The Day I Died - 1. Canto II: The Beginning

August 16, 2004

It’s the first day of school, again. It’s the first day back and I’m preparing myself for the mental anguish that is middle school life. Pretty soon I’ll have to get out of this bed, shower and start walking to catch the bus that I’m not real excited about riding. There’s one thing I hate about living where I live. And that’s the fact that there is a bunch of girls who live on this street that like to harass the shit out of me for no apparent reason, other than what my mother deems as jealousy because I’m “cuter than they are.” Whatever, I’ll just go get ready.

“What do you want for breakfast?” a voice calls through the bathroom door as I’m half way through my shower.

“Nothing, too nervous to eat anything, might throw up on the way to the bus or school and that’s just not how I want to start the final year of middle school, mom.” I croak out. Obviously my voice doesn’t want to work today either. That’s great. Maybe I’ll just take a cup of coffee with me…

“Alright, do you want me to pack your lunch or give you some lunch money to eat at school?”

“I’ll get lunch there, thanks mom.” I call out as I take the five dollars she was handing me and out the door I go.

“Have a good day sweetheart, I love you!” the dooming words came off her tongue like nothing bad was going to happen. But now that she said them, it was going to be a bad day.

I make it to the bus ok, the girls aren’t there which is strange but enlightening. Maybe they moved. Nah, that’d be too nice and easy. Maybe they… Oh wait, there they are. Just my luck. Fuck.

“Walking alone today, Tommy? Mommy couldn’t bring you to save you from us?” one of the girls chided.

Ignore them and maybe they’ll go away.

“What a momma’s boy, bet she still tucks him in at night and kisses him goodbye.” One of the other girls chimed in.

“I bet she still buys his clothes for him. If not, what a fag.” The first girl came in with.

Okay, just let them be and they’ll get their just desserts. Someday. Oh, look, the bus is finally here. Good. That means I can converse with the bus driver all the way to school. God knows if Ben will be there. Kinda hope he is just because I don’t really want to spend my first day on the bus talking to my bus driver. I wanna see what my friend was up to since last we spoke. I hadn’t seen him on Warcraft or Starcraft in a few weeks so I was wondering what was up.

It takes the bus what feels like forever to get his bus stop, but on the way there the bus driver and I converse.

“So how was your summer?” she asked, grinning

“It was ok, I wasn’t too busy, went to summer camp, hung out with a couple good friends of mine and just chilled the majority of the summer. It’s nice getting a break from the school and all of the crap I endure. I just wish life were easier than this. I don’t understand why kids have to make other kids’ lives a living hell.” I said, a little viciousness dripping from the last sentence.

“I don’t know either. Sure, when I went to school there were bullies, but nothing like what’s at these schools nowadays. They’re vicious and uncaring about how other people are feeling, the hurt and depression that some of the kids bring out in those they feel are inferior just to make themselves feel better. It amazes me at how society can just turn its back on this matter. They blame the music or the video games that you kids play or listen to when it’s neither. It’s what goes on at schools, like what you experience and I commend you for being so high and mighty about it. Not letting it get to you like it does others.”

“I don’t handle it as well as you think I do, I mean, I handle it better than others, definitely. But I still have my moments where I just breakdown and cry. But then there are always times where I feel like nothing can stop me. And that’s the feeling I like the most.”

“Well, no one can handle it perfectly. There will always be times where you’ll breakdown, cry or have a very violent fit of anger. But it’s better to express the emotion rather than let it simmer inside you because then when you let it loose, it’s just ten times stronger and ten times worse. Ah, Ben’s here on the first day. What a surprise.”

Cool. Maybe now I can get out of him where he was the last few weeks. No offense, Mrs. C, but I just don’t wanna talk a lot today.

As the bus came to a stop, I looked at my friend who was standing there, staring out at the mountains in front of his house. As if something was standing right there in front of him and he didn’t want to move for fear of something happening to him. Like death or serious injury or something.

“Good morning, Ben!” the bus driver said to wake him from his trance.

All he did was grunt and then move forward. I think he had sleep deprivation or something because he slept the entire bus ride. Woke up a couple times when the bus stopped just to make sure something bad wasn’t happening. So I had to talk to the bus driver the entire way to school, and while I didn’t mind doing that, I wanted to talk to my friend, it beat just sitting there staring out the window and being bored. I probably could’ve slept but I didn’t want to.

“Ben, wake up. We’re at school.”

“Wha? Oh.”

“Where have you been the last couple weeks?”

“Camping with the folks and then got into some trouble with my brothers. They didn’t like that I was playing games with you instead of them. I dunno. Sorry man.”

“It’s ok. Did you have fun camping?”

“S’alright. But I’d have much rather have been home playing video games with you or my brothers.”

