One More Last Chance - 1. Entry 01

Wednesday, April 15^th, 2015

Entry 01 – Prologuing Madness

Jason. I'm not going to pretend that in any way I could consider forgiving you for what you've done and in saying that I know I'm far too soft and forgiving to actually be mad at you for it. That being said I am angry, furious even. You deserve the bloody nose you'll get when I find you, all you had to do was tell one of us. Any single one of us, I'd still follow you and you know that but the anger wouldn't be there. If or when you read this I want you to promise me one thing, we never speak of any of this. It's not because of embarrassment or any of that crap but because the next time we meet it will be the last time I forgive you and the last time I'll give you another chance.

If I had to be brutally honest with myself, I have zero idea why I'm making this much effort over you especially considering the kind of person you are and have been to me and the rest of our friends over the past few years. Hell even on a good day your still for the most part a complete tool yet for some stupid reason here I am packing this bag and making this blog, for you. It makes no sense right? A blog? If for some miracle you actually have power or better yet have internet access then maybe you'll read this, I'll be recording every single painful detail for you to follow along with. I did think it through by the way, I know exactly what your thinking, I emailed and texted you the link, it's also written on your bedroom wall so if a miracle happens and this town, country or life in general returns to how It used to be then good luck cleaning it off, the landlord won't be happy but consider it karma but that's assuming he's managed to survive too so fingers crossed. Speaking of surviving I managed to rope Kevin into helping not that it really too much convincing, he's only looking around town near our apartment and honestly I know you well enough to know your not here but Kevin won't go that far, not that I wanted the company. He's a good guy for doing this despite how hard you've always been on him.

You know one of the benefits of this country is it's size. Tracking you down over somewhere like Russia or America? That would be next to impossible for me but England is tiny in comparison. Well from what I know of you and yes I listened on all of those anger filled nights when you just had to blow off some steam to someone, I listened and I can take as good a guess as any as to where your headed. You have family in the north west so that would be the simplest guess right? Maybe, but your a curious guy and I think and this is assuming by this point I'm not totally jaded from all the crap I've put up from you, that naturally your headed to where this all started up in Scotland. It doesn't matter really though, I can head north and all along the way I can decide what kind of person you are; sentimental or curious. Both are fine for the record, I can fully comprehend the causality behind whatever choice you take, motivation is a powerful tool after all. I'm not judging you in the slightest my family is in the south, I should be heading there but I have to do this. They're resourceful people I know they'll be fine but I've sent them the link to this blog as well just so they know I'm alive. I am and I'll be with you guys soon enough.

So I've been completely torn as to what I should leave here for Kevin. He's a big guy, needs a lot of food but he does have a tendency to just shovel it down. If he ate any more or faster his body wouldn't have time to digest, the new stuff would just push the old stuff straight through. It's no wonder he exercises so much though. I need supplies I don't know what I'll find on the road but I suppose you do at least for now the water lines are still working although who knows for how much longer. It's a good sign right? Some infrastructure is remaining at least, the country isn't in total chaos. I did manage to trade my laptop for a tablet though not that Katy had any real interest in either all things considered but I insisted we at least traded. It's saving a lot of space in this backpack, maybe I should have traded for a bigger bag instead. I want to bring a knife or something with me, I know I'd be effectively useless using a weapon but I have zero idea what to expect.

It's after midday and I'm still packing so there's no chance I'll be setting off tonight which gives you another day ahead of me That puts you to one week ahead but still I want to search the town one last time before I set out. We've done it a few times in the past few days, checked your usual spots and hangouts all to no avail really but like I said. I can guess where your going. So in the morning I'll have to decide whether or not to say goodbye to Kevin. If the guy had an angry bone in his body he might be pissed as to how much food I'm taking. I can distract him for tonight easy enough but you were right in some regards at least, he can be a complete air head. He will notice in the morning though and I know saying goodbye will only bring him to tears. He's essentially a big dumb emotional dog and tears won't stop me from leaving at this point, you rubbed off on me in that regard.

Anyhow this blog is eating into my daylight. I have lots to prepare and another sweep of the town to do with Kevin and then say goodbye to Katy and the others. On the safe side I'll give them the link too so everyone can worry just that little bit less together. So I'm hoping that in reading this you've picked up on the angry undertone. Less an undertone I'm sure but the anger is all the same, do you know why that is Jason? It's because through all the crap you've put us through and all those times that we've said 'Hey let's forgive him.' you have only just put us through more and more of the same and for some stupid reason we go along with it and forgive you all the same. You know I shouldn't be angry at you I should be angry at us for doing so. Every. Single. Time. And I don't get it, I don't know why we bother other than your one of us and we need you as much as you need us.

To be truthfully honest I'm pissed because I can't decide what you are or what you mean to me and It kills me inside that I don't know exactly what or how much I mean to you. If life somehow manages to return to normal if at this point there are any possibilities of it happening then this blog will record my last days alive, assuming I don't make it. I've been doubting myself a lot recently, doubting myself over how harshly I treat you. Everyone makes mistakes we've all proven that and I'm running out of ways to justify how angry I get when you do, I want all this effort to accomplish something, I know it will.

I'll stay alive for all of you, Mum, Dad, baby bro, big sis, friends. Jason, I will find you.

Posted by user Dylan89 at 15:41 PM 0 comments