Without You - 1. Story

Without You

by Myk

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today….” Father Morgan began the sombre ceremony. He was in his best black suit, the typical white collar resting brightly over his Adam’s apple as he addressed the small crowd. He had only agreed to perform the service as a special favour. Over the last several months in the hospital, the man had grown to know the couple very well, and they him.

 

In reality they were not a couple anymore. The ‘boys’ had been reduced to just a single boy and he could not wrap his head around what had happened. The last week had become one never-ending out-of-body experience. Everything since his lover’s eyes closed for the last time seemed unreal. In a state of shock the events since that day had passed in a blur and the only thoughts that seemed to be running through his head were how had this happened? What could I have possibly done to deserve falling from such happiness into utter despair?

 

These thoughts inevitably took him back to one day, that one day that all this pain started, almost six months ago.

 

*          *          *

 

“Will, Will.” A voice said repeatedly while shaking him. “William wake up, you’re going to be late!” Opening his eyes he was greeted by a kind face, with subtle features, a square jaw and short spiky hair that was a sleepy mess.

 

“Morning Paul. What time is it?” William asked.

 

“Well sleepyhead, it is almost eight,” Paul replied.

 

“Oh shit! I’m going to be….” William began in a panic.

 

“Late?” Paul said with a small smirk on his face. “Yeah, I know. You go have a quick shower and I, your fabulous boyfriend will iron your clothes. I don’t have class till ten so I can drive you to the hospital and maybe, just maybe you won’t be late, again.”

 

“Thanks love,” William said, propping himself up on one elbow to give Paul a peck on the cheek.

 

“Yeah, yeah, get going,” Paul said, laughing and pushing William out of the bed.

 

Landing somewhat ungracefully on the floor, William made his way to the bathroom just off their bedroom and turned the shower on. The hot water cascading down his body felt amazing. Every muscle basked in the warmth of the water as it ran over his smooth skin. Since he started his clinical rotations, he couldn’t seem to get enough relaxing moments like this. Working so hard, staying late, all the extra little things he did for his patients were exhausting. If the job wasn’t so rewarding, he would still put this effort in because if nothing else, pushing so hard was worth it because when you get the chance to stop, it just feels so good. Except for when his body took an extra hour of sleep that he didn’t have to give. That reminded him, he was already late and needed to get moving.

 

Entering the bedroom again he couldn’t help but smile as he noticed his dress clothes freshly ironed and placed neatly on the edge of the bed. Standing in front of the mirror he started by pulling his pants on and doing up his belt. Wait, not his belt. The most worn hole on the belt was too loose for him. Paul must have grabbed one of his by accident.

 

“No more Oreos for you love.” He said to no one in particular. He remembered them being almost the same waist size and was surprised he had not noticed any extra weight on his partner. Turning back to the mirror there was also a visible rippling of the skin on the side of his chest. Maybe the difference wasn’t all because of Paul’s snacking…

 

“Geez Will, you really need to take it easy.” He told himself as he rubbed what he now realized were his ribs. With his pants now secured to his hips, he wasted no time in putting on the rest of his clothes and heading out of the bedroom.

 

The drive to the hospital didn’t take long but was considerably shorter than William’s usual morning ride along the bike path. As an added bonus he saved changing time as he was already in his dress clothes.

 

“Thanks for the ride,” William said as they pulled up to the curb by the front entrance to the hospital.

 

“No problem love,” Paul replied with a smile before his face changed to mock seriousness. “Now get out!” William couldn’t stop himself from chuckling but jumped out anyway and hurried into the building.

 

After a quick stop at his locker for his stethoscope and white coat, William raced up to the third floor to find the resident he was assigned to. It didn’t take long to spot the group of students in white coats surrounding the older resident dressed in a pair of blue scrubs.

 

“I guess we can finally get started, now that Mr. Davis has decided to grace us with his presence,” the resident said somewhat sarcastically. “We will start with room 305 and work our way around the floor.”

 

“Sorry Dr. Turell,” William said apologetically, joining the taller resident at the rear of the group as they started off on rounds.

 

“Don’t worry about apologizing to me; it’s your education you hurt when you’re late,” Dr. Turell said quietly looking down at him. This close William could see what one could call a ‘morning after shadow’ covering the man’s jaw line and neck. He must have been halfway through a 40 hour shift. “However, Dr. Howell would like to have a chat with you after rounds.”

 

A ‘chat’ with an attending was a big deal, but since it was Dr. Howell, William wasn’t overly concerned. Sure he would be disappointed but William had gotten to know the man fairly well as a professor last year and a mentor these last few weeks in his internal medicine rotation.

 

Entering room 305 they found a middle-aged man with a large moustache and easily seventy pounds more on his gut than was healthy. He barely spared a glance from the TV to look at the group entering his room. Apparently COPS was more pressing than his condition.

 

“Tim, why don’t you present,” Dr. Turell said to the tallest student in the group.

 

“Mr. Johnson is a 55 year old male who presented to the emergency room late last night with left lower quadrant abdominal pain, fever and nausea. Labs showed an increased white cell count. His past medical history is significant for hypertension and hyperlipidemia. Past surgical history includes cholecystectomy 5 years ago. Social history includes occasional alcohol consumption, a 10 pack-year history of smoking and he denied recreational drug use. There are no known drug allergies and family history is only significant for hypertension,” Tim said to the group gathered around the bed.

 

“Good. Give me the differential diagnosis,” Dr. Turell said pointing at Ming who was standing at the foot of the bed, her silky black hair catching the light.

 

“Diverticulitis, colon cancer, IBD, IBS, and ischemic colitis,” Ming rattled off as quickly as she could.

 

“Good. Now where is my CT?” Dr. Turell asked.

 

“They got backed up with several traumas a few hours ago. The radiologist should be almost done with the report on Mr. Johnson’s CT,” Tim stated when no one else had spoken.

 

“I’ll buy that. Tim, make sure you get that report when we are done with rounds,” Dr. Turell finished and turned to leave the room.

 

Over the next half hour the group saw another dozen patients that were currently admitted to their service. Dr. Turell wasted no time in dividing up tasks amongst the students, except for William. He took that as a dismissal and decided he might as well get his meeting with Dr. Howell over with. William found the nearest stairwell and climbed up to the next floor where most of the attending physicians had their offices. Entering the outer room he found one secretary sitting at a desk in front of four offices.

 

She looked up from her desk. “Hello, how may I help you?”

 

“Oh hi, uh, William Davis for Dr. Howell, please,” William said.