“Well, school started so I don’t know how much I’ll be on the computer except for assignments and stuff, research.”

“Well duh, we both will. We’ve actually got classes together this year. Isn’t that awesome?!”

“It’s ok, gonna be weird. We usually only meet before and after school and hang out on the weekend. Don’t distract me, ok?”

“Yeah, whatever, it’s not like this year is going to be hard.”

Boy was that an understatement. When we got to homeroom, we were told what we were going to be doing in that class for the entire year. For math classes Ben and I had gotten into AP classes, he got an AP Science and I was in a regular Science class, I got into AP English and he got a regular class. We had the same non-AP history class as we both disliked history about the same. On the bus ride home, Ben and I sat in the same seat and complained about the assumed work load we had this year. I got off and started walking home, before long Ben joined up with me and we got back to my place.

“When will we ever be in the exact same schedule? You and English are inseparable!”

“The same could be said with you and science.” I poked with a grin.

“Hey, asshole, at least I like something that’s practical. What’s your English ever going to get you?”

“Maybe I can become an author or a professional songwriter! I have been writing more frequently. Especially in the last couple weeks; you would know that if you hadn’t gotten into a fight with your brothers or gone camping!”

“Whatever,”

“Don’t you whatever me!” I jumped to my feet and proceeded to tackle him to the floor and endlessly tickle him because he was being ridiculous but I forgot that he was taller than me by almost a good foot and was easily out-maneuvered and countered and was now pinned and being tickled. Relentlessly…

“Geroffme!” Was the only thing I could get out while being so mercilessly attacked.

“Admit I’m better.” He chided and continued his assault

“Fine! You’re better!”

“Say it like you mean it.” He grinned.

“If I say anything it’ll be two colorful words that my mother would probably come in here and scream at me about.”

“Fine, fine, but I’m still better.” His devilish grin continued, but soon disappeared when he saw my expression.

“Whatever.”

“What do you wanna do? I’m in the mood to play some video games.” He tried to change the subject.

“I kind of just wanna get everything squared away, my planner organized and ready for the rest of the school year. I played enough video games in the last week to satisfy me. You’re welcome to use my computer to play, but I don’t think you will, so I’m just going to go get everything ready. I can order a pizza or something if you’re hungry…”

“Nah, man, I’ll just head home. I seem to have upset you with something I said.” Yeah, no shit asshole, I’m not the one who gave me shit about liking to write. You didn’t even ask to see what I had written like you used to. “See you later, Tomas.”

“See ya.” But my response came too late. He was already out the door and half way down the street.

August 17, 2004

I must have passed out really early last night because I don’t remember it getting dark. Another glorious school day and today begins the instructing. Joy. Its 5:45AM, it’s too early for anyone to be up.

“Get out of bed, young man, else you’re going to be late. And I’m not taking you to school today.” A voice in the doorway said. I batted the voice away as if it were a fly.

“Fine, fine, but why are you up so early? It’s 5:45…” I looked dumbfounded because mom started laughing.

“Its 6:30, the power went out last night and fucked up all of the clocks in the house except for the battery powered ones. So get outta bed, wash your hair, throw on some deodorant because if you don’t get walking to the bus in the next 10 minutes, you’re going to miss it and like I said, I’m not taking you to school.”

“Alright, I’m up. Give me 5, could you throw a pop tart or something in the toaster so I can much on some breakfast while I walk to the bus? Don’t worry about lunch money, I didn’t eat lunch yesterday so I’ll just use it today.”

“Okay, honey, just hurry up.” And with that, she turned and walked into the kitchen and I heard the toaster start. Two and a half minutes until gooey goodness would roll down my throat.

I get started on the 5 minute walk to the bus when I hear a car behind me. It’s the girls who tease and make fun of me mercilessly every morning since the 3^rd grade. Why won’t you just die and leave me alone. And with that thought, the involuntary glare comes out and the car slows down, to my dismay, and they act like they’re going to kick my ass. Thankfully, another car started coming down the road just then and saved me from a black eye.

“You’re lucky, fag, we would’ve pounded you into dust.”

I bet you would have. However, if I survived, which I’m pretty sure I would, I’d call the cops and report a hate crime and maybe get you guys thrown in jail. But that’d be too easy. So go ahead and feel superior. I’m just not up for it today.

As I walk up to the bus stop, the bus is just pulling up and the girls get on first. The bus driver just nods at them as if she really dislikes them. The sad thing is, is that I know she does. They think she loves them. Ah the beautiful lies we tell ourselves to make us feel better.

“Good morning, Tomas,” she greets with a curt smile.

“Good morning,” I croak out. I forgot, I had cried myself to sleep last night. And now it’s going to kick my ass because it made me pass out.

“What’s the matter?”

