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BREAKING NEWS!! I thought I would share the truth with everyone, because you have been so nice and pleasant to me. I said to a few people along the way on here that I struggled with writing, there are several things that cause me to struggle. I know that this being a huge forum that possibly some on here will suffer with the same thing - not in the same way, but maybe you will GET ME! I think that's the problem sometimes lately is that people don't get me - they don't understand why some 40 something is struggling in such a hard way - Good grief just get on with your life, move one and get over things that messed up your life. Really? (that's why I normally say to my friends when they act the way they do, but this isn't about them) I don't want this to be a major thing, and I don't want to be some long explanation of something that could probably be summed up rather quickly. That's also a problem with me, I get distracted...Oops! You see. Anyways, on to my issues that I want to share with all of you, or those that at least give a shit, and believe me I won't be offended if you don't even take the time to read this - I would completely understand. First, I struggle with the agonizing demon of being Obsessive Compulsive - Yes, I got a doctors note and I'm officially been diagnosed as this crazy festering (is that a word?) type. And of course OCD is a huge thing, and it's different for everyone. One of my crazy, messed up triggers is "Words" and how they sound. WHAT? Seriously, several years ago I went crazy (privately) when I heard myself say I word and I started repeating the word over and over again. I would say the word, trying to make it sound proper in my head (usually I gave up). I know - it sounds crazy. Be honest, because it does to me also. And--that's sort of the reason why I write in present tense, because I don't get fouled up by the "-ed" words and that strange way some of them sound (lol). But of course I'm doing in now, and maybe because writing a story or whatever is more long lasting, and not some quick fix hook up like writing a blog entry. I don't know, go figure. So, that's some of my dilemma when I sit down to work on my writing - Sometimes I stare at the screen and sometimes I'm typing and sometimes I'm deleting everything I just did. Understand? Or do I need to clarify more? (Feel free to ask me questions if you need more ideas of what I'm talking about...lol) Second, and probably the most devastating of everything that I was going to say today, and probably the main reason for why I'm going on this massive rambling that most people don't care...Ooops! I have Diabetes, and after I lost my job in 2016 I lost my insurance and couldn't get my medication or go to a doctor...whatever I had to do. Long story short (too late), I developed these things in my eyes that I call Fuzzy Dots, and they are quite annoying, but not a major deal at this time - but over time they might become even worse OR I just might lose my sight all together (even legally blind would be bad). FD's are like if I'm reading something on the computer, and I'm looking at a certain word, I can tell that certain areas are blurred out or "fuzzy". For example, if I'm looking at the word fuzzy, it's like the words below it are blurred out, and if I look at a certain part of the word, the beginning is blurred. The most frustrating part is trying to explain things to people ESPECIALLY when you're Obsessive Compulsive. I am currently going to an doctor that is helping me, but his appointments are like six months apart and it's like I wanna get this worked out NOW (pulling my hair out). I do go to see him in January, and I'm basically going to flat out ask him - Is this something that can be fixed? - If he says that it can be fixed, then I have to figure out if financially I can do it. If he says that he can't do it, then I have to figure out how I'm going to hold it together (because believe me, life sucks right now for me, lol). So there are my two major problems why I find it hard to write. It's not that I don't have ideas, believe me I have the ideas. But I get so distracted by my OCD and by my Fuzzy Dots. Most of the time I sit there in my chair, feeling sorry for myself because it's like my life is over. I think about losing my eye sight, and the fact that enjoying things will most likely slow down even more. I'll have to go through the chore of learning how to use a computer (as blind person). It's bad enough that analyze everything that I say, and write - but I'm not getting any younger. Most of the people on here around my age already have six pages of content (WTF...AC Benus...lol). I'm not asking anyone to feel sorry for me, or to rush over and put their arms around me (Hmmm, wait! What am I'm saying? That's a different topic). The ultimate idea would be that someone could write my stories for me, that would be awesome. But that would mean that you would have to love the ideas as much as me, and finding someone like that is probably going to be rare. I like to write a certain way, and like most of you have been saying - Write how you wanna write! - Do what works for you! - I get it, but I still can't sit down and write a simple paragraph like some you can (I know practice, practice, practice - humbug - lol). I have been writing for a long time now, but the problem is that it stays locked up rather tight (deleted), or it's in a format that people won't read, like a script. That's it for now, this is longer than what I was planning on and I was obsessive compulsive about 64.2% of time so I better stop before I beat someone pointless (me). If you would like to hear more about some of fetish ideas that I mentioned in my previous entry I did hide a link in my blog somewhere - I don't wanna make a big deal about it, but that's where my writing was a year ago with script writing (ANYWAYS).