 

“Ah yes, Mr. Davis. He is just in a meeting at the moment, just take a seat and he will be with you shortly.” She nodded in the direction of several chairs along the wall to her left before returning her attention to the work in front of her. William turned his head to follow her gaze and then looked back toward her desk, his eyes catching on a picture on the corner of her desk.

 

“Thank you, Mrs. Howell,” William said, remembering a rumour he once heard about Dr. Howell having an ‘office romance.’ She looked up at the young man again as she heard her name. The woman couldn’t help but smile as she noticed his eyes glaze over in thought at the sight of the picture. After a moment he turned to go find a seat and wait. He was very observant, and it didn’t take much imagination for Mrs. Howell to see why her husband liked this young man.

 

Despite not being nervous about the meeting, William couldn’t help but become apprehensive in the silence that dominated the room. A short five minutes stretched into hours in his mind. When the door to Dr. Howell’s office did finally open, William nearly sprained his neck turning to see the emerging men.

 

“Thank you for taking the time Dr. Howell and we will have to get together to test out those new clubs sometime,” a rather heavyset man in a dark suit was saying as he emerged from the office.

 

“Anytime Dean Harvey, just give Sara a call and she will set something up,” Dr. Howell said from his doorway as he smiled at his wife. She smiled back before nodding in William’s direction. “Ah, Mr. Davis, please come on in.” William got up and followed Dr. Howell back into his office.

 

“Dr. Howell, I’m really sorry about showing up late, I don’t know what happened but it won’t happen ag….” William began after closing the door behind them, stopping abruptly when Dr. Howell held his hand up in the air.

 

“Please have a seat William,” he said lowering his hand and taking a seat himself. Dr. Howell then clasped his hands together and leaned forward over his desk supporting his weight with his forearms.

 

In the silence that followed William studied the man before him. He was broad shouldered but didn’t come across as a big guy and his short receding hair along with his thick goatee were peppered with grey hairs. “How are you? Everything all right at home?”

 

“Sir? Umm, yeah, everything is fine,” William replied.

 

“How’s your stress? The workload isn’t too much for you is it?” Dr. Howell pressed.

 

“No, not at all. Well, it is a lot of work but I love every minute of it.” William reassured the man.

 

“Yes I can see that. According to my information, despite being more and more frequently late, you’re staying later than anyone else in the program. You also have two recommendations on file from different staff members already. I’m just curious why you are having trouble being on time since you’ve never been late for even one of my classes in the last two years,” Dr. Howell said as he looked through some papers spread across his desk.

 

“I’ve just been having some trouble waking up but I intend to be here on time from now on,” William answered Dr. Howell’s unasked question.

 

“I see, is that all? I’m personally more worried about you being here for twelve hours straight and not eating anything. By the looks of it you’ve been losing some weight,” Dr. Howell said, his eyes wandering as much of William’s body as he could see above the desk.

 

“How do you know I haven’t been eating while…” William started but fell silent at a sharp look from Dr. Howell, whose eyes then fell to the ID badge hanging from William’s shirt pocket. “Of course the staff discount. I take it you know everything every student buys for lunch?” Dr. Howell’s pleasant smile was the only reply. “Well I haven’t been hungry in the midst of how busy things get. Plus I try not to eat much while here because it aggravates my stomach, I must have an ulcer or something. It isn’t that bad, I just don’t want to get distracted from the work.”

 

“I want you to start taking better care of yourself, and that means eating at least once a shift.” Dr. Howell said as he pulled a pad out of his desk and started scribbling on it. “Just to be on the safe side I want you to get a few tests done and promise me that you will come talk to me if you’re having any other problems.”

 

“I will, Dr. Howell,” William said as he took the form from Dr. Howell.

 

“Good. I think about covers everything then.”

 

Obeying the dismissal William stood up and left the office. “He doesn’t care about you being late…” Sara Howell said as he closed the door to her husband’s office, “but he does care.” William paused for a moment to return her smile before continuing out of the office and back down to the third floor.

 

Just as he was passing the nurses’ desk on his way to find Dr. Turell the lab request form was snatched out of his hand.

 

“Hey!” he said, turning around and coming face to face with Nurse Joyce. She was a large woman with chocolate brown skin and soulful brown eyes that matched. She was the last person you wanted to mess with, and probably the only nurse on the floor that could stare down every physician in the building.

 

“Uh huh…yes, I’ve got him right here…I’ll take care of it,” she said before hanging up the phone and glancing at the form in her other hand. “Just where do you think you are going?” She asked without even waiting for an answer. “You would think you doctors would have some common sense and take care of yourselves so you are able to help others,” Joyce continued to mumble as she grabbed him by the arm and dragged him to the nearest empty room.

 

After glancing at the form, she drained him of several vials of blood before handing him a plastic cup and pointing toward the bathroom. Sighing, he went off to fill it up. When he came out she handed him all the vials of blood properly labelled and told him he might as well pick up all of Dr. Turell’s labs while he was at it.

 

The rest of the day continued as usual, running samples to the lab, returning the results, learning various procedures and attending an afternoon lecture. In fact it was just an ordinary day, with the exception of Nurse Joyce chasing him off to the cafeteria. Unlike most days however, as five o’clock came around he found himself on his way to the staff locker rooms where he found Paul waiting for him with a garment bag in hand.

 

“Hey beautiful, what brings you here?” William asked.

 

“Well…” Paul started, pausing to unzip the bag and reveal a pirate costume and a colonial captain’s uniform, “…word is there is a little Halloween party here tonight.”

 

“Oh no, no way!” William said shaking his head, his cheeks flushing at the thought.

 

“Yes way. Everyone else is going. Your study partners Ming and Tim will be there, as will Dr. Turell and Dr. Howell for that matter. It’s for the kids and you are going to go with a smile on!” Paul said, finishing in mock anger while he walked over to William and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. That was all it took.

 

“OK, fine,” William said. “You owe me for this though.”

 

“I’ll give you first choice,” Paul offered while holding up the two costumes.

 

“Deal!” William exclaimed before grabbing the pirate costume and running around the corner to where his locker was located.

 

Within half an hour they entered the cafeteria side by side. The room had been cleared of all but a few tables and decorated in black and orange. There were snacks, drinks, a cauldron overflowing with fog, and a pumpkin decorating station; evidently carving was not covered by the hospital’s insurance policy.

 

William made sure to introduce Paul to some of the staff, especially Dr. Turell as well as Dr. and Mrs. Howell. After making the rounds they joined Ming and Tim in helping some of the kids decorate their pumpkins. About an hour or so into the party most of the kids had to go back to their room for one reason or another. At that point someone turned on some music and things slowly started to turn into more of a staff party.

