I was lost. Trees stretched out, in every direction, as far as I could see. I turned in a circle, not sure where I had come from or where I should have been going. I could feel rain drops on my skin, and see the leaves on the trees weighed down from the water pouring from the sky. I was in a forest and I felt the hope I’d gained from my escape slowly slip away. They would find me. It was only a matter of time. I closed my eyes, while still turning in a slow circle and counted to 7, my lucky number. When I reached 7, I opened my eyes, and started running. Nothing looked similar, so maybe I was going in the right direction, or at least a direction that wasn’t taking me back to the cabin I’d escaped.

I still had blood on my hands. It was a mixture of Caroline’s blood, and the man who had taken us.

Though I was terrified, my mind was clear. I knew exactly what I had to do. I just had to keep running until I found someone who could help. And if I ran into ‘him’, I was going to kill myself. I wouldn’t be taken back there. I couldn’t. I would never survive.

I knew what I’d done was terrible, but it was survival. I could feel pieces of myself splintering. If I ever did make it out of this alive, I’d never be the same again.

After walking for I didn’t know how long, I saw a light in the distance. It was a small dot that grew larger the closer I ran. When I reached it, I realized that I was on a road and the dot was a street lamp. I didn’t see anyone on the road, but I couldn’t risk being seen by ‘him’, so I stuck parallel to the road in the line of the trees, and followed along.

I don’t know how much time passed, my concept of minutes and hours had all but completely disappeared, when I felt the rain started coming down, and I saw headlights in the distance. The rain made seeing the make of car difficult, but I thought I could make out the shape of a cross polo, with a silver colour. Someone had parked off to the side, on the other side of the road. I stuck to the edge of the trees, I could see out, but I doubt anyone could have seen me. As I got closer to the car, I stepped on a twig and snapped it. A light turned on in the car. It was a woman. And she was on her phone. She turned her head toward the sound of the twig snapping. I don’t know if she had heard it, as the rain was coming down hard and loud, but somehow she knew that someone was watching her. She climbed out of her car and looked in my direction.

“Is someone there?” She said, her voice loud enough to carry.

She was getting soaked from the rain, but she didn’t get back into her car. Instead she closed the door, and started walking in my direction. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to run again. I didn’t have it in me. As she walked closer, I got a better look at her. She was short and petite in frame. And she had bright pink hair. She looked like an art student. Something in my brain told me that everything was safe, so I moved forward so she could see me. The woman stopped walking, and just stared at me.

After a while, she spoke again, “Are you okay? What happened?”

She looked me up and down, taking in the blood and torn clothing.

I opened my mouth, but no words came. Instead I just started crying and crumpled to the floor. She ran over to me, and pulled me into her arms. While rubbing my arm with one hand, she fumbled to get her phone out.

I could hear a voice on the other end of the phone. “911, what’s your emergency.”

“There’s a girl, she covered in blood, and her clothes are torn. I think something seriously bad happened.”

I blacked out as soon as she’d finished her sentence, a weight finally lifting off my shoulders.

***

It was so quiet where I was sitting, that I could hear the paper burning from my cigarette. Karen knew I smoked. So she didn’t mind that I sat outside, puffing away. It was one of the only things that helped keep me calm in moments of high stress. A week had passed since my first day at Augustine Prep. And I was due for my next therapist visit. The sun was still burning hot in the sky, I could feel the perspiration bead on my forehead, as I sipped on my third redbull for the day and waited for my sister to gather her things. She was my lift.

“You done?” She came out the front door, locking up behind her, jingling her car keys.

I killed the smoke in the ashtray that we kept outside. “Yup.”

“Those things are going to kill you one day.”

I walked beside Karen as we moved towards her car.

“Rather that, than something else.”

A grim look passed over her face for a split second, then disappeared. She knew what had happened to me, and I knew she was just trying to lighten the mood, but her choice of words was poor.

The drive to my therapist’s office was quiet. It always was. I didn’t want to speak. Geraldine, the therapist my father had picked out for me, made me relive the terror every time I saw her. I knew in the long run it would help, it was only logical, but logic had nothing to do with my emotion and I dreaded it none the less.

***

“How was your first week at the new school?”

Geraldine sat across the room, watching me as I stared blankly out the window. Today she had decided on wearing flats, instead of her usual stilettos, and a cute sundress. Her long brown hair was loose around her shoulders, with her glasses on top of her head like a hair band.

“Uneventful.” I turned towards her and sat on the edge of the windowsill.

“Do you enjoy the classes?” She hadn’t picked up her pen yet, so these questions were just a precursor to what she really wanted to know.

“They’re boring actually.” It was the truth. I found the classes mundane. Everything seemed too normal after what I’d experienced. I kept waiting for something to jump out at me.

“There must be one class that you like?”

I thought for a second before I answered. She liked when I thought about what I wanted to say.