“Oh, nothing, just some stuff happened between Ben and I yesterday and we didn’t resolve it. It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s not there this morning because he doesn’t want to face the problem.”

“I’ve seen you guys fight plenty of times, you’ll make it through again. You always do.” She grinned.

“I hope so. He’s a really good friend.” My face went blank then as I watched Ben stand there waiting for the bus. My eyes bugged out and I started wondering to myself what was going on. In the past when we’d fight, he’d have his mom take him to school…

“Well that’s weird, he’s standing there. You sure you two had a fight?” Concern spreading over her face.

“I’m pretty sure… Maybe he thought it over and he’s going to apologize this morning instead of letting drama ensue… “ I still looked blank. He was wearing a smile this morning as if something good had happened last night after he left.

“Good morning, Ben,” was what snapped me out of my trance. I was still dumbfounded. And then I watched him turn to me, with a sad look.

“I’m sorry about what I said last night, it was uncalled for. The shit with my brothers messed me up a little bit.” Was all he said. For the entire ride to school. We didn’t make eye-contact, we didn’t sit together, we didn’t do anything.

It was 30 minutes later as we were pulling into the bus yard that he turns to me and starts talking about had happened yesterday, what he thought was going on and his general concerns about how close we were.

“I’m pretty sure we’re more like brothers than anything…”

“Yeah, you’re probably right. So we’ll just act like family from now on. Which means the shit storms we create to each other are just going to be that much worse now, eh?” I prodded him pretty hard because he winced in pain at that. Immediately I went to apologize but he stopped and prodded me back, and winced.

“I’ll see you at lunch, bro. Got stuff to do this morning.”

“Alright, see you then.”

While we both usually have homeroom together he was doing stuff in the office. So I put it out of my mind. The day seemed to just go on and on and on until the lunch bell rang and I raced out of the classroom because I was starving and wanted to talk to Ben about some stuff.

“Hey, watch where you’re going queer!” a random girl screamed as I almost knocked her over. I returned to her only to be scolded that much more.

“Do you make it a habit to almost knock people over as you race to your boyfriend, fag?” she said, and I just looked dejected. Why does everyone call me that?

“Oh, I’m sorry. I wasn’t looking where I was going.” I apologized as I helped pick up her things.

“That’s…” was all she was able to get out before I was running again, fighting tears.

“Tomas! What’s th—“ Ben was cut off before he could ask because I was still running. Where, I didn’t know, but somehow I ended up at the counselor’s office because I knew why I was crying. I knew what was going on. I just didn’t want to accept it. So I went to talk to the school counselor who I knew would keep it confidential.

“Well, Tomas, I’d like to help you right now but I am booked solid today, so how I about I schedule a meeting tomorrow sometime in the morning, maybe after first period?” was all she said, part of me thought she knew what I was going to be talking to. And if that were the case, the more time she gave me, the better.

“Go ahead and go to lunch and I will send a summon slip tomorrow morning fifteen minutes before the actual allotted time so that you can gather your wits, nerves, whatever it is you want to call it. Thank you for trusting me with whatever it is you’re going to tell me, even though I may have an idea. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She waved me off and I threw back an appreciative smile.

“Tomas, what’s up? What’s going on? All I saw was you crying and running to the office. Talk to me, bro.” an approaching Ben came up behind me at the table I was sitting at. Alone. And that’s how I wanted to stay right now. Was alone.

“Not now, Ben. I just want to be left alone.” He understood and walked off to join his friends on the soccer team.

“Tomas, I wanted to apologize for earlier…” It wasn’t Ben’s voice, no, it was a girls voice. The same girl who called me a fag and queer not 20 minutes ago.

“I shouldn’t have said the things I did. I don’t know what came over me, I don’t usually believe the rumors going around. But with how much time you and Ben spend together… I just thought that maybe they were true. I mean he is the one who you primarily go to when you’re upset, and today you ran right past him to the counselor’s office, so I thought I might have done a number on you. So I just wanted to apologize. My name is Jane.” She sat down at the table and I glanced over at Ben who didn’t even notice, or seem to care if he did notice. My demeanor also changed, my eyes went from hurt and depressed to happy and blissful.

“That’s… okay…” I stammered, I was never under the impression that people actually wanted to be my friend. So this was actually scaring me. “I don’t know why I reacted the way I did. I think it’s because I hear those names slurred at me every day, every morning, and sometimes echoed in my head because it’s hard to get away from it. You’re the first one to apologize. So it just stunned me s’all. Thank you, by the way, for apologizing. It means a lot to me.” I started to calm down.

“You’re welcome,” and we talked the entire lunch period. Her friends came over to ask why she was talking to the school fag and she just told them to shut up, told them that I was pretty cool and that they should get to know someone before they place judgments or labels on them.