 

William, Paul, Ming and Tim spent a while eating and joking off to one side of the room. It wasn’t until about ten minutes after Dr. Howell had lead his wife into the middle of the room and started dancing that Paul grabbed William’s arm and dragged him in that direction. Reluctantly William gave in but made a note to himself to get Ming back for the smile she was wearing.

 

People came and went, as did the gazes of those in the room. They vaguely noticed Ming and Tim dancing for awhile before the rather mismatched pair left for the night. William thought nothing of it when Joyce entered with Dr. Turell who had returned to work earlier. He barely even noticed Mrs. Howell moving off to get a drink as Dr. Howell left in a hurry with Nurse Joyce and Dr. Turell.

 

“Pardon your indulgence sire,” Paul said in character and breaking the silence between them. “Perhaps it is time we turned in.”

 

“Aye, me hearty. Let’s weigh anchor and set sail,” William said, and then continued in a whisper using his usual voice. “I just don’t think I can let you go my love.” Paul chuckled and lifted his chin off William’s shoulder before resting his forehead against his partner’s.

 

“Well beautiful, I don’t want to let go either but one of us has reached their tardy limit,” Paul said, his breath brushing over William’s lips.

 

“Party pooper,” Will teased.

 

“You think that’s bad?” Paul asked while breaking their contact and looking into William’s vibrantly green eyes. Reaching one hand up to cover William’s cheek and the other around his waist onto his back he pulled William into him. As their lips met all thoughts drifted away and a tingle travelled down to the tips of their fingers and toes. Paul finished the kiss with a final peck and then allowed their lips to brush as he spoke again. “Try this.” William was left shocked and tingling in the middle of the room as Paul turned and headed for the door.

 

“Now that’s just cruel,” William whispered to himself before jogging to catch up with his man. They had just reached the building’s atrium on their way to the parking lot when a voice caught their attention.

 

“William!” Turning they could see it was Dr. Howell with Dr. Turell in tow. When they had reached the two of them, Dr. Howell, still dressed as the Beast, his half of the couple’s costume, continued, “I think we need to talk.”

 

Dr. Howell led them into the nearest corridor and the first empty room he could find. He gestured for the two of them to sit down on the bed while Dr. Turell pulled up a chair.

 

“We need to talk about the tests I had you take earlier,” Dr. Howell began. He hesitated for a moment, allowing a blanket of silence to envelope the room before continuing, “Your labs showed increased conjugated bilirubin…” Dr. Howell said as he stepped up to William and pulled the skin under his eyes down. “…and you’re showing a little icterus.”

 

“What does that mean?” Paul’s eyes were wide as he glanced towards William.

 

“It means that there is likely some obstruction between my liver and my small intestine. I’m not getting rid of the products of my red blood cells,” William answered.

 

“Lay back Will, and lift your shirt up,” Dr. Howell told him. He began to press his fingers into William’s abdomen in various places. After a minute or two he turned to look at Dr. Turell. “Negative for Murphy’s sign.”

 

At that point Dr. Turell got up and left the room. Dr. Howell continued to palpate but much deeper now.

 

“Translation?” Paul asked starting to look scared now.

 

“Murphy’s sign is a test for gall stones. Since it was negative I probably don’t have any,” William said quietly to Paul, attempting to reassure him with his eyes. Dr. Turell entered the room again dragging a cart full of equipment with him.

 

“Find anything?” he asked Dr. Howell.

 

“I’m not sure,” Dr. Howell replied. He then grabbed a tube and a small device attached to a coiled cord off of the cart. After applying some gel to William’s stomach he pressed the device to his skin. A small monitor on the cart came to life showing strange pictures.

 

“Stomach, diaphragm, duodenum…” Dr. Howell said as he stared at the monitor “…Dr. Turell, do you see that? On the pancreas.”

 

“Yeah, I see it,” Dr. Turell replied after moving around the bed to get a better view of the monitor.

 

“What?!” Paul asked staring vainly at the monitor in an attempt to figure out what was wrong.

 

“It looks like a mass,” William said craning his neck to see what they were looking at.

 

“A mass of what?” Paul asked his voice cracking slightly as a single tear rolled down his cheek. Hearing Paul’s voice Dr. Howell put the ultrasound wand down and turned to look at William and Paul.

 

“All I can say for sure is that there is a mass of tissue on William’s pancreas. I’ll want to get a CT and a few more tests done before I can say anything for sure,” Dr. Howell said.

 

“But you must have an idea of what it could be, don’t you? Like what is the worst case scenario here?” Paul asked the two doctors in front of him. They both looked at each other and back at the two boys.

 

“They think it’s a tumour, in other words, pancreatic cancer,” William spoke up, breaking the silence that had engulfed the room.

 

“How bad….” Was all Paul could get out as he stared at the foot of the bed, unable to look his love in the eyes.

 

“As bad as it gets,” William said quietly, his vision starting to blur from tears. “If I have icterus, yellow color in my eyes that is, it must be at least partially in the head of the pancreas. Which means it may be impossible to remove surgically.”

 

Paul looked up at the two doctors as if hoping William was wrong. The only response he got was a nod of agreement from Dr. Turell.

 

Dr. Howell placed his hand on William’s shoulder as Dr. Turell told them they’d get started on more tests in the morning, so they might as well spend the night. William and Paul were not paying much attention and neither physician had the heart to say anything else. Instead they just left them there to be alone with one another. William was lost in shock and Paul crying softly, his face buried in the ruffles of William’s pirate shirt. After several hours they both drifted off into a quiet slumber in each other’s embrace.

 

The next day found William in a pair of blue scrubs and Paul in his clothes from the day before. Neither of them had left the hospital and few words passed between them. Instead they shared a sphere of silence, comforted simply by each other’s presence. Most of their time was spent warming their hands on cups of coffee in the cafeteria that went cold with time, or gazing at the rain washed windows of the atrium with glazed over eyes.

 

In the late morning William was taken for a CT scan to get a better look at the mass. Somehow Dr. Howell had managed to arrange a biopsy for the early afternoon. They told him it would take a few days to get the final pathology results on the tissue sample. That would be the final nail in the coffin, so to speak, as to whether this growth was benign or malignant.

 

When Dr. Turell came back in for his next shift and found them still there, he told them both to go home and get some rest. Reluctantly they gave in and collected their things, including the two costumes. Before leaving Dr. Turell had a short chat with Paul and gave him his card.

