Hi wonderful people.
Well the long fight continues. I can sort of walk, its hard but a major thing. I would dance but that is even more embarassing than normal.
Its been a weird week in some ways, i've wanted to come on here and say hello but everytime I did I didnt know what to say. Life is full of swings and roundabouts at the moment. On the one hand every day a few things get a little easier. On the other, there is the growing realisation that some things will never be the same again. The frustration and anger gets the better of me and then I see the concern and pain in Daz's eyes. I hate that look, oh God it breaks me some times. We are still negotiating what this is, and its hard. I am used to being the strong one, no ones burden, and I hate being weak and vulnerable. Most of all I hate the thought of what could happen to him if things go badly. But I fight too because I have someone to fight for. That is new for me too - and on balance thats pretty great. I always thought that I was worth nothing, to anyone. I dont feel that way anymore. Its scary but also amazing.
The thing that always catches me in this thread though is how many of you are the people that I have connected with since I have been here. Cassie was I think the first person ever to send me a message on GA way back when I first joined and has been a source of love ever since. Bee and Mark were the first two I ever skyped with and have been there through so much. Wayne has been a solid bulwark from the beginning, Joe like a loving uncle, Tim in my corner and my heart from very early on, Lily a fellow Melbournian sharing all her love from a distance, and more recently Yettie the exiled son of Africa , KC, Breeze. Ive been lucky to share your struggles and your triumphs over the months.
That is the part that makes it hard sometimes for me to know what to say, because you matter so much to me. When you are down or things are tough, I mostly just want to reach out and tell you it will all be ok. Some of you I get the chance to do that with in chat or skype, but this is also a great place for it and I know I really want to but somehow the words come reluctantly en masse.
If I try hard to sum up what I feel though it is to tell you all that while in this thread, I see you all at times share your fears, doubts, pain, that is not who you are to me. For me you are first and foremost the people who have shown me in so many ways how to be strong, how to have courage, how to care. You give me a gift every day, the knowledge that I am not alone, and hope and strength to carry on. Thats not nothing.
I have a lot of love to give and its always there for you all, when things are bad or good. And I hope Yettie you dont censor or hold back. Thats not what this thread is for, this is the place to let it out. I love hearing your thoughts, they are part of that gift. When you face anything be it uncertainty and pain or great happiness, I want to be there by your side if you will let me just as you have been for me.
Roan
