Frozen - 1. Chapter 1

Frozen

It was bitterly cold outside. The temperatures that week had broken the records. It was spring. The world should have begun to thaw already. The weatherman reassured his viewers that it was only a short cold snap. It would pass. Mark watched the animated weather map and wondered what would happen if the cold did not pass. He shivered a little at the thought of his whole world eternally covered in ice. In his mind he could see his whole room filling up with sharp ice crystals. He would be dead like an insect trapped in some kind of colorless amber.

His life had always lacked color. He had not been unhappy but there always seemed to be something missing. His social life was not remarkable. He had ever been a wild party animal or even much of a joiner. He never drank excessively or used drugs. He dated occasionally but never enjoyed it. His parents and grandparents had never been outgoing. It seemed that he had been born into a state of hibernation and would continue this unconscious way of living indefinitely.

Mark lived with his parents until he was in his twenties but eventually he started looking for a place of his own. He found an apartment that suited him well but it was too expensive. He was leaving the manager's office disappointed when overheard a conversation. One of the people talking was looking for a roommate. Seeing his opportunity Mark walked over and introduced himself. He discovered that the other man had the same problem. He did not earn enough to live by himself.

They had been living in the same apartment for half a year now. It was a pleasant arrangement. Neither of them was too messy and they happily shared their belongings. Between the two of them they were able to furnish the space. Mark brought the stereo. Tim brought the television. Mark owned the couch. The recliner was Tim's. It was a one-bedroom apartment. Tim slept in the bedroom and they screened of a part of the living room for Mark. The result was eclectic but comfortable.

Mark noticed a change in himself since he had moved into the apartment. It seemed like something inside of him was beginning to wake up. He felt more alive than he ever had before. Part of it was undeniably the change in surroundings. The rest seemed to be Tim's influence. Tim had a palpable energy around him. It was like static in the air on a dry windy day. There was a refreshing lightness and a freedom in the way he acted. It was hard to be angry at him. His smile could win over anyone. Even when he was unhappy the sadness was only a thin layer and it quickly melted away.

Sometimes Mark would just sit and watch Tim. His motions were fluid and he seemed to float rather than walk. His efficient muscles worked smoothly and elegantly making even the most mundane movements pleasant to observe. Morning sunlight seemed to gravitate to him as he passed the windows. It would search for any drop of water still clinging to his golden reddish hair and make it sparkle like a diamond. Even on that cold frozen night Tim brought a little warmth into the room.

He came in and sat down next to Mark and asked if they could talk. Mark turned off the TV and turned his attention to his friend. Tim was worried. He had something to tell Mark.

"I hope you'll understand." said Tim.

"Come on, I'm your friend. What ever it is I'm sure I can deal with it," answered Mark, "What is it?"

"Mark, I'm gay. I'm not sure if you knew."

The words hit Mark like lightning. He convulsively moved away from Tim. He pictured Tim kissing another man. He imagined their arms wrapped tightly around each other, and he was furious. Mark's father had told him about men like Tim. He had told Mark that they were dirty and immoral. Mark's father had a deep evil hatred for homosexuals. Now that hatred awakened in Mark. It swirled inside of him like a storm. Mark's father had a stream of cuss words ready for any gay man who crossed his path. With out thinking Mark started to repeat them but they would not come out smoothly. He choked on every word as the insults tore at his insides. He could see how they hurt Tim and he felt the pain too.

For the first time Mark had done something truly hurtful to Tim. He looked wounded and tears began to pour down his face like hot blood. He did not say anything. He got up, put on his coat, and disappeared into the freezing night air. He did not slam the door. He closed it gently. Mark was left on the couch sick from his own words. Some cold biting emotion raged inside of him like a blizzard. He tried to hate Tim but could not.

After calming down, Mark sat on his bed in the dark trying to understand why he had reacted so violently. The idea of Tim with another man had made him angry. The image in his mind was his own creation. Tim had never brought anyone home. Mark did not want to admit it but he had felt jealous. He tried to justify it to himself. He tried to tell himself that he was angry because Tim would have less time to hang out if he had a boyfriend. Mark tried to convince himself that he only objected to a third person crowding the apartment. He told himself that he did not want to catch them kissing. He told himself stories but as the night got colder his memory tore them to shreds. He blushed as he remembered dreams that he had tried to forget. He had dreamed of kissing Tim and holding him close. The dreams had been so vivid that he woke up sweaty and stiff still feeling Tim's touch. He would lie there feeling his heart beat and for once feeling alive.