 

The next two days passed slowly, more so than seemed possible and William couldn’t help but wonder how his patients could handle waiting weeks for result after result to come in. They both refused to leave each other and thus spent their time in bed cuddling and watching their favourite movies, one after another. For once, school was the last thing either of them cared about.

 

Thursday afternoon brought mixed news from Dr. Howell over the phone. The mass was definitely a tumour but it wasn’t that big. William was lucky that it had been caught so early, and that was only because of the location of the tumour which partially obstructed his bile duct. Then the hammer came down. The same location that had made the tumour detectable put it dangerously close to several major blood vessels. It was inoperable.

 

Dr. Howell tried to remain optimistic but the tears flowed freely for William, he knew his odds were no better than one in twenty. It was Paul’s turn to be silenced with shock and he remained silent as Dr. Howell continued. They were going to be as aggressive as they possibly could. William would start a cocktail of chemotherapy drugs first thing in the morning. Both Dean Harvey and Paul’s Dean at the School of Law had already granted them a leave of absence. Both of them turned it down at William’s insistence.

 

In the morning William received his first dose of chemo and although he didn’t throw up he did become very nauseous. Again Paul stayed with him and helped take care of him through the day and the weekend. Come Monday Paul returned to his classes at law school, but only after a great deal of prodding from William. In return William had given into Paul’s insistence that he would drive William to and from the hospital every day.

 

Throughout the day William kept up with his work as much as he could. In Paul’s absence Ming and Tim kept a watch over him and helped out as much as they could. In the evening Paul would help William be as comfortable as possible, or at least keep him company over the toilet bowl. After William would finally fall into a deep sleep, Paul would take out his books and work hard into the early morning to keep up in his classes.

 

Things continued in much the same way throughout November. The weather outside changed with the first snowfall and William, in turn, traded in his hair for a stylish toque. In early December the snow thickened, which was about the same time that William began feeling much worse. Every treatment took a greater toll on him, causing him to become fairly weak and have difficulty keeping anything down.

 

At this point William looked more like a patient than a medical student. He had long since traded in his shirt and tie for scrubs and could often be found dragging an IV poll from room to room. Throughout it all Paul was ever-present. He was always at William’s side supporting him both literally and figuratively.

 

With only a week to go before Christmas, William’s condition had forced him to be hospitalized. He was almost finished with his first round of chemotherapy but he had become so frail and his immune system weakened to the point where any infection could be dangerous. Paul had practically taken up residence in William’s room since his classes had finished for the fall term.

 

“Afternoon lads, how are you guys doing today?” Dr. Evans said in that weedy British accent of his, as he entered their room. He was the Chief Resident of oncology and had been taking care of William since he had been admitted.

 

“Just super, thanks,” William said sarcastically.

 

“We’re getting by,” Paul answered chuckling softly.

 

“Uh huh. Well, tomorrow morning will be your last dose of chemo. We will probably keep you here for a few days to make sure your immune system gets going again but I think you should be able to spend Christmas at home,” Dr. Evens finished somewhat brightly.

 

“We practically are home,” Paul stated while looking around at their collection of clothes, personal items and piles of get well gifts that were spread around the room.

 

“I guess that is true,” Dr. Evans said with a small smile. “Anyway I’ll be back later to check up on you. I want you to get some rest; no stealing charts today, your patients are in good hands.”

 

“Yeah? Tell that to Mr. Patel. How could the ER miss his appendicitis?!” William said, obviously unhappy about being restricted.

 

“He had situs inversus,” Dr. Evans said exasperatedly.

 

“So?” William pressed.

 

“It’s incredibly rare. You just stay put or I’ll have to give Nurse Joyce a call,” he said with mild exasperation before exiting the room.

 

“Low blow,” William mumbled to Dr. Evans’s back. “Hey Paul, could you do me an itty bitty favour?”

 

“No way, no how!” Paul said before chiding him. “You are supposed to be resting, not worrying about all creation.”

 

“Come on, someone has to help poor Mrs. Smith. She is on dialysis you know,” William said pleadingly and then went for the patented ‘puppy dog eyes.’ “Please!”

 

“Ah, I hate you,” Paul teased. “Fine, but that is your quota for the day and I expect you to get some rest afterward.”

 

Paul got up from his chair and turned to go out into the hallway only to find his way blocked by two figures. The form of a moderately overweight woman a fair bit shorter than William but with the same green eyes ran past Paul.

 

“William!” She exclaimed, wrapping him into a tight hug. “Oh, my poor boy.” Walking into the room behind the woman was a tall man with broad shoulders, a moustache and the same facial structure as William.

 

“You must be Paul,” he said holding out his hand.

 

“Mr. Davis?” Paul asked without confidence as he shook the man’s hand.

 

“Mom! Dad! Stop squeezing Mother, you’re killing me. What are you guys doing here?” William asked his parents.

 

“Well, we got a call a few days back about our son being admitted to the hospital. Something about us being his emergency contact,” Mr. Davis stated.

 

“We tried to phone you, but there was no answer at your apartment. So we decided to come down here and check up on you,” Mrs. Davis said as she fussed with his sheets instead of suffocating her son.

 

“Well son…” Mr. Davis said turning back to Paul, “…it has been right good of you to look after Will like this. You must really be a good friend but I think we can take it from here.”

 

“Huh?” was all Paul could say. Paul wasn’t sure why Mr. Davis said they could take it from here. Also why was he pushing his son’s boyfriend out the door after just meeting him? Worst of all, did he just call him a ‘good friend?’ Paul looked over at William for answers and was surprised with what he found.

 

“I’m sure you want to rush home to see your family instead of hanging out here in the hospital,” Mr. Davis said in response to Paul’s confusion. William’s face clearly showed fear and yes, even embarrassment. Paul could only come to one conclusion, his parents didn’t know.

 

“Yeah, well it was nice meeting both of you,” Paul said as he grabbed his coat and turned toward the door so they could have some space. Looking back as he walked out, his hurt look met with William’s apologetic face.

 

Paul spent the night in their lonely apartment, while William’s parents visited with their son. Even though this wasn’t the first time that Paul had spent the night alone in their bed it was the first night he would associate the word cold with their home.

 

In the morning Paul decided to go back to the hospital. He knew he couldn’t spend one second longer being uncertain about what there was between the two of them. Also he couldn’t allow William to go through the aftereffects of his last treatment alone. So that’s how it came to be that Paul found himself outside William’s room in the oncology ward just before noon.

