Jeremy's Redemption - 1. Chapter 1

It was a muggy, swelteringly hot day and although it had just begun, he was ready for it to be over. There was great activity about, as people drove their kids to school, and those kids made their way to various entrances of the huge and forbidding building that was this special school of his. It was neither impressive in age nor structure, but rather because of the sheer size of it.

“Don’t skip any more classes, young man. You hear me?” Lucy’s voice came back to him. Her delicate face looked pretty even in anger, but her blue eyes had glittered forebodingly.

Making his way across the parking lot, Jeremy pulled open the front doors and entered the wonderfully designed front foyer of his damnably annoying high-school. A few people smiled at him and waved. He nodded back but didn’t speak to anyone. He was annoyed. The school-year was almost over but the last few weeks had seemed take an agonizingly slow amount of time to end. To top it off, he’d bashed his car in a few weeks ago so he now had to endure being driven to school by Lucy unless she happened to be working from home one day. This meant he couldn’t come and go like he pleased and he knew that made Lucy entirely too satisfied.

He arrived at his locker and opened it, grabbing his various textbooks and shoving them into his backpack so he could return them to the office later. Just one more day. One more stinking day of school and then he had the summer. To do what, though?

Jeremy frowned when he felt a tap on his shoulder. “What?” He said in quiet voice, not turning.

“Ease up, sugar.” Jennifer Dempster’s voice came from over his shoulder. He barely knew the girl but she liked to occasionally attach herself to his arm.

Jeremy forced a smile, the one he was used to pasting on, and turned around to face the petite red-head. She flashed him a sultry smile and curled a finger around his backpack strap. “What are you up to this summer?” She asked. Nice mouth, full and wide. Nice breasts too. Not too big, not too small. Just how he liked ‘em.

Jeremy forced his gaze up and shrugged. “Nothing much. Just going to hang out with friends, party, you know the deal,” He said. He wasn’t feeling it for once. Usually he had a great talent for forcing false cheer and happiness, unless he was around his few good friends—then it was usually real.

Jennifer grinned wider. “We should so hang out.” She suggested in her cutesy voice, then added , “I’m surprised you managed to pass all your courses. You rarely go to class.” She reminded him of bubble-gum and rainbows. It made him slightly nostalgic.

“Yeah, we should hang out,” He said, lying through his teeth. He didn’t know why but lately it was getting a bit taxing putting on the happy-go-lucky, confident front. Maybe he needed to get laid.

Jennifer leaned up on her tippy-toes and kissed his cheek. He didn’t like short girls, they made him feel large and bulky and he worried he’d hurt them somehow. Short guys…hmm he wasn’t a big fan but they didn’t make him feel as though he was going to snap them. Nonetheless he endured the lingering lips against his skin and waited for her to retreat. She did so moments later and Jeremy flashed a grin. “Gotta go,” He said and left her standing there.

Jeremy spent the school-day in a bit of a blind daze. He smiled at people around him because they liked to consult with him, liked to speak with him and joke around. They felt like he was a part of their groups but Jeremy never felt like he belonged. He played the game well, put up a great charade but really he was just a recluse that no one really knew and no one would like if they knew.

He attended all his classes for once. His teachers all exclaimed joyously when they noticed his presence. He wondered why. He hadn’t done anything productive so why should they give a crap about him. It eluded him but he accepted it with good-natured joking because that’s what you did when people were nice to you. You didn’t look at them and ask them why the hell they cared; you just smiled and said okay.

By the time the day was over, he was exhausted from the effort of being around people. He didn’t like it. He’d perfected his ability to be around people without letting all the crap that was shoved in his damned mind—to the very back of it—drip out like some uncontrollable chemical leak. It would probably explode upon contact with something animate. So to find that the ease with which he conducted himself socially seemed to be suffering was frustrating. He waved the last hand and said the last goodbye. He was itting in his car with relish as he thought, ‘Later, people. Hope I never see you again.’

