Ties That Bind - Prologue. Prologue

Ties That Bind

1. Prologue

JOSH

I couldn’t help it. The look on your face was priceless, and my answering grin the product of many diverse thoughts poorly captured through that simple smile. I knew you too well, too well to avoid seeing the swirling trains of thought flashing across your face. Deciphering them had become a hobby, and then through the subtle mutations only time and growing love can bring, it had become my passion, a solace to a soul that needed contact as much as fearing it.

I saw your face drop, misreading my expression for something harsher. I could not blame you, for I was aware of how I kept my true emotions hidden, safe from the unwary who may not be prepared for what they stumbled upon. It struck me again how much of a disservice I had done to you in the guise of protecting you. The question came, as it had with increasing urgency in those days.

Who was I really protecting here, you or me?

There was no good answer to be found.

I had fought it so hard and for so long, trying to keep a distance, and keep you from getting too close. I had failed, and now I had to admit what I had known for some time; I was in love, hopelessly lost. Anxiety filled me then, only barely contained.

“I see you’re still keen.” I let my voice assume a wry sexiness I knew would put you at ease though it cost me dear. “At least judging by the bulge in your jeans anyway. Are you sure you still want to try this Col? We might not be the same afterwards.”

Your answering smile and fervent nod made me chuckle in spite of myself. The sense of mirth was tempered though, because I also saw other things whether I wanted to or not. A note of fear, and not that frission of eroticism that comes with contemplation of an unknown but safe experiment in controlled abandon. I sensed a genuine fear, a fear not only of me, but even more significant, a fear for me. I had ignored it too long. Now it was time to make the choice, and in doing so to choose to be vulnerable again when every fibre of my being was screaming an alarm, and also by extension to take a chance on hurting you. Would you run, or maybe more frightening, would you stay? I hoped I would be strong enough to find out, because I realised I needed you even if it meant losing you.

“Come to the bedroom Col.” A soft command.

“What about, the, um, ropes Josh? What do we use?” Your determined uncertainty made me ache.

“I will need no ropes to bind you as I have said before, Col. And I always mean what I say.”

“Then what will you use?”

A wicked grin. “You will see.” I took your hand and led you in. It was time.

“Close your eyes, and keep them closed.”

I reached for you and undressed you slowly, with an unhurried pace, the light summer breeze blowing through the window made your skin adjust to your nakedness with barely a shiver. As I peeled off each item I took the opportunity to kiss each new piece of exposed skin. The crook of your neck, the swell of your biceps, the sweet outline of your nipples, a bead of salty sweat an added bonus for my senses. Then down further the graceful line of your flanks, your musky scrotum, the dusting of hair on your thighs, the painful hardness of your cock. My hunger grew with each new part my eyes and lips feasted upon.

I took a moment then to drink you in; you were made to be savoured. A cascade of details filled my senses in this one glance; for the first time I allowed myself to see and feel them all, defenceless.

I saw all the usual things. Your lithe frame, the way the light caught your hair, your unique scent, the slight tremble in your limbs and the uncertain bobbing of your throat that betrayed anxiety and excitement in equal measure. The look of joy and love in your face.

The sounds you made teased me, all proof of your need and the effect I was having on you. You drove me to distraction as you had many times before, and I loved hearing each new sound as I touched a different part of your body. You had a groan for when I tongued your neck, a sigh for your arms, a hiss for your nipples and a beautiful shuddering cry for your cock. I was determined to learn all the sounds of your body, and learn them well.

There were the other things I saw too, deeper but just as real. Your strength, your patience, your innate kindness, your capacity for love, your willingness to take risks. All of them were fighting for supremacy with your uncertainties, your fears, the knowledge of your mistakes, and the memory of past wounds. The minor imperfections and major disappointments made you feel unlovable even in the face of everything else. Often I had been a frightened spectator to that battle, unwilling or unable to do more than cheer from the sidelines for fear of my own inadequacies in that fight. Not anymore, no, not anymore. As before, when I had watched you sleep while safely camouflaged by the night I allowed my feelings to reach my eyes.