 

For some reason he hesitated, wondering about how the next few moments might go. Just then, Mrs. Davis came out of the room with a cherry red face and tears streaking down her cheeks. Right behind her was Mr. Davis looking very aggravated.

 

“I just can’t take it Harold!” She wailed.

 

“I know dear, neither can I. It is just awful,” Mr. Davis said in a frustrated tone as he put his arm around his wife. “I don’t know how anyone can handle watching him go through this.” Before Paul knew it his feet were carrying him forward.

 

“It’s about what he needs, so you just do what you have to,” Paul said quietly to William’s parents as he walked past them and into Will’s room. Paul found him in the washroom sitting on the floor with his head bent over the rim of the toilet. Without a moment’s pause, Paul dropped to his knees behind him, wrapping one arm around to the far side of his chest and held him snugly.

 

The two of them stayed embraced like that for what felt like forever. Eventually William was feeling well enough to let Paul guide him back to his bed where they laid down side by side.

 

Later in the afternoon both Mr. and Mrs. Davis returned. Mrs. Davis pulled a chair to the side of the bed and just sat there holding her son’s hand. Mr. Davis found a small spot at the end of the bed and simply placed one hand on William’s ankle.

 

The sun set and the snow picked up again as the four of them sat there quietly. Sometime after that a nurse came in and left a tray of food for William to try and eat. William’s parents decided to go find something edible in the cafeteria, leaving Paul alone with William again.

 

“You never told them about us,” Paul said in a quiet, neutral tone sometime after Will’s parents left. It wasn’t a question. “I thought we discussed this and decided to tell our parents last Thanksgiving?”

 

“You said you wanted to tell your parents when we went and stayed there over the holiday,” William said timidly. “I tried to tell you that my parents just wouldn’t understand, but I didn’t mind you telling your parents.”

 

“I was just as afraid to tell my parents,” Paul confided.

 

“Your parents are much more accepting than mine are. For them this…” William said holding up their intertwined hands, “…would be unthinkable.”

 

“Look,” Paul said sitting up so he could look into those vibrant green eyes and clasped his lover’s hand between both of his. “How they feel won’t change unless you show them how you truly feel. The longer you wait the harder it will get, but you will have to tell them sooner or later.”

 

“Tell us what?” Mr. Davis said standing in the doorway behind Paul with Mrs. Davis at his side. For a moment there was compete silence, as William stared at Paul with his eyes open wide in surprise.

 

“Can you give us a minute Paul?” William asked his boyfriend as his eyes settled back into their sockets. Paul gave him a reassuring smile before standing up and walking out the door. William’s parents came into the room, Mrs. Davis retaking her seat while Mr. Davis stood behind her.

 

“There is something you guys should know about Paul and…” William started before his dad cut him off.

 

“Oh, yeah he is such a great guy, isn’t he Martha?” He said pausing for his wife to nod before continuing with a rhetorical question. “Who would have thought he would turn out to be such a good friend when you first met him?”

 

William couldn’t help but be reminded of the day when they first met. It was the day of their undergraduate convocation and for some reason the department of biology was stuck with communication studies, something about overflow from the faculty of science. They both showed up late, so they ended up sitting next to each other.

 

The ceremony was long and boring, so they got to talking and it turned out they would both be returning next year, William in medicine and Paul for law school. Several stories about bad roommates led them to discuss possibly living with each other the following year. After the ceremony they exchanged numbers as both sets of parents waited impatiently to get photos done.

 

The following year they found a place together. It took Paul about a month to come out to William, and William another two months to do the same. By New Year’s they were officially dating and by the following Thanksgiving, Paul was taking William home to meet the parents. Now here William was finally doing the same thing with his parents.

 

“That isn’t quite what I meant Dad. Paul and I are…” William started but found he couldn’t finish.

 

“Well, come on boy, spit it out,” his father said impatiently.

 

“Look, Paul is my…” William again paused but managed to blurt out the last word, “boyfriend.” William knew his mother understood the implication. As disappointment spread across her face his heart fell.

 

“Uh, William, what did you umm, say, I mean, what?” Mr. Davis spluttered.

 

“Dad, I’m gay!” William stated boldly.

 

“You’re what?!” Paul heard Mr. Davis yell from out in the hallway. The conversation drifted in and out of earshot but he was able to pick up several fragments. “No son of mine…” “…some queer!” “…wrong with you!” A few minutes after that Mr. Davis stormed out of the room and down the hallway. Paul was able to see Mrs. Davis kiss her son on the forehead before silently leaving the room and following her husband out of the building.

 

“I told you,” William said sadly when Paul came back into the room. Strangely he seemed lighter after revealing that part of himself to his parents.

 

“Well, maybe you were right about that one,” Paul said a little awkwardly.

 

“Now you tell me!” William exclaimed in mock exaggeration before chuckling softly.

 

The two of them didn’t get to go home for Christmas, but that didn’t matter much to them. Various people came and went all day wishing them well. They spent the majority of the day just lying together with Paul’s arm behind William’s neck and William’s head and hand on Paul’s chest. The only thing that was better than that was late in the evening when Paul lifted William’s head up and kissed him tenderly on the lips before whispering ‘I love you.’ Paul could almost taste the sickness on William’s lips, a mixture of stomach contents and lunch, but happily kissed him again anyway.

 

January came and found Paul back in class and William recovering at home from the last of the chemo. Watching Paul working hard in school those weeks really brought home to William how much he had been sacrificing for him. Near the end of the month he was back in the hospital getting a fresh CT scan done of his abdomen to determine his prognosis.

 

“Well, good news, the tumour has shrunk moderately,” Dr. Evans said once William and Paul were seated in his office. “It also looks like the tumour is receding away from these major blood vessels.” They both couldn’t help but smile, Dr. Evans, however, wasn’t smiling.

 

“What is the bad news?” William asked, his face sagging slightly.

 

“Well the tumour has begun to recede but it is still too close to one blood vessel in particular to operate,” Dr. Evens stated. Then looking down at his desk he continued, “We want you to do another round of chemotherapy before removing the rest of the tumour.”

 

Paul managed to look strong but William was really not looking forward to another round of drugs. Dr. Evans filled them in on the details which were completely lost on William. At some point Paul helped him to his feet and guided him out of the office and back home.

 

Come Valentine’s Day, William was into his second week of his second round of chemo, and he was already taking it worse than at any point during the first round. Paul had a mid-term in the morning but was able to get away in the afternoon to come and visit his love. Just as he was about to walk into Will’s room with flowers in hand someone spoke up behind him.

 

“You ought to be careful with that one,” Sheryl, one of the floor nurses said.

