On The Way Back - 1. Chapter 1

A click sounded. A flame appeared, bright and vibrant. It swayed side to side periodically jumping higher than before. It was reaching for something, chasing, and desperate to find meaning. It disappeared. Another click echoed through the night and the flame danced again with a fiery passion. With each passing second, the flame released more and more smoke. A cigarette cautiously neared with a longing to join the passionate fire. They briefly were one. Together they created something different. The smoke generated by the flame alone lacked the vibrance and energy the offspring of the fire and cigarette had. Josh slowly brought the white stick to his lips and gently kissed the tip before inhaling slightly. Josh then exhaled before studying the gray substance exuding from the cigarette. As he held the burning stick low, he became entranced by the smoke that appeared to be alive; it lethargically crawled up his arm, fervently making love to his appendage. Smoke continued on, weaving between his fingers before quickly escaping through the crack in the window. Josh took another puff, careful not to inhale too little, or too much. The smoke started again, moving to the rhythmic beating of his heart before dissipating. A knock from the passenger side window broke his zombie like state.

“Baby, let me in. Unlock the door.”

-Click-

A blonde of about eighteen climbed in the silver Altima causing the smoke to rush past the opening. He carelessly shook the snow from his shaggy, yet disciplined mane before leaning over to kiss the boy behind the wheel.

“You’ve been smoking,” Matt accused as he sensually ran his thumb across the brunettes lips. He contemplated kissing him again; he decided against it and flopped back into the seat before buckling his seat belt.

The car was filled with silence as Josh navigated the streets of Vista Ridge. Josh was captivated by how peaceful Matt appeared as he curled into the seat next to him. His thoughts rampaged on in his head as he occasionally glanced over and watched Matt’s chest heave steadily to each breath and return to a lax state as he exhaled. The sight of Matt’s systematic breathing made Josh realize how much he cared for his friend; he grew increasingly nervous as he considered telling Matt how he felt. Street lights hypnotized Josh as they continued to pass over the silver car. One after the other, the lights ran behind them until there was a stretch of road, unrestrained night surrounded the car and the street was illuminated only by the beams shining from the Altima. Darkness was banished as the head lights sliced through like a hot knife through cool butter. The sobering night air filled the car as Josh slightly cracked the windows enough to let the cool, snowy air seep in to counter the thick fleece he wore. Despite his efforts to prevent it, a snowflake slipped through the thin passageway and danced in the car before sticking to Matt’s nose.

I don’t know how to talk to him.

Josh peered over at Matt and noticed how the red from the traffic light bathed Matt. The light caressed the sleeping boy’s cheek before quickly turning to a bright green. Matt shifted his weight and used the seat belt draped across his chest to support his head as the car lurched forward at the green light. Josh noticed street lights in the distance but remained oblivious to the other cars that were on the road, though it surprised him to see others out in the snow. Granted, it was snowing in March, and it wasn’t sticking to the ground as most would hope, Texans predictably shied away from the cold. Being from Boston, Josh was used to the cool weather; one would venture to say he enjoyed it. Josh could remember watching the snowflakes dance to their own beat when he was in Boston for the winters; the cold weather was almost therapeutic to him, and it helped him think.

He’s been my best friend for years and all of a sudden, he’s my…boyfriend? I don’t know if I can do this…but, the way he kisses me…the way he smiles at me…he makes me feel…loved. I’ve never felt like someone needed me as much as I needed them. I can’t really explain what comes over me whenever he gets near and I love the feel of his hair against my chest when he falls asleep. I…love him.

His train of thought was interrupted by a jolt of pleasure that shot through his body as Matt massaged his boyfriend’s scalp.

“I see you’re awake.”

“Shhh…”

With each gentle pull, it grew less difficult for Josh to surrender to Matt’s method of persuasion. The car slowed to a stop and Josh checked the informative mirrors and realized no other cars were coming; armed with this knowledge, Josh hastily shifted the gear to park, the engine lulled, and he reached for the latch near the base of the seat; his eyes fluttered as the seat fell backwards. Cool air balanced the hot air that was rapidly filling the car as it continued to seep through the small crack of the window. A shaky breath escaped the confines of Josh’s lungs as he gulped hard and completely surrendered to Matt’s seductive behavior.