This time would be different. This time there would be no blessed darkness to hide behind.

I drew you to the bed, and lay you gently down on your back. At a whispered command, you stretched out and grasped the headboard as I parted your legs, a soft caress bringing your obedience as it elicited another moan from your lips.

“Open your eyes and look at me.”

You obeyed instantly, I noted with an inward grin. I fixed your gaze with mine as I saw your worry build.

“What do you see?”

“Why . . . what are you feeling Josh? Is something wrong?”

“No Col. Everything is good. I’m not hiding anymore – you deserve to see it all. What you see is the truth I see in you, and how much it means to me. How much I love your faults, few though they are, because your faults make you human and I love your humanity. How much I love your fears, because your fears make you vulnerable, and I love your vulnerability. How much I love even your pain, even though it still hurts you, because your past made you who you are today, and I love that man unconditionally.

”You deserve to also see my fear , the part of me that believes I am no good for you. I have tried concealing it, but the walls are all down now. It doesn’t matter anymore. And now it’s my turn to get naked.” I smirked ironically to lighten the mood and remind you that this was also fun, the most fun I had ever had, and I hoped it would be the same for you. A sudden laugh came from you, welcome in the silence. Your expression was eloquent, the dawning of realisation and hope in your eyes. The fact that you still gripped the headboard, the game still remembered after all, also made my smile wider. That would be useful for what was next.

I stood off to the side and slowly stripped; my show for you alone. I watched your eyes scan my body, the hunger there making me even harder than before. Finally I stood still, naked and yours. My cock bobbing in the air, twitching to the rhythm of my heartbeat, told you what you needed to know.

“Like what you see?” I asked, half mockingly, half needy as you gulped a startled yes. “Then keep holding that position or I get dressed again and leave. Remember this is an act of submission as well as love.” My smile made you half wonder if I was joking, but your uncertainty was enough that you decided to watch me closely and tighten your grip just in case. The game continued, as your pulse visible in your neck started to race in anticipation.

Coming closer, I climbed onto the bed, lying against your soft skin, an electric feel from that first contact. First a kiss, a brush of your lips, then a deep, needful devouring followed that left you gasping for air. The taste of your mouth was slightly sweet, a mix of mint and an unidentifiable something that just tasted simply of you. Reaching for your neglected cock, I teased you with my fingertips, from the swollen tip to your downy balls and back.

The soft head, swollen impossibly , the slickness of precum slowly leaking from the tip, the steel hardness of your shaft, and the heavy feel of your balls, I took it all in and didn’t even realise I had held my breath until a ragged gasp left my lips when I felt the soft hairs on your scrotum. You felt so hot to the touch; I thought you could burn.

Overwhelmed by the smell of your body, I started licking at your neck, and bit down gently, marking you for me. Then, cruelly, I stroked your outstretched arms, curling down to savour the feel of the coarse hairs of your pits, almost begging you to release your grip. I have you now though, and you would sooner stop breathing than chance an end.

Finally I concentrated in earnest on your cock, the salty tang of your excitement driving me to forget all reason as I sought to devour you, relishing the feel of your smooth head on my lips, then your ridged shaft as I took you deeper and deeper while I caressed your balls, now soft, now harder as they yielded to my touch. I brought you repeatedly to the edge then, sensing your impending ecstasy, cruelly backed off to leave you gasping and crying, only to bring you there again, and again, and again.

I had forgotten how beautiful your body could be, a perfect instrument for me to play. The uncontrolled spasms in your muscles as you fought to release, the curl of your feet, the cries, the twitch of taut muscles on your belly, the exposed line of your neck as you arched your back in vain hope of an end all burned themselves anew on my memory, sweet delights to remember. Most of all there was the taste of your excitement on my lips and feel of your swollen cock in my mouth when, finally giving in to your pleas, I took you in mouth again and drove you anew to the edge.

It was not yet time to let you fall though. There was one thing left to do.