 

“Oh?” Paul said, thinking she was joking with him.

 

“He hasn’t eaten since yesterday morning and he has sent half a dozen people from his room in tears,” she told him. “Apparently he is a little angry and knows the right buttons to push for just about everyone in this building.”

 

“I see. Well thanks for the warning,” Paul said, turning away from Sheryl and entering the room. “Happy Valentines Day, love!” Paul said to William as he placed the flowers on the table beside his bed and leaned over to give him a kiss.

 

“Yeah, what’s so happy about it?” William said bitterly as he jerked away from Paul.

 

“I guess Sheryl was right. What’s going on Will?” Paul asked looking at William’s back, as he was curled away from him.

 

“What’s going on is you bugging me! What do you want anyway?!” William shot back.

 

“I just want to be here with you,” Paul said.

 

“Well maybe I don’t want you here with me,” he said sourly.

 

“Is that the way you really feel?” Paul asked his lover sadly.

 

“You still here? Less talking, more leaving,” William said stomping all over Paul’s feelings. Without a word Paul got up and left the room. The tears forming in his eyes made it difficult for him to tell where he was going and he turned into the first open doorway he could see and sat down as soon as he found a chair.

 

“Something wrong there, sonny?” A voice asked.

 

“Naw I just like creating a lake every once in a while,” Paul said sarcastically. He heard a soft deep chuckle.

 

“So who got you all worked up?” The man asked him. Paul wiped his eyes and looked up to see who was talking to him. As his vision cleared he realized he had wondered into the chapel and that there was a rather big boned Father with glasses looking down at him.

 

“My boyfriend,” Paul told him while sniffling. “I’ve been working as hard as I can to be here for him while he goes through his treatment. I try to take care of him and just be here with him and at the same time keep up with my school work just because he wouldn’t let me take some time off. Frankly it is draining me but I’m happy to do it for him. For some reason he just bit my head off today, not to mention a handful of other people before I got here.”

 

“Well, that was quite a mouthful,” he said with a slight Irish accent. “Now I’m no expert but maybe he feels like he is holding you back.”

 

“He isn’t….” Paul began but was silenced by the man’s raised hand.

 

“It only matters what he thinks he is doing. I see lots of people at their best and more often than not, their worst. Many people who are sick will push those they love away the most. It could be to protect them from feelings of guilt or to protect those they love from giving things up for them or maybe even being hurt more if they were to die,” he explained slowly.

 

“That is just ridiculous though, I would happily give up everything for him and I wouldn’t trade a second of time with him if it would take away all the pain of his death,” Paul said defensively.

 

“I know son. Right now though I’m sure he just feels he is doing what will be best for you and easiest for him. I can have a talk with him if you want,” he offered.

 

“Be my guest but I don’t think you will have much luck with him,” Paul stated.

 

“If it comes down to the luck of the Irish I think we’ll have a chance,” he said, winking at Paul. “Oh and I’m Father Morgan by the way.”

 

“Paul,” he told the man as they shook hands. “I hope you are right. His name is William and he is just down the hall.”

 

Father Morgan got up and headed down the hallway toward William’s room. It wasn’t hard for him to find the room that all the staff was avoiding. He found a young man lying on his side looking away from him as he entered the room.

 

“I suppose you are William, right? I’m Father Morgan,” he said.

 

“Do you also suppose I give a crap?” William said grumpily as the man came into view, moving around the foot of the bed.

 

“That is why I’m here William. You hurt your boyfriend’s feelings you know.” Father Morgan said.

 

“And?” Was William’s only reply.

 

“I’m pretty sure you don’t realize you are causing him more pain than you are saving him,” he told the young man.

 

“I think hurting him was the point,” William said to the Father.

 

“I don’t think so. I think you are afraid you are hindering his life and that if you die he will be hurt more than if you just pushed him away now.” Father Morgan paused waiting for William to speak but the only response was a single tear rolling down his face, so the father kept talking. “What you don’t realize is that he loves you so much, probably as much as you love him. You are trying to save his ideal life but what you don’t realize is that he doesn’t want a life without you. He wants every single second he can get with you.”

 

“I….” William started, but found he couldn’t speak. He had felt that he was making Paul’s life so hard. He took so much time out of his studies to take care of him and it was hard on him. William didn’t realize that his attempt to ease Paul’s workload was taking the only thing he wanted away. Again he had hurt the one he loved the most.

 

“You are not to blame,” Father Morgan said picking up on William’s guilt. “William, despite doing the wrong thing, you thought you were helping him, and you are certainly not to blame for your illness. Do you want me to send him in now?”

 

“Yes,” William said rolling onto his back revealing a soaked face, the effects of months of pent-up emotions. “Thanks Father.”

 

“No problem son,” he said as he stepped out into the hallway. Paul was waiting nearby and slowly walked over as the Father gestured him to enter the room. Seeing William’s face Paul rushed over to the bed and enveloped him in his arms.

 

“I’m sorry.” William managed to squeak out between sobs.

 

“I know,” Paul said, ending their conversation for the night.

 

With that everything between them returned to normal. Father Morgan continued to visit the two as often as he could, and the boys found they really enjoyed the man’s strange sense of humour. The following month was more and more difficult for William physically as the treatments took a greater toll on him. Despite that everything seemed to be going fairly well, and things between William and Paul could not have been any better.

 

One day in early April, Paul found himself grabbing at his phone vibrating in his pocket. He was in class with the only professor he dared not walk out on in the middle of class. The remaining ten minutes of class was almost more than Paul could bear as the worst case scenario ran though his head. When the class was finally over he ran out of the theatre and into a quieter adjacent corridor to listen to the message.

 

“Hi Paul, this is Dr. Evans. William isn’t doing so well. I think it would be best if you came in as soon as you can.” The call ended and Paul took off, white-faced, for the parking lot. Within twenty minutes he managed to make it to the hospital. It was a small miracle that he wasn’t pulled over as he sped through the streets. Dr. Evans was waiting for him outside of William’s room when he got there.

 

“I think he is near his limit. He is refusing his treatment and he looks as though he is about ready to give up,” Dr. Evans said. Paul didn’t stop to reply but just continued into the room. Inside he found Nurse Joyce trying to reason with William. When she noticed Paul she stood up and walked toward him.

 

“Hi baby,” she said using her usual greeting for him and William. “I just…I don’t…I….” She trailed off. Paul was shocked; he had never seen her look like this before. Joyce almost looked… defeated. Her eyes fell to the floor and she walked past Paul and out of the room. Paul moved up beside the bed and looked down at his heart and soul.

