Breaking News - 2007 - 1. Short Story

Nancy Pelosi was sworn in today as the 44^th President of the United States, said the newly appointed White House Press Secretary, Helen Thomas.

This came only a few short hours after a series of unusual events involving the former President, George W. Bush and former Vice President, Dick Cheney.

There was the announcement from the penthouse Ralph Lauren Suite at Walter Reed Hospital, 24 hours ago, that the 43^rd President had been afflicted with a rare medical condition known as digit-anal rectumitis. It was revealed President Bush had been regularly slipping in and out of this state for several years. His condition worsened significantly yesterday, Hospital spokespersons said, when his middle left digit became permanently lodged in his anus after the sphincter irreversibly clamped shut. The physical stress resulted in rendering his brain activity useless. Un-named sources confirm that the former President cannot communicate and doesn’t seem to recognize people in his presence.

He is able to receive nourishment and a special by-pass will be installed for bodily elimination functions. It is impossible at this juncture to speculate on a release date. The President and the former First Lady will eventually return to Texas.

In an unrelated situation, political observers were stunned just two days ago the sudden resignation of Vice President Dick Cheney. Photographs had surfaced on the Internet, showing the Vice President, at a private party of costumed homosexuals, in compromising positions. In one picture, Cheney was dancing with the Wicked Witch of the West. But, the most shocking in a series of photographs, was one which showed the Vice President having anal intercourse with a tall, buxom Statue of Liberty, in room that has been described as a sub-level dungeon.

The site of the party, a stately town house in Georgetown, is listed as being owned by the Halliburton Corporation. Historians were quick to point out that this is the former residence of J. Edgar Hoover and his ‘companion’, Clyde Tolson.

President Pelosi, nattily attired in understated Armani, issued this statement after being sworn in by the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court a few hours ago:

“I wish President Bush a sense of serenity and peace when he returns to his ranch in Crawford. I plan on immediately addressing the serious problems the United States faces. First will be the appointment of a Vice President. Today, I have asked Ms. Rosie O’Donnell to take on this important task. Ms. O’Donnell has accepted and will be available to answer questions tomorrow morning on ‘The View’ program. By the end of the week, a new cabinet will be in place. My office has already planned a retreat for the new Vice President, cabinet officers and myself to deal with priorities for the new administration. It will take place next week in Milan, Italy.”

Speculation about the location of the retreat focused on President Pelosi’s concern with providing an acceptable wardrobe for Ms. O’Donnell. Insiders say that Giorgio Armani will create “plus sizes” from his collection for the new Vice President.

According to insiders, President Pelosi is expected to appoint Bill Clinton as Secretary of State since he is usually traveling out of the country anyway. Other appointees include Congressman Jefferson – D, Louisiana – for Treasury, Congressman Barney Frank – D, Massachusetts – for defense, and Donald Trump for HUD. It is expected the Valerie Plame will be selected to head the CIA. “Everyone feels bad that Valerie lost her covert job,” said one observer. Ms. Plame’s husband, Ambassador Joe Wilson, it is expected, will be able to easily juggle his role of Mr. Mom while being a frequent guest on the Larry King show.

Democrats were jubilant that they again – after 13 years – controlled Congress and the White House.

GOP leaders were stunned at the sudden turn of events. It is estimated that approximately 10,000 administration appointees will be fighting to snap up any available Washington, D.C. lobbyist jobs left after the retired military brass and former senators take their first picks. Most, however, will be flooding the unemployment lines.

Senator John McCain told a group of reporters in Phoenix that some had been curious about the President’s state of health for some time. He said that on more that one occasion, President Bush had conducted meetings while standing up with one hand behind him. It was even more obvious that something was askew, he added, when the President stood during a State dinner in the White House honoring Russian President VladimirPutin. George Bush had mumbled to those around him, “I looked the man in the eye. I was able to get a sense of his soul,” several times throughout the evening.

McCain said that he was leaving for Washington, D.C. immediately to attend a top-level meeting of Republican congressional leaders. Also expected at the private meeting would be advisors such as Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter and Pat Robertson. Jerry Falwell will not be available because he is in negotiation to buy the U.S. rights to the Teletubbies. Falwell is adamant in his charge that Tinky Winky is gay. He has been on a crusade for the past eight years about this children’s TV character who dresses in purple and carries a handbag. The reverend feels his purchase of the U.S. rights will give him enough leverage to make Tinky Winky straight.

International reaction has been mixed. Britain’s Prime Minister, Tony Blair, Canada’s Prime Minister, Stephen Harper and Australia’s Prime Minister, John Howard, have offered heartfelt condolences, while most world leaders were rather nonchalant with the turn of events. France and Italy seemed more concerned about selling wine to the United States. French President Jacques Chirac stated he had suspected something was wrong for some time and was perplexed that American politicians couldn’t see that the anal problem has existed for years.

Sources in the CIA say they picked up a message from Osama Bin Laden’s hideout in Syria, ordering several cases of French Champagne to celebrate the downfall of the evil Bush. It is the first time that they have pinpointed the location of ‘OBL’ and they immediately directed a military strike on the area. They are awaiting verification that the attack – called The Dom Perignon Caper – has eliminated the terrorist.

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April Fools’ Day - 2007

A big thanks to Trab for his editing expertise.
Your humble Scribe, Jack.

Authors note: The only wishful thinking on my part is that the last paragraph would be real and accurate. I’ll let the elective process take its natural course to determine who will become the 44^th President of the United States.

This miniscule trifle originally appeared as part of the Awesome Dude April Fool’s anthology – April 1, 2007.