When he arrived home, he tried to be quiet, but of course Lucy heard the front door. “How was your day?” She asked. Standing in the doorway, she looked neat as ever in tan slacks and a powder blue sweater-set. Her blonde hair was swept off her face and she appeared about ten years younger than her solid forty-five.

Jeremy tried not to shuffle his feet. It was a bad habit from his childhood. Anytime he got caught doing something bad, his foster-parents at the time looked so menacing he’d feel his lips trembling and his feet shuffling guiltily. “It was alright.” Jeremy shrugged. He tried a smile. “Something smells good, what did you cook?” He felt a little awkward standing in the doorway so he moved forward and slipped off his backpack, easing past her into the kitchen.

He could feel Lucy’s all-knowing gaze on him. She eventually sighed. “I made pasta.”

“I’ll go change and then I’ll finish it all off for you.” He grinned. “You eat like a rabbit.”

Lucy’s lips softened. He knew she worried about him. so he tried hard to appear normal and happy, not wanting her to know what kind of a mess he really was. But she knew of course. Similarly, she knew about the pot, the girls—and boys for that matter—along with the partying plus drinking too. Of course she knew, she wasn’t stupid, but when he was stiff around her, that hurt her the most.

He’d gotten used to reading people’s emotions over the years, used to adjusting himself to fit other people around him. He’d grown up a little too fast for his sixteen years, he acknowledged slightly bitterly.

“I have to go finish something up, but I’ll talk to you later, Jeremy.” She said, polite as ever. Her hand rested on his arm for a moment. She looked like she wanted to say something else but then she stepped away and Jeremy released his breath.

After changing his clothes, he shoveled down pasta with relish. He’d not realized how starved he was until then, and it was only when he’d finished three entire platefuls that he got up and washed up after himself.

Before heading out onto the front porch, he peered in on Lucy in her study but she was oblivious to him. She sat leafing through some documents and was entirely focused. So he left her alone and instead walked barefoot onto the porch. Sitting on the steps, he enjoyed the cool breeze and the brilliant, lazy colours of the sunset melting into one another.

The Johnsons’ across the street were cleaning their car. Their two twin boys were playing on the driveway while their mother and father were preoccupied. One of them—Cane, he thought—saw him and waved. Frank, the other, stopped to see what his brother was looking at, saw him and flashed him a dimpled smile before he too waved enthusiastically. Jeremy felt a smile worm across his face and he waved back at the two. They giggled and returned to their previous engagement. He could hear the soft hum of their movements.

They were happy children, Jeremy thought idly. Hopefully they stayed that way. He hated seeing parents that were incapable of raising their children properly. Why the hell have them if you can’t even smile at them occasionally? Maybe he was just a little oversensitive about issues like that because of his own experiences in the system.

He sat there for several minutes before his phone vibrated. Jeremy sighed and took it out, peering briefly at the screen. Kyle. He grimaced and placed it beside him on the steps, letting it vibrate. He didn’t want to talk to Kyle—his best friend—right now.

It wouldn’t stop vibrating. He picked it up again and considered answering it before he frowned and dropped it again. No, he didn’t want to talk to him at all right now. This time it was a definitive no. Although Kyle’s happiness was what he wanted, lately he’d been feeling numb anytime he saw Kyle and Ryan together, or just when he talked to Kyle. Hadn’t he been so proud of his untarnished, pure love for Kyle? Well, it wasthat still, he accepted, it just wasn’t selfless.

He felt damned sorry for himself because he was no longer the closest person to Kyle. That didn’t make his happiness for Kyle any less; it just made his mind hurt. Kyle was beautiful, but Jeremy didn’t lust after him the way he could if he let himself, and that is what allowed his feelings to remain unpolluted.

“Kill me now,” He muttered before he finally reached across and picked the damned thing up.

“Kyle, sorry, I was a little busy,” He said into the phone in a clear voice.

A pause, then, “It’s fine. I just wanted to see how you were doing. Sweet summer time!” Kyle’s enthusiastic voice came across.