 

“Paul. Paul, I just, I can’t take it anymore. It just hurts too much,” William said struggling to find the right words. Paul’s heart practically broke in two at that moment.

 

“Yes you can William; you can’t give up now, not after everything you’ve gone through,” Paul told him.

 

“No I can’t, it is just too much, and I can’t do this,” William said sadly.

 

“Look at me…Look at me Will! We can do this, together you and I can make it through this,” Paul said finally getting his attention.

 

“Don’t you see this is hurting me? It is more pain than I can take. Why can’t you just let me go?” William asked almost pleadingly.

 

“No Will, don’t speak like that. It is only a few more days; I know you can do it.” Paul reassured.

 

“I’m going to be sick. Paul, help me get up,” William said. Paul helped him get out of bed and over to the bathroom. At the door however William placed his hand on Paul’s chest to stop him and he closed the door. As strange as it was to Paul he waited patiently. Standing outside the bathroom door Paul heard a strange rattling sound. Paul was vaguely reminded of the sound he heard every time he downed a box of Smarties.

 

“Oh no!” Paul shouted as he tried to open the door. “William, Will, open the door!” When there was no reply he took a step back and heaved all his weight into the door. It took three attempts but he finally made it into the bathroom. He couldn’t believe what he saw. William was sprawled on the floor staring at the ceiling surrounded by several pills and an empty bottle.

 

Acting quickly, Paul pulled his limp body up and bent him over the toilet. Reaching two fingers into the back of William’s throat made him throw up and Paul did it over and over until there was nothing left in his stomach to come out. Turning their bodies around Paul leaned forward to put their foreheads together making William meet his scared eyes.

 

“Baby, I love you and I know you can do this. You mean everything to me and I want you to just do this for me. I don’t know what I would do without you. Can you please just try, for me?” Paul begged him, tears streaking down his face and falling onto his shirt. William looked pretty groggy and unconvinced by what Paul was saying.

 

“Will you stay with me?” William eventually asked.

 

“Forever,” Paul said honestly, his panic subsiding slightly.

 

“OK, let’s do this,” he said holding out his hands for Paul to help him up. After getting William back into bed, despite being sure he was not in any danger Paul called Dr. Turell. He would at least be discrete about having to pump William’s stomach, which later turned out to be unnecessary when the naso-gastric tube returned no additional pills.

 

Several hours later Dr. Evans returned with Nurse Joyce. They looked at the pair apprehensively, William between Paul’s legs, leaning back onto his chest in the bed.

 

“We are ready,” Paul said simply. Dr. Evans paused and stared at him for a moment before nodding. He added the drugs to William’s IV, placed the call bell near Paul in case they needed it and left so they could have some privacy. William just lay there letting the drugs flow into his system as Paul slowly stroked his hair.

 

The two of them stayed like that for almost three days, only moving to have a drink of water, eat some jello or walk to the bathroom together. Paul returned to classes the following week but was only away as long as he needed to be. A week after William’s last treatment they finally got the news they were waiting for.

 

The boys made their way down to Dr. Evans’s office. Paul’s arm was around William’s waist, holding him tight, as William gripped his IV pole with one hand, and Paul’s shoulder with the other. The office was small but warm in decor. Paul was forced to release William so they could sit in adjacent chairs, but quickly snatched up William’s hand and held it in his lap.

 

“It looks like the tumour has shrunk enough so that it can be removed. There is still one vessel that is close to the mass but the surgeon believes he can still get it out safely,” Dr. Evans said enthusiastically. Paul and William embracedeach other somewhat awkwardly from separate chairs. Their eyes brimmed with tears as their faces morphed to a collage of happiness and relief. Dr. Evans just watched on in silence, a small smile on his face.

 

William was scheduled for surgery one week later and he all but kicked Paul out of the hospital room so he could study for his finals. On the day of the surgery though, he was there sitting on Will’s bed waiting until they came for him when Mr. Davis walked into the room. He stood as far away from them as he could and stared at Paul out of the corner of his eye. Taking the hint, Paul gave William’s hand a squeeze before stepping out into the hallway.

 

Through the window in the door Paul could see the two of them talking. At first it seemed awkward but he could soon see them talking fairly comfortably. Before too long he saw the two of them actually hug and he couldn’t help but smile broadly. Mr. Davis then came out of the room and walked up to him just as Mrs. Davis came around the corner.

 

“I guess you are still a good guy,” he said holding out his hand once again. Slightly stunned Paul shook his hand. Before he had even dropped his hand Mrs. Davis was at his side and wrapping him in a tight hug after which she dragged him back into Will’s room followed by Mr. Davis.

 

A nurse came shortly after and wheeled William out of the room and off to the operating room. Paul found himself waiting along with Will’s parents. Several hours into the surgery Father Morgan showed up with several cups of coffee, which he passed out before silently joining them.

 

“Four cups… You called his parents didn’t you?” Paul whispered to the Father.

 

“I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean,” he replied while giving him a wink. It was at least another hour before a nurse came to bring them to the recovery room.

 

“Love,” William said to Paul as his eyes started to open. Both of his parents turned to each other and a look passed between them but they said nothing. “OK now. Home… your test. Go.”

 

“Fine, you win,” Paul said gently. He leaned in and kissed him on the forehead before taking his leave from the group.

 

Walking the stage at his graduation wasn’t quite what he wanted it to be, but it was still exciting none the less. After the ceremony it took him about half an hour to get away from his parents so he could drive over to the hospital and meet up with William to hear the pathology report.

 

Things seemed busy at the hospital and Paul had to park in the lot outside the emergency room. As he passed the ER admitting desk he saw Tim talking to a nurse and paused until he finished.

 

“Hey Paul, how are you?” Tim asked.

 

“Pretty good thanks. Seems busy,” Paul stated, looking around.

 

“Yeah we received a couple of gun shot victims. Some sort of gang war or something,” Tim told him looking off toward one of the trauma rooms. “Anyway I better get back, it was nice seeing you.”

 

“You too,” Paul said to him before heading off.

 

Both William and Dr. Evans were waiting for him in the Chief Resident’s office when he got there. He entered and sat down next to Will.

 

“Ok, according to the pathology report it looks like the margins were clear and there has been no infiltration into the circulatory system.” Dr. Evans paused for a moment to let that set in. “It looks like you are in the clear William.” He finished smiling.

 

All of them broke out into big smiles as William and Paul jumped up and straight into a tight hug. Dr. Evans found himself being pulled into a three way hug a moment later.

