Resolution-14 - 1. Story

The crisp leaves from the morning dew compact as I tread on towards my goal. Breathing the fresh air and watching it return to the world in hazy rolls as I exhale. I glance up seeing the hawk feeling the air above with feathered fingers. I pause to take in the moment. It belongs to just him and me right now. He sees me and I see him. I wonder if he sees beauty in me as I do in him.

It's the only way I could be seen as such. Onward, head bowed now studying the path that lies ahead. I take it with me as I walk. The silence in my head.

Fittingly, I walk this desolate beauty alone. It makes me wonder which is worse, isolation with great beauty or being in a crowd and having no one to share it with. I've come too close to risk bringing it into the light. I can't risk letting them find out. God I could imagine grandma if she knew. She never really liked me as much as the other grandkids anyways. But Mom and Dad, . . . God that would just suck so bad. I couldn't bear it. Tears trickled down his cheeks. "No more tears!" I said out loud to no one before retreating to my solitude.

All too often I've stood, looking in the mirror wondering how I could have gone so wrong. Of all the kids in my school why am I the only one? Did I miss some instruction someplace? The magic words to turn it off? Fuck! Only fourteen and it takes over my body. Once I start the feeling I can't stop it. It's only getting worse too. God if Jeremy knew what I was thinking every time I saw him.

Look at me, I'm pathetic. Like it even matters. No difference. Blame is unimportant.

Did I try everything? I must have missed something. Obviously, duh. I'm the only one that's different. I prayed. I prayed like mad but no salvation. There is no God. No God would do this to me. And this is even too fucked up for cosmic amusement.

Focus on the trees, the beauty of this mountain; the view at the top will be spectacular. I wonder if I will make it that far.

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"Hi Mrs Wagner, is Martin here?"

"Jeremy! He said he was taking you to the mountains for a camp out."

"No, ma'am, we had talked about it but there is a storm supposed to hit tonight. It'll be rain down here but a blizzard up there. When did he leave?"

"Yesterday morning. You mean he wasn't with you?"

"No ma'am. Did he have his gear with him?"

"He had it in the garage all set up. He said you guys would stop back and pick it up." She opened the door for Jeremy and together they went to the garage. His pack and supplies were sitting there. Jeremy picked up his down coat from the top of his pack. A letter fell out. A letter to Jeremy.

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So close to resolution and still fighting the question. I wonder if Jeremy knows yet. I'll bet he hates me. It's honorable though, right? Who was it that said you can live through anything if you can see the end of it?

Stopping I took in the view below. There's no going back now even if I wanted to. I'm almost two days out and that storm is just hours away.

A gentle smile crept over his face and was washed away by gentle tears.

They say it's painless; the cold. You just go to sleep.