A smile stretched across Matt’s face while he watched the look of pure enjoyment on his boyfriends face. A question waited on the tip of his tongue, but his nerves continued to best him until he finally blurted, “Can we do Chinese tonight?” An anxious grin emerged on his face as he flopped back into the passenger seat and snapped his seat belt into place.

I should’ve known there was a hidden agenda. “You know how I feel about Chinese food,” Josh responded as he returned the car to drive and made a sharp right turn.

“Yeah, I know, but I love it. Please?”

“There are a lot of things I love, and I’m wondering why they still haven’t been done.”

“You really want me to do that, huh?”

“I’ve been talking about it since freshman year when we saw it in that flick.”

“You aren’t going to let it go, are you?”

The sexual banter continued between the boys until the car came to another stop. Ignorant to where they had parked, Matt continued arguing with Josh about Chinese.

“We never go—”

“Shut up for a second, you ass,” Josh demanded as he motioned for Matt to acknowledge his surroundings. Josh turned to a shocked Matt and grinned as he watched the expression that decorated the boy’s face change from utter bewilderment to a radiant smile.

“P.F. Changs?” Matt uncertainly stated as he desperately tried to figure out what had possessed Josh to decide on Chinese before he finally questioned, “Okay, I give up. What brought this on? Hmm?”

“8 years ago, on November 16, I transferred to Ms. Leethum’s class at Bailey Elementary. I can remember that first day, I was intoxicated by anxiety, and I didn’t speak to anyone. As I stood at the front of the room, being introduced to the class, I felt as if I was completely starting my life over. I’d grown accustomed to the busy streets in Boston, dimly lit alleyways where trash littered the shadows. It was a time in my life where it was okay for me to exist on my own. The perfect place for a loner, daily I could walk down the streets and remain hidden amongst the tall buildings, it was so much easier to blend there. When my family moved to Texas, any hope I once had of blending in and being another face in the crowd was shot. My life was completely derailed and I was forced to change. You…you helped that. You helped me. You…loved me. It was an inebriating feeling to have a friend. Back home, I didn’t care to have friends, unless I wanted to end up in the local gang. It was easier being content with being alone. It wasfamiliar, ya know? After meeting Matthew Cassidy,” he grinned at the boy across from him blushing, “after meeting you, it became apparent that living life alone was only going to result in heartache.” Josh stopped for a minute and stared into Matt’s eyes. The slight sparkle he saw in Matt’s eyes made him understand how in love he was. He grasped Matt’s soft hands and gently massaged them before linking their fingers together. His eyes fell shut and everything seemed to slow to a stop. Josh could feel Matt’s heart beating, increasingly faster with every passing second. Their hearts raced together at the touch of the other. Matt relinquished control of his body and let Josh direct his hands to his lips.

Soft.

Josh returned their conjoined hands to the polyester armrest and returned his green eyed gaze to the sight of Matt’s crystal blue eyes. The feeling of peach fuzz on Matt’s knuckles somewhat excited the teenage boy.

“Matty,” Josh’s voice filled with anxiety, and he swallowed hard, “Matty, I love you.”

It took awhile before the words processed completely.

He loves me. He loves me. He finally said it.

Conveying his feelings came easy to Matt, it always had, but he was aware that it wasn’t as simple for Josh to do the same. It bothered him at the earlier stages of their friendship, but over time, Matt realized that Josh never let anyone in.

He’s letting me in.

A rush of emotions shot through the blonde as he thought about Josh finally opening up to him; he clenched the hand that held his own as his eyes began to burn. His face grew flushed, and his cheeks rosy from the intense sensation he was experiencing. The lonely boy hung his head low letting his blonde hair dangle and a sole tear leapt from his eye and splashed onto his arm.