 

With the good news, William and Paul happily packed up their collection of items from their stay. Before leaving the floor, they stopped by the chapel to see Father Morgan. Then the two of them, hand in hand, rode the elevator to the first floor and started walking through the still packed emergency room. They turned the corner past the admissions desk and headed for the doors to the parking lot.

 

BANG! BANG!

 

Screams erupted from patients in the waiting room. Various voices could be heard yelling from the back. They heard someone call for security and the thundering of people running for cover but everything happened too quickly to think. By the time they had turned to see what had happened, there was a figure wearing a brightly coloured arm band running toward them.

 

BANG! BANG!

 

The lights above shattered sending out a blinding flash, as glass rained down behind them followed by a loud ringing sound overpowering the chaos of the room. Before they could so much as twitch a muscle, the figure had run past them and through the doors into the parking lot.

 

William stared forward in shock as he tried to absorb the situation and realized the figure was just a kid. Then he saw something move in the corner of his eye and felt a pull on his arm. He turned to see Paul falling to the ground.

 

“Paul!” He screamed, or at least he thought he did, he couldn’t hear it for some reason. William dropped to his knees grabbing Paul by the arms and pulling him onto his thighs. Bending his head over his lover’s stunned face he could see a small black hole going through the side of his neck.

 

“William?” Paul asked silently as blood started pouring out of the hole.

 

“No! Paul! Come on, stay with me!” William yelled as he applied pressure to the wound.

 

“It doesn’t even hurt,” Paul mouthed.

 

“That’s good baby. Now stay with me!” William said as loudly as he could.

 

“I love you William,” Paul said quietly. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too Paul,” William said as his lover’s eyes glazed over. “No, don’t go Paul! Stay with me! Come on!”

 

William broke down sobbing harder than he had in the last six months combined and his vision started to blur as the chaos continued to rage around him.

 

*          *          *

 

Shifting back to the present, William realized that the ceremony was finished. Several people walked up to the casket to place a flower on it and then disappeared amongst the surrounding graves. He would have cried if there was anything left, if he hadn’t already died inside from the grief that had consumed him.

 

Standing next to William was his mother, his father on her other side, arm around her shoulders. A few of Will’s friends from school were standing behind them including Tim and Ming. On the other side of the casket were Paul’s parents, his little brother and several other family members some of which William recognized, and many he didn’t.

 

He had already spent time grieving with them, now it just hurt too much to spend anymore with them. They finished their last goodbyes and joined the crowds departing the graveside. Tim and Ming left right after, holding hands. William was not sure when they’d become a couple, but at least they had each other to console.

 

Before long William found himself being lead away and allowed it to happen. After a short ride he found himself at his parent’s home. It wasn’t his home anymore, his home was the one he had made with Paul, but even that wasn’t there anymore. William became homeless the minute Paul left this world.

 

Things moved slowly for him. It took a little over a week to wrap up Paul’s affairs. Selling their place and all the furniture and books that he had nothing to do with now took time. Also settling the debt that they had accumulated from school took some paperwork. Of course that was settled thanks to Paul.

 

Sometime after his lover’s diagnosis he took out a life insurance policy and made a will that stated William would get half the benefits, with the other half of the money going to Paul’s parents and brother naturally. During this time William spent several awkward moments talking with his parents that always seemed to follow the same pattern.

 

“Are you okay William?” His mom would ask.

 

“Of course not,” would be the reply, “I’m alone now.”

 

“Well maybe someday you will fall in love with another boy,” his dad would state, not realizing how unhelpful that was.

 

“No, I don’t think I will ever love another boy,” was all he could muster.

 

“A girl then maybe?” Mom would ask hopefully. William was amazed that after all this she was still hoping he would give her grandchildren.

 

“Yeah, maybe a girl would be good for you,” came another unhelpful addition from his father. His face was full of hope that perhaps he would go straight after this.

 

William didn’t realize that there was such a thing as a ‘straight gun’. Before Paul he would have gladly taken a bullet from such a gun, and now he wished he could have taken the bullet that day instead of his lover.

 

William was so relieved when he finally finished tying up all the loose ends. It was so hard for him to deal with these things after what had happened. Stretching at the desk in his childhood room William realized there were a few pieces of mail he forgot to open. Grabbing the letter opener he slit them open before slipping the blade safely away in his pocket.

 

“Junk…Bill…Junk.” William read off as he looked at the various papers. He put the bill in a folder with the rest of the bills. Standing up he surveyed all the paperwork. The will, the cheques to be mailed off, and the letters that he had written with the names of their recipients scrawled across the front of each envelope. It looked as though everything was in order.

 

He crossed the hallway to the bathroom and splashed some water over his face. A small amount of sweat had covered his forehead as the spring sun heated the house. He knew it would still be a few hours before his parents came home, not that it mattered much.

 

Pausing for a moment he watched the cool water drip off his face. Strange how he could barely even feel it, he couldn’t feel much of anything anymore. Paul had once saved him in his greatest moment of despair. He made him realize that no matter what happened there was something to push on for... him. It saved William then but without Paul, well…Turning away from the mirror he closed the door and reached into his pocket.

 

William barely even felt anything as it slid across his wrist. The second was slightly harder as he had to use his other arm. His heart started pounding, but all the pain drained away to his wrists, which was practically nothing compared to what it was before.

 

The letter opener dropped to the floor with a loud clang and William almost fell as his head started to swim. Stepping into the tub, he slid down the wall to the floor. It would have been a shame if he got blood all over his mother’s favourite white mats.

 

As the blood slowly streamed along the bottom of the tub and started to drip down into the drain William started to get tired. Closing his eyes he saw the image of his love, his Paul. Since that day he was all that William saw every time he closed his eyes. William had fought through the pain before when Paul promised to stay with him forever, but without him it was too much. He just was not strong enough on his own.

 

“I’m coming Paul,” he whispered into the darkness as it overtook him. “I love….”

 

_____________________________________________

 

The author does not, nor would he ever suggest that suicide is the right answer. If you find yourself thinking about hurting yourself, please seek help!

 

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Rewrite © 2010 Myk

Thank you to Cia, who’s hard editing and beta work has helped improve the reworked version of this story. I would not be able to bring you this story as it is now without her help.

 

© 2008 Myk

Special thanks to sat8997 and darkfoxprime for editing, I couldn’t have done this without their help. Any remaining errors are solely my responsibility.

 

I’d also like to thank C James, Graeme, Steph and anyone I have failed to mention for their contributions to making this anthology possible.

 

All comments and criticisms are very welcome.

 

 

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