Jeremy smiled, although he let his gaze catch the dying sunset a little forlornly. “Yeah, I’ve been dying having to go to every class.”

“My parents are having a barbecue this weekend. You and Lucy have to come. My mother will call Lucy though, so don’t worry,” Kyle said in his particularly innocent way of speaking.

Jeremy didn’t want to go but knew that if Lucy was involved, no wasn’t an option. “Alright, well, I’m heading out,” He lied, “So I’ll catch you later, alright?”

“Later,” Kyle said before hanging up.

Jeremy sighed, disgusted with himself, before he threw his phone back down beside him again. He got up and walked barefoot across the perfectly mowed front yard. Sitting down, he stretched his legs out and enjoyed the cool grass against his toes.

“Jeremy!” An eager voice to his left exclaimed.

Jeremy turned his head lazily towards the familiar figure of Luca Kariokos, his next door neighbor, walking across his driveway to him. He, unlike Jeremy, wore shoes and a pair of shorts with a bright yellow t-shirt. It looked good against his delicate brown skin. He settled his—surprisingly not so gangly anymore—body directly in front of him so Jeremy was forced to look up.

“Sup, Luca?”

“Nothing much.” He said. It was the customary answer.

Jeremy often considered telling someone what was really ‘up’ when they asked him that. He felt his mouth turn up at the thought. The younger kid clearly thought the smile was for him and grinned back hugely. He passed it off as a case of misfired hero-worship.

“Man it’s hot, huh?” Luca said cheerfully. “Mind if I sit next to you?”

Jeremy shook his head. The kid plopped down without a second thought. “You look kind of intense,” Luca said then.

Jeremy wondered if the kid ever stopped talking. He kind of wanted to ease back inside now. Luca was alright but he was a little too enthusiastic and innocent for Jeremy’s liking.

Jeremy shrugged. “I’m alright,” He replied.

Luca brushed his dark hair—it was a little too long—off his face and stretched out his legs too. He laughed a second later. “It’s a little weird how you like sitting in your front yard this way.”

“It’s the first time I’ve done it, Luca,” Jeremy said patiently. “Anyway,” he stood, “I’m gonna head inside. You should go do some homework or something.” Then he remembered that school was over. Oh well. He’d tried to be subtle about the brush-off.

Luca stood too and Jeremy was a little taken aback. The kid had grown some since the last time he’d really taken a look. He was level with Jeremy’s nose now. “Holy, Luca, talk about a growth spurt.”

Luca grinned, seeming unperturbed by Jeremy’s reluctance to speak to him. “Aunt Maria says I look less like a bean pole now.” He shrugged. “I don’t think I’ll grow anymore.”

“You’ll grow,” Jeremy said. “You’re what, thirteen?”

Luca frowned, “I’m fifteen.” He insisted.

Jeremy felt his mouth turn up. “I’m sixteen, Luca, so I doubt you’re fifteen.” He’d lived with Lucy for what, two years now? “You’re fourteen.” He asserted, recalling the first time he’d met the shorter, a lot more annoying version of Luca.

“I’ll be fifteen in February,” Luca said, shrugging.

“You’ll be a freshman this year, eh?” Jeremy grinned. “Cool.”

“Yeah, I’m kind of nervous,” Luca said, looking up at him apprehensively.

“Ah,” Jeremy nodded, feeling the need to escape now, “Well, I’m gonna head in. Nice talking to you.”

“Okay, later, Jeremy.”

He nodded and turned to leave, vaguely noting Luca’s retreating figure as he closed the door behind him.

~*~
The day of the barbecue, that very weekend, Jeremy was bullied into going.

“It’ll be very offensive if you don’t go. Think about what Kyle’s mother will think! She likes you so very much, Jeremy,” Lucy had exclaimed. Of course, he’d been forced to agree as usual. Lucy was always right.