Josh’s nerves began to best him as he fidgeted in his seat at the emotional state that Matt had settled into, “I’m…I’m sorry. I’ve upset you. I should’ve—”

At the sound of Josh’s apprehensive tone, the teary eyed boy lunged over the seat and threw himself into the open arms across from him.

“Those words…” Matt babbled between sobs, “I’ve wanted to…no, I’ve needed to hear those words from you. I’ve known you for almost ten years, and you’ve never opened up to anyone.” Josh lifted Matt to face him and wiped the tears that were now falling full force from his eyes and smiled as he listened to his boyfriend, “You’re opening up to…me. I know it’s hard for you to put how you feel into words, but all of what you just said to me, was perfect.” Matt draped his arms over Josh’s muscular shoulders and around his neck while bringing their foreheads together, “I love you too.”

In a moment of passion, the two boys brought their lips together.

Something’s different.

Both were thinking the same thing. Josh and Matt were no strangers to kissing, but something was definitely different, this was something more that neither could quite place. They were compelled by feelings of obsession as they delved deeper into a pool passion and lust. Josh utilized all senses as he breathed deeply and explored Matt’s athletic figure. Matt shuddered as the cold fingers ran over his abs downward to his navel. Feeling lips pressed against his neck caused Matt to release a low moan.

He loves me. He actually said it. He…loves me.

Matt was overwhelmed by his own thoughts as he met Josh’s lips with his own. His tongue passed by his lips and began to explore Josh’s mouth. Josh briefly broke the kiss and looked stared at the boy in his arms.

God. He’s beautiful.

“What’s wrong?” a concerned Matt returned to his seat and readjusted himself to face Josh.

“Um…there’s something else I want to ask you.”

“Go ahead.”

“I talked to my dad, and he’s leaving. His flight for Malta leaves tonight, and he won’t be back for a few months. With Dean in Iraq, Dean, I don’t want to be alone. I want you to move in.”

“You want me to move in with you?”

Matt was disoriented by the drastic request and didn’t know how to respond.

“I understand if you don’t want to, or if your parents won’t let you. I…I was just thinking about it today.”

“I don’t know about that Joshua,” Matt apprehensively spoke as he pressed his forehead against the window.

Move in?

“Can I ask you why? Why do you want me to move into the Palomar with you?”

“Don’t worry about it, it was stupid. I should’ve never asked.”

Josh reached latch to push the door open when Matt grabbed his arm.

“Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” Josh questioned pulling his arm away from Matt and relaxing back into his seat.

“Don’t shut me out again, please. I just wanted to know why. Can you not even tell me that?” What am I doing? THE Hotel Palomar…as lavish as lavish gets.

“I said it’s stupid, and I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Let it go.”

A hurt Josh climbed out of the silver vehicle and started towards the Chinese Bistro. He noticed that the snow had stopped, but the cold remained. Wind chapped his lips as it forcefully prevented him from walking as fast as he’d like to the entrance. Ice beneath his feet sloshed as he persevered through the intimidating northern winds that dried each tear that formed in his eye. “You’re not going to get rid of me. I’m never going to stop loving you.”

The sound of his voice and the words that he spoke stopped Josh. His heart pounded in his chest as he released a deep breath before taking another step.

“I want you to tell me. Tell me why. Dammit Joshua, why can’t you just do that?”

“Fine!” he yelled out. Hastily and with the aid of the wind, Josh walked back to Matt, “You want to know why? Huh? You want to know why?” He shakily spoke as he grabbed Matt and pulled him closer. “I’ve never felt this way before. Your voice, your hair, you. I can’t explain what you do to me. I just know that I want to wake up and see you everyday. I want to hold you every night as I fall asleep. Being near you make me happier than anything else in the world. I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want you.”

There was a fire in Josh’s eyes that Matt had never seen. There was a yearning that wasn’t present before. He stared back at the boy in front of him and smiled.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

“What changed your mind?”

“You.”