Crawling over your quivering sweat covered body I revelled in the feel of you against me, and ground my erection and yours together as I kissed you with passion unfettered by fear. Moving up to straddle your hips, and ignoring your unspoken question, I slid your hard shaft against my crack, a shudder contorting my body as I contemplated the next move. It would be my first time this way, a gift to us both, and a final act of sharing long overdue. You started to ask a question, concern in your eyes, but I silenced you with a finger against your lips.

I didn’t want it to be easy or gentle. I needed to feel this. I wanted to feel this, a penance for past transgressions, redeemed by love. Your excitement would be all the preparation I needed, or would receive. Staring into your eyes, I brought the swollen tip to me, and took you in to the hilt in one move.

A cry escaped me, involuntary, urgent, as my fists clench against your chest, my head fallen back, a startled cry now directed at the ceiling matched by your own cry as you felt yourself inside me for the first time. As prepared as I had thought I was, nothing had prepared me for this. I fought through the pain, starting to move slowly in a long sliding caress, and as I stared into your blue eyes with my sea grey ones we started to make love in earnest, my soul open to yours at last, a sense of sweet fullness making the pain easier to bear.

I reached back to cup your swollen balls, stroking you, squeezing gently on you as I rode you now hard, now slow, now deep. Finally I found the right angle and gasped in shock as for the first time I felt your cock slide against my prostate. Driving down onto you faster I finally took my own pleasure from you, the feel of you head driving against me there like nothing I could have imagined. I felt filled, and alive like never before, as a totally new pleasure invaded my body in waves that threatened to overwhelm me.

As I felt you throb inside me, my own excitement also reaching its peak, I knew it was time. Fixing your eyes with mine, I watched your face as you climaxed, your cry coming from deep inside, a fleeting warning before I feel it inside me for real, the sensation new and yet familiar – a pleasure shared and magnified in the sharing. My control failed, and a new cry joined yours as it hit me , a deep shuddering build and a sudden release, so sudden that It took me a moment to register that the new cry was mine, and I lost my body to the explosion of pleasure you gave me, thrusting back to meet me as you took control of me at last.

Face now filled with a mix of emotions, I looked down on you unheeding of the consequences, joy and fear, opposite sides of the same coin now both playing there for you to see. My grey eyes I knew from experience shining now with a green/blue tinge, a change that always fascinated you before, but now made you cry in joy recognising anew an important truth – we rarely survive the act of love unscathed or unchanged.

Regaining your bearings, you looked up to see me grinning into your face, that familiar lopsided grin now tempered by new feelings and new cares. “You can let go of the headboard now,” I said, a chuckle in my voice. You obeyed with a meek smile, my point proven, at least for today.

“I told you I would need no rope to bind you. I have this instead.” Reaching down, I kissed you slowly and tenderly, an unhurried moment of intimacy. “Love and trust are stronger bonds than any piece of fabric. And my soul knows how to bind yours, as yours now knows how to bind mine.”

I left my position astride you then, and rolled next to you, and took you in my arms, holding you against my chest, feeling the emptiness that came from having had you inside me and now feeling you no longer there. The hardest part was yet to come, but I had the strength now; more importantly, I had something to fight for. It was more than enough.

“I love you, and I hope you know that now. You are like my beacon, standing on the shore, ready to call me home if I stray too far out to sea. That is important to me, more important than you know. I know I haven’t told you much about me, about my past. I would like to though, if you want me to. I am ready to let you in even though that scares me so much. You deserve the best of me, though it comes with the worst of me too. I am ready to take a chance on you loving me even when you know everything”

I saw your concern, but more, I saw those familiar things, your patience, your kindness, your capacity for love. I knew the choice was right. I also saw your own hesitation, knowing what it meant. I knew you had your own demons, well hidden from me but there nonetheless. Then I saw your face harden in resolve and knew my joking warning was correct after all; we were not the same as we were before, but that would be all right. Somehow everything would be all right now.

Hesitantly we started to speak, and a new more uncertain but hopefully more fulfilling future began. How we came here, and what followed are for another time, but here is where it truly began for me in some ways; where all was still possible, and the World seemed both more and less terrifying.