He now stood leaning against the wooden railing of the Moore’s backyard deck while people brushed past him in their hurry to get things in and out of the kitchen. Ryan and Kyle stood together across the yard. Ryan had a plate of food and Kyle was the one eating from it. He saw Ryan swat Kyle’s hand away but then relent when Kyle complained. Jeremy wasn’t certain why he felt both like smiling, cursing, and sitting in some corner feeling sorry for himself.

He surveyed Ryan with a cool gaze, trying to look for what Kyle saw in the guy besides the amazing good looks. Ryan was tall, blond, tan, green-eyed, and utterly gorgeous, he could see that. Jeremy wasn’t fazed by outward beauty though. He’d seen a ton of it, had sex with a ton of it, hell he even had a ton of it. Inner beauty was over-rated too. And from what he knew, Ryan didn’t possess any of that either—in terms of the classic, kind, redeeming qualities that supposedly made ones ghastly insides beautiful.

One person came to mind when thinking about someone who might possess both types of beauty: Luca. Jeremy’s mouth twitched as the thought came to him. The annoying boy next door, Luca. Of course, he was the proverbial nice kid who had the outer beauty and the personality of a saint. Minus all the wishy-washy spiritual garbage and another thing he liked to call insanity.

Josh appeared in front of him. “Hey, man.” The other guy nodded, as oblivious to any tension in Jeremy as one was possible of being. Josh was such a simple person. He genuinely liked the guy. Tall, buff, and perpetually optimistic, he was like an older version of Luca, minus the arm muscle. And he had one of the purest personalities Jeremy had encountered.

Jeremy didn’t like that word though. It had religious connotations. Untainted by life’s darkness, that was a little better but still not good enough.

“Josh,” Jeremy acknowledged. “How you doing?”

Josh released a breath. “I’m stoked for the summer. We have to go party together, dude. Kyle never was any fun at a party and now that his problems with Ryan are old news, they’ll be even more boring. Seriously, I’m surrounded by damned couples. You and I are the only normal teenagers around here, huh?”

Jeremy grinned. He doubted he was in any way normal but of course that wasn’t the thing to say. Josh didn’t want complexities and problems; he liked having a good time. “I agree.”

Josh frowned. “Damn, you alright? You’re always up for booze and chicks, or guys depending on the night.” Josh grinned.

Jeremy laughed. “I’m fine, just a little tired of the party-scene,” He admitted.

Josh groaned. “You’re killing me here,” He said.

“Hey, hey, it’s not my problem. Well it is but--.” He stopped when he saw Laura standing behind Josh. She was Kyle’s other best friend whom Jeremy had met and befriended months earlier. Laura now placed a figure on her mouth, gesturing for him to shut up. He flicked his eyes back to Josh, who was waiting for him to continue. “--everyone has their moments.” He finished lamely.

In the next second he moved back, because Laura was approaching slowly and just as Josh opened his mouth to reply, she dumped an entire bucket of water over his head. Everyone around them burst into laughter as Josh pushed his hair out of his face, growled an annoyed, “Laura,” and chased her across the yard—with her shrieking the entire time.

Jeremy leaned against the railing and sipped at his soda. Such a lovely, hot summer day. Such lovely, great people and still he felt disconnected from it all. He felt like he didn’t belong. It was something he supposed he’d have to live with. Everyone was talking animatedly, clearly enjoying themselves. Even Nathan, Kyle’s friend who Jeremy did not get along with for various reasons and that girlfriend of his were there.

Jeremy pasted on a smile as he saw Kyle approach him.

“Have you eaten?” Kyle asked.

“Yeah I have. It was great.” Jeremy said.

Kyle’s dark hair had grown again and it rested lightly on his forehead. His wide eyes were bright and happy-looking—happier than he used to be at least. So much had changed in Kyle recently. He often didn’t seem like the same person. Although he was that very same, boyish, almost too innocent Kyle, he was a little more attentive to things around him.

Jeremy was surprised when he didn’t feel that insane tug in his stomach. That familiar warmth. He felt something else, something a little more concrete. Kyle had been the ideal, the love he’d put on a pedestal. but even that was slipping away from him. In fact, Nothing seemed to last. Love was still there. It was a part of every look Jeremy gave Kyle. Jeremy just wasn’t sure what sort of love it was supposed to be anymore.