Now even in the dark with only himself as a witness he felt deeply ashamed. All the evil things that he had said to Tim were meant for him as well. He was the dirty immoral one. He hated himself. Then he thought of Tim. He tried to imagine where Tim had gone. The sane part of Mark's brain told him that Tim was safe with friends but there was not much sanity left in him. He was haunted by the image of Tim out in the cold. In his mind he could see Tim sitting on a bench or a curb with the light slowly fading from his eyes. Every time Mark pushed the nightmarish vision out of his head a new more disturbing one took its place. The images of ice and snow and death brought him to tears.

As morning approached Mark managed to doze but his dreams were plagued with shadowy specters and guilt-ridden fears. Finally as the first gray hints of daylight appeared on the horizon Mark gave up trying to rest. He put on several layers of warm clothing and went outside. He knew he would not find Tim out there but he could not stop himself from looking. He wanted to prove to himself that Tim was alright and not frozen or frostbitten. He chose a random direction and began to walk. The cold air felt like an icepack wrapped around him. It calmed the fever that had gripped his mind all night. The fresh crisp air began to restore order to his thoughts. As the darkness of night began to lift so did his spirit. His feelings for Tim seemed less shameful, but he hoped they would pass. He did not want to be gay but that did not matter as much as his friendship with Tim.

He continued to walk as sunrise grew nearer and the frozen world began to regain its color. People began to emerge from their homes. It was Saturday but there were plenty of people on their way to work. They marched like soldiers armed with strong coffee. Others led shivering dogs on frosted leashes. A few people watched from their windows waiting for the ice to melt.

There was a park at the end of the street. Normally people would be jogging there like Mark and Tim had often done. Today no one ventured onto the ice paved paths except Mark. The rising sun turned the frost covered ground a brilliant white. There was grass somewhere deep below the surface but it did not dare to sprout. Along the walkway small leafless trees stood frozen and rigid. They had been watered shortly before the temperature dropped below freezing. Icicles and droplets hung from their still bows and sparkled like rare fiery jewels. In the middle of the park a fountain stood frozen like a heart that had stopped beating. Its lifeless streams of ice were breathtaking in their stillness but Mark wished that they would melt and flow again. He wanted life to return to the world. Looking away from the fountain he saw a bundled up figure sitting on a bench motionless like everything around it.

The man was facing away from Mark and did not see him, but Mark knew that it was Tim. There was no mistaking the amber colored hair that showed from under the knitted cap. Mark approached him carefully trying not to slip on the ice. His heart was beating fast. Something about the dead stillness terrified him. He wished Tim would move. He wished something in the park would show some sign of life. By the time he reached the bench he was breathless.

"Tim, I'm sorry," he gasped.

Tim was startled and immediately recoiled but he listened to Mark's apology. He was hurt by the rejection but was willing to try to forgive.

"If you can't live with a person like me," he said softly trying to keep his voice steady, "maybe we should start looking for new apartments."

Neither of them wanted that. "I can live with someone like you."

Tim was still concerned, "You really don't have to live with me," he said flatly.

"I still have to live with myself. I'm like you...you know," Mark said. He could not bring himself to say the word gay but Tim knew what he meant. "If you want your boyfriend to live with us it's ok."

"I don't have a boyfriend."

"Then why did you tell me?"

Tim did not answer. They both knew why. They got up from the bench and began to walk. Around them the park began to melt. The fountain began to drip. Beads of water rolled down its curves like fresh sap. The paths became less treacherous and the trees shed their icy armor. Little birds landed on the branches and groomed their colorful plumes.

Joggers took to the streets. Dogs wagged their tails again. As they walked Mark told Tim about his homophobic father. He told him about his mother who had taught him that love was a sin. He told about an unfortunate acquaintance who had been beaten late one night as punishment for caring about someone too much. He told Tim all about his past until they were finally home. As they took off their coats, Tim changed the subject. "I'll help you," he said, " but you have to let go of the past."

For a moment Mark was able to let go. He was too tired to hold on to memories. He put his arms around Tim's small waist and the rest of the world seemed to melt away. He closed his eyes and inhaled the sweet smell of Tim's skin. It was like the smell of the wind. It made him feel free.

Taking a chance, Tim gently kissed him on the cheek. His lips were warm against Marks pale cold skin. They melted something inside of Mark that had been frozen for years. He felt his heart beat and life race through his veins like fire. He pressed his lips to Tim's and felt dizzy. They held on to each other as the whole world seemed to brighten. Every sense seemed on fire. Every touch was amplified. Mark thought he could feel every tiny pore in Tim's soft skin. He gently ran his hand up and down his back under his shirt. They kissed again. It left Mark gasping for air. The wave of emotion could have carried him but instead it overpowered him. He took a step back and asked if they could take things slowly.

They did take it slowly. At first talking and holding hands they let the barrier between them melt. As the weather got warmer so did their feelings. They gently kissed their fears away until there was nothing separating them but the vapors that rose from their skin.