“I’m looking forward to my art classes actually. We haven’t had one yet.” Again, the truth. Before ‘the incident’, art had been my favourite and best subject.

“That’s good. Your sister told me that you were a very talented artist.”

Silence ensued. I was, once upon a time, the best in my school. I’d only sketched recently though. Too afraid to unpack my paint brushes. I was scared of what the canvas would bring out of me.

“Can you tell me how you’re feeling right now Talita?”

There it was… the burning question that she was just itching to ask.

I walked over to the chair in front of Geraldine, sat down, and pulled my knees to my chest. I looked around her office. It reminded me of those private libraries you see on TV, the kind rich people own. It was cosy, but I suddenly felt suffocated. I could feel a panic attack coming on. My heart pounded in my ears. My vision blurred. Everything sounded like my head was under water. It took a few moments for Geraldine to snap me out of it. She handed me a can of coke when I finally moved. The sugar was supposed to settle me.

“You had that dream again, didn’t you?” She asked when I finally made eye contact.

I looked away again. That dream. More like a nightmare. I couldn’t escape it. Every night was the same thing. I fell asleep in the early hours of the morning, the dream starting out different each time, but it always ended the same, with me covered in blood.

“Geraldine. I can’t do this today.”

I was tired. And no amount of redbull was going to change that. I just wanted a night of dreamless sleep. I just wanted to not dream. My body was exhausted and my mind numb.

Geraldine looked at me sternly, then shook her head and sighed.

“Talita. You can’t keep doing this. You need to get through at least one full session. Until then, we can’t move forward, and I’ll be stuck asking the same questions that you hate.”

I put my head in my hands.

She sighed, “I’ll prescribe some sleeping tablets for you.”

I looked at her in shock.

“They are mild. You won’t be completely incapacitated, but you should be able to get at least one night’s sleep.”

I hated the thought of any drug, legal and illegal alike. I never wanted my senses to be dulled ever again.

“Talita, I promise you that if anything were to happen, you would wake up.”

She scribbled something on a piece of paper, tore it from the pad and handed it to me.

“And don’t even think of throwing it away. I’m going to phone Karen as soon as you leave and tell her that I gave it to you.”

“Fine.” I snatched the piece of paper and shoved it into my pocket. I was angry. Everyone knew I hated any form of drug. I couldn’t understand why people kept trying to shove them down my throat. My mother thought that she could get me back to normal by feeding me painkillers, my dad thought anti-anxiety drugs were a good thing, even Karen wanted me to take some form of anti-depressant. I refused. But the idea of getting a full night’s sleep was tempting. I didn’t want Geraldine to know that though, so I stormed out of her office before she could read any more emotions off my face. I understood that she was just trying to help me, but my fractured mind couldn’t handle any more poking and prodding.

Karen held her hand out to me when I got in the car. I reluctantly handed over the slip of paper as she drove to the nearest pharmacy to get the prescription filled.

Three hours later Karen stood next to my bed with a cup of tea and a tiny pill in her hand. I just stared at her.

“Don’t make me force feed it to you, Tali. I’ll be right here until you fall asleep.”

“Who will lock my door?” I asked in defiance.

“I have the spare key. I’ll lock up when I leave. Next question?”

I was sitting up with my duvet over my knees. I had been reading when she’d let herself into my room.

“What if something happens and I can’t wake up?” I challenged her.

“Geraldine assured me, and you, that you won’t be completely knocked out.”

“What if I dream again?” I had to tell Karen about the dreams when I started screaming in my sleep one night. Karen had nearly kicked my door down to get to me.

“She also told me that you will be able to sleep without any dreams, Talita.”

I sighed. I was fighting a losing battle. I was rankled but I stretched out my hand, palm up. She handed me the pill, careful not to touch me, and then gave me the tea. I took a sip, and then head back, dropped the pill into my mouth. I’d always been like that. Liquid first, then medication. I couldn’t handle the feel of a tablet on my tongue.

I set the tea cup on my side table and pulled the blanket up to my chest.

“I’m scared Kazi.”

“I know kiddo.” She moved my desk chair closer to the bed, so she could sit next to me.

“No you don’t. I’m always scared. It’s like the fear is eating away at me, one Talita sized piece at a time.”

I lay back, getting comfortable. Comfort was one thing I’d always appreciate after what happened.

“I’m sorry Tali. I cannot begin to understand what you went through, or what you’re still going through. But I’m here now, and nothing, I mean abso-fucking-lutely nothing will harm you again. Not while I’m alive.”

I felt love in her words, and a fierce protectiveness. She had taken the role of my mother, when my mother stopped acting like one.

My eyes felt heavy, and once I’d closed them I was out.

I woke as the sun was rising. And relief flooded my system. I hadn’t had any dreams and for the first time in a long time, I felt as rested as I could be.