confused. Supporters of the Trump campaign were particularly guarded in their comments. One self-identified Trump voter interviewed on the streets of Las Vegas said, “That’s his choice. None of my business. As long as he doesn’t change his pronouns or any of that liberal shit, I don’t mind if he’s a woman now.”

Some in the LGBTQIA+ community were less than enthusiastic. A man who identified as gay said, “Well, she's going to be one helluva big girl. Not that big girls are a bad thing, but on her, I don't think it's gonna be a good look.”

Asked if he is afraid of the reaction from the increasingly reactionary Republican Party, Mr. Vance said, “They already hate me for having a South Asian wife. They might as well hate me for being a woman.”

On the subject of changing his name or going by Miss, Mrs. or Ms. instead of by Mr., he said, “Oh, I’ll stay JD. I mean, it could stand for Jemima Delilah or something Biblical like that. And you can continue to refer to me as ‘he’ and ‘him.’ Of course I’m going to remain ‘Mr.’ After years coasting on male privilege, I don’t want to be a second-class citizen, so ‘Ms.’ and all the rest are definitely out for me.”

When Sawyer asked about Mr. Vance’s future plans, he said he is looking into the possibility of going into business with Caitlin Jenner “to create a line of cosmetics for the very, very, very conservative woman.” Possibly they could build on Ms. Jenner’s previous collaboration with MAC Cosmetics on their 2016 lipstick “Finally Free.”

Gay billionaire Peter Thiel, who bankrolled Vance’s Senate campaign after supporting the advancement of his career for some time, stated that he fully supports Mr. Vance’s decision. “In my political affiliations, I have two main principles: first, standing firm on the rights of sexual minorities, and second, as a rich person, not paying taxes. Given a choice between trying to change Democrat minds on taxes and Republican minds on queer rights, I figured I was more likely to effect change on the latter, by setting up a sort of time bomb in the person of Mr. JD Vance.”

When Sawyer asked if Mr. Vance has considered resigning as the Republican Vice-Presidential candidate, Vance replied, “Oh, no, not at all. I’m in way too deep to drop out now. Besides, most people have already mailed in their ballots.”