“Thanks,” Kyle said when Ryan approached and passed him his second hotdog. Ryan looked at him curiously before offering a smile. Jeremy didn’t smile back even though he didn’t hate the guy anymore. Ryan was alright…once you got past the insanely gorgeous face and seemingly egotistical attitude. Then again, some people described him much the same way. You never really knew what a person was really like. On the inside, that is. There was all that emotional garbage again.

“He never stops eating,” Ryan said, shaking his head reproachfully at Kyle in a way that Jeremy associated with couples. Initially, they’d been a little awkward with the couple stuff but Jeremy had noticed a perceptible difference as time went on. Still, they bantered like an old couple.

He’d even thought they might break up because of it, but then Laura had laughed and said they’d always been like that. ‘It’s actually healthy for them. Don’t worry about it,’ she’d said.

“Shut up, Melbourne. You love feeding me,” Kyle said cheekily. “Besides, it was your food I ate earlier.”

They all laughed. The conversation flowed easily around Kyle’s interests because he was the one initiating it. Jeremy and Ryan responded but they were both a little stiff around each other. Oh, they’d settled their differences, alright, but it was still odd for them to actually have a friendly conversation. Jeremy admitted to himself that it had been him who’d had issues with Ryan. Not the other way around.

Ryan had surprisingly been nice to him. The awkwardness between them was probably due to Jeremy’s previous distaste for Ryan and his feelings for Kyle. He had a hunch the other guy was aware of his insane feelings for Kyle which he could barely even define anymore. Love was the only word for it.

“I heard you bashed your car up pretty bad,” Ryan inserted, grabbing his attention.

Jeremy nodded. “Yep, it had a huge dent down one side and everything. Barely salvageable.”

“Driver’s side?” Ryan asked.

“Yeah,” Kyle said. “I saw it. It was pretty bad.”

Jeremy nodded lamely, not feeling the need to strike up interesting conversation at the moment.

Kyle looked at him with a speculative expression. “Geez, you feeling alright? You’re awfully…tame…”

Earlier in the year, Kyle had met Jeremy around the same time Kyle was going through a tough time with Ryan. Jeremy had been a little wild to say in the least. Those had been the days when he’d been on such a high all the time that he’d actually believed he was okay.

Jeremy chuckled. “Tame?”

“Well,” Kyle sputtered, “You’re our resident party animal.”

Ryan agreed. “The social butterfly.”

Jeez these people really only saw the façade, Jeremy thought. “You’d know,” Jeremy said a little mockingly to Ryan. Okay so it wasn’t the nicest thing to do but it was out of habit! He passed it off as innocent by flashing a smile. Ryan looked at him hesitantly before he too smiled, buying it. Jeez, he could get away with anything with this face.

“I’m not exactly a social butterfly. Aren’t you the dude who knows about all the good parties and events around here? You tried to take Kyle to one just last month…” Ryan said. So he hadn’t bought the smile entirely. Damn, Jeremy thought.

“Definitely. If you’re bored, come find me. I know the places to be. Although you two would probably rather do something boring like spend time together,” Jeremy replied.

Ryan smiled. “Oh yeah, for sure. Boring is how I like it.” Then he flashed a look down at Kyle that was all love and affection and a little naughty.

Fuck my life. Do I have to witness this? Jeremy didn’t blink. He’d come a long way. He could deal with this. It didn’t even hurt anymore. That was a big thing. He just didn’t really like Ryan all too much. Before, it had been because he didn’t trust him with Kyle, who had been pretty fucked up in the head because of Ryan. Now, he could see that they were good together. They were…unique. Because of this, he didn’t comprehend his animosity besides being out of jealousy and resentment.

Ryan was right for Kyle. He could see that. Ryan took care of him, watched out for him, didn’t let Kyle get too lost in his own emotions and in his own mind that he failed to see anything else. Except…that had been his job before. Oh he was still close to Kyle; fuck all that drama, but maybe he wanted someone to look after too.