Crazy Thoughts are like flowers blooming in a field where they just grow like crazy weeds whipping around a tree, and they seem to have no destination - I don't know what I'm going to do with my writing right now. Superboy is a fantasy type story that was grew from a fetish thing (lol). I guess I could explain a little - Several years back, probably years but most likely just one year I started wring scripts for "Adult Oriented Purposes" - I actually still have the web site, but I haven't logged in for some time. I wrote stories - cheap stories - that basically turned me one. I then put out for customs, and if they were willing t pay a few bucks I would write whatever fantasy they wanted. Honestly, I wish that I could draw, and it doesn't have to be 100% perfect, but at least having the ability to draw details and maybe people would pay for that. But, all of that to say this - Superboy - was part of that fetish fiction. It grew from the enjoyment of certain things and it was just word porn (lol). Then I had this great idea to actually put a story to it, and I thought how much I enjoyed writing the story that it would go far. Well, I'm thirty chapters in (actually you'll probably be amazed at this, but I wrote the whole thing on my Iphone), and I thought that I was actually going to start book two really soon because the ideas kept pumping through my mind. That is what's so crazy - I have all these ideas and I struggle with my writing and wondering how good of a writer I actually am. I know it takes practice and I'm taking that into reality, but I've been writing scripts for like ten years (that is why I like present tense) - and I know that book writing is quite different, because you have to say more (show more) in a book than a script. I think that's why my writing sounds like a script sometimes. I actually don't write a technical script like some are familiar with. I write the story. I don't focus on camera shots unless it's very important to the story. Everyone tells me to do what is good for me. And I appreciate everyone giving me advice when I post on here. I agree with what you're saying, but I guess that most people don't read scripts, and that's why I wanted to move to book writing, and I thought that I would just keep doing what I'm doing and put the dialogue like in a book (instead of script). A part of me enjoys writing my chapter outlines and I hoped that people would just be entertained in reading those (lol), because I could finish a book really quick because they come out faster than the actual book (lol). I'm actually going to try a few things in the next couple of days - I'm going to look over the writing prompts and write for the fun of it, and try to write some entertaining stuff. I may let some of you check it out (like beta readers) not because it's going to be released, but to see what people think. It does help when you get feedback on your writing (good or bad), because how do you know IF things are getting better or worse? Unless you're actually publishing your book and waiting for people to buy a copy. Some of my other Crazy Thoughts - Some of my other stories that have been sitting in my brain are still there and would like to start writing those as well. Superboy is kind of my testing space - it's what I'm using to practice my writing. I don't think it's ever going to get published (except for free online reading, of course). Like I've said before, I would have to change some non-original content like the mention of Krypton which is based on something else which is not mine (obviously, and most people know that). So yes, Crazy Thoughts are good because they will bring ideas into your head, but sometimes your thoughts can become weeds in your imagination if you don't do something about it. They will sit there and fester and bring down other things.

How in the world is this possible? How can I have an idea decades old and I'm still holding on to it? Is it possible that I struggle with letting someone else write it? Truth is, I struggle with the reality that this story deserves a better writer, because I want it to be perfect. Is that why it's taking so long? Am I building my talent, and trying to get to the point where I"m good enough, or am I hoping that someone will step up and write the DAMN thing? Lol. You don't even know how long I have been working this idea in my head and it develops mostly with listening to upbeat alternative rock or techno music. WOW, what the heck is this story and why is it so hard to let go of? It's not something I wanna let go of--so--that's why it's still there. Am I going to reveal the story HERE? Will I let people in and know what the story is all about? I don't know, because I still don't know if this is going to get done, because I don't know if I'm the one to do it. It's not the holy grail of of stories, believe me I'm not trying to say that it's the best story idea out there, because it's not. I'm sure that there are plenty of great stories right here on GA. There has to be. These many writers and ideas, there are plenty of good stories that probably deserve this recognition more than mine (Guaranteed). So what's the next step for this story? You need to listen to NF (Lost in the Moment) and you will know what I"m dealing with. There's a lot of pain right here in my brain, and sometimes I see my characters being the very ones that are there existing for me. They're the ones looking back, waiting for me to bring them to life. I saw a picture this week that inspired me to go for the next chapter in this story--"The King"-- On Netflix. I haven't watched the movie yet, but the actor that plays the King (Oh my Goodness). Just seeing his picture it made me think of my story, and the characters there were waiting to come to life. I know I'm crazy (Lol). So, answer the question - What is the next step? My next step is this, I'm going to hope that either I find my writing ability OR that I find a group of people that would interested in knowing more about the story. Do I want to publish, or just put it on here--That, I don't know because I don't know how deep and complex it's going to be--but to wet your appetite and let you see what I thought years ago. I thought this story was going to be the next Potter, the next Narnia and even Game of Thrones a run for their money. Am I serious? Yeah, and right now I'm so excited but yet it still sits there in my brain, developing and developing. All this to say, if you have a story that you always thought of doing but thought WHY--Don't give it up. Do it. That idea may very well be your holy grail.

I created the world of Arcadia some time ago when I thought to myself--Hey, it would be great to have a story that makes people just as entertained as Game of Thrones, or Harry Potter or some other big story franchise. That doesn't mean that I'm that great of a writer, or someone that could even achieve that standing in the writer world. Believe me, I'm not cocky or arrogant when I say these things - I just say what I wanna say because I believe it. Do you believe in your dream? I know as a writer sometimes you have to believe in what you're writing. Or are you just writing a set limit of words each day? Is that possible? Will people just write to get words down on the pages? I feel like some of the authors out there today are just writing for the paycheck. They're just writing to get that big payday and move to the next one. How do I know that? Well, because if it goes through my mind it has to mean that there's a possibility that it could be true. I don't think that every story sitting out there on the shelf is because the writer truly loved their story. So, my question to you do you write because it's the story you believe in? Arcadia, is a dream for me. Ten plus years ago, I created Arcadia because I was lonely. The main characters were best friends, heroes, buddies and it became my purpose in life to create this story and to give myself this place of escape. It was the place I could go when I felt like the world was collapsing around me. Now let's fast forward to now, I created Superboy several months ago--Well, actually I created this story back when I was writing my Fetish Fiction. I was using this Superman story to write something that made me feel good. Yes, I said it. I wrote this originally because I was getting turned on by the main character. Wouldn't you? A nicely fit young man wearing a Red, Lycra bodysuit. You would be crazy to say that you wouldn't like to read that. Lol. Now, a few months ago--I took the idea that I created and made a little more enjoyable to everyone. I wanted to create a superhero story that contained and gay theme. Now this is only the beginning of the journey, because now--Superboy and Arcadia are now one story. But the question is... Is my writing good enough, and will it entertain people?