Yeah, right. You wish.

“Kyle, get over here!” A voice called. Kyle’s mom.

“Be right back,” Kyle said, briefly touching Ryan’s forearm. They smiled at one another.

After Kyle left to go help out with something, Ryan made some excuse about having to go speak to Josh and left as well.

Jeremy was alone again, alone at last. Free to let his eyes roam across the faces of the people who were the closest to him and yet far enough that they didn’t really know him. Kyle knew him, he amended silently, but even he didn’t know enough. Kyle was the sort of person that was entirely clueless about anything or anyone outside his own mind.

When they arrived home later, Jeremy was exhausted. Back in his bedroom, he threw off his jeans, wondering why on earth he’d worn them, and shoved his legs through a pair of basketball shorts. Then he changed his t-shirt for a fresh one before he grabbed his mp3 player and went into the backyard.

Normally he’d ask to go the cottage about now, or be out with people he knew who called him friend, getting drunk or high, but he’d lost the desire even for mindless sex lately. He figured it was a side effect of growing up somewhat. You know; that crap that supposedly results in wrinkles and then dying of old age or even a heart-attack. Alas, it should be that easy for him! He’d probably die in a gruesome way over a period of several years, feeling every inch of him die slowly. Was that possible? Did you just slowly die while feeling every bit of life drain away, or was it a sudden shutting-off. Like a switch.

‘I’ll find out the answer someday’, he thought, ‘or maybe this is it. Maybe this is what it feels like to slowly die off.’

Jeremy shook his head at his rather melodramatic thoughts and sat on the steps of the deck, taking out a beat-up paperback copy of Harry Potter. He smiled wryly at the thought of Kyle catching him reading.

‘Damn, Jeremy, I didn’t know you could read!” Kyle would likely say, albeit a little more politely.

He’d had the damned book for ages. His third grade teacher had given to him on his birthday. There had been a box filled with things he could choose from and he’d chosen this particular book. He’d curled up in his cold room, reading it from cover to end repeatedly.

Lorraine, his biological mother had gotten annoyed with him because he’d failed to do his chores so she’d thrown the thing away. Jeremy had salvaged it from the trash once it was outside. There was still a nasty little ketchup stain on page three. He’d been frightened so he’d thrown it to the very back of his closet, retrieving it only when he had to leave with the social worker a year later.

A whoosh followed by a thump against the fence startled Jeremy from the cover of the book. He stood and peered around, catching sight of the soccer ball at the other end of the fence at the same time that Luca forced himself up over the fence and peered into the backyard. He caught sight of Jeremy and grinned, calling back at his friend, “Jeremy’ll get it for us, Dan!” Then he looked at Jeremy expectantly and mouthed ‘sorry.’

Jeremy rolled his eyes and jogged over to the ball. “Heads up,” He called, launching it over the fence.

“Thanks, Jeremy,” Luca said, his caramel skin was slightly flushed. Jeremy envied the boy’s skin—a gift from his Greek heritage. “You want to play?”

Jeremy recalled Dan, Luca’s loud and boisterous friend. Dan’s idea of a joke was shoving French fries up his nose. Jeremy shook his head and held up his book. “I’m reading.”

Luca’s natural buoyancy wasn’t disturbed. “Alright, catch you later!” He jumped down and Jeremy heard the ball being kicked one last time before he focused his attention back on his book. He remembered the time when he hadn’t been able to look at the damn thing without fear and anger filling him entirely. Now he just felt numb.

Lorraine couldn’t touch him physically anymore, nor could her idiot boyfriends. He wouldn’t allow her the power of being able to touch him emotionally either. He’d blocked that off years ago. Jeremy, however, found that he couldn’t stand the sight of the book today in particular. He frowned and closed it, placing it to the side on the grass beside him.

This constricting feeling was beginning to get to him. He recalled a little bitterly, that it had probably been triggered by this whole mess with Kyle.

~*~